About Me

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North Carolina, United States
I'm a 36yr old, wife, wannabe mom, horticulturalist, halfass knitter, and sometimes runner, searching for my grace

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

What if.... (IF sucks)

So when it is close to the holidays, my phone stops ringing at the office, which is supposed to allow me to do my end of the year reports and plan for next year.
Instead what do I do?
I google.
Today I have been googling perinatologists, and MFM doctors, in the vain hope that I could find one who is also a OB/GYN or has one in their practice. I have an appointment with Dr. F next week for my pap, which hopefully will be successful and then I want to be done with her and the other assholes at their practice forever. So I've been looking. The problem is I live far away (60 miles) from most large hospitals that would have the above mentioned doctors. I was thinking it would be good to have a OB/peri that is connected with my RE so they could correspond with each other. The problem is my RE is 80 miles from my home. So most of his people are in that same area. I'm not sure I want to drive that far so often should I ever get past the first trimester. I did find a satellite office 55 miles from my home, but they have only one doctor. That makes me nervous, I mean what if she gets sick or something?
The other thing is WHY am I worrying about this? We are not even TTC right now. I'm on BCP for goodness sake. The other thing is my track record is not good so why the fuck am I obsessing about a doctor I might not need? Taking a break was supposed to let me think about other things, instead this baby quest still takes up a large percentage of my brain. I try to occupy myself with other things,(wine, running, coffee, work, did I mention wine?) But at night my dreams are filled with babies. What if this doesn't work? What if I can't have a baby? What if we can't afford adoption? What if I have to give up this endeavor? I am not a good quitter. I will suffer and endure horrible situations in order to not quit. I am very stubborn that way. But I can't keep losing babies, praying that this will be the one to stick. There has to be a limit to all of this. But how do you set that limit? When is enough, enough? If I do call it quits, will the obsession stop? Will the dreams go away? Will people stop asking me when are you going to have kids? Will my mom and MIL accept that I can't provide grandchildren? Will I become a crazy cat lady and drive my husband mad? Maybe this wasn't a good time to stop taking Zoloft. I think I'm freaking out a bit.


admin said...

Freak outs are un unfortunate and normal part of this whole danm thing. I would argue that your doctor quest is therapeudic - it is preparation because perhaps down deep you are feeling hopeful still. I think that is a good thing.

But I know what you mean - too much time on the hands leads to these things... too much time to think. I hope the hoildays can be a welcome distraction for you:)

JJ said...

Have you decided on another practice? I know I may be a little late, but let me know if you need to bounce any ideas back and forth.