About Me

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North Carolina, United States
I'm a 36yr old, wife, wannabe mom, horticulturalist, halfass knitter, and sometimes runner, searching for my grace

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


It's been two weeks since my baby died. The first week was spent frantically trying to schedule a d&c, with anesthesia and a doctor I knew. The second week spent travelling to Indiana for my cousin's wedding and distracting myself with books on CD and long visits with a dear friend. Yesterday it all came crashing in again.

I truly don't know where we will go from here. For the first time I can picture my life without children, but with that I can also picture myself trying again.

Hope can be one strong bitch when she wants to be.

My fertility monitor told me I am ovulating today. Interesting because I am still bleeding from the d&c. Our bodies are weird contraptions.

So what I want to do right now is crawl back into bed and not face the world, but I can't do that forever. Right now I am just going through the motions.


Bluebird said...

Going through the motions is enough right now. I'm proud of you.


Grad3 said...

Just getting through the day is a major accomplishment- two weeks is a major accomplishment. Hang in there...

~Sending big hugs~

JJ said...

Always here if you need me...

Astrid said...

You are so strong. Give yourself time to make up your mind. Our bodies are weird. I'm reminded of that daily these days. We are all forever changed and we know too much. Try to continue enjoying the break and the blessings in life. You're in my thoughts.

Stacey said...

It is definitely a one-day-at-a-time kind of thing, right? Distractions make some days easier, but those eventually go away. I'm sorry that it's so hard. You're in my thoughts & prayers still.

Panamahat said...

Going through the same motions myself and wondering when the fog will lift. Feeling for you, as we ride the rocky sea in the same crappy ol' leaky boat. One day at a time is enough to ask, and we can't expect to see the future path of our decision making from here. It will come, and whatever it is, you will be able to deal with it. *smooch*

I was dealt an almost fatal blow yesterday with the discovery that very very very super close BFF in same small hometown conceived the week my baby died. This is going to be HARD. OOh boy. As if I needed this kind of curve ball.

Um, so, if you find the secret to how we pick ourselves back up and keep slogging it out, let me know. I'm pretty much near done, myself. As for hope, I discovered a dictionary meaning: 'confident expectation' and I had to admit to myself that in my heart, I had no confidence in the least of the expectation of a live birth from my egg/uterus. So it would seem I have no hope. A wish, a desire, a longing, yes, all those things. But hope? No, not now, not after this. I'm glad you can find some, though, at least some of the time. xx