About Me

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North Carolina, United States
I'm a 36yr old, wife, wannabe mom, horticulturalist, halfass knitter, and sometimes runner, searching for my grace

Monday, November 15, 2010

back to our regular programming

I am breaking from the NaBloPoMo to get this off my chest.

On Thursday DH, the dog and me drove down to my parents home for a veterans day celebration. We bought my dad a brick on a new veterans memorial in the their town and the dedication was that day. The ceremony was beautiful and the brick was lovely. Very well done. In addition we brought my dog to stay with my parents during rifle season for deer. My dog runs loose and we have lots of hunters for the 6 week season each year. It's safer for my dog plus my parents adore my dog and treat him like a king when he stays with them. We had a lovely visit. But there was this...

Let me preface by saying my parents live in a little town, and are involved in various things so they know lots of people. At the dedication we kept running into people my mom knew from her work or wherever and she would introduce us. One lady said Oh are you the one with the little baby? I said no that is my SIL. And my mom chirps up she's the one with the dog. Now I know my mom meant well, but it was as if she said no she's the one that's infertile.

I feel like I am a "less than" person because I do not have children. Later we were talking about a co-worker of my mother's whose husband has cancer. She was telling us how they used to travel and ski in Europe all the time before the cancer. My husband asked "Wow what did he do?, he must have made lots of money." My mom said well they never had kids so you know.
Because if you don't have children you can jet set around the world. I was angry and hurt. Why do people refer to people w/o kids that way? We don't know that they didn't want children but couldn't have them.

But then I realized I think this about myself. I think of myself as a "less than" person because we can't/don't have children.

Until I stop thinking of myself this way how can I influence others to stop. So maybe the bigger question is WHY do I feel this way? What do I need to do to reprogram my brain to start valuing myself regardless of my status as a mother?

Tuesday, November 9, 2010


What was your favorite song this year? Five years ago? Ten years ago? Twenty?

Oh man this is a tough one. Right now I have been listening to the song "This too Shall Pass" by Ok Go. But I also love me some P!nk. One other song I love is Wagon Wheel by OCMS. (these songs aren't new this year but new to me). Last year the song I could not get enough of was Dave Matthews "Grey Street", it still makes me cry.

Five years ago I was listening to a lot of KT Tunstall. I really liked the song Finally I See. I had suffered my first miscarriage and was trying to figure it all out. (still am)

Ten years ago I was listening to a lot of Beth Orton, and Donna the Buffalo "There is No Place Like the Right Time" (We danced to this song at our wedding). Just finishing up grad school, and moving to NC.

Ok so 20 years ago it was 1990 and I was 15 years old. This was my phase with The Cure, I still love "Just Like Heaven". Holed up in my room sullen 15 year old girl. I also love the Indigo Girls "Closer to Fine".

Oh so many memories wrapped up in music.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Dream House

What would your dream home/apartment/condo/yurt look like? Where would it be? Who'd live in it with you?

I have to say that I am very lucky. I live in my dream house. We bought 106 acre pine plantation a few months after we were married in 2003. We were in the process of selling my husband's house when we stumbled on the ad advertising our land for sale. We had previously looked a several tracts with less acreage and a lot more cost. We saw the ad on Sunday and on Monday DH went to check it out. I was battling a monster cold and had stayed home from work. DH came home ecstatic about this land and I said great let's make an offer. He said no, we can't do that until you see it. So the next morning at 6am I stumbled out of the truck to look at the land. I looked around and said it looks great let's do it. Two hours later I called the real estate agency and offered the asking price. We locked in and we were lucky too because the real estate agent said after we called he had 13 more offers for more than the asking price. Our land is beautiful, in the foothills of the Uwharrie Mountains in the Piedmont of NC. I love that we live in middle of nowhere. We lived in a rental house for four years before we started building our house. I studied house plans forever before deciding on our house plan. We have two story brick home with cute front porch, back deck, carport and a full basement. Our floor plan is open that way when one person is cooking they are still a part of the action in the living room. Our master bedroom has a great master bath on the first floor. We plan to live here until we die or we are unable to care for ourselves. Our upstairs guest bedroom has a fabulous view. I love my house. It makes me so happy when I pull up the driveway and see it especially when my cats and dog run out to greet me.

My nearest neighbor is a half mile away. In the summer when I come home from running I often strip down naked outside and hang my clothes on the line. On Saturday DH shot a deer from the dormer window upstairs (how redneck can we be?). We live on a gravel road with 6 houses on the 2 mile stretch. We have wild turkeys, deer, coyotes, quail, and rattlesnakes.

In addition to my husband I wish to share our home with a child. Our child. I wish that one of our angel babies had lived to enjoy our house and land like we do. I pray that one day we will be able to share our dream.

Friday, November 5, 2010


What makes you notice someone?

