About Me

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North Carolina, United States
I'm a 36yr old, wife, wannabe mom, horticulturalist, halfass knitter, and sometimes runner, searching for my grace

Wednesday, March 10, 2010


Tomorrow is my 35th birthday. Hummphhh. The lyrics to An.i Di.Franco's song Wish I May roll through my head...

"it takes a stiff upper lip
just to hold up my face
i gotta suck it up and savour
the taste of my own behaviour
i am spinning with longing
faster then a roulette wheel
this is not who i meant to be
this is not how i meant to feel"

This is NOT who I meant to be... this bitter shell of who I used to be. I hate that this thing RPL has taken so much of my joy, has taken my ability to have joy for others. I hate what it has done to my husband and I hate that I don't know what or how to make it better. Last night we had THE conversation again. We talk about money and the potential costs of trying to have a biological child. The cost and knowing there is no guarantee that we will carry to term make this that much harder. So I ask him to look hard inside and tell me if wants to do this, because I need him to be totally on board. This is hard there is nothing easy about this.

When we have THIS conversation, it somehow falls back to my brother and his wife and how they were not supportive during our losses. My husband does not forgive this, and feels they do not deserve a child, nonetheless they have one and we do not. He has chosen to not take part in family gatherings because of this. While this hurts me, I respect his choice and do not push it. But he has to understand that I won't sever ties and my niece is important to me. I want to be a part of her life. I want to be there for her if she needs someone and I want her to feel loved. That means I have to suck up my own feelings of insecurity and grief and go to the 1st birthdays and other functions. I know he wants to wrap ourselves in a world where there are no oops babies and all parents have good jobs and make good decisions before they have a child. You know that this is not possible and moreover I wouldn't even exist if my parents had waited to meet those expectations. My brother loves that baby with all his heart and so does his wife and they will do anything for her. I think my husband needs a target to direct his anger at all our misfortune and my brother is it.

So we continue on this endless merry-go-round and really I just want to get off. It's my birthday tomorrow and I want something to be joyful about.


Sue said...

I'm sorry. No one should have to deal with so much hard stuff on any day, and certainly not on a birthday. I hope you're able to find some joy in your special day.

Andie said...

Happy birthday!!! I hope you have a very special day and find lots of things to celebrate.

I know where you are at - we are having a lot of "those" conversations at the moment. It's hard.

Panamahat said...

Well it is Thursday the 11th where I am right now, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

I am sorry that it is tinged with sadness and frustration and that you are not yet where you want to be. I really know how that feels.

I am planning my 40th birthday party (for May) knowing that the weekend will see me childless and with the results of my (upcoming, April) donor egg IVF only just in hand. Chances are good it will either be negative or early miscarriage, but I will be sucking it up. The donor chose the cycle dates, and she's doing me the favour, so what could I do? Sigh.

So much of this stuff is just way out of our control. I feel for your husband and his bitterness at your brother's fortune (I have a similar issue with my own brother. Whose wife is currently gestating their second - after 4 months of 'agony' trying, and not long after I lost my eight child). I really admire your ability to keep ties with your family strong, and to be part of your niece's life.

I wish that today some joy will come your way, and that you can celebrate your special day with love in your heart. I'm sending you lots from over here. xx

Stacey said...

Sorry I'm a day late! I hope you enjoyed your day yesterday, and I hope even more that this will turn out to be a joyful year for you. I just want you to know that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all that RPL does to a person and all that it tries to take away. I know it can be hard to find reasons to celebrate in all of this, but I'm hoping that your birthday was a happy occasion. Thinking of you!

Grad3 said...

I hope that you were able to find some joy on your birthday. It's hard... all the time. And so frustrating to have the same conversations over and over and still feel like you are in the same place.

I hope that you were able to make some positive progress. Hugs hun.

K77 said...

I hope you manage to have some happiness on your birthday.

like.a.gown said...

B, ug. Ug! I agree, this does not feel to me like the life you are meant to have. Sometimes I fantasize about you leaving part of it behind to see what else awaits for you in life. Such a big unknown to step into, after you have stepped into bunches of unknowns, but sometimes I imagine you taking that stride with your beautiful, brownskin legs. Maybe sometime I will find a way to articulate that to you better.

One thing I think reading this is that your niece was a planned baby, with married employed parents behind her. So, the buffers of logic JA uses to make sense of things don't apply to her.

LOVE, much love. J