she's here

Faith Elizabeth was born via c-section Monday Dec. 5 at 5:28 pm. 8lbs 2 oz 20.5inches. She is so amazing. I will write the birth story soon. I was induced Sunday night and started really laboring on Monday. Labored for 9 hours before they decided to do a c-section. We have had some troubles breast feeding and Faith lost a whole lb in the hospital so we had to stay an extra day. Recovery is tough. I think we are turning the corner on feeding. We are in love.

39

Here we are at 39w3d. We go in for another u/s tomorrow. I am curious to see how big Faith will be. Dr. T says we will go ahead and schedule an induction for next week. Hopefully the threat of induction will make Faith decide it's time to come out. So far we have made little progress on the labor front. I am still waddling around with my swollen carpal tunnel hands and crocs are the only shoes that I can wear. You don't know how this breaks my shoe loving heart. But this too shall pass, because next week no matter what I will be a mom. Yikes! scared shitless.

TERM

Despite all odds I have actually carried a full term baby. WOW. Thank you to everyone who has been praying and sending us positive energy. I truly believe that is why we are here. Our appointment this week was uneventful. Faith has no interest in being born anytime soon. Cervix is dilated a fingertip but Faith has not really dropped. Dr. T is amazed and says I'm just a boring regular pregnant lady now. It's been strange being back at work. I fatigue so easily and I'm definitely feeling this 35lbs I'm carrying around. Faith measured 6.5lb at 35w4d so she could be a 9lb + baby. So here we are 37 weeks gestation, just 3 more weeks until her due date. I'm still having trouble wrapping my head around actually having a real live baby here in MY house that WE made. Patiently waiting...

Last Week

Yesterday began my last official week of bed rest. Thank the Lord! We are now 35weeks and 1 day pregnant. No one ever thought we'd make it this far. I've been promoted to moderate bed rest last week and so I have been doing light housekeeping and I go up and down stairs once a day. Next week I will go back to work. What? Yes next week I'm going back to work. I haven't driven a car in 15 weeks or stood up/ sat up for longer than 2 hours in 15 weeks and now I am going to work an 8 hour day and drive 30 minutes to and from work. I am crazy but that's how I roll. This week I am planning a massive grocery store trip after my doctor appointment Wed. and then trying to cook and freeze some meals for while I'm working and after Faith arrives. We have been living off food prepared by our church and meals my DH cooks. Bless his heart he has done a fabulous job, and I want to help out while I can. I have a feeling work will be hard on me and I won't want to cook when I get home.

We have our last u/s on Wed. A growth scan to see how ginormous Faith will be. I have read that these late u/s can be off as much as 2lbs either way. My hospital bag is packed. The car seat is in the car, we have diapers, wipes, blankets and clothes. I don't have breast pump or bottles yet, but I'm not worried about that. I'm still scared something will go horribly wrong but I'm trying hard to be prepared for things to go right.

October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remeberence Day

I am the face of first trimester pregnancy loss. Six years ago on October 17th I suffered my first miscarriage at 10weeks. I was naive and innocent to believe all pregnancies ended in a take home baby. I was at an overnight work conference in the mountains when I started bleeding. I didn't know what to do. I was 3 hours away from my doctor. I went back into the conference and the look on my face told my colleague something was wrong. I had confided in her about our pregnancy but no one else. She quickly helped me gather our stuff and drove the 3 hours back to my town.

Along the way I called my OB and they really poo pooed my concerns, because I wasn't bleeding through a pad an hour. I begged them to see me and eventually they said if I could get there by 4:30 they would see me. I hauled ass across NC to get there. I really don't know how I held it together but somehow I did. When I got to the dr. she did a physical exam and then sent me over to the hospital for an u/s. I chose this OB b/c she had been my Gyno and had recently opened her own practice. No u/s machines and she was the only doctor. All red flags now, but I didn't know. At the hospital is where the anxiety really kicked in. They brought me up to the sonography waiting room before my husband could get there. I was really starting to freak out. Finally they did the ultrasound first they tried external which was stupid b/c I was only 10 weeks along, and then they brought out the transvaginal. I had no idea that this type of u/s would soon become a regular part of my life. The screen showed nothing. As ignorant as I was at that time, even I knew that was not good. Of course the technician wouldn't tell me anything but the look on her face said it all. They sent me home and said the doctor would call me later. Finally around 9pm that night she called to tell me I had had a miscarriage and not to worry because these things happen and I would have a baby soon. Two days later the real cramping and bleeding began and I passed the rest of the tissue.

Fast forward to present day and I have had six more miscarriages all between 8 and 10weeks and one ectopic pregnancies. I have been to four different OB/Gyn practices and five different RE practices. Three of my seven miscarriages were karyotyped and were found to be two girls and one boy. This is my ninth pregnancy and at 33weeks I am still scared, but more hopeful than ever that this baby girl Faith Elizabeth will come home with me. My seven angel babies are always with me in my heart. Tonight I will light a candle in memory of my children and yours.

