About Me

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North Carolina, United States
I'm a 36yr old, wife, wannabe mom, horticulturalist, halfass knitter, and sometimes runner, searching for my grace

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

mothers day

I went to the big city this weekend to visit two dear friends from graduate school. One is expecting her first child in a few weeks, and the other has a 5yr old. It was lovely to see them and we took our expectant friend out for late lunch on Mother's day. She is all aglow and trying hard to be thoughtful towards my own situation. I love her for thinking of me, but hate myself that I have become that woman that people are afraid to talk about their children with. Other friends from high school leave me out of certain e-mail chatter so as not to hurt my feelings. I hate that I have these feelings of inadequacies, jealousy and just plain sad. But I do, and these feelings have become a part of me.

Later in the evening I was sitting on the couch with my 5yr old friend A. and she asked "Are you a mom?" and I said no.. and she said "Why not" and I said because my babies died. She asked "How come your babies died?" and I answered with a lump in my throat "I don't know." And just like that little A. said Ohh... do you want to watch Toy Story with me?. just precious.

My fertility monitor told me I was at peak fertility Saturday and Sunday, and we took care of business twice on Saturday. Now begins the two week wait. My RE never called me back about upping my Femara dose but I guess I ovulated, and ovulated earlier than I normally do. So we shall see. I started the Prometrium today.

just waiting now.


Grad3 said...

When you are in the middle of IF/RPL it's hard to remember why you keep putting your self through heartbreak. It's sounds like you got a little reminder ;)

I hope this is the shortest 2ww ever!! ~Hugs and prayers~

JJ said...

The sweet innocence of children...

Hoping its a short 2ww...with a happy ending-like Toy Story=)

Stacey said...

It is so tough being "that friend" to our mommy friends. But how refreshing to be around a child who gets that our situation can be acknowledged, but we're still just normal people who may or may not want to watch a Pixar film. :)

Still hoping for you.