plan A

Plan A is this: I am going on a spiritual retreat in the mountains at a Catholic monastery. Find peace with God. Find my joy again. Go on BCP for 7 months. Run two half marathons(November and December) and the Myrtle Beach Marathon in February. In March go off BCP, round of clomid with trigger shot, timed intercourse, baby aspirin, and begin heparin after a gestational sac is identified by ultrasound. If this is not successful then it may be on to plan B.

Plan B is not determined yet, but possibly adoption.

....

I decided to do the mispostal on Thursday. The pain was not bad, but the amount of blood was overwhelming. After all of that I was unable to collect the gestational sac. The doctors think it may have dissolved or come out in pieces. So no testing. I am still cramping and bleeding now. The scan on Sunday showed some debris and endometrial lining that had yet to pass. Right now my uterus and I are very unhappy. She hates me and I hate her right now. I am waiting to hear from my RE to discuss where we go from here. I plan to take a break from ttc until March. But I need a plan in place for when we do ttc so I can rest easy. Well maybe a little easy. My clinic was very good to me, calling me often and bringing me in on a Sunday for a scan. I am glad I went back to them instead of staying with my OB. I'm exhausted and plan to only work half days this week. My boss said I could go on FMLA if I needed to. I will think about that later.

no heartbeat

My embryo died last week. The u/s scan showed no heartbeat. I haven't started to miscarry yet, in fact my pg symptoms are still here. I have to decide what to do by Thursday this week. If I don't start to miscarry I have to decide between a D&C or a medicated miscarriage. I really don't want anymore surgeries but I also can't stand the idea of carrying this around with me for weeks waiting for the miscarriage to start. I am worried about the medicine I don't know what to expect. Has anyone done this before? The doctors are clueless and are saying I should consider adoption or surrogacy. Right now I just want the world to stop, but instead I am at this conference. We will be taking a break for now from either exploring adoption or ttc for at least six months maybe longer. I can't do this anymore. Please keep me in your prayers because my faith in God and myself is really shaken.

Blue

You are most like: You are Blue
You are cool and soothing, with a hidden spontaneous side. You are deeper than most people perceive, and you care a lot for those whom you surround yourself with.
Take this quiz: Which Crayola Box of 8 Color Are You?
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So blue is my crayon, which makes sense to me, I have always loved the color blue. I'm still seeing my Chinese herbalist/acupuncturist. Stinky tea for me. Last night I had to work late and so we ate dinner late, and even though I was so so so tired I could not fall asleep. I ended up going upstairs to sleep in the guest bed so I wouldn't disturb my DH with all my tossing and turning. I have been having very strange dreams when I do fall asleep and I usually wake up sweaty especially on my chest. I'm not sure if this is the herbs, the pregnancy, prometrium or all of the above.

My brother called yesterday to tell me about their first u/s. My SIL is due 3/3/09. I am secretly relieved that my baby is due first 2/19/09 (that is if we make it that far). This is the first time I have written the due date. I don't like to know that information, even though my brain always calculates it for me. So my brother said that they have a dot with a flashing light. He cracks me up.

I have my doctor appt. Friday with the "nurse educator", I am thinking about asking if we could do a quick u/s just to check on my "amoeba" (that's what my mom said the picture looked like). It seems that at this practice ultrasounds and OB appointments are separate. Different than what I'm used to. But I may just go over there and see if they will give me a quick peek. I'm scheduled for another u/s July 17th but that seems far away.

My work is keeping me very busy and we are hosting a large national conference starting Friday and I will be away from the office for a whole week. So the conference is definitely keeping me occupied and not stressing out about the baby. For the first time I actually feel pretty calm about this.

quick update

2nd u/s went well. Baby has grown and the heartrate is 140bpm now. I go back for another u/s in two weeks. My cervix looks good and the doctor talked to me about how they would monitor for ic. So that's good. These next two weeks are the scary weeks where I have m/c'd before. I will post more later.

stitching it up

So this week my obsession has been learning about incompetent cervix's and how to determine if you need a cervical cerclage or a stitched up cervix. My cervix has been manually dilated five time in two years. Writing that makes me envision a doctor just turning a dial in your vagina. But it is much more involved than that and it hurts like a mofo. The two times I was conscious during it I thought I was going to die. So anyway because the doctors have messed with my cervix so much it could potentially be weakened. Dr. Google tells me they don't usually do a cerclage unless you have had a 2nd trimester m/c previously. But my glorious friends on the MA board say I should definitely have mine checked out b/c it could be a problem. So tomorrow at my u/s I plan to ask Dr.S the ultrasound lady to measure my cervix and let me know what she thinks. My OB Dr. F is too busy doing surgery's to mess with me. My appointment next week with the "nurse educator". When I asked the glib little scheduler why I was meeting with the "nurse educator", she said she (the nurse educator) would take all my information and history and then determine which doctor I should see. I said but I am already Dr. F's patient, she said that's the way they do new OB patients, and with my history I may be placed with the "high risk" doctor.

Hello why are they doing this now? How am I new since I've been seeing her since October? And does it take a fifth miscarriage to suddenly make me high risk? WTF?

So far no spotting or cramping. My boobs are sore and I am tired and sometimes I feel a little nausea but no puking. My face is breaking out like crazy.

Dear God- Please let my baby still be there with a beating heart tomorrow, and growing like it should be. I'm trying my best to be calm and give my worries to you b/c I know you will take care of things.