new name

This blog needs a new name. Although we are approaching a new year, my ute is no longer newly remodeled and in fact has reverted to it's old piece of shit ways. So I think for my sanity I need a new blog name. Any suggestions?

Thinking about the new year, and how I always say this year will be better than last, and since 2005 it has not. Then I read this post by Panamahat at Solo trekking through recurrent miscarriage.

"Next year WILL be better. Because I am changing my focus, my intent, my attitude. I will not be trying to make babies in 2009, I will be re-creating myself. Concentrating on thoughts and actions that fulfil me, instead of dwelling on absence and lack. Giving myself over to the here and now instead of the imaginary future I thought I was entitled to. And if I can have one year free of pregnancy loss it will be the most enormous gift I could think of."

This screams at me, wake up you dolt! This is what I must do. Thankyou Panamahat you have inspired me. Open your eyes live now, I am blessed in so many ways. I need to recognize that and revel in the many things that are wonderful in my life.

One hurdle crossed

I made it through my family's Christmas celebration without crying. I was able to hang out with my 7month pg SIL and be pleasant. GO ME! I won't lie it did hurt to see her belly and know I should be pg too. But I'm not and that's ok. I requested an appt. with a MFM doc. for an pre conception consult. So I'm making a little progress. Happy Holidays....

Getting lapped in the slow lane

This week marks the due date of my 5th pregnancy and the 2nd anniversary of my 3rd miscarriage. I feel like I have been so self absorbed lately. I try to reach out to my friends, but I find it harder and harder to relate.

Recently several of my friend were talking about aging and how moving into our mid thirties our bodies have changed. They complain about how childbirth has changed their stomach from flat washboards to pooches and their breasts are not as perky as they once were. It's so hard for me to relate to. Not because those things aren't happening to my body (they are), it's just I don't have any children to show for it. I saw a woman in the grocery store after Thanksgiving who looked 7mos pregnant with full head of gray hair. I thought shit that could be me. It probably will be me, b/c if I ever get past the first trimester my color will surely run out and the grays will take over. So I'm sad because I find it harder and harder to relate to my friends that are my age. They all have children which dominates their lives. I have my quest for a child which is not quite the same.

Why does this have to weigh so heavily on my mind and heart, and live so closely on my sleeve? I feel myself cringe when others speak of their grandchildren and how blessed they are. I cringe when I see the pregnant bellies in the store. Luckily right now there aren't any in my work place. Outwardly I smile with them, but on the inside I cry "it's not fair!". Since I have stopped taking Zoloft I notice I tear up very easily, but also I seem to recover quickly. So I haven't gone back to daylong uncontrollable crying, just little jags throughout the day. The holidays will be tough, but then again they always are.

I know I separate myself more and more from my friends as they lap me again with their second children. It's just a constant reminder of what is missing in our lives. I have a favorite aunt and uncle who don't have children. I've never asked them why not, they always seem so happy and they are always doing exciting things. I sometimes think maybe that could be me, I could be like Aunt Joan. I could ride a Harley and travel extensively. I don't know about the Harley part, but she is really cool and has saved my butt many times. They were my surrogate parents while I was in college and far away from mine. I could be the cool aunt. But that just doesn't seem like enough.

What if.... (IF sucks)

So when it is close to the holidays, my phone stops ringing at the office, which is supposed to allow me to do my end of the year reports and plan for next year.
Instead what do I do?
I google.
Today I have been googling perinatologists, and MFM doctors, in the vain hope that I could find one who is also a OB/GYN or has one in their practice. I have an appointment with Dr. F next week for my pap, which hopefully will be successful and then I want to be done with her and the other assholes at their practice forever. So I've been looking. The problem is I live far away (60 miles) from most large hospitals that would have the above mentioned doctors. I was thinking it would be good to have a OB/peri that is connected with my RE so they could correspond with each other. The problem is my RE is 80 miles from my home. So most of his people are in that same area. I'm not sure I want to drive that far so often should I ever get past the first trimester. I did find a satellite office 55 miles from my home, but they have only one doctor. That makes me nervous, I mean what if she gets sick or something?
The other thing is WHY am I worrying about this? We are not even TTC right now. I'm on BCP for goodness sake. The other thing is my track record is not good so why the fuck am I obsessing about a doctor I might not need? Taking a break was supposed to let me think about other things, instead this baby quest still takes up a large percentage of my brain. I try to occupy myself with other things,(wine, running, coffee, work, did I mention wine?) But at night my dreams are filled with babies. What if this doesn't work? What if I can't have a baby? What if we can't afford adoption? What if I have to give up this endeavor? I am not a good quitter. I will suffer and endure horrible situations in order to not quit. I am very stubborn that way. But I can't keep losing babies, praying that this will be the one to stick. There has to be a limit to all of this. But how do you set that limit? When is enough, enough? If I do call it quits, will the obsession stop? Will the dreams go away? Will people stop asking me when are you going to have kids? Will my mom and MIL accept that I can't provide grandchildren? Will I become a crazy cat lady and drive my husband mad? Maybe this wasn't a good time to stop taking Zoloft. I think I'm freaking out a bit.

doctor hopping

I had to go to my OB/Gyn for a pap smear last week. This fact is annoying in itself, because if there was a problem with my cervix wouldn't the plethora of people looking inside me these last six months have noticed? But alas I must have one in order to move forward with Dr. P's baby plan. Of course an RE won't do a pap god forbid. You must go to the Ob/gyn. So I go. Dr. F blew in as usual popped me in the stirrups to get this over with. She did not mention the last miscarriage or anything. She says your cervix is all inflamed, have you had any procedures? I said no, no procedures. I had a manual exam two weeks ago by my RE.

Dr F: Why did he do that?
Me: So we would be able to proceed with, our plan of Femara when I want to try again, w/o my having to drive 80 miles to see him.
Dr F: Are you sure you didn't have any procedures?
Me: Yes, what is wrong?
Dr. F: well I can't do your pap, you will have to come back in 4-6 weeks.
Me: WTF?
She leaves and I get dressed, confused as to what is going on, a nurse whisks back in a gives me a Rx for an antibiotic for cervicitis.