32.5

So here I am still pregnant and still on bed rest. I don't think Dr.T expected me to make it this far. So far we remain stable. I don't get u/s anymore at every visit. My next u/s will be at 36 weeks. Faith's heart rate is good and movement is crazy. So I don't mind no u/s and I certainly don't miss the dildo cam anyway. Six weeks will be the longest I've gone the whole pregnancy w/o an u/s though. Cervix is still closed and measuring 1.1cm. Dr.T says I'm a boring normal OB patient now. My fFN test was negative yesterday and that will be the last one we do. So Dr. T says I don't have to have a baby sitter all the time now. That's a relief, I would like a little of my independence back. At 34 we will be put on moderate bed rest and I will be allowed to move around the house more. I'm looking forward to being able to go upstairs and see the nursery in real life. At 36 we will stop all medication (procardia and prometrium) and I can go back to work full time. How weird will that be?

I went to a breast feeding class, and I feel a little more confident. Faith is head down and kicking the shit out of my ribs. The light at the end of the tunnel is finally visible. We are entering the safer window for delivery and less potential time in the NICU. Dr.T jokes about having to induce me at 41 weeks, ha ha not funny. Seriously I can't go that long.

I have pregnancy induced carpal tunnel syndrome. It's lots of fun. I have sexy wrist braces to wear at night. I'm wearing them now to get used to them. Last night I ripped them off in the middle of the night b/c I couldn't get comfortable, and then had numb fingers for the rest of the night. Only I could get carpal tunnel while on bed rest.

Picture

31 weeks

Big Baby

Growing up I was not much of a doll girl. I liked to play make believe with my stuffed animals and run around outside always. I did have one doll that I did love. I called her Big Baby. She was supposed to be the size of a newborn or a little bigger I believe. To a 2 year old that is a big baby. Big Baby had a cloth body and plastic arms and legs with a big plastic head and blinking eyes. I let Big Baby's hair go to blonde dreds, because like me, Big Baby did not care for people combing her knotty hair out. I spent most of my early years with short homemade haircuts because of my refusal to let anyone comb my hair. Naturally curly hair makes for lots of tangles and knots, and one stubborn little girl. Also I rarely dressed Big Baby so she was naked most of the time and dirty because I took outside with me. Big Baby is at my mom's house now, because she couldn't bare to get rid of her.

Yesterday I had my weekly doctor appointment. Cervix is still stable and another negative fFN test. We had a growth scan, which was a surprise to me since I thought we were just doing cervical length. Faith is measuring 4lbs! 90th percentile, one whole week ahead of schedule. My doctor said "Big Baby". We are just shy of 31 weeks. 4lbs sounds so big to me, but good if she comes early we should be all right. If we go to term God help my vagina.

All in all a good appointment, the crib came yesterday so my baby won't be sleeping in a drawer. I am more than ready to be done with bed rest. Ten weeks completed five more to go.

Patience

Oh my hell people! I am going to go bat shit crazy on my MIL any minute now. How one person can annoy the everlovin' crap out of me I do not know. Right now she is tearing my living room apart while she "cleans". I do not claim to be the best housekeeper in the world, not to mention I have been on fucking bedrest for 9 weeks now. I do not need a running commentary on how dirty my house is. I appreciate the cleaning but I could do without the judging.

I need a boatload of patience ASAP.

In other bed rest news. The nursery is no where near ready. What we have is a spare bedroom with piles of baby stuff laying all over the place. It will get done when it get's done.

My cervix is holding stable at 1.1cm. Hooray! Dr. T is very pleased that we are making our way into the 30's. Faith is presenting vertex, or head down. She continues to look strong every week. I am shocked that it's finally the third trimester. Now we just have to make it past 32 weeks.

Here's something I need to say and I hate myself for feeling this way. Particularly because I have fought so hard to be and stay pregnant and I always wanted to punch people who bitch about being pregnant....but I do not enjoy being pregnant....

I know, I should be flogged. I won't list my complaints but I do not have a glow, and this has not been some of the best months of my life.

I am really looking forward to having Faith on the outside and getting my body back to myself, but I am more than willing to wait 6-8 more weeks. I feel like I am running a marathon and I'm at the 20mile mark. Holy shit I've run 20 miles and I feel like ass. Fuck there is 6.2 more miles to go. Hopefully the fuck yeah this is awesome feeling I had with 2 miles left to go will come to me in a few weeks. Then when it's over I will say I totally want to do another one. Until then I feel like I will be slogging out these last few miles.

HOME

My cervix measured 1.1cm on Tuesday, and it's still closed. Faith measured 2lbs 13oz and looked super on the ultrasound. Yesterday we had another negative FFN test. So they discharged me from the hospital and I am back home on bed rest. We are working a schedule so that I am not home alone while DH is at work. That way we can get to the hospital as fast as possible and not have to wait for DH to get home first. This means my in laws are here. A true test of my patience that is for sure (Fox News all day, and incessant judging of our pantry and bathroom supplies. My house will never meet MIL standards) And so it goes.

I'm still having contractions but no more or more intense than they were in the hospital so I guess that means we're stable. I'm glad to be home, but miss the security of the hospital nurses and seeing my OB everyday. That's all I miss though.
29 weeks on Saturday.

GOAL!

