doctors, doctors, doctors

I went to see my PCP Monday for an annual physical. Of course they asked the questions about my RPL, which brought on the tears. I cannot seem to talk about this to people without crying. I have been dealing with this for almost five years and yet I tear up just giving simple medical information. I really like my PCP Dr. K because he is not prescription happy. He is open to alternative care, his sister is an acupuncturist and his wife owns a natural foods store. In addition is genuinely concerned about his patients and spends time with them.

After discussing my losses, the subsequent testing and depression. He did order to have my Vitamin D levels tested and my potassium levels at the cellular level. Surprisingly enough, Vitamin D is one thing I haven't been tested for. As I blubbered through the physical, he suggested that I write out my life purpose, and additionally make a list of the things that are really bothering me in my life and ask the question of each "Do I have control over this?" if the answer is yes then the next question is "What are you going to do about it?". He said to work on the things you can control and give the rest up to God. While I tell myself this daily it was good to hear it from someone else and I've never actually written it down. I am a firm believer in writing things down because then they are real. So this is a project I intend to work on this weekend.

In other doctor related news I found a clinic in SC that does IVIG and intralipid therapy, so at least that's closer to home (3hr drive) than NJ.
Dr. W in SC was great, she works with Dr. Coulam in IL for patients with RPL and immune issues. So I have a phone consult with her on Dec. 24th. This doctor is one of the leads in RPL and immune so I am super stoked about this. Also Dr. W did not think IVF was necessary and is willing to work with me. We will do a stimulated cycle with clomid/menapur and an HCG trigger with timed intercourse along with whatever therapy Dr. Coulam recommends in January. Hopefully this will be the answer to our prayers and if anything bring some sort of closure to this journey.

Advice Needed

I just finished another phone consult with SIRM. My blood test results from the immune study showed a high level of activated Natural Killer Cells. The recommendation for treatment was Interlipid treatment with IVF.

IVF? This has floored me. We never talked about IVF before. I am reeling just from the prospect of this. No offense to my IF sisters who have gone to IVF, but I have RPL, I am a fertile infertile.

His reasoning for IVF was that they could control the timing and transfer the best embryo. He said they don't have data on interlipid treatment with natural cycles or IUI.

There is a lot to consider here. The SIRM clinic is NJ, and I live in NC. My clinic here does IVF but not interlipid therapy. The cost is a factor b/c insurance is not going to cover any ART and won't cover the interlipids b/c there are still considered experimental. Please any assvice will be heard, what do you think?

What I want is what I've not got, when what I need is all around me

I'm feeling blue, like I've lost my mojo at work. I need some inspiration to get fired up again.

It's deer season again, which means early mornings and the smell of gunfire.. yeehaw! This time of year, my neighborhood is filled with pickemup trucks, gun racks and 4-wheelers. My dog goes to live with my parents in the city so he doesn't get accidentally shot, or worse purposely shot. My DH hunts, but he is a conscientious hunter in that he hunts for meat not necessarily horns. Although he does dream of mounting a huge 12point head in my living room someday. I truly hope that day never comes. I had to set a limit of the number of horns allowed in one room. As a former vegetarian and a person who really doesn't like guns, I guess it is ironic that I married this hunter gun fanatic. Somehow we make it work, and I really enjoy not having to buy beef.

So here's to deer season, and a freezer full of venison.

onion breath

I have onion breath, from my lunch blech.....

I have positive anti-nuclear antibodies.... What does that mean? Apparently not a lot so far. Only one of my follow up tests Dr. P ordered from that have returned and it is normal. Dr. Google tells me I might have lupus (SLE), but I have no symptoms but the ANA, so anyways....

I did not get the job I interviewed for in May. I didn't realize how unsure I was about really wanting that job until they announced my co-worker was selected. It was a huge relief and weight off my shoulders. Although I would love the extra moolah, the stress and dealing with certain personnel issues are not what I need right now. So this is a good thing and there will be other opportunities soon.

We had the immune testing done this week and blood shipped off to Chicago. So we should have results sometime in the next two weeks. I hope they tell us something.

