owning it

Lately, I have been asking myself why I don't feel like I "own" this pregnancy. What I mean is that I feel like it's happening to someone else and I am just watching. I want to be reveling in it and feeling the joy. Instead its just weird and I don't know how I feel except awkward and scared. I have a hard time putting into words how I feel, except that I feel somehow detached.

My cervix is still stable and we had our big scan last week. We are having a girl, which is pretty exciting. The placenta is lying low so it will be included in my weekly checks. Now I can add incompetent cervix and placenta previa to my list of worries. I joined the YMCA so I can swim now. I have to go early in the morning before work which is tough but manageable and I feel so much better afterwards. I've been feeling her little kicks at times. She is a pretty active little fetus, whenever they do the ultrasound she is flipping and turning.

Recently I realized that I really don't know jack shit about babies and that scares me to death. I know a whole lot about miscarriage and early pregnancy but beyond that I am clueless. I've tried to look at baby stuff and figure out what we need but it all seems so overwhelming. I am hoping that one day I will just suddenly feel like shopping for that stuff. Hopefully I'll have the essentials before she is here.

Otherwise physically I'm doing well, gaining weight at the appropriate rate, blood pressure is stellar, and no other problems aside from a little heartburn. Well there is one thing... I have a cleavage issue. I've never had boobs before and I'm not sure how to deal with these things, but often I look down see I am giving quite a show.

So far we are signed up for child birth class in October and breast feeding in Nov. and we are on a waiting list for daycare to start in late February. She is not due until Dec. 3rd. It seems so soon and optimistic to me, but this is how the fertiles do it, so I need to try and blend a little better. Fake it till you make it right?