Scraps

I've been nominated for Honest Scraps, and I think this means I am supposed to list seven or 10 honest scraps about myself

1. In high school and early college I told people I never wanted to have children. I thought they would tangle up my life, and babies are messy and loud. I was loudly pro choice and thought if I ever married I would definitely keep my last name. Fast forward 15 years and I took my husbands name and really want children even if they are loud and messy. I am quietly pro choice.

2. I never knew my maternal grandmother, she died when I was 2. She is a mystery to me and I wish I knew more.

3. I wanted to be a vet until I got a D in Chemistry my freshman year of college. That grade ruined all chances of vet school. I turned to horticulture on a whim and found solace in the greenhouse.

4. My boyfriend in college was/is a drug addict. I kept thinking he would grow out of it and wasted a couple of years being with him instead of having fun. Leaving him was very hard. I had to leave Colorado and start my life over. It was one of the very best decisions I have made.

5. My husband has no idea I have a blog

6. I have no idea what my natural hair color is, I've been dyeing it regularly since 1998, when a friend pointed out my first grays.

7. My black cat Elvis brings me such joy. Even on my worst days his little face will bring me a smile, and then he will head butt me.

8. I worry that I don't edit myself enough around people and maybe say things I shouldn't.

9. I'm afraid of sharks. I won't go out in the ocean past my waist, even though I know the sharks come in that close, but somehow I'm safer that way. Jaws really fucked me up.

10. I have a tattoo of a sunflower on my hip

Still Waiting.....

Ok I have a secret..... I love the Dixie Chicks.... I know I'm a cornball, but I do. I have been listening to the song, "Not ready to make nice". Part of the chorus is "Forgive..sounds good, forget I'm not sure I could. They say time heals everything, but I'm still waiting"

I'm still waiting to feel like a whole person again

I'm still waiting to freaking ovulate...is anyone else perplexed by opk's?

I'm still waiting for my asparagus crowns to arrive

I'm still waiting for my niece to be born

I'm still waiting for grace and peace in my heart

I'm still waiting for more patience

I'm still waiting to stop crying

Tomorrow is my due date, I plan to take the day off. Taking a personal day to reflect and cry, putter around the house and take a long run, fix a nice dinner and hang out with my pets and dh.

Things I saw on the way to work

1. My neighbors big orange cat, who I love and want to steal, but he really wants nothing to do with me

2. Baby goats at the farm just past the Elementary school. They must have kidded (is that the right term?) in the last week. So tiny and cute even though they are smelly

3. A pick up truck stacked up with rusted out push lawnmowers. WTF? Maybe he was going to the scrap metal place

4. Cows in the woods next to the pasture

5. A stationary bike next to the plowed up garden in the pasture. I'm not sure of it's purpose if I ever see the farmer there I will stop and ask.

6. Daffodils coming up in the gardens around my office.

It's February 11th and the weather is like April which is messing everything up plantwise. Today's high is 71 a week ago today it snowed and the schools were closed. But Global warming is not real....whatever

Let it Begin...

Today is my first day of Fem.ara. My period is kicking my ass with cramps and fucking large clots. Seriously what the hell? So my lovely nurse Mia called yesterday to give me the protocol. Take Fem.ara 5mg, days 3-8. DO NOT GET PREGNANT, get blood drawn on day 21 to see if I o'd. If I did ovulate then next cycle start trying. Sometimes I wonder if Mia reads my chart b/c I always ovulate. Duh, I'm freaking fertile myrtle with a shithead uterus. The Fem.ara is to see if I can ovulate sooner. Why do you need to ovulate sooner AmyLynn? I don't know. It really doesn't seem to effect my ability to conceive. But maybe ovulating sooner will help me make a better lining.

I had a big fight with my DH last night about all this shit. He was raving about having is chromosomes tested b/c the hospital bill was $1200 for the test. Now that is before the insurance. When my chromosomes were tested two years ago I didn't have to pay anything. So most likely we will have to may the remaining part of his deductible and that's it. He was all I knew there was nothing wrong with me, it was stupid to have that test done. I said we had to rule out any translocations. He said you wouldn't have kept getting pg if there was something wrong with me. Damnit yes I could have. FYI his chromosomes are normal.

I have had countless tests done, he has had one. For the love of Pete get over yourself. Again I admit this must be all my fault. It is my fucked up uterus that is causing the problems. So I ask him do you want to have kids or not? B/C I am not going through this alone. He says yes but asks again why are the doctors saying I need to take these drugs. We have had this conversation at least 3 times. I don't think he listens to me ever. I tell him again. They are treating me empirically they do not know if this will work. I have no known clotting disorders. There are no statistics to tell us anything for someone like me. I am a minority within a minority. There is little research on RPL, let alone unexplained RPL. Statistically eventually I will carry a baby to term, they just don't know how many losses I will suffer first. So if there is a remote possibility that this will help me carry to term I will do it. B/C I cannot take anymore loss. WE cannot take anymore loss.

So this is it, let it begin...