I've been running more lately, and I signed up for several races over the next couple months. The plan is to start TTC or something in Jan if we have a plan of action by then. So for now, I'm enjoying my wine and running the calories off each day. I love fall in the Piedmont it's so pretty, I've been meaning to take some pics and post them. I'll try to do that next week. Happy Halloween, and daylight savings time

The Return of AF and other Uterine Adventures

AF finally made her appearance on CD50. The day after we returned from Portland so at least my vacation/work conference was period free, but full of pregnancy worry.

Yesterday I had a saline sonogram. A resident did my scan, and lucky me it was the same kid who did my u/s to confirm my last pregnancy. So when he walked in he's all smiles, I think I've scanned you before. Yup that would be my last miscarriage... oh well have you had a saline sono before? Yes twice, I know what to expect.

The initial scan of my ovaries was painful, The kid was really pushing the dildo cam up there. Then came the catheter, YEEOWCH!, the kid asks are you ok? WTF? no I'm not ok, but do your g.d. job and get out of my hooha ok.

The scan showed a possible polyp or piece of endometrium flapping around. (Seriously that's what the kid said.). Then they took six vials of blood for a more cardiolipin testing, to see if things have changed.

My plan is to see what Dr. P says about the scan and the blood tests and then decide about doing the immune testing. Right now I'm 95% sure I will do the immune testing. The thing is the tests will cost about $1000 up front, insurance coverage is really questionable. My dh and I have not talked about him having a semen analysis yet. I told him about it after my phone consult with SIRM, and he said ok, but we haven't discussed the whole plan yet. But ultimately I think the immune testing will give me some sort direction as to what if anything we do next. Here is the the other thing, I'm kind of nervous to tell Dr. P about talking with SIRM. I'm afraid he'll get mad or something. I know that is stupid, but I like Dr. P and even if I get treated by SIRM I might still need him as an RE. I know this is silly, but I feel like I've been cheating on him somehow. I just want Dr. P to stay on my side even though I may seek treatment or tests for something he doesn't see as valid. Anyway I plan to talk to him about it when we go over the test results.

Uterus

Dear Uterus- Why must you be such a shithead? I try my best to have a healthy relationship with you, but you keep letting me down. This lastest shenanigan of hiding AF from me is very irritating. I am trying to forgive you for your past mistakes with the killing babies and everything, but you are not making it easy. Give me back my period so we can start over.
xoxo
amylynn

Phone Consultation

I just got off the phone with SIRM clinic. First the dr. spent an hour on the phone with me. WOW! Because this was a free consult.

He said, with all my history and test results there is no reason for me to be on Lovenox. We talked about the possibility of genetic factors that we can't see with a general karyotype.

He suggested I have the full autoimmune panel blood work done. He seemed to know my RE, Dr.P as he kept referring to him by his first name, and was understanding of the fact that Dr. P doesn't believe in immune problems and RPL. He explained about intralipid treatments and the success he has seen at SIRM and what it might involve if my tests are positive.

He also suggested my dh get a sperm analysis.

Some things that impressed me, are that he did not push IVF with PGD which is what several other doctors have said. He didn't mention it all. He did mention IUI, but simply for a timing issue. He didn't talk about me having to come all the way to NJ for treatment if it's needed.

I asked him if I should be alarmed about no AF at cd39 (BFN this morning test #8). He said not really, but there could be some scarring that could be slowing AF down. He did think I should have Dr. P do the SHG like he wants too, and possibly follow me through one normal cycle with u/s at cd3 and cd 14. I've never had that done before.

So all in all I am very pleased with this consult and it at least gives me some things to think about.

labels and plans

I already know I have the label habitual aborter on my chart, and probably difficult patient too. But these labels will not define me. I thought long and hard last night about what will I do.

I still have not gotten my period and HPT #5 was negative, now on cd 35. After my 3rd miscarriage it took 36 days for AF. My longest cycle was 40days (possible chemical pg). I ran hard yesterday hoping to kickstart AF, but no.

So if I am pg, I will start Lovenox as soon as I get a positive HPT, along with prometrium. I have a month's supply of both, b/c I just refilled my Rx right before the miscarriage. We are going on a trip to Portland for a week Sept.20th, so my feeling is to wait until we get back to call the doctor. I think I will call the MFM, but maybe my RE too. We also have a camping trip planned for Oct 11-14th. My thoughts are not to have u/s until we get back from that. That would put me at 10wks post d&c. God knows how many dpo, since I thought I o'd on cd 11 and obviously that can't be right b/c I would have had BFP or AF by now.

