I went to the big city this weekend to visit two dear friends from graduate school. One is expecting her first child in a few weeks, and the other has a 5yr old. It was lovely to see them and we took our expectant friend out for late lunch on Mother's day. She is all aglow and trying hard to be thoughtful towards my own situation. I love her for thinking of me, but hate myself that I have become that woman that people are afraid to talk about their children with. Other friends from high school leave me out of certain e-mail chatter so as not to hurt my feelings. I hate that I have these feelings of inadequacies, jealousy and just plain sad. But I do, and these feelings have become a part of me.
Later in the evening I was sitting on the couch with my 5yr old friend A. and she asked "Are you a mom?" and I said no.. and she said "Why not" and I said because my babies died. She asked "How come your babies died?" and I answered with a lump in my throat "I don't know." And just like that little A. said Ohh... do you want to watch Toy Story with me?. just precious.
My fertility monitor told me I was at peak fertility Saturday and Sunday, and we took care of business twice on Saturday. Now begins the two week wait. My RE never called me back about upping my Femara dose but I guess I ovulated, and ovulated earlier than I normally do. So we shall see. I started the Prometrium today.
just waiting now.