In addition to this I had a super bad cough for two weeks, I was hoping Dr. F would give a listen to my chest, but that was out of the question. So I drove to an urgent care clinic, where they listened to me breathe, freaked out called for chest x-rays. Luckily no pneumonia but a wicked upper respiratory infection, so now I have a Rx for a Z-pac and cough medicine. I decide not to fill the Rx from Dr. F b/c it seems like a Z-pac would take care of any other bacteria laying around in my body.

Next day there is a message on my phone from the nurse at Dr. F's office, saying they think they found something of mine, please call back. I search my purse and can't figure out what I could have possibly left. When I call back I am put on hold for 20 minutes, finally nurse comes on and says we found a CD that says "baby's first pictures" on it.

ME: silence... then it's not mine, I don't have any children, I have had six miscarriages.

Nurse: well it looks like it's ultrasound pictures

ME: almost in tears, it's probably from my last m/c I told the dr. I didn't want the cd.

Nurse: Oh well sorry I bothered you.

ME: Umm well I have a question, Dr. F gave me Rx for cervicitis yesterday but I also have an Upper Respiratory Infection and the Dr. gave my an Rx for a Z-pac. Do I still need to take the other one, b/c that seems like an awful lot of antibiotics to take at one time?

Nurse: You will have to ask your pharmacist about that

Is it just me Internet? Or is this cruel and unusual punishment? I mean damn how hard is it to look at my fucking file and realize that if that CD is mine, the baby is dead? These are the same people who just stared at me when I was sobbing after I sat in the ultrasound room alone with the lifeless scan of my 8 week fetus for 30 minutes. Then they dicked around with my file, couldn't figure out that I had already spoken to a doctor. I just wanted to leave and here they are saying no she can't leave until talks with the doctor. To which I reply, I don't understand I just finished speaking with her. I just want to get out of here.

So this is the last straw and now I am looking for a new Ob/Gyn again. This will be my 6th Ob/gyn since this all began. I wonder if I am expecting to much for my medical care. I mean I don't expect to be recognized as soon as I walk in, but at least read my file first. I get better customer service from my Vet than my Ob. At least he remembers my name.

Dr. P (RE) said that next I get pg I would stay with him through the first trimester and then I would need an OB and a perinatologist or MFM. Can I get one of those wrapped up in one person?

simmering

Sometimes the ignorance and blatant prejudices of my work place make me want to SCREAM!!! I realize that I live in a small town in the South and liberalism is not the norm, however for people who are so eager to tout their religion there seems to be a lot of hate out there. I work for an organization that has a disclaimer on every piece of paper about how we are an equal employment opportunity organization and we do not discriminate on race, sex, religion, or sexual preference. But that is a load of crap, b/c if your sexual preference is not the majority you better not be out with it when applying for a job. A qualified candidate will not be interviewed b/c it is known he is gay. Now no one has asked him that out right nor was it indicated on his application. He is known as a "friend" of a client who comes in regularly who is openly gay. What makes me more angry is that we are interviewing a less qualified candidate over this guy. Now my boss does not say we are not interviewing him b/c he is gay, but it's because of his experience. Excuse me how can a man with a Masters and 20 years experience not be more qualified than a man who hasn't even finished his BS yet and is only 22. WTF? I swear if I ever have a child I will raise him or her to be open minded and accepting if it kills me. I will have an uphill battle with the crap that goes on in the schools and my crazy in-laws. I am so mad.

candy

I am fully addicted to the Twilight saga by Stephanie Myers. Its all about teenagers and vampires and werewolves. It's like candy for my brain, no nutritional value but I can't stop reading it. I am a huge Buffy fan, and also read all of the Ann Rice books. I know these books are supposed to be "young adult" but its so yummy.

My 10K race two weeks ago, sucked a big one, but I finished and I didn't have to walk. My 1/2 marathon is one month from today and I have a lot of training to do. I joined a gym in the town where I work. I had a free personal trainer session this morning at 6:30. It was early but it was good. I may not be able to move my arms by the end of the day but it felt good to lift. I would like to be in good marathon shape for the Myrtle Beach Marathon in Feb.

On the infertility front, I still taking my BCP. I go to my RE next week for follow up to make sure no cysts are forming. I am enjoying this time off from TTC. I am really enjoying wine and coffee too. Another round of babies have been born in my circle. My brother found out they are having a girl. I am excited for them, but it still hurts. My SIL due date was moved back to Feb. 25 one week after I was due. Right now my plan is to start TTC after her baby is born. But who knows I may break before then. I mean I haven't POAS in 3 months. The HPT industry is probably wondering whats going on.

finding my joy

I had an appointment with my shrink Dr. A yesterday and she was so proud of me and my progress. I do feel better. A month ago I felt like a puddle on the floor. I am really feeling like myself again and starting to enjoy life. I feel centered and empowered. I truly feel like God is with me again.

On the other hand I feel like my DH is spiraling out of control. In fact that is what Dr. A said. "Your husband is out of control". What do you do when your psychiatrist tells you that? I know that it's true, but disconcerting to hear someone else say it. He is very depressed, but expressing that through anger. Dr. A told me I should call our family doctor, Dr. K and tell him what's been going on, b/c I know my DH will not. I made an appointment for him for later this month to have his blood pressure and cholesterol tested. He was borderline last year and I am afraid it has not improved. This seems a little backhanded and sneaky telling the doctor stuff without telling my husband about it. I don't know what to do.

