About Me

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North Carolina, United States
I'm a 36yr old, wife, wannabe mom, horticulturalist, halfass knitter, and sometimes runner, searching for my grace

Monday, January 26, 2009

ICLW and other stuff

So I sucked bad at ICLW b/c I went to a conference in TN and didn't ever get near a computer or the Internet. I promise to do better next time. Thank you for all the wonderful comments. I does make a girl feel better.

My mom told me last night that my SIL's baby will most likely be born in the next week or so. She is not due until Feb. 25 but it appears baby J has turned upside down and her head is at the cervix. My SIL is not dilated but they expect her to start soon. This took my breath away. I thought I was dealing with the imminent birth of my niece well, but this news brought me to tears. I should be having a baby too. The jealousy and anger about how unfair all of this shit is just rushed right back at me. I thought I had moved past that, but it's still there.

On the way back from TN yesterday we ate a small cafe in a NC mountain town and there was a 10mos baby there crawling all around and almost walking. She was adorable and again pulling my heartstrings b/c if my 4th baby had lived she would be 9mos old.

So I am feeling sad and not hopeful. The conference I attended was inspiring and motivating to do more about local food movements and work harder at cultivating my job to address these problems and new ideas. I was feeling that way until yesterday and now it's blah again. The keynote speaker at this conference spoke about "following your purpose in life". This spoke to me because I need to figure out what will be my personal legacy professionally and personally.

So the thought comes to my mind is what if being a mother is not my purpose? That breaks my heart, but what if it is true? What if that is what God has been trying to tell me through all of this loss? The thing is I don't believe that. I won't believe that, but that thought won't go away.


Stacie said...

Those what if questions can make a person go crazy. Still, it is so hard to get away from them. Sending hugs your way.

Here from ICLW

Grad3 said...

You know I asked myself those questions all the time before having Lil' P.

In your instincts, in your heart of hearts, you know the answer. And that is what you have to listen too.

I am sorry that you are facing the birth of your niece so soon and that it's causing you sadness. I have been there and it just sucks. Big time.

~Big Hugs~

Panamahat said...

So sorry things are tough for you right now. I haven't really got any words of wisdom, just that I know it's hard and I'm thinking of you.

eyeheartinternet said...

I haven't got words either... jjust, I think I get it... (hugs)

Stacey said...

I'm not into trying to offer people advice about how to handle things - just wanted you to know that I feel what you're feeling too. After 6 losses it makes me question whether I'm supposed to be a mom. But I desire it so much. It's what I've always wanted to do. I'm trying to find a purpose for my life right now, while I wait, but I'm holding out hope that motherhood will still be in my future. Oh, but I know it's so hard to wait and wonder!

Hugs to you.

the misfit said...

I know what you mean. I've started wondering that myself - do I want a child SO desperately because I am in the habit of wanting one so desperately? Would I be OK if God's plan for my life didn't include that? What I keep getting tripped up on is that whatever else I'm supposed to be doing with my life needs to be big enough to fill that hole, the defining part of my next forty years or so - and I can't imagine anything that big. Do they make purposes that big?

All I can think of to do is to try to live my life NOW - not in suspended animation because my real life hasn't started yet (i.e., no baby), and not in despair and hysterics that I don't have a child, but to live each day well for its own sake. I've made no progress at this so far, but it's a notion.

I hope you're able to discern where your life is headed and embrace it with strength and grace and courage and joy and zeal, and I pray that that's motherhood!