About Me

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North Carolina, United States
I'm a 36yr old, wife, wannabe mom, horticulturalist, halfass knitter, and sometimes runner, searching for my grace

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

still here........

My vacation to the outer banks was nice, except for the crazy wind that blasted us the last two days. It was a nice escape. When we got home all the sad and anger was still there.

My DH went with me for the first time to see my therapist. I am so afraid this infertility will push our marriage over the edge. Our session was ok.... I am not sure it was helpful, but at least he went, and that is a huge step in itself. I know my depression is back in full force, and so my medication dose has been upped. I started feeling better on Sunday.

Yesterday I saw a colleague of mine who had two m/c last year, now she is 6 months pg. It was so hard to watch her with her belly and not be jealous. The unfairness of this is sometimes the hardest thing. I hate myself for being jealous, and for not being able to speak to her. Thankfully we were at a big meeting and I was sitting on the other side of the room. I still feel like an ass for not being able to talk to her.

My work is super busy this week which keeps me distracted, but distracted enough to stop reading all the blogs out there. I really don't know what I will do this next cycle. I am ovulating now, and part of me says screw it, let's just see what happens. The other part says you need to give your body a break dude.

My therapist says The biggest thing is that you know you can get pregnant. Well shit on that. It doesn't mean anything if you can't carry.

Tomorrow is the two year anniversary of my first baby's EDD. May 22nd is the feast day of St. Rita of Cascia "the patron Saint of the impossible".


admin said...

So glad you are still here. I know what you mean about seeing pregnant friends. It is sometimes just too hard. Give yourself the room you need to feel safe. One of our closest friends became pregnant just weeks after our last loss. They told us when they were ten weeks and I have not seen her since. She was due last week. But sometimes it is just too painful. Protect yourself. Its ok.

I just want you to know that I have been thinking of you and saying prayers for you. I am not a religious person, but since this whole ordeal began it feels good to lay in bed and think about those around be who I hope so much will find what they are searching for.

Be well. Rest. And give yourself time.

Meg said...

I completely agree that being able to get pregnant means squat if you cannot carry a single pregnancy to term. The "at least you know you can" does not help you feel like you can at all.

I have been wondering about you so thanks for checking in.