He used to be so much fun. We used to have fun. We haven't had fun in a long time. I will not let infertility ruin my marriage. But I cannot live with him if he won't try to feel better. I know about depression, I live with depression. Sometimes you can't just pull yourself up by your bootstraps, sometimes it take outside intervention either through medication or therapy or both. Obviously I am not saying or doing the right things to make him feel better.

healing

My retreat in the mountains was truly a healing experience for me. I truly felt the presence of God and some peace in my heart. Trying to get that feeling back is a little more difficult, but I am working on it. My husband is having a hard time with my brother and SIL pregnancy. Surprising to me that it is him and not me having these feelings. He is so angry at our situation, and I don't have any words to make it better. Infertility is a difficult topic I think for most men to discuss. So he chooses not to discuss it all. Bottled up feelings come out in unexpected situations focused in strange directions. The fact of the matter is people we love and know will have babies whether we like it or not. So we must find a healthy way to deal with it and be happy. I have been gathering information about adoption just to learn more about what is involved. Meanwhile, I finished my first cycle of BCP and I didn't really have a period, just more spotting like I had been for the previous six weeks. At least the spotting finally stopped when I started the next cycle of pills.

spotting

So I am still spotting three weeks after the miscarriage. I spoke with my dr. last night and she said it's normal and not to worry. I'm really not worried, just annoyed. For crying out loud, please give me a day without pads or pantyliners.

It's been brutally hot and humid here this week. I've worked more than 10 hours a day everyday this week too. This is my lame excuse for not running at all this week. I signed up for a 10K next month so I really need to get my ass in gear. I haven't run more than 45 minutes in a very long time. And I am much slower than I used to be.

I leave on Monday for my retreat in the mountains. I am excited and nervous. I am excited about being in the mountains and experiencing the quiet. I am a little nervous about exploring my ideas on faith and God. I have been so angry and without faith for so long. I want, I need to have that belief and love back in my life. I hope to come back from this retreat a better person, or at least feel better about myself.

My husband does not understand my need to go, but is trying to be supportive nonetheless.

plan A

Plan A is this: I am going on a spiritual retreat in the mountains at a Catholic monastery. Find peace with God. Find my joy again. Go on BCP for 7 months. Run two half marathons(November and December) and the Myrtle Beach Marathon in February. In March go off BCP, round of clomid with trigger shot, timed intercourse, baby aspirin, and begin heparin after a gestational sac is identified by ultrasound. If this is not successful then it may be on to plan B.

Plan B is not determined yet, but possibly adoption.

....

I decided to do the mispostal on Thursday. The pain was not bad, but the amount of blood was overwhelming. After all of that I was unable to collect the gestational sac. The doctors think it may have dissolved or come out in pieces. So no testing. I am still cramping and bleeding now. The scan on Sunday showed some debris and endometrial lining that had yet to pass. Right now my uterus and I are very unhappy. She hates me and I hate her right now. I am waiting to hear from my RE to discuss where we go from here. I plan to take a break from ttc until March. But I need a plan in place for when we do ttc so I can rest easy. Well maybe a little easy. My clinic was very good to me, calling me often and bringing me in on a Sunday for a scan. I am glad I went back to them instead of staying with my OB. I'm exhausted and plan to only work half days this week. My boss said I could go on FMLA if I needed to. I will think about that later.

no heartbeat

My embryo died last week. The u/s scan showed no heartbeat. I haven't started to miscarry yet, in fact my pg symptoms are still here. I have to decide what to do by Thursday this week. If I don't start to miscarry I have to decide between a D&C or a medicated miscarriage. I really don't want anymore surgeries but I also can't stand the idea of carrying this around with me for weeks waiting for the miscarriage to start. I am worried about the medicine I don't know what to expect. Has anyone done this before? The doctors are clueless and are saying I should consider adoption or surrogacy. Right now I just want the world to stop, but instead I am at this conference. We will be taking a break for now from either exploring adoption or ttc for at least six months maybe longer. I can't do this anymore. Please keep me in your prayers because my faith in God and myself is really shaken.

Blue

You are most like: You are Blue
You are cool and soothing, with a hidden spontaneous side. You are deeper than most people perceive, and you care a lot for those whom you surround yourself with.
Take this quiz: Which Crayola Box of 8 Color Are You?
Visit Toys For Your Blog.com for more blog quizzes

So blue is my crayon, which makes sense to me, I have always loved the color blue. I'm still seeing my Chinese herbalist/acupuncturist. Stinky tea for me. Last night I had to work late and so we ate dinner late, and even though I was so so so tired I could not fall asleep. I ended up going upstairs to sleep in the guest bed so I wouldn't disturb my DH with all my tossing and turning. I have been having very strange dreams when I do fall asleep and I usually wake up sweaty especially on my chest. I'm not sure if this is the herbs, the pregnancy, prometrium or all of the above.

My brother called yesterday to tell me about their first u/s. My SIL is due 3/3/09. I am secretly relieved that my baby is due first 2/19/09 (that is if we make it that far). This is the first time I have written the due date. I don't like to know that information, even though my brain always calculates it for me. So my brother said that they have a dot with a flashing light. He cracks me up.

I have my doctor appt. Friday with the "nurse educator", I am thinking about asking if we could do a quick u/s just to check on my "amoeba" (that's what my mom said the picture looked like). It seems that at this practice ultrasounds and OB appointments are separate. Different than what I'm used to. But I may just go over there and see if they will give me a quick peek. I'm scheduled for another u/s July 17th but that seems far away.

My work is keeping me very busy and we are hosting a large national conference starting Friday and I will be away from the office for a whole week. So the conference is definitely keeping me occupied and not stressing out about the baby. For the first time I actually feel pretty calm about this.

quick update

2nd u/s went well. Baby has grown and the heartrate is 140bpm now. I go back for another u/s in two weeks. My cervix looks good and the doctor talked to me about how they would monitor for ic. So that's good. These next two weeks are the scary weeks where I have m/c'd before. I will post more later.

stitching it up

So this week my obsession has been learning about incompetent cervix's and how to determine if you need a cervical cerclage or a stitched up cervix. My cervix has been manually dilated five time in two years. Writing that makes me envision a doctor just turning a dial in your vagina. But it is much more involved than that and it hurts like a mofo. The two times I was conscious during it I thought I was going to die. So anyway because the doctors have messed with my cervix so much it could potentially be weakened. Dr. Google tells me they don't usually do a cerclage unless you have had a 2nd trimester m/c previously. But my glorious friends on the MA board say I should definitely have mine checked out b/c it could be a problem. So tomorrow at my u/s I plan to ask Dr.S the ultrasound lady to measure my cervix and let me know what she thinks. My OB Dr. F is too busy doing surgery's to mess with me. My appointment next week with the "nurse educator". When I asked the glib little scheduler why I was meeting with the "nurse educator", she said she (the nurse educator) would take all my information and history and then determine which doctor I should see. I said but I am already Dr. F's patient, she said that's the way they do new OB patients, and with my history I may be placed with the "high risk" doctor.