28 weeks today. 95% survivability. Whoo Hoo! I thought we'd never get here. Hello 3rd trimester. We had another stable scan this week, my cervix is still .7cm. Thursday the 15th we will do another cervical check and a growth scan of baby Faith. If my cervix stays the same the MFM and my OB will "discuss" the possibility of sending me home to bed rest. Mixed feelings on that. On one hand I want out of the hospital so bad, on the other I like knowing if anything goes wrong we are here already.

I failed the one hour glucose test Tuesday. I was so mad. However I did pass the 3 hour test. I feel for those who have to do that in the doctor's office. It takes forever but at least here I could take a shower, and play on the computer while I waited for the next blood draw.

I had another anxiety attack after my ultrasound. They left me in the room to wait for the MFM to come talk to me, and I had all these flashbacks of my last two miscarriages where the tech left me alone in the stirrups with my dead baby on the screen. I told the MFM I couldn't do that anymore and I would gladly wait out in the hallway for her, but just don't leave me in that room. The way it works here is that I know the day I will have an ultrasound but no idea what time. It's impossible for me to arrange it so I won't be alone. The MFM was nice about it, and said of course they would try not to leave me in the ultrasound room for very long any more. This time I managed the attack without medication.

Yesterday the social worker came again, and I didn't cry or even tear up. Go me. The health educator came too, and brought me some booklets and links on line so we can go through a virtual birth class. I'm still having contractions about 1/hour. Dr. T says that's normal and he's not worried.

I'm starting to feel like we might get a take home baby for real. I am in awe.

27 weeks

It was been a long week here in the hospital bed. Monday I had my ultrasound and my cervix was the same length as the week before .7cm. We also had another negative fFN test. My contractions remain under control with the procardia. So good news all around and Dr. T says if I remain stable after 28 weeks I might be able to go back home to bed rest.

Emotionally Monday I was spent. I had a full blown anxiety attack and kicked a chaplain out of my room. I couldn't calm down, my heart was racing and it felt like a boulder on my chest. My nurse was a super star and took care of me, telling me that this was my house and no one goes through that door without my ok. To clarify the chaplain did nothing, her presence just set me off. I just do not have the mental fortitude right now to talk about anything other than what's happening right now. I cannot rehash my losses and explain my life to another stranger. They ended up giving me a xanax and after a couple hours I was good again. Dr. T. was understanding and good to me. He also gave me wheel chair privileges, so I can outside for 20 minutes a day. The rest of the week has been ok. My mom spent the day with me Wednesday, and DH has been coming in the afternoons and staying until I eat dinner. Dr. T went to the beach for the weekend so the other doctors in my OB practice stop by. I've not met any of them, but so they have been nice. Faith is now breech, which is good for my cervix bad for my bladder. Apparently she is training to be on the Olympic soccer team.

Tuesday I have my weekly cervix check and the dreaded glucose test. I really hope I pass that sucker, having to restrict my diet and be on bed rest would be beyond unfair.

Adjustments

We are adjusting to our new hospital life. I'm getting the routine of the nurse shifts and learning who I like and who I could do without. Dr.T has come to see me everyday. That has really impressed me. Yesterday was his day off and he still came by. It was the first time we have seen him in street clothes instead of scrubs. They hook me up to the monitors three times a day to check on contractions, and the baby's heartbeat. Speaking of the baby we decided to give out her name, because so many people are asking and praying for her. Drum roll please...... Faith Elizabeth.. I've been calling her Faith for a while but now it is official. It's taken a huge amount of faith to get this far, so I think it's appropriate. So Faith looks awesome on the monitors, she is a mover and a shaker. Sometimes they have to hunt around to get her heartbeat and keep it on the monitor. When she is on the monitor and doing her thing it sounds like she is building something with saws and hammers because of all the static she creates. The nurses all say this means she is really healthy and strong. The procardia has really slowed the contractions. Dr. T says he might take me off of it and see how things go. That would be good, because it gives me a headache and makes my face flush. However I would rather have those things than contractions anyway. I have my cervix check tomorrow. I'm hoping for stable news. I also found out Dr.D who was my MFM during my last m/c has moved to this hospital and may be one of the doctors I see tomorrow. I really like her and it will be good to see a familiar face and one who is aware of our history. My history continues to haunt me. The chaplain and the social worker came to talk to me and of course they brought up my history of loss. I cannot go through that without just melting into tears, which made them put red flags up about depression and anxiety. Understandably I know that is a concern and I am practicing all my techniques to keep that at bay. Dr. T talked to me about antidepressants and I told him I really wanted to try to get to post partum before considering them. He told me to take it day by day and that I had already given up so much for this baby, my sanity did not need to be one of them.

So many people have called and come to visit. JJ came and I know that was hard for her to come back to this place where she spent some time. I really appreciated her coming though and sharing her experience of hospital bed rest and having Oliver with her as a great outcome. And she brought me a decaf vanilla latte from Starbucks that was heavenly. Thank you JJ.

I want to thank everyone for the prayers and positive energy being sent our way. It means so much and I believe it is helping keep Faith right where she needs to be.
26 weeks today! Goal is 28 weeks or more so we are making it one day at a time.

