We have a heartbeat

My ultrasound went well. The baby is measuring right at six weeks, and has heartrate of 106bpm. This ultrasound was a little different than anything I have had before. After waiting for 40 minutes they called me back into this expansive ultrasound room. Seriously you could fit like 20 people in there. I'm used to these cramped rooms at my RE's office where it's uncomfortable with 4 people in there. So I get in there with my mom and the u/s technician and I take my shoes off and I start to take my pants off, and I say I assume you want me to strip from the waist down. The tech looks at me all crazy and says "no.. just pull your shirt up and pull your waistband. Huhhh... you're not going to do a transvaginal ultrasound. She said well we do this one first and if we can't see anything we will do an internal ultrasound.

I was like but I know you won't see anything it's too early. So we did the tummy ultrasound and then she said ok, take off your pants and we will do the internal. First she was looking at my ovaries and on the screen all I saw was a big empty sac. I asked her if this was the gestational sac? (tears running down my face the whole time). She said no that's a cyst on your right ovary. I'm thinking why are we looking at my ovaries lady, let's look at my uterus. Finally she goes to my ute and she says here is the baby. (Sac with dot inside). I asked does it have a heartbeat? She says yes and plays it loudly in the room. My mom fell apart at this point, but all I can think is "is it a slow heartrate?" No the tech says its a good heartrate right where it should be. You are measuring right at six weeks. I ask her where is the baby located in my uterus, is it in a good place? She said it's right at the fundus. I ask if that is a problem b/c of my septum. She didn't know but said the Dr. would know.

Then I put my pants back on and Dr. S the ultraound lady came in and told me everything looked really good. The gestational sac is a good shape and the heartrate strong. She asked if I could come back in 2 weeks and I said I would rather come back next week and she said that was perfectly reasonable given my history. So I have an appointment for this Thursday at 7:15AM. I still have not seen my OB. She was in surgery all day Friday so I didn't see a doctor, well except for Dr. S the ultrasound lady. The place where I had my ultrasound was a Fetal Comprehensive Care Unit in the same building as my OB. I guess they have high tech equipment b/c I thought you couldn't hear the heartbeat until 10 weeks.

I did not feel a weight lifted after this, I begged them not to give me the pictures or the "Happy Baby Package". I have seen a heartbeat before and lost the baby three days later. I should feel some relief, but I don't. I need to make it to the second trimester before I will feel a little easier about this. I guess this was one huge hurdle jumped but all I see are many more in front of me.

tomorrow...

Tomorrow at 9:30 I have my ultrasound. So things could go well or go down the shitter. I have no idea which way it will go. I do know either way I will live. My mom insisted on coming up to go with me to the appointment. I planned to go by myself, but she was not having it, and I have learned it's easier just to let her have her way. My DH is off fighting a fire and will be gone for 9 more days. Oddly I don't mind going to these things by myself, in fact if the news is bad I can just cry myself. It feels a hundred times more painful when I see the look of sadness and desperation on the face of someone I love. I instantly feel that I need to be strong so that person won't feel so sad. If I am by myself I can just be sad. I know this is depressing.

I am taking the prometrium and my herbs from my acupuncturist M. Yesterday she said my kidney pulse was good. I don't know what that means but she seemed really pleased.

Ok I have to pull myself out of these deep thoughts and focus on the tasks at hand. I need to finish my mid year reports and my end of the month reports. Ok think like a worker bee.

Zen thy name is Peppermint Patty

I discovered a delicious answer to my rattled nerves and edgy disposition. Peppermint Patty Cookies. Thank you Hershey. I am feeling better today. Yesterday I yelled at people, cried at work, freaked on my doctor's nurse and sent an e-mail I might regret to my OB.

My serum progesterone was 15 on Monday. My OB's nurse said that Dr. F was not inclined to prescribe progesterone b/c I have had m/c with normal progesterone levels and below normal levels. I told the nurse I didn't understand because my RE says if your level is below 20 you should supplement. She said well maybe I should call my RE.

This did not sit well with me at all. Now I know that the research is inconclusive about whether progesterone helps sustain a pregnancy or not. However we do know that it does not hurt the pregnancy. So if your patient is a psycho who has had five miscarriages you give her the progesterone lady! Give me something I can take control over. I have no control over this situation, but taking prometrium everyday is something I can do.

I called my RE and left a message with his nurse. 30 minutes later Dr. P himself called me back. I filled him in on what was going on. I haven't been back to the clinic since April 29th when they determined my missed miscarriage. He was pleased with my beta numbers and when I told him my progesterone level he said he would call in a prescription for prometrium 200mg/ twice a day vaginally. He told me to call him after my ultrasound and let him know what was going on. I could have kissed him. Just to have someone be reassuring and nice and proactive.

I love my OB and I know she is just being conservative, but right now I don't want conservative I want aggressive take the bull by the horns medicine. So I sent my OB an e-mail asking her to explain why she didn't want to prescribe prometrium. I hope she doesn't take me the wrong way. I just want to understand why every freaking doctor says a different thing.

I went to my acupuncturist M. yesterday too. I love her she is trying so hard to help me. She gave me a treatment and a bunch of herbs. She agrees that we need to be aggressive in approaching this pregnancy and give my body everything we can to help it sustain this pregnancy. So I will be drinking 4 cups of stinky tea every day for the next week.

Hopefully I can get through today without any drama. I am so glad it's the weekend.