Hello why are they doing this now? How am I new since I've been seeing her since October? And does it take a fifth miscarriage to suddenly make me high risk? WTF?

So far no spotting or cramping. My boobs are sore and I am tired and sometimes I feel a little nausea but no puking. My face is breaking out like crazy.

Dear God- Please let my baby still be there with a beating heart tomorrow, and growing like it should be. I'm trying my best to be calm and give my worries to you b/c I know you will take care of things.

We have a heartbeat

My ultrasound went well. The baby is measuring right at six weeks, and has heartrate of 106bpm. This ultrasound was a little different than anything I have had before. After waiting for 40 minutes they called me back into this expansive ultrasound room. Seriously you could fit like 20 people in there. I'm used to these cramped rooms at my RE's office where it's uncomfortable with 4 people in there. So I get in there with my mom and the u/s technician and I take my shoes off and I start to take my pants off, and I say I assume you want me to strip from the waist down. The tech looks at me all crazy and says "no.. just pull your shirt up and pull your waistband. Huhhh... you're not going to do a transvaginal ultrasound. She said well we do this one first and if we can't see anything we will do an internal ultrasound.

I was like but I know you won't see anything it's too early. So we did the tummy ultrasound and then she said ok, take off your pants and we will do the internal. First she was looking at my ovaries and on the screen all I saw was a big empty sac. I asked her if this was the gestational sac? (tears running down my face the whole time). She said no that's a cyst on your right ovary. I'm thinking why are we looking at my ovaries lady, let's look at my uterus. Finally she goes to my ute and she says here is the baby. (Sac with dot inside). I asked does it have a heartbeat? She says yes and plays it loudly in the room. My mom fell apart at this point, but all I can think is "is it a slow heartrate?" No the tech says its a good heartrate right where it should be. You are measuring right at six weeks. I ask her where is the baby located in my uterus, is it in a good place? She said it's right at the fundus. I ask if that is a problem b/c of my septum. She didn't know but said the Dr. would know.

Then I put my pants back on and Dr. S the ultraound lady came in and told me everything looked really good. The gestational sac is a good shape and the heartrate strong. She asked if I could come back in 2 weeks and I said I would rather come back next week and she said that was perfectly reasonable given my history. So I have an appointment for this Thursday at 7:15AM. I still have not seen my OB. She was in surgery all day Friday so I didn't see a doctor, well except for Dr. S the ultrasound lady. The place where I had my ultrasound was a Fetal Comprehensive Care Unit in the same building as my OB. I guess they have high tech equipment b/c I thought you couldn't hear the heartbeat until 10 weeks.

I did not feel a weight lifted after this, I begged them not to give me the pictures or the "Happy Baby Package". I have seen a heartbeat before and lost the baby three days later. I should feel some relief, but I don't. I need to make it to the second trimester before I will feel a little easier about this. I guess this was one huge hurdle jumped but all I see are many more in front of me.

tomorrow...

Tomorrow at 9:30 I have my ultrasound. So things could go well or go down the shitter. I have no idea which way it will go. I do know either way I will live. My mom insisted on coming up to go with me to the appointment. I planned to go by myself, but she was not having it, and I have learned it's easier just to let her have her way. My DH is off fighting a fire and will be gone for 9 more days. Oddly I don't mind going to these things by myself, in fact if the news is bad I can just cry myself. It feels a hundred times more painful when I see the look of sadness and desperation on the face of someone I love. I instantly feel that I need to be strong so that person won't feel so sad. If I am by myself I can just be sad. I know this is depressing.

I am taking the prometrium and my herbs from my acupuncturist M. Yesterday she said my kidney pulse was good. I don't know what that means but she seemed really pleased.

Ok I have to pull myself out of these deep thoughts and focus on the tasks at hand. I need to finish my mid year reports and my end of the month reports. Ok think like a worker bee.

Zen thy name is Peppermint Patty

I discovered a delicious answer to my rattled nerves and edgy disposition. Peppermint Patty Cookies. Thank you Hershey. I am feeling better today. Yesterday I yelled at people, cried at work, freaked on my doctor's nurse and sent an e-mail I might regret to my OB.

My serum progesterone was 15 on Monday. My OB's nurse said that Dr. F was not inclined to prescribe progesterone b/c I have had m/c with normal progesterone levels and below normal levels. I told the nurse I didn't understand because my RE says if your level is below 20 you should supplement. She said well maybe I should call my RE.

This did not sit well with me at all. Now I know that the research is inconclusive about whether progesterone helps sustain a pregnancy or not. However we do know that it does not hurt the pregnancy. So if your patient is a psycho who has had five miscarriages you give her the progesterone lady! Give me something I can take control over. I have no control over this situation, but taking prometrium everyday is something I can do.

I called my RE and left a message with his nurse. 30 minutes later Dr. P himself called me back. I filled him in on what was going on. I haven't been back to the clinic since April 29th when they determined my missed miscarriage. He was pleased with my beta numbers and when I told him my progesterone level he said he would call in a prescription for prometrium 200mg/ twice a day vaginally. He told me to call him after my ultrasound and let him know what was going on. I could have kissed him. Just to have someone be reassuring and nice and proactive.

I love my OB and I know she is just being conservative, but right now I don't want conservative I want aggressive take the bull by the horns medicine. So I sent my OB an e-mail asking her to explain why she didn't want to prescribe prometrium. I hope she doesn't take me the wrong way. I just want to understand why every freaking doctor says a different thing.