Hospital

Yesterday I was admitted to the hospital. My cervix has funneled to .7cm, baby is head down and I'm having contractions. They gave me my first round of steroids and I will get the second round in about an hour. After a very restless sleepless night they decided to put me on procardia to slow down the contractions. Dr. T. says he doesn't think I'm going to go into labor but we don't need the added stress from the contractions. The NICU doctor came to see me last night to talk about what will happen if we deliver this early. He had better survivability stats than I had read for 25 weeeks 4 days. Of course everything is a lot better if we make it to 28 weeks or more. DH is freaking out and I am having to be the strong one. Brave faces everyone.

28 days

This week has sucked. Monday was my weekly cervix check with the fFN test. My fFN results were negative which is good. That means I have a 1% chance of going into labor this week. My cervix has now funneled to 1.1cm .8cm with pressure. That is not good. Dr.T says if it gets down to .5cm or dilates at all we go to hospital bed rest. In some ways I think just put me in the hospital because they would monitor me and if anything happens I am already there. I live an hour away from the hospital and that is a little concerning. But I also know that the hospital is stressful and not very restful, and it's important for me to be calm and rested. That took measurements of the baby and she is right on target for 24 weeks in fact a little big. She weighs 1lb 9oz and Dr. Google told me that is the average weight for 26 weeks gestation. So good news there if she comes early. Right now our main goal is to make it to 28 weeks. Tomorrow is 25 weeks so just 21 more days.

I'm still a little confused on my contractions but it's different than just kicks. All my stomach muscles contract, sort of like they are balling up. It doesn't hurt but it's not comfortable either. I may be having more than I think it's hard for me to discern. On Tuesday when I go back for my check I'm going to ask them about hooking me up to one of those machines to check on them.

I will try to post more pictures soon.

3 weeks down

21 days in bed 86 more to go, but who's counting?

This week my cervix measured the same Yay! I've been having contractions Boo! But only like 5-6 contractions a day. Dr. T said he would be worried if I had 3-4 an hour. So there's that. Next week he will start doing the FFN test. This tests the secretions on the cervix and if it's positive it means I might go into labor in the next 2 weeks, if it's negative it means I'm highly unlikely to go into labor in the next two weeks. Let's pray for negative. I will be 24 weeks on Saturday which makes baby girl officially a viable player. Of course the odds are not great but better than they were two weeks ago. I asked Dr. T what he thought the odds were of her coming extra early and he said he didn't know it really was a crap shoot. Especially because this is my first baby to make it out of the first trimester.

I ordered a Nook and I cannot wait for it to get here. I read the first book in the Hunger Games Series love love love it. I finished in two days, now I'm desperate to read the next one.

Stanley the kitten is my bed rest companion, keeping me company throughout the day.

Two Weeks Bed Rest Completed

Yesterday's appointment had me rattled. My cervix measured 2mm shorter. Dr. T still says no to cerclage and next week will be too late. I'm wondering if I should have pushed harder to have it done. But he kept talking about the risks and I do trust him. Bed rest is hard. There is just no way around it. Sure the first couple days are nice, but then you just want to do something.

Baby still looks good, she is head down this week right near my cervix. There is plenty of fluid and everything looks great except my stupid cervix. I went to acupuncture right after my OB appointment, sobbed with my acupuncturist H and she did some treatment for anxiety this time with moxa. The moxa is needles on fire (literally) she burned some of my hair, but I did feel more relaxed when I got home.

We are supposed to take the childbirth class Oct.1, and asked DR. T if I am still pregnant then can I go. He was all let's see you would be 31 weeks, yeah if you're still pregnant I say you can go. Besides I'm sure they will refund your money if you've already had the baby.

That scares me. What if I have this baby before 31 weeks, before 36 weeks really. I've tried to learn a little about micro preemies and what to expect. Of course I don't need to scare myself, but I need to know what could happen. I joined sidelines.org and that is good support. I'm 22w4d today. We've got a long road in front of us.

Kitten News

One of the kittens showed up this morning at 5:30. I woke up to loud scratching and a tiny kitten climbing the screen of our bedroom window. I knew it was a kitten because my older cat is too fat to climb the screen. We ran to the door and there was Stanley the male kitten. He seems so worse for wear. A tiny scab on his chin, and a need to meow nonstop, hungry, but otherwise happy and healthy. He's asleep next to me on the bed right now. Maybe he was a up a tree all this time. Anyway it is a happy reunion. DH will look for Daisy the female just in case she is in a tree somewhere too. I will try to post a picture later.
Much happier day!

pity party minute

Last night was just awful. The kittens are missing and most likely dead. I last saw them playing around our deck about 3 in the afternoon. No trace of them now. We choose to live in a secluded area that includes many predators, but the coyote problem has gotten out of control. They are not supposed to come close to the house. We've only had the kittens three weeks and now they are gone. They had brought such joy to us, especially because everything seemed so uncertain. I just feel like everytime we have just a little bit of happiness it gets snatched away. I know I have many blessings in my life and I am grateful. But damn. I feel so helpless I can't go look for the kittens I can't help around the house. I have to depend on DH for everything and he is not the best caretaker. I keep telling myself things could be worse. Be thankful. Crying is not going to make it better but it seems like all I can do.

15 weeks to go?