This is a hard question because there are so many things that make me notice someone. I will start with shoes. If you are a woman I will look at your shoes, and if you have really cool shoes I am definitely more interested in you. I love shoes. It's actually sort of a problem for me. I also notice toe nails if you are wearing open toed shoes particularly if your nails are painted. One of my girlfriends has 4-yr old twins and they always look at my toes when I come to visit. It's a lot a pressure to have a good pedicure.

I notice a person's clothes. Are they cute, stylish do I want to wear what they have? I sound incredibly superficial here. Yikes.

I also look at people's eyes and eyebrows. My husband's eyebrows and freckles were the first thing I noticed about him. He has wonky eyebrows that need waxing. He only lets me pluck them once in a while. I also notice people's expressions. Do they look happy, sad, peaceful etc. ? When I see couples around my age w/o children I notice them. I wonder are you like me? I am sensitive to how they react around kids and conversations about kids. Being infertile has made me very hyper aware of these situations. I always seem to notice pg women too, and then I immediately look away. I wish I could look at them and smile, but I'm not quite there yet.

In other news I got my flu shot yesterday and now my armpit hurts. WTF? What does that mean? Is my lymph node inflamed or something? What do you do about a hurty armpit? Also I still haven't ovulated, it's cd 17. I was hoping my new herbs were going to give me the magical O on cd 14. If I can just ovulate before cd 20 that would be nice. I've only had a 28 day cycle unmedicated once in the last 5 years, so maybe I am asking too much. Acupuncture tomorrow.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

childhood toy

What toy from your childhood do you still have in your possession?

This was the prompt from Oct. 29th, but I didn't like today's prompt so this is the one I'm going with.

I have two special toys from my childhood. One is my Winnie the Pooh Bear. Pooh was a gift from my great grandmother before I was born. He has been very loved. He is missing half his nose and his arm has been resown one. He also has big stitches going up his back where his stuffing came out once. I think he had a vest or a t-shirt at one time but as long as I can remember he has been naked. The other toy is a stuffed koala bear. For some reason I was really into koala bears when I was 4-6 years old. I finally got to see one in real life at a special exhibit at the Knoxville Zoo when I was 15. I remember being disappointed because koala's sleep like 23 hours a day and eat for the one hour they are awake. So it wasn't the most exciting animal. But still cute. Anyway my stuffed animal koala was named Francis. I have no idea where I came up with that name but that was his name. Oh yeah Francis was a boy. I took Francis everywhere, and left him behind accidently a few times. I remember several times freaking out to my parents in our 1980 blue Honda civic hatchback to turn around because I left Francis at McDonald's or wherever. Somehow I always managed to get him back. He went with me to college and grad school and now has a special place in our guest room upstairs with Pooh Bear.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010


Describe the plot of the next book you want to read, even if the book doesn't exist yet.

The next book I want to read is The Help by Kathryn Stockett. I checked it out from our local library two weeks ago and it's due next week. I haven't opened it yet because I am trying to finish reading another book I started while at the beach.

The Help is about a young white woman in the early 1960s in Mississippi who becomes interested in the plight of the black ladies' maids that every family has working for them. She writes their stories about mistreatment, abuse and heartbreaks of working in white families' homes, all just before the Civil Rights revolution.

This book has come highly recommended from my librarian mother and several friends. My mom's library at a small liberal arts college had a book club discussion about the book and said it was great. So anyway I will most likely be renewing it next week and hopefully start reading it this weekend.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

National Blog Posting Month (NaBloPoMo)

Tell us the story of a piece of jewelry you own. Where did it come from, and what does it mean to you?

My wedding band belonged to my grandmother. My grandparents were married for 55 years and died 6 weeks apart from each other in 1996. My grandmother had ALS, but we didn't know that was the cause of her illness until the day before she died.

She was a fun woman full of spunk and eye for fashion. I didn't know that her hair was gray until I was in my late teens, because she always dyed it black. I continue this tradition, but dye my hair blond as it is easier maintenance. Vanity may be hereditary. My grandma was a terrible cook and she made no claims to be otherwise. My grandpa used to say she could burn water. They were such a cute couple and loved each other very much. My grandpa took care of her and lived to please her.

She always wanted a pet, but my grandpa didn't want one, because they traveled so much, so instead she started feeding a baby alligator from the canal behind their home in Florida. She gave it marshmallows and called it "baby", but Baby got big and one day came up to the back door and scared my grandma to death. That was the end of her alligator feeding.

My grandma had two wedding bands. The first was the original a simple yellow gold 14K band, the second was a blinged out diamond encrusted band. When my grandma died my grandpa gave the first band to me (the oldest granddaughter) and the diamond band to my cousin. This describes the differences between myself and my cousin completely. I wore the band on a gold chain around my neck until the day I got married and my husband placed it on my hand in 2003. We had our initials and our wedding date engraved inside. I didn't have to have it re sized or anything, it fit perfectly on my hand . It means so much to me to have this ring and have a symbol of my grandparents love for each other with me always.

One day maybe I will have a daughter to pass this ring on to, and if not it will go to my eldest niece.