About Me

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North Carolina, United States
I'm a 36yr old, wife, wannabe mom, horticulturalist, halfass knitter, and sometimes runner, searching for my grace

Friday, August 28, 2009

useful information?

I reluctantly called my RE's office this week, because after my D&C I was told to give them a call in 2 weeks if I hadn't heard anything. They did a CVS and tested the fetal tissue, and karyotyped. The CVS was done b/c my RE was adamant we have it done, even though two MFM's said it's going to be normal. But Dr. P my RE really really really wanted it done so it was.

Well guess what? It was a genetically normal girl. What the fuck does this tell us? Nothing that's what. I'm normal disgustingly normal. Dear God how I wish something was wrong at least then we could put a label on it. Create a plan on how to treat it, instead we get unexplained RPL.

I feel so defeated, so sad, so tired, my chest feels tight and breathing is a battle.

I am waiting to hear back from Dr. P and then I guess we will discuss our options. From all my previous test results I can't tell that I have been tested for immunologic problems specifically NK cells. Not sure what difference this makes in the end.

My doctors are good and caring people, I thought Dr.P might cry at my d&c and my MFM Dr. D. was simply beautiful throughout this mess. I am lucky to have caring medical professionals.

I looked at surrogacy websites yesterday to get a feel for the potential cost, which looks to be close to or even more than adoption. Truly I just don't know how I feel about any of it. Even though, I know I don't have to make decisions right now, there is also this underlying sense of urgency. We're not getting any younger, DH's parents are in their 70's now. These are silly things but still weigh heavily on my mind. What does it mean if we just stop?

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


It's been two weeks since my baby died. The first week was spent frantically trying to schedule a d&c, with anesthesia and a doctor I knew. The second week spent travelling to Indiana for my cousin's wedding and distracting myself with books on CD and long visits with a dear friend. Yesterday it all came crashing in again.

I truly don't know where we will go from here. For the first time I can picture my life without children, but with that I can also picture myself trying again.

Hope can be one strong bitch when she wants to be.

My fertility monitor told me I am ovulating today. Interesting because I am still bleeding from the d&c. Our bodies are weird contraptions.

So what I want to do right now is crawl back into bed and not face the world, but I can't do that forever. Right now I am just going through the motions.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009


The ultrasound on Monday showed no heartbeat. My baby died sometime on Friday or Saturday. I will have a d&c on Friday. Fucking deja vu all over again. Fool me once shame on you, fool me 7 times, for fuck's sake what's wrong with me? How many times can a person be kicked down before they decide they don't want to get up anymore? I can't do this anymore. I'm not sure where we will go from here, but I will be out of Internet land for awhile. I'm in the public library and the pregnant librarian is discussing how she will decorate her nursery. I need to get out of here.