About Me

My photo
North Carolina, United States
I'm a 36yr old, wife, wannabe mom, horticulturalist, halfass knitter, and sometimes runner, searching for my grace

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

#7

The ultrasound on Monday showed no heartbeat. My baby died sometime on Friday or Saturday. I will have a d&c on Friday. Fucking deja vu all over again. Fool me once shame on you, fool me 7 times, for fuck's sake what's wrong with me? How many times can a person be kicked down before they decide they don't want to get up anymore? I can't do this anymore. I'm not sure where we will go from here, but I will be out of Internet land for awhile. I'm in the public library and the pregnant librarian is discussing how she will decorate her nursery. I need to get out of here.

43 comments:

Bluebird said...

I'm so sorry honey. Please, take care of yourself.

Dan & Hillary and little Russell said...

My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry. We've had seven total m/c's as well. If it weren't for the Endometrin and Lovenox, I don't think we'd be carrying this pregnancy.

Again, I am so, so sorry..

Astrid said...

I'm indescribably sorry to hear this. I hope you are able to find the distance and support that you need in the coming weeks and months. And I hope they can help you fix this thing.

JJ said...

I am just so, so sorry...and I know thats not even enough. Please, please let me know if I can come take you out for coffee, whatever you need...
Thinking of you...

Fertilized said...

I am sending you virtual hugs .. lots of them. I am very sorry for your loss

Rotten said...

I am a friend of JJ's. Just wanted to send you a virtual hug. I am so sorry.

Kristin said...

I am so very, very sorry. I've been in your shoes and it SUCKS! {{{Hugs}}} and prayers coming to you.

Tara said...

I am so terribly sorry to hear this. My heart aches for you. Please be good to yourself and do whatever you need to do to get through.

kate said...

AmyLynn- I don't know you, but I'm a fellow NC Blogger, and I wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you now, and wishing you some peace and some comfort. I am just so sorry that you are having to endure this. Infertility sucks. It's just so unfair and I am so sorry that you are stuck in this battle.

Panamahat said...

I am utterly gutted for you and can genuinely say I know exactly how you feel as I am currently awaiting the demise of my seventh pregnancy as I write this. The ultrasound at 7w4d showed CRL of 6w1d and heart rate of 90. We go back for the scan that tells us it is dead next Thursday, and I will follow you shortly to the land of D&C.

I do know also how you feel about getting your hopes up this many times, thinking this time might be different, thinking you are in with a chance. What can I say? It hurts just as much all over again.

I am so incredibly sad for you right now. I wish I had your email so I could be sure you would read this soon. I am sending you as much love and strength as I can muster. xxxx

myaruminations said...

Here from NC Bloggers. I wanted to tell you that you are in my thoughts. And I am so very sorry for you loss.

jill said...

Here from LFCA. I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending some *hugs* your way.

cheryllookingforward said...

I'm so sorry. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Sunny said...

I'm here from LFCA. I am so terribly sorry to hear of your loss. Sending prayers for you and your husband.

Meghan said...

Here from LFCA. I wish I had something to say besides I'm so so SOOO sorry and that this is beyond unfair. I'll keep you in my thoughts

Michele said...

From LFCA...

I am so very sorry. We have lost three babies to early miscarriage and three babies due to 2nd trimester prematurity. It breaks my heart to know how the grief tears through you. Sending hugs and prayers.

Shinejil said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you find some peace and refuge and support.

areyoukiddingme said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish there were something more I could do to make you feel better.

Kahla said...

I'm so very sorry, I can't even begin to imagine how hard this must be for you.

Aunt Becky said...

I'm so, so sorry.

Stacey said...

Oh, no. I'm so sorry to read this. Please know that you're in my thoughts. After going through 6 losses, I'm terrified of having to face that again. My heart truly goes out to you.
I hope you'll take the time that you need to heal and don't let anyone try to rush you through it.
Praying for comfort and peace.

Parenthood For Me said...

I am very sorry for your loss.

Mrs. Gamgee said...

I am so very very sorry. Take care of yourself.

LFCA

scarredbellybutton said...

Fuck. I'm so sorry.

Meg said...

I am so incredibly sorry. I do not have the right words to help you through this and only you know what you will need. A break from it sounds like a good start. I will be thinking of you and sending you strength.

Grad3 said...

That sucks beyond fucking belief.

There are no words. I wish I was there to hug you, give you all the chocolate and food you wanted, and sit there while not talking so the silence wasn't so deafening.

It isn't right and it's just not fair. Sending you the ~biggest, warmest, most supportive hugs~ I can offer...

Silya said...

I am so sorry. Thinking of you, and just generally mad at the universe on your behalf.

just me, dawn said...

I am so sorry. ((hugs))

Heidi said...

much love. many hugs. and I wish I knew the answer.

JuliaS said...

I am truly sorry - I know how frustrating and hard recurrent pregnancy can be.

Sending you wishes for better things to come.

here from LFCA

Malloryn said...

I am so sorry for this terrible loss.

Rhianna and Nick said...

Here from LFCA... Sending vibes of peace your way. I'm so genuinely sorry for your loss.

Julia said...

Here from LFCA, and am just so sorry for your loss, for all your losses.

twoweekwait said...

Here from LFCA.

I am so so so sorry. I hate that this happened. No, you're not a fool to have tried again. There is no shame on you. It's just fucked up. Its not your fault in any way.

***hugs***

You are in my thoughts.

Jendeis said...

I'm sorry. I'm just so damn sorry.

Melis.sa said...

here from LFCA


I am so, so sorry. ((HUGS))

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

WiseGuy said...

This is cosmically junked out! Am so very sorry.

My words cannot take away your pain, but I just hope that there is some deliverance, and that God gets his act together.

So sorry.

nancy said...

My heart is feeling some of your pain. If I could take some FOR you, I would. I'm so sorry. So very sorry.

(from L&F)

Sophie said...

This is awful. I am so so sorry. :(

Pundelina said...

I can't imagine how awful you must feel. I'm so sorry.

(((hugs))) (from LFCA)

Vee said...

I am sorry for your loss.

Cassandra said...

Here from LFCA...

I am so terribly sorry. Take care of yourself; the Internet will be here waiting when you decide you're ready.

JemLowSF said...

Sigh. I wish there was something I could say that would make you feel better.

((HUG))

Jem
http://ambivalentwomb.blogspot.com/