So right now, live my life try not to worry, because what can I do anyway. Hopefully I will know one way or the other in a few days. I hope I know something by Tuesday when I have my phone consult with SIRM.

guilt

What am I going to do if I am pregnant? I know we should have waited longer, and I shouldn't have trusted the Fertility Monitor. Damnit, we have been down this road before. I should have known better. Now I will have even more sad faces on my chart. I spoke with my MFM Dr. D. this morning briefly. She said she would contact other doctors across the country about my case to see if there might be other treatments. She said she had found nothing new, and then I told her I hadn't started my period yet, but several pg tests were negative.

Her voice just dropped and she said oh....I could feel the dirty look across the phone.

worries

I am worried I am pregnant again. I have taken 4 tests all negative, but it's cd32 and still no period. Shit...

My RE Dr. P wants to look at uterus again. Because maybe it's changed since the last time he looked at it? Another SHG for me yippee!! He said no to the immune testing.

I have a phone consultation with SIRM next week.

I am carrying around this grief in my heart, that makes me lay awake at night wondering if my heart will stop beating. Nothing takes the ache away. I know I am depressed and should seek therapy again. The thing is I don't want to talk about it. It hurts too much to speak, and it is easier to push it away. Although I know this is not healthy it's the best I can do for now.

useful information?

I reluctantly called my RE's office this week, because after my D&C I was told to give them a call in 2 weeks if I hadn't heard anything. They did a CVS and tested the fetal tissue, and karyotyped. The CVS was done b/c my RE was adamant we have it done, even though two MFM's said it's going to be normal. But Dr. P my RE really really really wanted it done so it was.

Well guess what? It was a genetically normal girl. What the fuck does this tell us? Nothing that's what. I'm normal disgustingly normal. Dear God how I wish something was wrong at least then we could put a label on it. Create a plan on how to treat it, instead we get unexplained RPL.

I feel so defeated, so sad, so tired, my chest feels tight and breathing is a battle.

I am waiting to hear back from Dr. P and then I guess we will discuss our options. From all my previous test results I can't tell that I have been tested for immunologic problems specifically NK cells. Not sure what difference this makes in the end.

My doctors are good and caring people, I thought Dr.P might cry at my d&c and my MFM Dr. D. was simply beautiful throughout this mess. I am lucky to have caring medical professionals.

I looked at surrogacy websites yesterday to get a feel for the potential cost, which looks to be close to or even more than adoption. Truly I just don't know how I feel about any of it. Even though, I know I don't have to make decisions right now, there is also this underlying sense of urgency. We're not getting any younger, DH's parents are in their 70's now. These are silly things but still weigh heavily on my mind. What does it mean if we just stop?

crossroads

It's been two weeks since my baby died. The first week was spent frantically trying to schedule a d&c, with anesthesia and a doctor I knew. The second week spent travelling to Indiana for my cousin's wedding and distracting myself with books on CD and long visits with a dear friend. Yesterday it all came crashing in again.

I truly don't know where we will go from here. For the first time I can picture my life without children, but with that I can also picture myself trying again.

Hope can be one strong bitch when she wants to be.

My fertility monitor told me I am ovulating today. Interesting because I am still bleeding from the d&c. Our bodies are weird contraptions.

So what I want to do right now is crawl back into bed and not face the world, but I can't do that forever. Right now I am just going through the motions.

#7

The ultrasound on Monday showed no heartbeat. My baby died sometime on Friday or Saturday. I will have a d&c on Friday. Fucking deja vu all over again. Fool me once shame on you, fool me 7 times, for fuck's sake what's wrong with me? How many times can a person be kicked down before they decide they don't want to get up anymore? I can't do this anymore. I'm not sure where we will go from here, but I will be out of Internet land for awhile. I'm in the public library and the pregnant librarian is discussing how she will decorate her nursery. I need to get out of here.

Scan 3

I think I might actually have a real live baby. Today I measured 8 weeks 4 days, and it actually looked like something other than a blob. It had a head and arm buds and leg buds, and it actually wiggled around. It was amazing. The first u/s where I didn't cry. The heart rate was 188bpm.

