About Me

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North Carolina, United States
I'm a 36yr old, wife, wannabe mom, horticulturalist, halfass knitter, and sometimes runner, searching for my grace

Sunday, July 11, 2010


I finally started to bleed and cramp today. My beta dropped yesterday, and with this recent development I am hoping they will continue to drop when I go back to the doctor Wednesday.

This pregnancy has left me reeling and my BFF revealed today that she is expecting again in January. The question that keeps getting asked is will you keep trying? The answer is complicated and truly I just don't know. DH and I have hit a rough patch and need to navigate this mine field. I'm tired of needles, and tired of doctors, tired of waiting, tired of putting my life on hold, tired of being tired. I know I have said these things before, but everything seems pretty pointless and hopeless right now.

Will having a child erase all these feelings? I don't think it will, and it makes me question why are we doing this in the first place. Is this the me I really want to be? Do I like who I have become? Who is this man I am married to, who cannot bear to around children b/c the pain is too great?

Where is the joy in my life? Where is the fun we used to have? If we choose to get off this track will our families support us? Will I be pushing my will on DH? Having a baby will not solve all these problems, nor make our lives less complicated. I really question whether the end justifies the means.


Panamahat said...

Yes, these are tough questions to answer, and even harder to make decisions about when there are two people with potentially differing opinions involved. I too feel pressure from others to keep 'trying' and I don't think they get the emotional cost (let alone physical cost!) of doing this over and over and over again.

We simply can't heal until we stop prodding the open wound, and that can't happen until we decide to stop TTC. And even if we do end up with a baby, I think you are right that it won't solve all the problems created by the unhappy process of getting there.

It is just HARD. And ultimately you have to follow your heart and do what is right to best preserve you and your health.

Take care, my friend. x

Sue said...

I don't know if you can ever be sure you have the answer or you've made the right decision. I think you just have take your time and make the choice that seems best for you. I'm really sorry - I wish there was an easier way.

Stacey said...

I just want to tell you again how very sorry I am that you are going through this.

As far as the questions and the decision-making, I could definitely see both sides of the coin. After I lost six babies, I wondered if it was worth it to keep trying anymore. Even now I have a hard time with those words: "worth it." Sure, having a baby is worth all the time and tears and effort and waiting I'd put in, but losing those six was hard. Almost impossible to deal with and something I'll probably never fully get over. I encourage people to keep trying for as long as they want to or can, but I always support the decision to stop as well. I'm just sorry this is such a tough road.

Birdie said...

I just want to say that I'm so sorry for all that you're going through. I will be praying for you. I can understand some of your feelings b/c I recently had my 4th miscarriage. You're not alone.