So today completes my first week of bed rest. We are 21w4days pg. Yesterday I had an appointment with Dr. T. My cervix is stable at 1.7cm, closed and firm but still funneling. Baby is great, extremely active. The sonographer said Whoo you are going to have fun when she gets bigger. She already kicks through the day and night. But that's OK, because then I know she is alive. So Dr. T says no to cerclage. He feels the risk outweighs the benefits at this time. He says the next 6-8 weeks are critical for baby. First goal is to make it 28 weeks, but hopefully we make it to 36 weeks. He said if I make it to 36 weeks he doesn't care what I do I can go back to work, we will have a party. Dr. T gave me permission to work from home 4 hours a day on computer and phone as long as I am laying down. I still waiting for my work to give me the OK on that one. Hopefully they will or I will go stir crazy and exhaust all of my leave.

I'm trying to keep a sort of schedule. Get up at 6:45 with DH, eat breakfast and play with the kitties a little. Then back in bed. Work stuff until noon and then lunch. In the afternoon, reading, trolling the Internet and a little television. Once DH comes home I shower and then eat dinner, play with kitties and watch TV or movies with DH. Go to bed at 10. Rinse Lather Repeat.

At 24 weeks we may start doing steroid shots to help baby lungs along. It's a little nerve wracking, but I'm doing everything I can. Each day that passes means a stronger possibility of viability.

Bed Rest

I have been put on bed rest until further notice by Dr. T. My cervix went down to 1.7cm. Baby girl flipped around and now her head is at my cervix. So I am only allowed to get up to go to the bathroom, eat and take a shower. This is a critical time because we are not at viability yet. 21 weeks. Dr. T said it is too risky to do a cerclage after 23 weeks. My cervix is still closed, but significantly shorter than last week. FUCK. I am trying hard to keep a brave face and be positive. DH on the other hand if falling apart. He is distraught and very angry. He keeps talking about why is God punishing him. I don't know what to do. I told him we will just have to ask for help, and people will help us. Neither of us like doing that, but in this situation this is what we must do. I know this little girl is destined for greatness she is so special she has to be shared with the world. I just have to do what I can to get my stupid body to get her here.

owning it

Lately, I have been asking myself why I don't feel like I "own" this pregnancy. What I mean is that I feel like it's happening to someone else and I am just watching. I want to be reveling in it and feeling the joy. Instead its just weird and I don't know how I feel except awkward and scared. I have a hard time putting into words how I feel, except that I feel somehow detached.

My cervix is still stable and we had our big scan last week. We are having a girl, which is pretty exciting. The placenta is lying low so it will be included in my weekly checks. Now I can add incompetent cervix and placenta previa to my list of worries. I joined the YMCA so I can swim now. I have to go early in the morning before work which is tough but manageable and I feel so much better afterwards. I've been feeling her little kicks at times. She is a pretty active little fetus, whenever they do the ultrasound she is flipping and turning.

Recently I realized that I really don't know jack shit about babies and that scares me to death. I know a whole lot about miscarriage and early pregnancy but beyond that I am clueless. I've tried to look at baby stuff and figure out what we need but it all seems so overwhelming. I am hoping that one day I will just suddenly feel like shopping for that stuff. Hopefully I'll have the essentials before she is here.

Otherwise physically I'm doing well, gaining weight at the appropriate rate, blood pressure is stellar, and no other problems aside from a little heartburn. Well there is one thing... I have a cleavage issue. I've never had boobs before and I'm not sure how to deal with these things, but often I look down see I am giving quite a show.

So far we are signed up for child birth class in October and breast feeding in Nov. and we are on a waiting list for daycare to start in late February. She is not due until Dec. 3rd. It seems so soon and optimistic to me, but this is how the fertiles do it, so I need to try and blend a little better. Fake it till you make it right?

17 weeks

My cervix is stable. The bad news is weekly monitoring. The good news is weekly monitoring means weekly ultrasounds. So at least I get to see the baby all the time. I've been having what I call low grade cramps, or heaviness feeling down low in my pelvis. But when they checked my cervix today it was still closed and 2.5 cm long. Dr. T says he doesn't want to do a cerclage unless it gets less than 1.5cm. So we just keep watching and checking. Next week is the big anatomy scan but DH is out of town on a fire and we are not sure if he will be back yet, so I may ask them to reschedule the big scan for the following week and just do my cervix/heartbeat check next week. I really want DH to be there for the anatomy scan and so does he. Dr. T still has me on pelvic rest and light duty, he said if I remain stable he will add a little more activity each week. Which is good. I hate not exercising. For me exercise is a stress reliever. The baby's heart rate was a little slower this week, but the sonographer assured me that was normal because today she was just chillin' in there not doing the regular flips and kicks.

So that's it really. I'm trying to take it easy and rest as much as I can. I feel lazy but it's for a good cause. I can't believe we've made it this far. I thank God everyday and pray that we can bring this baby home in 5 months.

There has been sad news for my RPL sisters in the blogosphere the last few weeks it breaks my heart. I feel their pain as if it were my own.