I'm starting to believe this might actually happen...

second scan

Today was my second u/s. We still have a heartbeat. The rate is 160bpm. I measured 7weeks 3 days today. I found this a little disconcerting because I measured 6 weeks 4 days one week ago today. But Dr. D said that was nothing to worry about. My anxiety level is still very high. All of my previous miscarriages have occurred between 68 and 73 days LMP. Today is day 59. Dr. D my MFM is fabulous, so caring and gentle with me her freaked out patient. Two more weeks until I pass the hurdle. My MFM agreed to be my only doctor until we pass that point, then I will need to get an OB too. Maybe by then I will be able to get through an ultrasound without bursting into tears.

First Scan

My scan went well yesterday. I am measuring 6wks 4 days and the heart beat 117bpm. I am terrified.

My RE decided they were just going to release me yesterday, which left me with no plan for the next ultrasound. This is a spontaneous pregnancy to them and I think that makes me less important as far as they are concerned. My RE doctor was not there yesterday either and I had some new guy who didn't know shit about me or my history. He was trying to talk to me about what I should eat and stuff during early pregnancy. I said to him this is my 7th pregnancy I know the deal.

I explained that I needed (yes I need them) weekly ultrasounds for the next 4 weeks, b/c of my history. They didn't seem to care and said talk to your OB about it.

The thing is I don't have an OB yet. I fired my last one, and I haven't got a new one yet. I don't want to either until I make it past the scary part. I do have an MFM and thank GOD for her. I left a hysterical message with her yesterday and she called me back around 6:30 last night. She said she couldn't tell if I was really happy or really scared. I told her I am scared to death. I need a plan, and the RE made me leave without a plan. She said not to worry she would monitor me weekly, and scheduled ultrasounds for the next two weeks. I am so blessed to have her, and she hopefully doesn't think me too crazy. I don't care if she does as long as I can have the weekly scans. Only six more days until the next one.

This part is pure hell or maybe it's more like purgatory because there is that shred of hope that it will be ok. I am trying desperately to focus on work and getting through each day.

Face Down on the bathroom floor

Lucky for me my work is pretty flexible with my scheduling, because adapting to lovenox has been a little challenging. The first shot was great, a little stinging but no bruising. The next two just as good. In fact I was getting a little cocky, thinking I won't bruise at all.

Friday morning I wake up and prepare to give myself the shot. I sit on the toilet while I do it. I got the needle in and then my ears started to ring, I remember pushing the plunger and that's it. Next thing I know I am face down on the bathroom floor. My husband heard a loud bang and it woke him up. When I came to, I yelled for him. He came and asked what happened. The needle is laying on the floor, I'm on the floor my head is killing me, and my knees are banged up, and I have a bruise on my stomach. Luckily no major injuries and I didn't break the needle or anything. I scared myself and my husband to death. I guess my blood sugar was too low, as was my blood pressure.

So today I ate a granola bar first and numbed the spot with ice, then I sat on the floor with my back against the wall. The smell of alcohol makes me dizzy but I did the shot without fainting and that's a start.

I'm bruising every time now, I guess because the blood thinner is doing it's job.

Beta # 2

After calling my RE office 4 times, I found out the hospital didn't fax my results over, So one quick call to the lab and the results are in

Beta #2: 631 at 18 dpo

Today I go to my MFM to learn how to give myself the lovenox injections. I have an appointment for my first ultrasound July 13.

It has almost been a full year since my last miscarriage. I thought I would be better prepared this go around, not so much.. I have sudden surges of anxiety where I feel like I might burst into tears and then it passes. I hate this waiting to find out if it's viable or not. I cannot bear to see another empty sac, and then if there is a heartbeat, there is a whole other set of fears. Sometimes I wish I could be knocked out and hooked up to an IV for the next 3 weeks. I'm a little scared of the lovenox injections. Just the needles and bruising. I tried to watch a video on how to do it and I almost threw up.

beta #1

I had my blood test yesterday and this morning I called to find out the results. First the nurse told me it was negative. I said, really because I took another home test this morning and it was positive. In fact it was more positive than the test I took yesterday. I said I know I sound crazy but I have taken like six tests and they were all positive. The nurse said you're not crazy everybody takes lots of tests. Let me have the dr. look at this and I will call you back. Just as I hung up she called again and said sorry for the scare it is positive. Sheesh....