I went to my acupuncturist M. yesterday too. I love her she is trying so hard to help me. She gave me a treatment and a bunch of herbs. She agrees that we need to be aggressive in approaching this pregnancy and give my body everything we can to help it sustain this pregnancy. So I will be drinking 4 cups of stinky tea every day for the next week.

Hopefully I can get through today without any drama. I am so glad it's the weekend.

PS. My OB just called and told it was a strict policy that they don't prescibe progesterone. She was very short and rude with me on the phone. WTF? She told me if my RE prescribes that's fine but they won't. She said it can cause vaginal infections and vaginal bleeding which is why they don't prescribe, so I am wrong about it not hurting. I feel so hurt by this conversation. I thought she was compassionate and understanding. Was I out of line by asking this question? I feel like she is very angry with me. I really don't want to doctor hop any more. What should I do?

Full of piss and vinegar

I am so freaking angry and short tempered today. I have no patience for these morons who call my office with their piddly problems. I am pregnant for the sixth time in three years. If you add all of my pregnancies together I have been pregnant for 51 months and I have nothing to show but 20lbs of extra weight. That's almost a year of being pregnant. Fuck you uterus!!

My beta numbers were good, 211(Thursday last week) and 1761 on Monday. But really that doesn't mean shit because I always start out with good numbers. I have my ultrasound next Friday. Great.

the rabbit died

My cat is a cold blooded killer and my dog is his accomplice. Let me preface this by telling you that I live in the middle of 106 acres and my closest neighbor is a 1/2 mile away. We live on a gravel road y'all. So wildlife is in abundance on the farm. We have a shit load of rabbits on our property along with snakes,coyote, moles, voles, deer, fox, turkey and all sorts of birds especially annoying whippoorwill's. But that is another story.

So this morning I got up early to POAS and decided to go for a short run. I have been running pretty regularly since my D&C. It helps clear my head, and I go slow, so I don't think it hurts. Anyway the dog and I take off and the cat trotted down the driveway to see us off.

I had a good run, with new tunes on my i.po.d. As I make the turn up my driveway I see my cat with a small rabbit in his mouth. I yell at him to drop it, and my dog promptly swipes the rabbit out of the cat's mouth. The rabbit is still alive dude. The dog drops it, and it runs, but it's injured so it can't go fast enough. My dog thinks this is game and catches it and throws it up in the air. I am yelling drop it, drop it!! He of course looks at me like I am crazy. The cat looks miffed that the dog stole his rabbit. Now the rabbit is dead and next to my husband's truck. I am pissed b/c I have to deal with this right now, or it will be an ordeal with the carcass.

So I stomp inside and get the animals their animal food, of which they prefer over dead rabbits. Then I have to go down and shovel this poor bunny into a bag and put him in the garbage to take to the dump. All this before 7AM sheesh. I do not condone my cat killing rabbits, but my feeling is that if my lazy kitty can catch a bunny, we have way way too many rabbits. He is not the most agile hunter. So if the bunny can't escape my cat then there is no way he will make against all the other predators on our land.

The stick was darker this time than yesterday, I hope that means my numbers are going up.

world's most fertile infertile

So I went to my OB/Gyn this morning for my follow up appt. from my D&C. It's been six weeks since my surgery and still no AF. So I go in and of course I have pee in a cup. I don't think much about this b/c I POAS on May 31 and BFN so I KNOW I am not pg. Well I get in the stirrups and my lovely Dr. F comes in:

Dr. F: have you been having sex?

me: well yea.

Dr. F: well you came up with a slight BFP.

me: WHAT????? How can this be?

Dr. F: well you had sex.

me: I know that but geez I must be the most fertile person in the world

Dr. F: We will take a beta now and come back Monday and we will do another and see if you levels are doubling. If they are then you are pg, if not it might be residual from the D&C

me: what do we do if they are?

Dr. F: What do you mean what do we do?

me: I don't know, should I start taking progesterone?

Dr. F: no, just wait until Monday, and keep that man away from you fertile myrtle.

HOLY FUCK!!! I had not anticipated this. I have been drinking and taking xanax. My mind is reeling. I cannot go through another m/c again. I've already stocked up on tests so I can POAS all weekend long.

trying to make a plan

So today on my half hour commute to work, I was thinking about what do I want to do about this baby thing. I had a really good tearful conversation with my dear friend JD yesterday. She said to me sometimes you just need to waller in it. The sadness the grief. Although I feel I have been sad for three years, I have not allowed myself to waller. (this is our country term for wallow). I always feel I have to pick myself up and carry on, be strong. I am tired of being strong. I want to be a puddle on the floor.

So on the way to work I thought about this. What if we take the next three months off of TTC. I go back to acupuncture. I really felt that acupuncture and TCM helped me. I carried the longest I ever have, and we saw a heartbeat. Now that the evil septum is gone, maybe acupuncture and TCM can help me even more. I felt good and relaxed when I was going to acupuncture too.

I have a Dr. appt. with my OB next week, and she should have the pathology report back. I will listen to her advice about what she thinks I should do. Then the following week I have an appt. with my shrink. I will listen to what she thinks I should do. Finally on the 26th I have an appt. with my RE at that point I think I will be able to make a good plan with him. My thoughts are in September to do injectibles and possibly an IUI. Although we have no problem conceiving naturally, I wonder if something is off in our timing and maybe that causes the m/c.

At any rate this would give me three months to take care of myself, maybe lose some of this weight I have put on, and possibly enjoy the summer. Of course I have to discuss this with my DH, but this would also allow him to take some trips and make extra money, which we will need if we do an IUI.

Does anyone out there in blog land have a success story with recurrent miscarriage and then trying injectibles with an IUI?

The more I think about this the more I like the sound of this plan. Now watch my OB will be like "you have to get pg right now or there is no hope for you!" surely she won't say that.

still here........

My vacation to the outer banks was nice, except for the crazy wind that blasted us the last two days. It was a nice escape. When we got home all the sad and anger was still there.

My DH went with me for the first time to see my therapist. I am so afraid this infertility will push our marriage over the edge. Our session was ok.... I am not sure it was helpful, but at least he went, and that is a huge step in itself. I know my depression is back in full force, and so my medication dose has been upped. I started feeling better on Sunday.