Cervical Competency

So my cervix did not pass the competency test but it didn't fail either. Currently my cervix is measuring 2.5 cm. Anything greater than 2.5 is good and normal, anything less than 1.5 is bad. So I am in the gray zone. Dr. T wants to monitor weekly and I am on pelvic rest and light duty for the time being. It's a little frightening. Maybe more than a little. At least I get weekly ultrasounds for a little while. I had always hoped that stepping into the 2nd trimester would bring relief from the anxiety and fear, but not so much. The good news is that I am being closely monitored and if a cerclage is needed they have more to work with and it won't be an emergency situation. I'm 16 weeks today. Dr. T said if a cerclage is needed he wants to do it by 19 weeks. Everything else looks good, blood pressure is 114/70 and baby heartbeat is 154bpm. Development looks normal for this stage. I've gained 5 pounds total. I feel fine, more tired than anything but otherwise good. I told a few more of my work colleagues at our Professional Assoc. State meeting. So that was nice.

I'm trying to keep the positive things flowing and not let this cervix thing overwhelm me. It's not so easy. Just keep praying.

Update

Toxo results are in and my titer was stable. This means I have been exposed to Toxoplasmosis before and carry the antibodies but I am not currently infected. Whew! So I can check that worry off my list and go on to worry more about my cervix.

nothing of note

So everyone keeps asking me "How are you feeling?". My response is always fine... Am I supposed to feel something else? It puzzles me that people want to know the daily ins and outs of this pregnancy. My friend M said it's just that women want to commiserate with you and share their experience. I find it totally overwhelming, but I'm trying to adapt. So I feel fine. In the last week I have suddenly popped. I don't see a bump but my pooch is bigger and rounder. My pants don't fit. I broke down and ordered some maternity pants and a top yesterday. Most of my fat clothes fit so it's not terrible. I worked so hard to lose those 25lbs of infertility and it looks like it will come back, but this time it's more than worth it. I haven't had any major pains or bleeding. I did have some sharp stabby pains in my left side that seemed ovary related to me, but after consulting with the nurse and Dr. Google it seems they were round ligament pains. I did rent a doppler and I heart my doppler. Every night before I go to bed I listen first to my heartbeat and then the baby's. It is so reassuring.

I had my blood work done on Monday for the Toxoplasmosis retest. The results should be back tomorrow. Fingers crossed it comes back negative. I have my next scan a week from Friday for cervix check.

DH and I have been on self imposed pelvic rest since my BFP and it's getting old. I had a very vivid dream the other night. Can women have wet dreams? I think I had one. So I'd like to get frisky again. I know it's safe but RPL warps your brain.

Slowly I am telling people about the baby. It's hard for me to do, but I'm getting better at it. Our due date is Dec. 3rd.

Also I am lovin' some P.M.Dawn right now. Patient Eyes, wow takes me back to high school and making mix tapes with my best girls.

Opossum

DH says the baby looks like an opossum***. So that's our nickname. Opossum did great for the NT scan in that he/she flipped around and wiggled so much it took 4 trys for the tech to finally get Opossum in the right position to measure stuff. I was told to arrive with a full bladder and I thought it might burst before they could scan. When Opossum didn't cooperate she let me pee to my great relief. This was my first belly ultrasound. So unusual not to have to undress from the waist down. Everything came out OK, it looks like I have a 1/4500 chance of downs and a 1/7500 of spina bifida so that's a huge relief.

I did come up positive on part of the Toxoplasmosis test. Dr. T. said that meant I have been exposed to it at some time in my life, but not necessarily am I currently infected. So they are retesting in two weeks. That is a little stressful, but we haven't had a litter box in the house in over a year and that was when Oscar was strictly an inside kitten. I've had cats my whole life so I shouldn't be surprised that I have been exposed. But nonetheless its a little disconcerting. The other thing that happened during my pelvic exam is that Dr. T. said my cervix felt a little short, so I am to come back at 16 weeks for another ultrasound so they can measure my cervix. Last week in Chicago Dr.C. said my cervix looked great. So who knows. I am grateful Dr. T is concerned and keeping a close watch on my cervix, because next to miscarrying, my cervix is my biggest concern. I have had 4 d&c's and a septum resection so that is a lot of cervical manipulation. If I need a cerclage I want them to determine that sooner than later.

Dr. C has released me from her care, I will do monthly blood work to make sure my NK cells are playing nice but they feel I am through the woods now.

So I might really be pregnant and there is definitely something growing in there. It is amazing to me that there will be enough room for a baby to fully grow in there. It's also amazing to watch Opossum flip and turn and wiggle around. I did rent a doppler and I have been able to find the heartbeat each time. That has made me a lot less anxious.

**I think only baby opossums are cute, grown up ones kind of freak me out**

doppler

We were able to hear the heartbeat with a Doppler yesterday. My first non vaginal scan. The nurse, my mom and me were all in tears and my sweet sweet nurse Tracy said the most beautiful words "Happy Mothers Day".

My OB Dr. T came in next to see me and tell me it was time to plug into the regular pregnancy program. I asked him about how he saw my level of risk and he said once we are fully out of the first trimester he felt my risk level goes down, but I'm still high risk b/c of my age and potentially b/c of my cervix. I asked about a cerclage and what he thought. He said we have no reason to think your cervix will fail. I said yeah but I have never carried this far either. He said True, we will monitor and if it seems necessary 18 weeks is when they would do a cerclage. I asked about 16 weeks and he said lets just monitor. In the end he said "You still haven't bought into this, have you?.. that's ok some moms can't until they have that baby in their arms." I really don't know when I might feel more confident.