Beta #1: 111.4

Beta #2 will be taken on Monday morning. Thank goodness my pack on internet tests that I ordered last week arrived today, so I can POAS with reckless abandon all weekend long... just kidding sortof.

need advice

Apparently it was just spotting, because no more blood since yesterday afternoon. I tested again this morning and it was positive darker than yesterday but still not a bright pink line. The tests I used up yesterday were Internet tests and this morning I used a FREP test. Does that make a difference? I broke down and called the RE office this morning and left a message. Should I request the blood test, or just wait and few more days and test again? If this is a chemical pregnancy how long till I get a negative test? Should I keep taking the progesterone just in case and if I do will that just prolong AF? For the first time in a long time I felt that old anxiety on the way to work. I didn't run this morning, and I think my body has been using running as a surrogate antidepressant without me realizing it.

Trying hard not to get worked up about this, what will be will be...

addendum: first positive on 12dpo, second 13 dpo, today is 14dpo with positive FREP

??

So yesterday I peed on a stick and there was a very very faint positive. So I decided I would wait and POAS again this morning to see if it got any darker. It was a little darker but still faint. I argued with myself about whether to call the RE and ask for a blood test. I decided I would wait one more day, but it doesn't matter because it appears I am bleeding now anyway. Shit. I guess I will wait and see if it's just spotting. Hard to say right now. I used my last pee stick this morning too. poo..
ps my boobs are sweating..... nice...

troubled ovulation

It's cd 19 and my clear blue fertility monitor is telling me I'm on my 5th day of high fertility. This cycle was unmedicated and I can see my body is bound and determined not to ovulate until late in my cycle. Why is that? After all of this you would think I would understand my body better, but instead it remains a mystery.

Take 2

I had an appointment with my RE today. Not worth my 160mile round trip, but at least I have a plan or sorts. I don't know what was more disappointing the outrageous number the scale gave me, or the "just keep trying" speech. So here's the plan. Try three more months with Femara, if no luck get DH's sperm tested and an SHG for me, then move on to injectibles. We could do the diagnostic testing now if we wanted. Dr.P didn't feel it was really warranted but if I wanted to do it he was game. I'm ovulating regularly so he thought it could be a sperm issue not neccessarily my shithead ute. I am going to give it a little more time before I ask DH to jizz in a cup. But it may come to that. So in the mean time lot's more sex, and I really need to lose 10 pounds. I have been running a lot more lately and I hope it starts taking some weight off soon. This IF spare tire has got to go.

mothers day

I went to the big city this weekend to visit two dear friends from graduate school. One is expecting her first child in a few weeks, and the other has a 5yr old. It was lovely to see them and we took our expectant friend out for late lunch on Mother's day. She is all aglow and trying hard to be thoughtful towards my own situation. I love her for thinking of me, but hate myself that I have become that woman that people are afraid to talk about their children with. Other friends from high school leave me out of certain e-mail chatter so as not to hurt my feelings. I hate that I have these feelings of inadequacies, jealousy and just plain sad. But I do, and these feelings have become a part of me.

Later in the evening I was sitting on the couch with my 5yr old friend A. and she asked "Are you a mom?" and I said no.. and she said "Why not" and I said because my babies died. She asked "How come your babies died?" and I answered with a lump in my throat "I don't know." And just like that little A. said Ohh... do you want to watch Toy Story with me?. just precious.

My fertility monitor told me I was at peak fertility Saturday and Sunday, and we took care of business twice on Saturday. Now begins the two week wait. My RE never called me back about upping my Femara dose but I guess I ovulated, and ovulated earlier than I normally do. So we shall see. I started the Prometrium today.

just waiting now.

ramping up

So each cycle on Femara my cycle is getting longer, back to my normal 31 days. Does this mean the Femara is not doing the job it should, making me ovulate sooner in my cycle? I put a call in to my RE to ask this question. I wonder if we need to up my dosage. My fertility monitor comes today, so maybe this will help me with the mystery of when do I actually ovulate. We're taking it to the next level this cycle.