Yesterday I saw a colleague of mine who had two m/c last year, now she is 6 months pg. It was so hard to watch her with her belly and not be jealous. The unfairness of this is sometimes the hardest thing. I hate myself for being jealous, and for not being able to speak to her. Thankfully we were at a big meeting and I was sitting on the other side of the room. I still feel like an ass for not being able to talk to her.

My work is super busy this week which keeps me distracted, but distracted enough to stop reading all the blogs out there. I really don't know what I will do this next cycle. I am ovulating now, and part of me says screw it, let's just see what happens. The other part says you need to give your body a break dude.

My therapist says The biggest thing is that you know you can get pregnant. Well shit on that. It doesn't mean anything if you can't carry.

Tomorrow is the two year anniversary of my first baby's EDD. May 22nd is the feast day of St. Rita of Cascia "the patron Saint of the impossible".

aftermath

I decided to have the D&C, my OB performed the surgery on Friday, she worked me in, so I would not have to wait a long time. One thing about my ob is that she is wonderful, she always remembers who I am, and I have only seen her twice. She has the courtesy to read up on my chart before speaking to me, so I don't have to rehash all my misfortunes. I absolutely love her. For once I feel I have a doctor who actually cares about me. The bad part is that she is not an RE, and so does not feel comfortable prescribing meds for infertility. My RE said we can do more clomid at higher dosage or be aggressive and go with injectibles. I feel like I am on the edge of falling apart. If I didn't have to deal with people on my job I might make it through. We do have a vacation planned for later this week to go to the outer banks for five days. I am looking forward to laying on the beach and reading books while my dh fishes. After discussing my options with my counselor bff Dr. G, I decided I would try again, but if I have another miscarriage I am taking an extended break. She says this gives me a boundary. I love Dr. G. She has been my best friend since 5th grade and just finished her PhD. in counseling. She is so good at giving advice as a counselor and as a friend. So now my question is how agressive do I approach this next cycle. The docs feel this miscarriage had nothing to do with my septum, and was most likely chromosomal. I have had two normal chromosomal miscarriages already though. I am convinced that my problem is a LPD, but no doctor will agree with me. If I take higher dosages of clomid it should help me ovulate sooner in my cycle instead of the cd21 like I usually do. But clomid can cause the uterine lining to be thinner, so would injectibles be a better bet? But then I don't know. My goal is to make it through the next three days without crying at work. wish me luck...

what should I do?

Yesterday I was diagnosed with a missed miscarriage. I was given the options of D&C, natural or drugs to start the process. My initial response was I do not want any more surgeries on my ute (I've had 2 d&c's and a septum resection) so I want it to happen naturally. My RE said that was fine whatever I wanted, but if I didn't start bleeding in two weeks, I needed to come in for a D&C. I spoke with my ob/gyn this morning to get her opinion as to what I should do. She feels I should have the d&C and start trying again immediately because my chances of carrying a successful pregnancy are best right now after my septum resection. She said another d&c would not cause problems. She really feels this is my best window of opportunity and the longer I wait after my surgery the larger the chances for scar tissue to build up in my ute. Emotionally I am not sure I can do this again. This will be my 5th miscarriage in less than three years. Do I take the chance and try again, or do I take a break and try to piece my life back together. I don't want to look back and feel like I missed my opportunity but I also don't want to wreck myself and my marriage more than I already have. I don't know what to do.

Empty

An empty yolk sac is all we saw yesterday.... It is very small and does not look promising. Unless a miracle happens, it looks like this will be m/c # 5. I cannot do this anymore, this is killing me, my husband and my marriage.

seven days and counting

I figure I must be about 21 days past conception right now. My u/s is next week. Last week I was extremely busy at work and time flew by, this week is not quite as busy, and the weekend gave me time to dwell on what might happen. I try hard not to think about what if we don't see a heartbeat next week. I am terrified. Also what if we do see a heartbeat? We saw one my last pregnancy and then I lost it three days later. I want to be positive and will this pregnancy to last, but doubt begins to creep in. I have googled 21 days past conception just to see where my body and the baby should be. I don't get a lot of clear information. My boobs are tender, and I am more tired than usual. The other thing is I have leg cramps at night. What is that about? No puking yet. I am having trouble focusing on anything b/c I am thinking about the baby. I hate this, feeling of helplessness. There is nothing I can do now. I am hoping five is our number. This is our fifth pregnancy and next month will be our 5th anniversary. That's a good sign right? I pulled out the book "Coming to Term" last night and re-read the section on uterine anomalies. It did not give me reassurance. I have almost a whole shelf of books on miscarriage and infertility now. When will I get to have books about pregnancy and babies? I have to stop thinking this way. Pull yourself together girl.

Prometrium?

My progesterone results came back 20, and my RE said that was borderline and given my history he decided to prescribe prometrium. This makes me feel like I am doing all that I can to sustain this pregnancy. I take 200mg vaginally twice a day. I took progesterone bullet suppositories with my last pg so I know about the ooze. I'm glad that my RE prescribed vaginally instead of orally. The side effects I read about for oral use didn't sound so great. Only 19 more days to go until u/s.

Beta #2

So I had my second Beta this morning, but I couldn't resist POAS when I got up and I go a faint BFP. The Beta results were 63, which is almost 5 times what it was on Monday. So that is good. I still don't know what my progesterone results were from Monday, so I don't know if I need prometrium or not. My RE scheduled my first u/s for April 21 at 7weeks. That seems like an eternity away, but I know that will be when we could actually see something too. I have had 5 week u/s before and that only added to my stress. Now I just need to find a way to keep my anxiety levels down for the next 20 days. I hope my new ute will provide a good home for this baby. I can't stop poking my boobs to see if they are sore, which they seem to be a little, but maybe that's from all the poking. I never had morning sickness with any of my previous pregnancies, and this sounds crazy but I am praying I will puke everyday. I need that reassurance that my body is making the hormones it needs. I will happily suffer for the next 9 months to hold a healthy baby in my arms. Shit, I cannot allow myself to think that far ahead, one day at a time right?

