Time Warp *updated

Do you ever hear a song or listen to a cd that swoops you back in time? Today on the way to work I popped in a Beth Orton cd, and suddenly its the summer of 2000 and I am in grad school in Tennessee laying on my bed with headphones during a thunderstorm. That summer was a crazy summer. I was 25. I had an affair with a guy who was living with his girlfriend. I also dated one of my former students and a marine on leave. What the hell was I thinking? My dog was a puppy and my family was still in Indiana. I struggled everyday with wanting quit school and just work. Somehow I finished and on time to boot. I wore overall shorts (I know fashion faux pas). I went to Chicago with former student boy and that was probably one of the more awkward weekends of my life, b/c we hadn't spoken for two weeks prior to the trip. He met my parents, plus he had a small penis (size matters) and a drinking problem.

That was also the summer I tried to go hiking every weekend. I miss doing that. Whoa flashback city.

**I hope I don't sound like a complete whore here, I had been in a monogamous relationship for 4.5 years prior and it took me a year to recover from that relationship. So that summer was a rebound summer for sure.**

zero

Finally my beta is at zero. No more weekly blood draws whoo hoo! My Ob wants me to have an HSG done to make sure my tubes are clear next cycle, boo! I do not look forward to that experience again. Then he says we can try again the following cycle.

I still don't know where I stand on that. On trying again that is. I started therapy up again last week with a new therapist. It was ok, she is into neuro-feedback as well as talk therapy. I'm willing to give it a try. I'm reading Silent Sorority right now and Pamela Jeanne writes so well exactly what I am feeling.

My marriage is in the shitter right now and we've got to work this out before moving forward in any way. I'm not really sure how to approach this, but I am starting with working on me.

questioning

I finally started to bleed and cramp today. My beta dropped yesterday, and with this recent development I am hoping they will continue to drop when I go back to the doctor Wednesday.

This pregnancy has left me reeling and my BFF revealed today that she is expecting again in January. The question that keeps getting asked is will you keep trying? The answer is complicated and truly I just don't know. DH and I have hit a rough patch and need to navigate this mine field. I'm tired of needles, and tired of doctors, tired of waiting, tired of putting my life on hold, tired of being tired. I know I have said these things before, but everything seems pretty pointless and hopeless right now.

Will having a child erase all these feelings? I don't think it will, and it makes me question why are we doing this in the first place. Is this the me I really want to be? Do I like who I have become? Who is this man I am married to, who cannot bear to around children b/c the pain is too great?

Where is the joy in my life? Where is the fun we used to have? If we choose to get off this track will our families support us? Will I be pushing my will on DH? Having a baby will not solve all these problems, nor make our lives less complicated. I really question whether the end justifies the means.

waiting again

My betas have continued to go up slowly, so yesterday my OB/Gyn's nurse called to tell me I needed to go to the hospital to get the methotrexate shot. This was around 10am yesterday and I had full day planned at work, including getting my hair cut and colored. The condition of my roots was beyond critical and I already had rescheduled this hair appointment 3 times. Not to mention one of our congressional representatives was coming to visit our farmers market and had called me directly (well his secretary called) to make sure I would give them the tour. So it would not be possible for me to get to the hospital that is an hour away until after 5pm. I asked if I couldn't go today as it was a better day but no, she felt it was critical I get the shot that day. I don't understand that for a whole week it was all let's just wait and see, and then suddenly it's you gotta get the shot NOW. I mean my beta level was still only 169. So after I met with the congressman, got my haircut and had a meeting with the city I headed to the hospital.

This is a Women's Hospital that I have never been to. It's very nice and the nurses were very compassionate and nice about my situation. Which is very different than anything I have experienced before. I feel good that should I ever actually deliver a baby I would be in good hands there. Ok on with the story. I arrive at the hospital around 6:15 they bring me in quick and take vitals, and explain what is going to happen. I have to explain my story too, which brought out the tears, but not too bad. They have to do a full cbc and another stinking beta. It takes a little over an hour for them to run the blood. Luckily there is a nice shopping center nearby and they said I could leave and come back. At 8pm they call me back, take vitals again go over again what is going to happen (new nurse). The new nurse asks if I have been to see an endocrinologist yet..hah I've been to four. I explain my immune issues and what that means. She asks me if I am in the medical profession, and is shocked when I tell her I am in agriculture. She says you could write a book, like "miscarriages for dummies". Oh bless her heart, I know she meant well but really? We are waiting for the pharmacist to make up the shot. Finally at 8:50pm I get the shot and that is that. They send me on my way. I got home at 10pm.

They gave me conflicting information about when I would start cramping and bleeding. One nurse said within 24 hours and they other said in 3 days. Today I decided to stay home from work because I didn't want to start heavy cramping there, and I was unsure of how the side effects would actually effect me. So far, I am just sensitive to light, and I have dull throbbing headache, which may or may not be from crying for days on end. Otherwise I feel ok, no cramping or bleeding. I go back for another beta on Saturday and have an appointment with my Ob on Wednesday. I really hope this works, and gets through my system quickly.

They said I could go out in the sun as long as I wore a hat and sunscreen which is good because I have some research on two farms that I have to go change and collect the insect traps. And I would like to go running too. Hopefully tomorrow will not be as bloody hot as it has been the last two days. We could really use some rain.

Still in Hell

This is worse than a miscarriage I think. I hate being in limbo. My beta today was 126. This is obviously not a viable pregnancy. It is not obvious if it is ectopic yet. My vein rolled this morning and that hurts like a mother fucker. I hate the ob/gyn office full of glowing preggo women, and then there is me with my scarlet letter screaming INFERTILE or worse "habitual aborter" to scare the others. I fall apart and have panic attacks each time I am there. I'm waiting for Dr. T to call me back and tell me if I can stop the lovenox, and progesterone. I want to know how many beta's does it take for them to decide if I need the methotrexate shot. I don't know how much more my veins can take.