BFN

cd 28 11dpo, BFN. I just dropped over a $100 on a clear blue fertility monitor. It should arrive Monday. I'm wondering what the deal is. Maybe we have other issues now. AF will most likely make her appearance today or tomorrow. I stopped the prometrium on Tuesday. My RE says one more cycle with the Femara if no BFP then we look at other options. I am applying for my retired boss's job, and it's been very stressful at work. So I guess I should be more patient.

cd25

Welcome back to the POAS challenge.... Today's results BFN

Can she hold out until Thursday to do it again? Only time will tell.

Lather Rinse Repeat

So here we are again, ovulation week, hot sex all week long right.... RPL certainly fucks with your sex life. Because sex=baby=death and destruction by the shithead ute. You try to push those sad memories away and remember a time when sex was sex or even making love.

I'm carrying a OPK stick in my purse, b/c I have to work late and the directions say to test at the same time each day. I'm not sure why I continue to waste money on these bitches, but I do.

Dr. P my RE said repeat last cycle with Femara days 3-7 and Prometrium 3dpo. So off we go. Today is cd 11.

Lately I have thought more and more about what life would be like if we don't have kids. Like I could train for the marathon at the Outer Banks, and we could spend money on traveling and landscaping. I spend a lot of time thinking about the future instead of living the life in front of me. I meant to stop doing that. I think what I want to do is plan with reckless abandon, instead of thinking well I might pregnant so that wouldn't work.

I decided not to visit my brother and his new baby this weekend. I'm not emotionally ready and I should be ovulating. My brother seemed to understand, but I haven't told my mom yet.

not supposed to happen

A dear friend of mine recently miscarried. My heart aches for her, although there is nothing I can do. My friends are not supposed to have miscarriages, because I have taken the statistical bullet for all of them. It's bad enough that I have to suffer this, but it kills me to see their suffering. Shit the unfairness of life is so fucking crappy sometimes.

AF came late Friday afternoon, of course after my RE's office closes for the day. I am waiting to hear back from them this morning to find out if I am to follow the same protocol this cycle.

not funny

My brother sent a text picture of his 1 month old baby last night. They had her propped on the couch with a remote on her belly and a beer between her legs. I love my brother and his wife, and I love this baby, but damn dude. My brother is not the most responsible person in the world but I know he will do everything he can for this child. It's just hard to deal with sometimes. They got pg right away with no problems, told everyone after the first BFP. Not to mention I was pg too at that time only to lose it again. So it's a tender place for me. My husband has a harder time with it and the picture pushed him over the edge. He feels my brother is inconsiderate and disrespectful of our situation. I don't think it's that, it's that my brother just doesn't get it. He has no idea the pain we have suffered. I'm supposed to go visit them Easter weekend and meet the baby. These feelings just make me more anxious about it.

stupid peesticks

Five peesticks later all BFN. But no AF either. My ute started cramping and grumbling on Tuesday but nothing came out of it. I stopped taking the Prometrium to see if that would encourage AF to make her presence. I have one peestick left, if no AF by Sunday I will use it. Boobs are slightly tender, but that could be a result of all the progesterone swimming in my blood. Will the prometrium delay my period if I'm not pregnant? And it's raining again.

WTF?

Ok so my progesterone was 30.1 which is good, but so far I have POAS 4x and all of them BFN. It's cd25, 12dpo. So I don't know. Maybe it's too soon to tell. I have 2 more HPT left, so my plan is to wait and test again Thursday morning which will be cd28 15dpo. I hate this, either start my period or get two pink lines damnit.

2ww

I'm in the middle of the two week wait. I had my 21day blood draw today for Progesterone. My RE had me start prometrium on 3dpo. I think I o'd on cd13, so I can test on Sunday cd24, 11dpo right.....

psssst....I'm ovluating

26 days?

I started my period on cd26. If my calculations are correct that means my luteal phase was only 10 days long. So I am on cd5 of this cycle and day 3 of Femara.
Hello sweaty, angry, constipated woman.

Here is my question Internet readers if my luteal phase was only 10 days last time, should I supplement with prometrium this cycle upon ovulation? I have leftover prometrium from pg#6. It's not expired but I wonder if it's still good. My docs have always prescribed prometrium after a BFP confirmed blood test with a progesterone test. My progesterone level usually rides around 18-19 and my RE likes it to be 20 or higher with a pregnancy. My blood test last week was 16. Does Femara make you have a higher progesterone level? I guess I need to research some more on Dr. google.