Hold on to your hats we're in for a bumpy ride

After my musing on when to POAS, I did anyway on CD 24, thinking it's so early it will be negative and then the damn stick won't be calling me from the bathroom drawer. So I took the test and as expected it was BFN I threw it away satisfied that it was too early to tell. Hours later I dug the test out of the trash and to my surprise I saw a very faint positive line. WTF!!! Why must you fuck with my head? Next day I talk to my RE nurse and she said my progesterone results were back and I did in fact ovulate as my level was 5.1. Seriously folks I'm pretty sure I must have ovulated maybe hours before the blood test. So I tell my nurse about my crazy HPT and ask her what should I do. She says well lets do a beta HCG on Monday along with your progesterone test. Great! It's Friday how will I restrain myself from POAS? I cannot and proceed to take five tests over the weekend all of which were negative, even after sitting in the trash for a few hours. So now I am convinced it was a fluke thing and I am not pregnant. But I still have to have the blood test on Monday (today). Nurse RE calls me and asks when was my LMP and my HCG levels are positive but really really low (13). Here's the thing according to my temps and the OPK's I ovulated on cd 20. Today is CD 28 so that's only 8 dpo. That little embryo should have only just implanted itself. AAAAHHHHH!!!! I wish that I had not had the test done at all. I go back on Wednesday for more blood to see if my levels are doubling. If they are doubling it's just really really early if not well we've been down that road before just not so early. I hate this.

POAS

Ok so now I am 4 dpo and of course my mind starts doing calculations as to how soon can I POAS. I have this running argument in my head, part of me wants to POAS on 10dpo, another part says what good is that information b/c it will be too early. If I have a BFP and they do an u/s we won't see anything. The other part argues but what if you need to take progesterone, they won't know that if you don't take the test. My RE sent another work order for me to have blood drawn on Monday, b/c the one they did this past one did not have enough progesterone as I was ovulating that day. The nurse did say that the clomid should make my cycles more normal ie.28 days. My body does not want to have a 28 day cycle. Since this whole fiasco started I have had a total of 3, 28 day cycles. My body wants to be a 30-32 day girl. Metformin at 2000mg gave me one 28 day cycle and daily diarrhea for 18mos. Acupuncture gave me one 28 day cycle. An HSG gave me a 28 day cycle. Otherwise I am always 30-32 days. I have had a few 39 and 40 day cycles too.

So anyway my RE nurse said that if I got a BFP and my progesterone levels were not high they would probably prescribe some Progesterone. I know the jury is out about Progesterone, but it would make me feel better. My third pregnancy I had a very early u/s at 5 wks LMP and my RE said he didn't think my lining was thick enough for a pregnancy. This makes me want to take progesterone now even though I may or may not be pg. However I did do progesterone suppositories for my 4th pg, and obviously it didn't help me carry.

My goal is to force myself to wait until April 7 which will be 14dpo to POAS. It's so hard... not to analyze every damn thing my body is doing, my boobs are tender but I also feel crampy, but maybe that's just my ute moving around to make room.
I am crazy its only 4dpo too early for implantation? This is the worst part of TTC.

CD21

On freaking CD 20 I finally got a positive on my OPK. I thought the clomid was supposed to make me ovulate sooner. Instead my body decides to keep to it's late as usual schedule. I had to have a blood draw this morning for my progesterone levels, and I know they will come back low, since I am ovulating now instead of a week ago. This means they will probably make me go back next week on CD 28 for another one. I used to faint when I had blood drawn, but now I am a pro. I guess that's one thing infertility has done for me, gotten me past my needle phobia. I am so tired of being in this in between state. I have gained 25 pounds over the last two and half years. I have been pregnant or trying to get pregnant that whole time. After my last m/c I wanted to train for a half marathon and get my body back in shape. But I was diagnosed with a septate u. and was scheduled for surgery two days before the race I registered for. I know I am making excuses for not running as much as I would like. I know they say running does not make you m/c, but I want to make sure I do everything I can to carry successfully. I am frustrated with everything. I want to move forward this holding pattern is getting really old. I really hope this cycle works and is successful.

stupid opk

I have yet to master the opk's. My cm and temps are telling me that I am about to ovulate. But the stupid test keeps giving me negative. So I will go to the drugstore today and drop some more money on the tests. I am on CD 16. I usually ovulate around CD 19, but this month I did a round of Clomid. Will this make me ovulate sooner or later? Meanwhile, I feel crummy and not in the mood for love. Last month I o'd on CD 17, but I also had an SHG on CD 10. My last pregnancy I used the OPK and I thought I missed my o b/c I never got a postive OPK, but then I on CD 31 I had a BFP. The test should not be this difficult for me to read. Another I am mad about is cancer. My secretary's mother is dying from cancer. She is riddled with it. This is the third person in the last six months who has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. Two of my good friend's fathers and now my secretary's mother. It's so awful and sad and frustrating. Damn cancer....

Dear Body

Dear Body- Hmmm.... where do I start? I know I have not been the best of partners through the years. In high school I did not feed you well enough due to my need to be thin. In college I abused you more by binge drinking and other things. In the last decade I have really tried to do better. I have pushed you beyond my expectations by running and training for two marathons and finishing one. I really thought having a baby would be easy comparitively. But body you have let me down a few too many times. Four times in the last 2 years to be exact. I struggle to understand why you can't just do what I want you to do. I know, I have control issues. I am working on letting things happen, even if they aren't according to plans. I also know you are tired. Tired of all the needles, the blood draws, the emotional upheaval. The surgery in Nov. hopefully put an end to this drama. And to top off our regular dose of Zoloft we have added Clomid this cycle. The side effects have not been so bad, but I begin to wonder will I ever have the body I once had. Probably not. We are forever changed by the four miscarriages, the hormone surges and all things attached. So my dear body, as we celebrate our 33rd year together tomorrow, I want to start fresh. I want to listen more carefully to your needs and make sure I give you the rest and nourishment you need, so that you can hopefully nourish our baby. I'm sorry I have been so angry with you. We are a team and I respect you. Let's make this the best year yet.
love,
me

support?