PS. My OB just called and told it was a strict policy that they don't prescibe progesterone. She was very short and rude with me on the phone. WTF? She told me if my RE prescribes that's fine but they won't. She said it can cause vaginal infections and vaginal bleeding which is why they don't prescribe, so I am wrong about it not hurting. I feel so hurt by this conversation. I thought she was compassionate and understanding. Was I out of line by asking this question? I feel like she is very angry with me. I really don't want to doctor hop any more. What should I do?

Full of piss and vinegar

I am so freaking angry and short tempered today. I have no patience for these morons who call my office with their piddly problems. I am pregnant for the sixth time in three years. If you add all of my pregnancies together I have been pregnant for 51 months and I have nothing to show but 20lbs of extra weight. That's almost a year of being pregnant. Fuck you uterus!!

My beta numbers were good, 211(Thursday last week) and 1761 on Monday. But really that doesn't mean shit because I always start out with good numbers. I have my ultrasound next Friday. Great.

the rabbit died

My cat is a cold blooded killer and my dog is his accomplice. Let me preface this by telling you that I live in the middle of 106 acres and my closest neighbor is a 1/2 mile away. We live on a gravel road y'all. So wildlife is in abundance on the farm. We have a shit load of rabbits on our property along with snakes,coyote, moles, voles, deer, fox, turkey and all sorts of birds especially annoying whippoorwill's. But that is another story.

So this morning I got up early to POAS and decided to go for a short run. I have been running pretty regularly since my D&C. It helps clear my head, and I go slow, so I don't think it hurts. Anyway the dog and I take off and the cat trotted down the driveway to see us off.

I had a good run, with new tunes on my i.po.d. As I make the turn up my driveway I see my cat with a small rabbit in his mouth. I yell at him to drop it, and my dog promptly swipes the rabbit out of the cat's mouth. The rabbit is still alive dude. The dog drops it, and it runs, but it's injured so it can't go fast enough. My dog thinks this is game and catches it and throws it up in the air. I am yelling drop it, drop it!! He of course looks at me like I am crazy. The cat looks miffed that the dog stole his rabbit. Now the rabbit is dead and next to my husband's truck. I am pissed b/c I have to deal with this right now, or it will be an ordeal with the carcass.

So I stomp inside and get the animals their animal food, of which they prefer over dead rabbits. Then I have to go down and shovel this poor bunny into a bag and put him in the garbage to take to the dump. All this before 7AM sheesh. I do not condone my cat killing rabbits, but my feeling is that if my lazy kitty can catch a bunny, we have way way too many rabbits. He is not the most agile hunter. So if the bunny can't escape my cat then there is no way he will make against all the other predators on our land.

The stick was darker this time than yesterday, I hope that means my numbers are going up.

world's most fertile infertile

So I went to my OB/Gyn this morning for my follow up appt. from my D&C. It's been six weeks since my surgery and still no AF. So I go in and of course I have pee in a cup. I don't think much about this b/c I POAS on May 31 and BFN so I KNOW I am not pg. Well I get in the stirrups and my lovely Dr. F comes in:

Dr. F: have you been having sex?

me: well yea.

Dr. F: well you came up with a slight BFP.

me: WHAT????? How can this be?

Dr. F: well you had sex.

me: I know that but geez I must be the most fertile person in the world

Dr. F: We will take a beta now and come back Monday and we will do another and see if you levels are doubling. If they are then you are pg, if not it might be residual from the D&C

me: what do we do if they are?

Dr. F: What do you mean what do we do?

me: I don't know, should I start taking progesterone?

Dr. F: no, just wait until Monday, and keep that man away from you fertile myrtle.

HOLY FUCK!!! I had not anticipated this. I have been drinking and taking xanax. My mind is reeling. I cannot go through another m/c again. I've already stocked up on tests so I can POAS all weekend long.

trying to make a plan

So today on my half hour commute to work, I was thinking about what do I want to do about this baby thing. I had a really good tearful conversation with my dear friend JD yesterday. She said to me sometimes you just need to waller in it. The sadness the grief. Although I feel I have been sad for three years, I have not allowed myself to waller. (this is our country term for wallow). I always feel I have to pick myself up and carry on, be strong. I am tired of being strong. I want to be a puddle on the floor.

So on the way to work I thought about this. What if we take the next three months off of TTC. I go back to acupuncture. I really felt that acupuncture and TCM helped me. I carried the longest I ever have, and we saw a heartbeat. Now that the evil septum is gone, maybe acupuncture and TCM can help me even more. I felt good and relaxed when I was going to acupuncture too.

I have a Dr. appt. with my OB next week, and she should have the pathology report back. I will listen to her advice about what she thinks I should do. Then the following week I have an appt. with my shrink. I will listen to what she thinks I should do. Finally on the 26th I have an appt. with my RE at that point I think I will be able to make a good plan with him. My thoughts are in September to do injectibles and possibly an IUI. Although we have no problem conceiving naturally, I wonder if something is off in our timing and maybe that causes the m/c.

At any rate this would give me three months to take care of myself, maybe lose some of this weight I have put on, and possibly enjoy the summer. Of course I have to discuss this with my DH, but this would also allow him to take some trips and make extra money, which we will need if we do an IUI.

Does anyone out there in blog land have a success story with recurrent miscarriage and then trying injectibles with an IUI?

The more I think about this the more I like the sound of this plan. Now watch my OB will be like "you have to get pg right now or there is no hope for you!" surely she won't say that.