I know the jury is out in the medical world as to whether supplemental progesterone is helpful. However it's one more thing I have a little control over.. and you know how much I love control. In fact that was one of my first tape's Janet Jackson 'Control'.

My lovely nurse Mia said I could come in for an u/s around ovulation since the OPK's are liars and whores. That way we could see if I produced any good follicles. Then she said you're having "home intercourse" right? For some reason this makes me laugh. I know she meant you're not doing IUI. but all I could think was as opposed to car intercourse or office intercourse. Tee Hee. My dh did not see the humor but maybe he doesn't get IF humor.

Scraps

I've been nominated for Honest Scraps, and I think this means I am supposed to list seven or 10 honest scraps about myself

1. In high school and early college I told people I never wanted to have children. I thought they would tangle up my life, and babies are messy and loud. I was loudly pro choice and thought if I ever married I would definitely keep my last name. Fast forward 15 years and I took my husbands name and really want children even if they are loud and messy. I am quietly pro choice.

2. I never knew my maternal grandmother, she died when I was 2. She is a mystery to me and I wish I knew more.

3. I wanted to be a vet until I got a D in Chemistry my freshman year of college. That grade ruined all chances of vet school. I turned to horticulture on a whim and found solace in the greenhouse.

4. My boyfriend in college was/is a drug addict. I kept thinking he would grow out of it and wasted a couple of years being with him instead of having fun. Leaving him was very hard. I had to leave Colorado and start my life over. It was one of the very best decisions I have made.

5. My husband has no idea I have a blog

6. I have no idea what my natural hair color is, I've been dyeing it regularly since 1998, when a friend pointed out my first grays.

7. My black cat Elvis brings me such joy. Even on my worst days his little face will bring me a smile, and then he will head butt me.

8. I worry that I don't edit myself enough around people and maybe say things I shouldn't.

9. I'm afraid of sharks. I won't go out in the ocean past my waist, even though I know the sharks come in that close, but somehow I'm safer that way. Jaws really fucked me up.

10. I have a tattoo of a sunflower on my hip

Still Waiting.....

Ok I have a secret..... I love the Dixie Chicks.... I know I'm a cornball, but I do. I have been listening to the song, "Not ready to make nice". Part of the chorus is "Forgive..sounds good, forget I'm not sure I could. They say time heals everything, but I'm still waiting"

I'm still waiting to feel like a whole person again

I'm still waiting to freaking ovulate...is anyone else perplexed by opk's?

I'm still waiting for my asparagus crowns to arrive

I'm still waiting for my niece to be born

I'm still waiting for grace and peace in my heart

I'm still waiting for more patience

I'm still waiting to stop crying

Tomorrow is my due date, I plan to take the day off. Taking a personal day to reflect and cry, putter around the house and take a long run, fix a nice dinner and hang out with my pets and dh.

Things I saw on the way to work

1. My neighbors big orange cat, who I love and want to steal, but he really wants nothing to do with me

2. Baby goats at the farm just past the Elementary school. They must have kidded (is that the right term?) in the last week. So tiny and cute even though they are smelly

3. A pick up truck stacked up with rusted out push lawnmowers. WTF? Maybe he was going to the scrap metal place

4. Cows in the woods next to the pasture

5. A stationary bike next to the plowed up garden in the pasture. I'm not sure of it's purpose if I ever see the farmer there I will stop and ask.

6. Daffodils coming up in the gardens around my office.

It's February 11th and the weather is like April which is messing everything up plantwise. Today's high is 71 a week ago today it snowed and the schools were closed. But Global warming is not real....whatever

Let it Begin...

Today is my first day of Fem.ara. My period is kicking my ass with cramps and fucking large clots. Seriously what the hell? So my lovely nurse Mia called yesterday to give me the protocol. Take Fem.ara 5mg, days 3-8. DO NOT GET PREGNANT, get blood drawn on day 21 to see if I o'd. If I did ovulate then next cycle start trying. Sometimes I wonder if Mia reads my chart b/c I always ovulate. Duh, I'm freaking fertile myrtle with a shithead uterus. The Fem.ara is to see if I can ovulate sooner. Why do you need to ovulate sooner AmyLynn? I don't know. It really doesn't seem to effect my ability to conceive. But maybe ovulating sooner will help me make a better lining.

