Tomorrow is my 35th birthday. Hummphhh. The lyrics to An.i Di.Franco's song Wish I May roll through my head...
"it takes a stiff upper lip
just to hold up my face
i gotta suck it up and savour
the taste of my own behaviour
i am spinning with longing
faster then a roulette wheel
this is not who i meant to be
this is not how i meant to feel"
This is NOT who I meant to be... this bitter shell of who I used to be. I hate that this thing RPL has taken so much of my joy, has taken my ability to have joy for others. I hate what it has done to my husband and I hate that I don't know what or how to make it better. Last night we had THE conversation again. We talk about money and the potential costs of trying to have a biological child. The cost and knowing there is no guarantee that we will carry to term make this that much harder. So I ask him to look hard inside and tell me if wants to do this, because I need him to be totally on board. This is hard there is nothing easy about this.
When we have THIS conversation, it somehow falls back to my brother and his wife and how they were not supportive during our losses. My husband does not forgive this, and feels they do not deserve a child, nonetheless they have one and we do not. He has chosen to not take part in family gatherings because of this. While this hurts me, I respect his choice and do not push it. But he has to understand that I won't sever ties and my niece is important to me. I want to be a part of her life. I want to be there for her if she needs someone and I want her to feel loved. That means I have to suck up my own feelings of insecurity and grief and go to the 1st birthdays and other functions. I know he wants to wrap ourselves in a world where there are no oops babies and all parents have good jobs and make good decisions before they have a child. You know that this is not possible and moreover I wouldn't even exist if my parents had waited to meet those expectations. My brother loves that baby with all his heart and so does his wife and they will do anything for her. I think my husband needs a target to direct his anger at all our misfortune and my brother is it.
So we continue on this endless merry-go-round and really I just want to get off. It's my birthday tomorrow and I want something to be joyful about.