So I sucked bad at ICLW b/c I went to a conference in TN and didn't ever get near a computer or the Internet. I promise to do better next time. Thank you for all the wonderful comments. I does make a girl feel better.
My mom told me last night that my SIL's baby will most likely be born in the next week or so. She is not due until Feb. 25 but it appears baby J has turned upside down and her head is at the cervix. My SIL is not dilated but they expect her to start soon. This took my breath away. I thought I was dealing with the imminent birth of my niece well, but this news brought me to tears. I should be having a baby too. The jealousy and anger about how unfair all of this shit is just rushed right back at me. I thought I had moved past that, but it's still there.
On the way back from TN yesterday we ate a small cafe in a NC mountain town and there was a 10mos baby there crawling all around and almost walking. She was adorable and again pulling my heartstrings b/c if my 4th baby had lived she would be 9mos old.
So I am feeling sad and not hopeful. The conference I attended was inspiring and motivating to do more about local food movements and work harder at cultivating my job to address these problems and new ideas. I was feeling that way until yesterday and now it's blah again. The keynote speaker at this conference spoke about "following your purpose in life". This spoke to me because I need to figure out what will be my personal legacy professionally and personally.
So the thought comes to my mind is what if being a mother is not my purpose? That breaks my heart, but what if it is true? What if that is what God has been trying to tell me through all of this loss? The thing is I don't believe that. I won't believe that, but that thought won't go away.