He also told me not to run out and buy a Doppler, that I could come in and hear the heartbeat anytime I started to feel nervous.

I don't think they want me there everyday so I am considering maybe renting one. Any suggestions?

Next week I fly to Chicago for my last infusion (hopefully). Dr. C says my blood work looks great, but she doesn't want to take any risks with me. I agree. Then on the 23rd I will have my first OB appt. and the early Down's screening ultrasound all in the same day.

In celebration yesterday I broke down and bought a bigger bra.

maybe a little hope

I had an ultrasound on Monday and I measured 9weeks 2days, heartrate of 174bpm. They showed us the umbilical cord, and tiny hands and feet. It even wiggled around a little. This is more than I have ever seen before and the longest I have ever carried. My OB said it was time for me to get with the regular pregnancy program. I asked for one more scan next week and then I would do what he wants.

Afterwards the thought that maybe we were seeing someone else's baby on the screen crossed my mind. Even though that is stupid because there was a freaking wand in my vayjayjay the whole time, I still thought about it.

I have boob muffin tops coming out of my A cup. I'm afraid to buy a B cup b/c that could jinx things.

So they said they should be able to hear the heart with the doppler next week, but Dr. T promised that if they couldn't get it with the doppler they would give me an ultrasound. So next Tuesday is another hurdle, and hopefully I get through Mother's Day weekend in one piece.

update

I still have a fetus with a beating heart in my uterus....158bpm, 8wks 1day. They gave me another intralipid infusion and this time I didn't faint. Next scan is Monday morning with my OB. one day at a time.

can't take it

I can't take much more of this. I feel like I am held together with dried out duct tape and string and the slightest misstep will cause me to crumble.

Tomorrow I fly to Chicago. Dr. C will do an ultrasound with her super fancy machines and if we still have a fetus with a heartbeat I will have another round of intralipid therapy. My blood results were all good and normal, but because of my wretched history Dr. C did not want to take any chances and recommended another infusion.

I am scared, anxious, tearful, jumping from hopeful to doom and gloom every two minutes.

hematologist

I had my appointment with the hematologist yesterday. First let me say that Dr. G is a very very very nice man and treated me with respect. If I ever have reason to see a hematologist I definitely want to go to him.

Here's the break down: It took a couple days after my OB referral for the hematologist office to call me with an appt. This put me on alert, and I called my OB several times to find out if I was supposed to be calling the hematologist. I'm sure they put another sad face next to my name on my chart for being such a pest. Finally they call with an appointment for this week (one week after my scan). I felt that if I needed to be on Lovneox we shouldn't be dicking around with appointments and get this going because we are entering the two period where all my miscarriages take place. Truthfully I am a woman on the edge.

Then on Monday they called to say they pushed my appointment back to next week. I went crazy. I was sobbing to the referral person about how they didn't understand the situation and WHY would they do this to me (not professional of me I know.)Later that day she called back and said they would keep my appointment for this week (April 20).

So yesterday I drive to the hospital and promptly lock my keys in the car. I go to the new patient check in and wait for the lady to decide to help me. My appointment was at 1:30 and I was there at 1:20. She checks me in and sends me up to the lab with a pager like you get at Outback. She told me the pager would go off when they were ready for me. So I wait and I watch every person who came in at the same time and after me get called into the lab. Finally I asked the lady at the desk if I was supposed to check in with her, b/c the lady downstairs said to just wait until the pager went off. Well it turns out lady downstairs never put me in the system so they didn't know I was there. Finally I get in the lab it's now 2:20pm. The lab lady says I was about to put you down as a no show, your appointment was at 1:30. I said I have been here since 1:20, but apparently no one put me in the queue. After 8 vials of blood are drawn I am ushered back downstairs and my pager finally goes off. The nurse comes to get me and tells me the doctor has been waiting for me. I apologize and tell her what happened. Finally I am with the doctor and he tells me he spoke with my OB but didn't get my records. Luckily I brought them all with me and then had to share my history. I cannot seem to get that out with starting to cry. In the end he tells me that several recent studies from Europe have shown that lovenox and baby aspirin have no benefit in recurrent miscarriage, especially in women w/o clotting disorders. He was obviously up to date on his area of study and he was compassionate about my situation. I was a wreck. I didn't WANT to take lovenox but it was something I could have control over and if there was even the slightest possibility it could help I wanted to do it. I took lovenox during my 7th pregnancy and still miscarried at 9 weeks so it's not like I had a success story. So no lovenox and I'm still taking baby aspirin despite what Doctor G. said. They will call me next week with my blood results, but he doesn't expect them to be different than other times I have been tested for clotting factors and anti phospholipid antibodies. As I was leaving he said "Maybe this will be the one to stick". This made me want to scream, I had to get out of there before I totally fell apart.

Then I had to call a locksmith and pay $40 to get in my car. I had one of those magnet things but it fell off and I haven't replaced it. In short I AM A MESS.

