Big Baby

Growing up I was not much of a doll girl. I liked to play make believe with my stuffed animals and run around outside always. I did have one doll that I did love. I called her Big Baby. She was supposed to be the size of a newborn or a little bigger I believe. To a 2 year old that is a big baby. Big Baby had a cloth body and plastic arms and legs with a big plastic head and blinking eyes. I let Big Baby's hair go to blonde dreds, because like me, Big Baby did not care for people combing her knotty hair out. I spent most of my early years with short homemade haircuts because of my refusal to let anyone comb my hair. Naturally curly hair makes for lots of tangles and knots, and one stubborn little girl. Also I rarely dressed Big Baby so she was naked most of the time and dirty because I took outside with me. Big Baby is at my mom's house now, because she couldn't bare to get rid of her.

Yesterday I had my weekly doctor appointment. Cervix is still stable and another negative fFN test. We had a growth scan, which was a surprise to me since I thought we were just doing cervical length. Faith is measuring 4lbs! 90th percentile, one whole week ahead of schedule. My doctor said "Big Baby". We are just shy of 31 weeks. 4lbs sounds so big to me, but good if she comes early we should be all right. If we go to term God help my vagina.

All in all a good appointment, the crib came yesterday so my baby won't be sleeping in a drawer. I am more than ready to be done with bed rest. Ten weeks completed five more to go.

Patience

Oh my hell people! I am going to go bat shit crazy on my MIL any minute now. How one person can annoy the everlovin' crap out of me I do not know. Right now she is tearing my living room apart while she "cleans". I do not claim to be the best housekeeper in the world, not to mention I have been on fucking bedrest for 9 weeks now. I do not need a running commentary on how dirty my house is. I appreciate the cleaning but I could do without the judging.

I need a boatload of patience ASAP.

In other bed rest news. The nursery is no where near ready. What we have is a spare bedroom with piles of baby stuff laying all over the place. It will get done when it get's done.

My cervix is holding stable at 1.1cm. Hooray! Dr. T is very pleased that we are making our way into the 30's. Faith is presenting vertex, or head down. She continues to look strong every week. I am shocked that it's finally the third trimester. Now we just have to make it past 32 weeks.

Here's something I need to say and I hate myself for feeling this way. Particularly because I have fought so hard to be and stay pregnant and I always wanted to punch people who bitch about being pregnant....but I do not enjoy being pregnant....

I know, I should be flogged. I won't list my complaints but I do not have a glow, and this has not been some of the best months of my life.

I am really looking forward to having Faith on the outside and getting my body back to myself, but I am more than willing to wait 6-8 more weeks. I feel like I am running a marathon and I'm at the 20mile mark. Holy shit I've run 20 miles and I feel like ass. Fuck there is 6.2 more miles to go. Hopefully the fuck yeah this is awesome feeling I had with 2 miles left to go will come to me in a few weeks. Then when it's over I will say I totally want to do another one. Until then I feel like I will be slogging out these last few miles.

HOME

My cervix measured 1.1cm on Tuesday, and it's still closed. Faith measured 2lbs 13oz and looked super on the ultrasound. Yesterday we had another negative FFN test. So they discharged me from the hospital and I am back home on bed rest. We are working a schedule so that I am not home alone while DH is at work. That way we can get to the hospital as fast as possible and not have to wait for DH to get home first. This means my in laws are here. A true test of my patience that is for sure (Fox News all day, and incessant judging of our pantry and bathroom supplies. My house will never meet MIL standards) And so it goes.

I'm still having contractions but no more or more intense than they were in the hospital so I guess that means we're stable. I'm glad to be home, but miss the security of the hospital nurses and seeing my OB everyday. That's all I miss though.
29 weeks on Saturday.

GOAL!

28 weeks today. 95% survivability. Whoo Hoo! I thought we'd never get here. Hello 3rd trimester. We had another stable scan this week, my cervix is still .7cm. Thursday the 15th we will do another cervical check and a growth scan of baby Faith. If my cervix stays the same the MFM and my OB will "discuss" the possibility of sending me home to bed rest. Mixed feelings on that. On one hand I want out of the hospital so bad, on the other I like knowing if anything goes wrong we are here already.

I failed the one hour glucose test Tuesday. I was so mad. However I did pass the 3 hour test. I feel for those who have to do that in the doctor's office. It takes forever but at least here I could take a shower, and play on the computer while I waited for the next blood draw.

I had another anxiety attack after my ultrasound. They left me in the room to wait for the MFM to come talk to me, and I had all these flashbacks of my last two miscarriages where the tech left me alone in the stirrups with my dead baby on the screen. I told the MFM I couldn't do that anymore and I would gladly wait out in the hallway for her, but just don't leave me in that room. The way it works here is that I know the day I will have an ultrasound but no idea what time. It's impossible for me to arrange it so I won't be alone. The MFM was nice about it, and said of course they would try not to leave me in the ultrasound room for very long any more. This time I managed the attack without medication.

Yesterday the social worker came again, and I didn't cry or even tear up. Go me. The health educator came too, and brought me some booklets and links on line so we can go through a virtual birth class. I'm still having contractions about 1/hour. Dr. T says that's normal and he's not worried.

I'm starting to feel like we might get a take home baby for real. I am in awe.

27 weeks

It was been a long week here in the hospital bed. Monday I had my ultrasound and my cervix was the same length as the week before .7cm. We also had another negative fFN test. My contractions remain under control with the procardia. So good news all around and Dr. T says if I remain stable after 28 weeks I might be able to go back home to bed rest.

Emotionally Monday I was spent. I had a full blown anxiety attack and kicked a chaplain out of my room. I couldn't calm down, my heart was racing and it felt like a boulder on my chest. My nurse was a super star and took care of me, telling me that this was my house and no one goes through that door without my ok. To clarify the chaplain did nothing, her presence just set me off. I just do not have the mental fortitude right now to talk about anything other than what's happening right now. I cannot rehash my losses and explain my life to another stranger. They ended up giving me a xanax and after a couple hours I was good again. Dr. T. was understanding and good to me. He also gave me wheel chair privileges, so I can outside for 20 minutes a day. The rest of the week has been ok. My mom spent the day with me Wednesday, and DH has been coming in the afternoons and staying until I eat dinner. Dr. T went to the beach for the weekend so the other doctors in my OB practice stop by. I've not met any of them, but so they have been nice. Faith is now breech, which is good for my cervix bad for my bladder. Apparently she is training to be on the Olympic soccer team.

Tuesday I have my weekly cervix check and the dreaded glucose test. I really hope I pass that sucker, having to restrict my diet and be on bed rest would be beyond unfair.