About Me

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North Carolina, United States
I'm a 36yr old, wife, wannabe mom, horticulturalist, halfass knitter, and sometimes runner, searching for my grace

Thursday, September 17, 2009


Dear Uterus- Why must you be such a shithead? I try my best to have a healthy relationship with you, but you keep letting me down. This lastest shenanigan of hiding AF from me is very irritating. I am trying to forgive you for your past mistakes with the killing babies and everything, but you are not making it easy. Give me back my period so we can start over.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Phone Consultation

I just got off the phone with SIRM clinic. First the dr. spent an hour on the phone with me. WOW! Because this was a free consult.

He said, with all my history and test results there is no reason for me to be on Lovenox. We talked about the possibility of genetic factors that we can't see with a general karyotype.

He suggested I have the full autoimmune panel blood work done. He seemed to know my RE, Dr.P as he kept referring to him by his first name, and was understanding of the fact that Dr. P doesn't believe in immune problems and RPL. He explained about intralipid treatments and the success he has seen at SIRM and what it might involve if my tests are positive.

He also suggested my dh get a sperm analysis.

Some things that impressed me, are that he did not push IVF with PGD which is what several other doctors have said. He didn't mention it all. He did mention IUI, but simply for a timing issue. He didn't talk about me having to come all the way to NJ for treatment if it's needed.

I asked him if I should be alarmed about no AF at cd39 (BFN this morning test #8). He said not really, but there could be some scarring that could be slowing AF down. He did think I should have Dr. P do the SHG like he wants too, and possibly follow me through one normal cycle with u/s at cd3 and cd 14. I've never had that done before.

So all in all I am very pleased with this consult and it at least gives me some things to think about.

Friday, September 11, 2009

labels and plans

I already know I have the label habitual aborter on my chart, and probably difficult patient too. But these labels will not define me. I thought long and hard last night about what will I do.

I still have not gotten my period and HPT #5 was negative, now on cd 35. After my 3rd miscarriage it took 36 days for AF. My longest cycle was 40days (possible chemical pg). I ran hard yesterday hoping to kickstart AF, but no.

So if I am pg, I will start Lovenox as soon as I get a positive HPT, along with prometrium. I have a month's supply of both, b/c I just refilled my Rx right before the miscarriage. We are going on a trip to Portland for a week Sept.20th, so my feeling is to wait until we get back to call the doctor. I think I will call the MFM, but maybe my RE too. We also have a camping trip planned for Oct 11-14th. My thoughts are not to have u/s until we get back from that. That would put me at 10wks post d&c. God knows how many dpo, since I thought I o'd on cd 11 and obviously that can't be right b/c I would have had BFP or AF by now.

So right now, live my life try not to worry, because what can I do anyway. Hopefully I will know one way or the other in a few days. I hope I know something by Tuesday when I have my phone consult with SIRM.

Thursday, September 10, 2009


What am I going to do if I am pregnant? I know we should have waited longer, and I shouldn't have trusted the Fertility Monitor. Damnit, we have been down this road before. I should have known better. Now I will have even more sad faces on my chart. I spoke with my MFM Dr. D. this morning briefly. She said she would contact other doctors across the country about my case to see if there might be other treatments. She said she had found nothing new, and then I told her I hadn't started my period yet, but several pg tests were negative.

Her voice just dropped and she said oh....I could feel the dirty look across the phone.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009


I am worried I am pregnant again. I have taken 4 tests all negative, but it's cd32 and still no period. Shit...

My RE Dr. P wants to look at uterus again. Because maybe it's changed since the last time he looked at it? Another SHG for me yippee!! He said no to the immune testing.

I have a phone consultation with SIRM next week.

I am carrying around this grief in my heart, that makes me lay awake at night wondering if my heart will stop beating. Nothing takes the ache away. I know I am depressed and should seek therapy again. The thing is I don't want to talk about it. It hurts too much to speak, and it is easier to push it away. Although I know this is not healthy it's the best I can do for now.