I had a big fight with my DH last night about all this shit. He was raving about having is chromosomes tested b/c the hospital bill was $1200 for the test. Now that is before the insurance. When my chromosomes were tested two years ago I didn't have to pay anything. So most likely we will have to may the remaining part of his deductible and that's it. He was all I knew there was nothing wrong with me, it was stupid to have that test done. I said we had to rule out any translocations. He said you wouldn't have kept getting pg if there was something wrong with me. Damnit yes I could have. FYI his chromosomes are normal.

I have had countless tests done, he has had one. For the love of Pete get over yourself. Again I admit this must be all my fault. It is my fucked up uterus that is causing the problems. So I ask him do you want to have kids or not? B/C I am not going through this alone. He says yes but asks again why are the doctors saying I need to take these drugs. We have had this conversation at least 3 times. I don't think he listens to me ever. I tell him again. They are treating me empirically they do not know if this will work. I have no known clotting disorders. There are no statistics to tell us anything for someone like me. I am a minority within a minority. There is little research on RPL, let alone unexplained RPL. Statistically eventually I will carry a baby to term, they just don't know how many losses I will suffer first. So if there is a remote possibility that this will help me carry to term I will do it. B/C I cannot take anymore loss. WE cannot take anymore loss.

So this is it, let it begin...

ICLW and other stuff

So I sucked bad at ICLW b/c I went to a conference in TN and didn't ever get near a computer or the Internet. I promise to do better next time. Thank you for all the wonderful comments. I does make a girl feel better.

My mom told me last night that my SIL's baby will most likely be born in the next week or so. She is not due until Feb. 25 but it appears baby J has turned upside down and her head is at the cervix. My SIL is not dilated but they expect her to start soon. This took my breath away. I thought I was dealing with the imminent birth of my niece well, but this news brought me to tears. I should be having a baby too. The jealousy and anger about how unfair all of this shit is just rushed right back at me. I thought I had moved past that, but it's still there.

On the way back from TN yesterday we ate a small cafe in a NC mountain town and there was a 10mos baby there crawling all around and almost walking. She was adorable and again pulling my heartstrings b/c if my 4th baby had lived she would be 9mos old.

So I am feeling sad and not hopeful. The conference I attended was inspiring and motivating to do more about local food movements and work harder at cultivating my job to address these problems and new ideas. I was feeling that way until yesterday and now it's blah again. The keynote speaker at this conference spoke about "following your purpose in life". This spoke to me because I need to figure out what will be my personal legacy professionally and personally.

So the thought comes to my mind is what if being a mother is not my purpose? That breaks my heart, but what if it is true? What if that is what God has been trying to tell me through all of this loss? The thing is I don't believe that. I won't believe that, but that thought won't go away.

MFM

Today I had my preconception consultation with my new MFM. It went well she is very positive and reassuring. She differs from my RE in that she wants me start Lovenox as soon as I get a BFP. My RE said start Lovenox when we see a gestational sac. She also wants me to start baby aspirin right away. I had to go through my torrid past and hand over my gigantic file to the nurse. I only cried a little and she teared up too. So now here I am standing on the edge of the high dive again about to jump in. All those butterflies in my stomach and fears about what will happen are sitting in my throat. I know we are prepared. I have my towel, my goggles, nose plug and ear plugs and water wings. I'm still scared. Because this is it. I cannot keep losing babies. If this one doesn't work out I'm done. That's scary too. So the plan is take BCP for this cycle, next cycle take Femara, but use protection so I don't get knocked up and see if I can ovulate earlier than CD19. Then in March it's game on. So today I climbed the ladder and looked down at the water, but I think I need to run around the pool a few times to get my courage up.

2009

I had black bean soup for lunch with onions in it, and now my mouth tastes really bad. I guess I should brush my teeth again.

Here's my list of things I want to do in 2009

plant an asparagus bed
plant a cool season garden
plant a warm season garden
put $25/month in my savings account
go to the beach with DH

say no at work more
express my feelings better with my husband
run more
write more
listen better
laugh more
cry less
feel more
bitch less
love