About Me

My photo
North Carolina, United States
I'm a 36yr old, wife, wannabe mom, horticulturalist, halfass knitter, and sometimes runner, searching for my grace

Monday, July 14, 2008

no heartbeat

My embryo died last week. The u/s scan showed no heartbeat. I haven't started to miscarry yet, in fact my pg symptoms are still here. I have to decide what to do by Thursday this week. If I don't start to miscarry I have to decide between a D&C or a medicated miscarriage. I really don't want anymore surgeries but I also can't stand the idea of carrying this around with me for weeks waiting for the miscarriage to start. I am worried about the medicine I don't know what to expect. Has anyone done this before? The doctors are clueless and are saying I should consider adoption or surrogacy. Right now I just want the world to stop, but instead I am at this conference. We will be taking a break for now from either exploring adoption or ttc for at least six months maybe longer. I can't do this anymore. Please keep me in your prayers because my faith in God and myself is really shaken.

27 comments:

Mel said...

Oh my God, I am so sorry. I was so hopeful for you, I cannot even imagine how devastated you are.
I will be thinking of and praying for you.
*hugs*

admin said...

Oh sweetie. This was the post I was praying would never happen. I can not even express to you how sorry I am. You have been through so much already. You must just be devistated, upon devistated.

I will be thinking about you and praying for you. I have never done the medication, but have heard it can be painful. I know exactly how you feel about wanting to get it over with - I opted fr a D&C on my second one.

Take some time to rest. Rest your mind from all this insanity. I also hope in the future you might think about seeking a second opinion. I am guessing the last thing on your mind is how to lengthen you experience with the doctors. But I hope when you feel well enough that you can get some answers. The not knowing is just so hard.

big hug and kisses.
Meredith

BB and MTB said...

So sorry for your loss. I hope you find peace and comfort.

Phoebe said...

I'm so sorry. I've been there with the whole loosing faith in God and myself. I'm now at the point that eventually, I'll be able to see the good in it all. At some point, surrender is the only option.

Carrie said...

I'm so very sorry that you are having to face this again. It just isn't fair.

I couldn't do the medical route when surgery is faster and less painful. But I am a coward.

So sorry.

alicia said...

here from L&F. I know saying sorry is not enough, but I truley am. Sending prayers and hugs your way.

G said...

Oh hun, I am so sorry.

Michell said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Heidi said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Please know you will be in my thoughts.

RM said...

I am so sorry. I wish this wasn't happening for you.

Shinejil said...

I am so, so very sorry to hear about your loss.

Martha said...

I am so sorry for your loss during this sad time. (Hug)

Miah said...

I am sorry about your loss. I don't know about the medications. I do know about not wanting to wait and miscarry on my own. I just wanted to start my grieving process not to keep it with me a few weeks waiting. It just breaks my heart to hear this has happened to you again.

(((hugs)))

Rebeccah said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. It is really not fair that you have had to endure this much sadness.

Dreams Come True said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Kristin said...

I am so very sorry. I can remember each and every one of my losses and they SUCK. I wish I could do something to ease the pain I know you are going through. Prayers from another North Carolinian

Cibele said...

I am so sorry. Hugs

sara said...

I am so so sorry. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

scarredbellybutton said...

Fuck, fuck, fuck. I am so sorry you're having to go through this again. I am sure there must be a reason, the drs just haven't found it yet. This really sucks, I'm sorry.

familyoftwo98 said...

I had a methotrexate induced miscarriage in May.

I will answer your question I hope in its entirety without giving TMI.

The shot is based on your weight. So they need an accurate one to determine the doseage. The shot is actually 2 shots. One in each hip. The Metho looks like thick Mountain Dew and feels like a bee sting.

Success rates depend on your HCG levels at the time of administration. Mine were in the mid 100's--I was 5 weeks when we discovered non viability. The nurse said with a number like that, that the shot should take affect and cause the miscarriage in 48 hours.

From Dr. Google they said 48 hours to the outside of 10 days if its going to work. Mine took exactly 10 days.

I had my shot on a Monday-the following Tuesday I started with red bleeding which was light, and then on Wednesday I started with rythmic cramping. I delivered the placenta, and the tiniest of embryo's about 10 hours after it started. After that I had light bleeding for about two weeks.

If you do the Methotrexate you will be required to wait 1 full cycle after your levels reach 0 which mine took 3 weeks.

If you have any other questions please feel free to email me or send a comment on my blog and I wll get back to you.

You will eb in my thoughs.

CTagsGirl said...

My heart aches with you. I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending you hugs and prayers.

Isn't it pretty to think so said...

I am so so sorry for your loss. Sending healing thoughts your way. So sorry...

Meg said...

NOOOOOO......

Oh I am just so sorry. I will post tomorrow morning on the Misoprostol induced miscarriage I did. I have also had a D&C so I can give you some kind of comparison. I am so incredibly sad for you....

Katie said...

I am so, so sorry.

Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I have experienced the hell of RPL, and I know how it feels to lose confidence in yourself. I wish there were magic words that I could say that would make your pain go away, but as you only too well know, there isn't a lot that can be said.

Please take care of yourself and know that this isn't something that you are doing wrong. I know, I know. Easier said than done.

Meg said...

Okay, for more info, go to my archives in November 2007. But.....if you want to get it over with and test the tissue (so sorry) then do the D&C. But if you do not want another surgery on your uterus, then take the meds......

Honestly, taking the meds was not great but there was something about that experience that changed me....in a way sleeping through it just did not do. Hard to think about but I am sort of kind of glad I miscarried at home.

I am so sad for you and really hope you find some reserved strength right now.

this one said...

I am so incredibly sorry.

Do what feels right for you. If you want to wait to make your decision, you can do that too.

This is so unfair.

Meg said...

I hope you are doing alright this week.