So yesterday I went to a local hospital to meet with a support group for women who have had miscarriages, stillbirths, or infant loss. This group was to be organized by the hospital's women's resource center. Well I was the only one who came aside from the woman who organized it. We had a nice chat and she apologized that no one else came even though six other women told her they were coming. So she asked me some questions that I found interesting and got me to thinking. She asked me what had been helpful during my losses and what had not. I don't think you every truly recover from a loss. In my case I felt very bonded to each of my babies and I think of them that way. Their due dates are etched in my brain. Still I believe that a stillbirth or infant loss would be infinitely harder to endure. In addition to mourning my losses, I mourn the loss of excitement and joy one has when seeing that BFP. That feeling is forever gone for me, replaced by fear and trepidation. So what was helpful to me? I know more than anything the Internet helped me. Knowing there were other people out there experiencing the same thing made me feel less alone. Maybe this is a virtual support group. When everyone around you appears to pop out babies with no problems, it's very depressing. After reading so many stories some positive, some not it gave me strength to keep going and not give up hope. My family has been extremely supportive, my in-laws not so much. Of course people said dumb things like it was "God's way" or it wasn't meant to be. But some people said things like "I'm sorry". You know that was enough. I never expected anyone to have magic words to make me feel better. Just knowing that someone cared was good enough. Being able to talk with my husband was good too. It wasn't until after the 3rd loss that I realized how much he was hurting too. I thought he didn't care, but he was holding it in and expressing in a much different way. My hope is that I can share my battle wounds of IF and maybe give someone else the courage or hope to keep trying or at least know they are not alone.

finding my faith

I was raised Catholic and identify myself as such, although I haven't been a regular practicing Catholic for some time. My miscarriages have made doubt and question everything about myself to God and His existence. The Church's stance on infertility treatment and abortion really bother me, not to mention the status of women as leaders in the Church. I think religion is important and I want it to be a part of my life. So my question is Catholicism for me, or do I look elsewhere. The thought is scary to me. I am unsure of what I want. I guess I want acceptance and peace without a lot of evangelism.

new year new uterus

I have been a blog lurker for a while, and I thought I might try my hand at writing my own. Here is my story. My DH and I got married in 2003 and decided we would start a family in 2005. How blissfully ignorant we were... as we thought it would be so easy. But life had other plans for us.

I stopped taking BCP in June and we were pregnant in Sept. I was excited and confident. In October I had my first miscarriage. My OB/Gyn was not worried and not so compassionate. I miscarried naturally at home and was told I could try again in two months. In January 2006 I got pregnant again, and saw a new OB at 8.5 weeks I miscarried again. My OB allowed me to miscarry at home again. After this miscarriage I went to see a specialist.

My RE did the usual round of blood tests and all was normal. He did a SHG and said I had a heart shaped uterus, again so so normal. He put me on metformin b/c he said I had a touch of PCOS. In October of 2006 I got pregnant again. Early ultrasounds were inconlclusive and my RE said maybe it just fizzled away (jack ass). Blood tests confirmed pregnancy and next ultrasound showed the egg sac. At my 9 week appt. no fetus on the ultrasound. Growth had stopped around 6 weeks. My RE performed a D & C in the office (I don't reccomend this). The "conception tissue" was tested and found to be a chromosomally normal boy. My RE said well maybe you just have bad luck.....

This was devastating and I was in a deep depression. The best thing about that RE was he recommeded a shrink who specializes in infertility and loss. Dr. A has been a godsend in my life. I read the book "Coming to Term" by Jon Cohen. This book was also very helpful and reassuring in my life. I decided to consult a new specialist in Jan. of 2007. This clinic turned out to be an IVF factory. Since I obviously don't have trouble conceiving I didn't feel IVF was the answer for me. As a result that RE was not very interested in me, but did order a battery of blood tests and an MRI for my uterus. All the blood tests came back normal and the MRI according to the tech was also normal. That RE told me to keep taking the metformin and that was that.

I decided to seek alternative therapy in May of 2007 and started seeing a Traditional Chinese Medicine Acupuncturist. The acupuncture was relaxing and the herbs were disgusting, but I did feel better and I had a cycle of 28 days for the first time. I got pregnant in June. The RE would not see me b/c "I got pregnant on my own" WTF? And my OB closed her practice so I had to find a new doc.

Went to a new OB at 7.5 weeks and saw a strong heartbeat, four days later I started bleeding and rushed to the OB. no heartbeat....
That day is still blurry to me, it was crushing

I had a D&C at the hospital two days later. This time under anethesia. Again the tissue was tested and found to be normal (a girl).

At this point I had, had 4 miscarriages all between 7 and 9 weeks gestation, with no explanation. I decided to try one more specialist, against my husband's wishes, but I felt I really needed to try one more. This RE looked at all my past blood work and my records. When he looked at my MRI films of my uterus he called me at work and said you need to have and HSG b/c I think your uterus had a septum.

I had the HSG done in October (that was not fun) the tech's showed me the x-rays and it was obvious I had a pretty significant septum. Thanks to Dr. Google I was pretty confident in my uterine anomaly information. My new RE asked if my previous RE had even looked at my films b/c my septum was so obvious. My answer was probably not since I didn't want to do IVF.

So (I promise were getting close to the present day) in November I had my septum resection done by hysterscopy. I was on danicren before the surgery to shed as much lining as possible so they could remove as much of the septum as they could. After surgery I was on estrogen patches for 8 weeks and took provera twice to induce a period.

Last week I had a follow up SHG and my RE said I had a beautiful uterus and I should have no problems with this uterus. Four OB/Gyn's and three RE's later maybe we have this thing figured out. So this begins a new year with a new and improved uterus.

Since my DH has left town for the week, this cycle is shot. But next cycle I will do my first round of clomid. I'm hoping I only have to do this once.

This blog will chronicle my journey into motherhood and probably allow me to vent along the way.