About Me

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North Carolina, United States
I'm a 36yr old, wife, wannabe mom, horticulturalist, halfass knitter, and sometimes runner, searching for my grace

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Kitten News

One of the kittens showed up this morning at 5:30. I woke up to loud scratching and a tiny kitten climbing the screen of our bedroom window. I knew it was a kitten because my older cat is too fat to climb the screen. We ran to the door and there was Stanley the male kitten. He seems so worse for wear. A tiny scab on his chin, and a need to meow nonstop, hungry, but otherwise happy and healthy. He's asleep next to me on the bed right now. Maybe he was a up a tree all this time. Anyway it is a happy reunion. DH will look for Daisy the female just in case she is in a tree somewhere too. I will try to post a picture later.
Much happier day!

Thursday, July 28, 2011

pity party minute

Last night was just awful. The kittens are missing and most likely dead. I last saw them playing around our deck about 3 in the afternoon. No trace of them now. We choose to live in a secluded area that includes many predators, but the coyote problem has gotten out of control. They are not supposed to come close to the house. We've only had the kittens three weeks and now they are gone. They had brought such joy to us, especially because everything seemed so uncertain. I just feel like everytime we have just a little bit of happiness it gets snatched away. I know I have many blessings in my life and I am grateful. But damn. I feel so helpless I can't go look for the kittens I can't help around the house. I have to depend on DH for everything and he is not the best caretaker. I keep telling myself things could be worse. Be thankful. Crying is not going to make it better but it seems like all I can do.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

15 weeks to go?

So today completes my first week of bed rest. We are 21w4days pg. Yesterday I had an appointment with Dr. T. My cervix is stable at 1.7cm, closed and firm but still funneling. Baby is great, extremely active. The sonographer said Whoo you are going to have fun when she gets bigger. She already kicks through the day and night. But that's OK, because then I know she is alive. So Dr. T says no to cerclage. He feels the risk outweighs the benefits at this time. He says the next 6-8 weeks are critical for baby. First goal is to make it 28 weeks, but hopefully we make it to 36 weeks. He said if I make it to 36 weeks he doesn't care what I do I can go back to work, we will have a party. Dr. T gave me permission to work from home 4 hours a day on computer and phone as long as I am laying down. I still waiting for my work to give me the OK on that one. Hopefully they will or I will go stir crazy and exhaust all of my leave.

I'm trying to keep a sort of schedule. Get up at 6:45 with DH, eat breakfast and play with the kitties a little. Then back in bed. Work stuff until noon and then lunch. In the afternoon, reading, trolling the Internet and a little television. Once DH comes home I shower and then eat dinner, play with kitties and watch TV or movies with DH. Go to bed at 10. Rinse Lather Repeat.

At 24 weeks we may start doing steroid shots to help baby lungs along. It's a little nerve wracking, but I'm doing everything I can. Each day that passes means a stronger possibility of viability.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Bed Rest

I have been put on bed rest until further notice by Dr. T. My cervix went down to 1.7cm. Baby girl flipped around and now her head is at my cervix. So I am only allowed to get up to go to the bathroom, eat and take a shower. This is a critical time because we are not at viability yet. 21 weeks. Dr. T said it is too risky to do a cerclage after 23 weeks. My cervix is still closed, but significantly shorter than last week. FUCK. I am trying hard to keep a brave face and be positive. DH on the other hand if falling apart. He is distraught and very angry. He keeps talking about why is God punishing him. I don't know what to do. I told him we will just have to ask for help, and people will help us. Neither of us like doing that, but in this situation this is what we must do. I know this little girl is destined for greatness she is so special she has to be shared with the world. I just have to do what I can to get my stupid body to get her here.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

owning it

Lately, I have been asking myself why I don't feel like I "own" this pregnancy. What I mean is that I feel like it's happening to someone else and I am just watching. I want to be reveling in it and feeling the joy. Instead its just weird and I don't know how I feel except awkward and scared. I have a hard time putting into words how I feel, except that I feel somehow detached.

My cervix is still stable and we had our big scan last week. We are having a girl, which is pretty exciting. The placenta is lying low so it will be included in my weekly checks. Now I can add incompetent cervix and placenta previa to my list of worries. I joined the YMCA so I can swim now. I have to go early in the morning before work which is tough but manageable and I feel so much better afterwards. I've been feeling her little kicks at times. She is a pretty active little fetus, whenever they do the ultrasound she is flipping and turning.

Recently I realized that I really don't know jack shit about babies and that scares me to death. I know a whole lot about miscarriage and early pregnancy but beyond that I am clueless. I've tried to look at baby stuff and figure out what we need but it all seems so overwhelming. I am hoping that one day I will just suddenly feel like shopping for that stuff. Hopefully I'll have the essentials before she is here.

Otherwise physically I'm doing well, gaining weight at the appropriate rate, blood pressure is stellar, and no other problems aside from a little heartburn. Well there is one thing... I have a cleavage issue. I've never had boobs before and I'm not sure how to deal with these things, but often I look down see I am giving quite a show.

So far we are signed up for child birth class in October and breast feeding in Nov. and we are on a waiting list for daycare to start in late February. She is not due until Dec. 3rd. It seems so soon and optimistic to me, but this is how the fertiles do it, so I need to try and blend a little better. Fake it till you make it right?