Today I have a phone consult with Dr. C in Chicago, to see if I need to do more intralipids. My next scan is Wednesday.

Hurdles

Today I crossed hurdle #1, there was a hearbeat at 110bpm and measuring at 6w1d (right where I should be). OB and I discussed lovenox. He says it's probably overkill but given my history why not. I have a phone consult with Dr. C in Chicago next week and that will be discussed as well as what my blood results are and when is the next infusion. My next scan is in two weeks. I tried to get one next week, but my OB wouldn't budge. I don't get any stress relief from the scans, b/c I know it can all still go horribly wrong. I am trying so hard to keep my shit together, but I am teetering on the edge. So grateful that my baby is alive and trying to focus on that, but the dark clouds have a way of seeping in.

Waiting

Honestly I am trying hard to keep the train wreck in me from getting out. The infusion was easy and fast. I did faint as she put the IV in. I felt it coming, I think the anxiety got the best of me. However the nurse handled it like a champ and did not freak out keeping me calm and my mom calm as well. I finished the whole IV in less than 15 minutes and they kept me for monitoring for another 1/2 hour. So the whole thing was about 45 minutes. Itralipid infusion $650, blood tests $410, plane ticket $160, Hotel $164, parking $30, trains $20, **CARRYING THIS PREGNANCY TO TERM***PRICELESS
I have my first ultrasound on Tuesday April 12. So then we will know if this viable. I don't have any morning sickness. I wish so bad I did, but it is early. My only symptoms are sore BB's and constipation. I'm still taking my herbs, and going to acupuncture. I hate this part. One day at a time right?

Jumping in

I decided to go forward with Intralipids. I fly to Chi-town Saturday morning and have my infusion Monday morning. The flight was considerably cheaper by flying on Sat. so my mom is going with me. I'm glad to have company. I feel good about my decision. If this pg ends badly at least I will know that I tried everything I could to protect it. I feel like I can be at peace with that

Beta #2

365
This is a good number... my progesterone level on Monday was 27.5 another good omen. Now I am frantically trying to decide whether to proceed with intralipid therapy.
Any thoughts?

buckle up

Beta #1 at 14dpo 100

please send prayers

Fast and Furious

This time of year I feel like a dog chasing it's tail. No matter how fast I go I will not catch it. Work is in full tilt as we gear up for the spring growing season. I love my work and sometimes lose my personal life/work balance. It's something I do need to work at.

So a month or so ago the minister of the little church we have been attending came to our house to talk about joining the church officially. I was raised Catholic and DH was raised Quaker so we come from opposite ends of the spectrum. We like this little Methodist church but we are clueless to their rules/traditions etc. So the minister or "Preacher" C. as he likes to be called ( I just can't call him that. I feel like I am on Little House on the Prairie or something.) came to our house. He came at 7 at night and I was unsure of etiquette, I mean was I supposed to feed him dinner or something? My mom assured me that coffee and cookies were appropriate. My priest growing up had a built in keg in his refrigerator so what do I know? OK so we are sitting around our kitchen table discussing our backgrounds and talking about the church. Let me preface this by telling you all our furniture is very very old... like early 1920's old. I keep hearing the chair the minister is sitting in pop and creak with every movement. Now "Preacher C" is a big man, but not huge. Well the next thing you know, the whole seat collapsed and he fell on the floor. I was mortified. He was embarrassed. The chair is demolished. DH and I jumped up and helped him to his feet. He apologized and offered to buy us a new chair, but all I could think of was "He will NEVER forget coming to visit us" that's for damn sure. We all laughed about it, and DH and I have decided to join the church but first we have to get baptized. I was baptized as a baby, but DH was not b/c Quakers don't roll like that. So I think it is a spiritual thing for us to do it together. I hope that it help us grow closer together and closer to God.

So Many Tales to Tell

I have had a million blog posts on my mind, and can't seem to make the time to put them on the page. Things have been super busy at work and I have been kicking ass and taking names.

I suck at gluten free, but I am still slowly working on it.

DH and I went to counseling, the therapist was a bit of a douche and I'm not sure I want to go back but we have an appt. next week and I still haven't canceled.

Running is going good. I had to buy new shoes b/c my knees were starting to hurt and that is a sign my shoes are blown out.

We had a conversation about "the drinking" but I think we need to go further with it.

We met with the minister at the little church we have been attending for the last few months and talked about how to officially join. The ministers visit to our home is a hilarious post all on its own. I will write about it soon.

We visited my brother and met my new niece. I'm hoping to go back to see them at the end of the month for oldest 2nd B-day.

I thought I was pg last month for about 3 days. My acupuncturist H thought so too. She said my pulse wasn't slippery but something was going on. I was never late and had 3 BFN tests, but she thinks something might have started but didn't finish. So H thinks we should start casually TTC. I have mixed feelings about it. I do think DH and I have come miles from where we were a few months ago, but I still feel we have miles to go. I feel very strong emotionally and physically but the thought of being pg still scares me badly. I want to be secure, knowing if I did get pg and it went wrong that I wouldn't fall back in that fucking hole I have worked so hard to get out of. I'm not that secure yet.

So I think we should just wait at least for a little bit.