About Me

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North Carolina, United States
I'm a 36yr old, wife, wannabe mom, horticulturalist, halfass knitter, and sometimes runner, searching for my grace

Friday, August 28, 2009

useful information?

I reluctantly called my RE's office this week, because after my D&C I was told to give them a call in 2 weeks if I hadn't heard anything. They did a CVS and tested the fetal tissue, and karyotyped. The CVS was done b/c my RE was adamant we have it done, even though two MFM's said it's going to be normal. But Dr. P my RE really really really wanted it done so it was.

Well guess what? It was a genetically normal girl. What the fuck does this tell us? Nothing that's what. I'm normal disgustingly normal. Dear God how I wish something was wrong at least then we could put a label on it. Create a plan on how to treat it, instead we get unexplained RPL.

I feel so defeated, so sad, so tired, my chest feels tight and breathing is a battle.

I am waiting to hear back from Dr. P and then I guess we will discuss our options. From all my previous test results I can't tell that I have been tested for immunologic problems specifically NK cells. Not sure what difference this makes in the end.

My doctors are good and caring people, I thought Dr.P might cry at my d&c and my MFM Dr. D. was simply beautiful throughout this mess. I am lucky to have caring medical professionals.

I looked at surrogacy websites yesterday to get a feel for the potential cost, which looks to be close to or even more than adoption. Truly I just don't know how I feel about any of it. Even though, I know I don't have to make decisions right now, there is also this underlying sense of urgency. We're not getting any younger, DH's parents are in their 70's now. These are silly things but still weigh heavily on my mind. What does it mean if we just stop?


Grad3 said...

They are not silly things. It's important. It's all important, which makes it all the much harder and brings that urgency.

Our stories seem similar and I would like to encourage you (if I may be so bold)to look into the immune testing. My RE wanted egg donor we wanted immune testing. So we had leukocyte antibodies and Nk done- turned out I had leukocyte issues. Both are treated the same way and SIRM just developed a newer, cheaper way to treat it (if that is the problem).

We weren't sure what would happen when we got the testing done- but knew it help us better understand our options and where we wanted to go.

And if you stop, it just means that you are ready to let go. That you are ready to have a life that you can enjoy- just maybe not in the way you originally thought. But you will still have a full, happy life.

~Big, Warm Hugs~

Panamahat said...

What to say? I am so sorry that there are no easy answers for what went wrong, and terribly sorry for the loss of your precious, normal, baby girl.

I was interested to hear what Grad3 had to say about leukocyte issues - I don't think I've had that test either. And I can't remember exactly what the whole IVIg issue is about, but I read somewhere that doctors are now substituting low dose prednisone instead, which for people in Australia would be useful as IVIg is SO hard to access here.

What I'm thinking now- if I do replace an embryo from a donor egg cycle, I am going to do lovenox AND prednisone, to cover all bases. Meanwhile, the search for a surrogate is well underway.

Maybe you're not ready to stop trying to have a child, but maybe you are at a place where the road forks off and you begin to consider some other options for the process of bringing that child home. And that probably means giving up some level of connection to that child, and this in turn is a loss, and as such must be grieved.

And if you are ready to stop, it does not mean you failed or you suck or you're lazy because you won't go the extra yard. You'll stop because it is right for you, on a very deep level, and because that choice is compatible with your value system, your strongly held beliefs about yourself and your relationship. And you will know when that time has come.

And wherever you are now, in making those decisions, is perfectly ok, even if it is confusing and scary. And I'm here to support you being there. xxx

JJ said...

Im not as well versed as these other lovely ladies, but just here to check on you...thinking of you--

Meg said...

I will never forget the results that out mc 2 was a normal girl. It was crushing. I am thinking of you and really hope you find out how to proceed, whether it be you doctor or your gut feeling....you will know soon what to do. Hang in there.