Hold on to your hats we're in for a bumpy ride

After my musing on when to POAS, I did anyway on CD 24, thinking it's so early it will be negative and then the damn stick won't be calling me from the bathroom drawer. So I took the test and as expected it was BFN I threw it away satisfied that it was too early to tell. Hours later I dug the test out of the trash and to my surprise I saw a very faint positive line. WTF!!! Why must you fuck with my head? Next day I talk to my RE nurse and she said my progesterone results were back and I did in fact ovulate as my level was 5.1. Seriously folks I'm pretty sure I must have ovulated maybe hours before the blood test. So I tell my nurse about my crazy HPT and ask her what should I do. She says well lets do a beta HCG on Monday along with your progesterone test. Great! It's Friday how will I restrain myself from POAS? I cannot and proceed to take five tests over the weekend all of which were negative, even after sitting in the trash for a few hours. So now I am convinced it was a fluke thing and I am not pregnant. But I still have to have the blood test on Monday (today). Nurse RE calls me and asks when was my LMP and my HCG levels are positive but really really low (13). Here's the thing according to my temps and the OPK's I ovulated on cd 20. Today is CD 28 so that's only 8 dpo. That little embryo should have only just implanted itself. AAAAHHHHH!!!! I wish that I had not had the test done at all. I go back on Wednesday for more blood to see if my levels are doubling. If they are doubling it's just really really early if not well we've been down that road before just not so early. I hate this.

POAS

Ok so now I am 4 dpo and of course my mind starts doing calculations as to how soon can I POAS. I have this running argument in my head, part of me wants to POAS on 10dpo, another part says what good is that information b/c it will be too early. If I have a BFP and they do an u/s we won't see anything. The other part argues but what if you need to take progesterone, they won't know that if you don't take the test. My RE sent another work order for me to have blood drawn on Monday, b/c the one they did this past one did not have enough progesterone as I was ovulating that day. The nurse did say that the clomid should make my cycles more normal ie.28 days. My body does not want to have a 28 day cycle. Since this whole fiasco started I have had a total of 3, 28 day cycles. My body wants to be a 30-32 day girl. Metformin at 2000mg gave me one 28 day cycle and daily diarrhea for 18mos. Acupuncture gave me one 28 day cycle. An HSG gave me a 28 day cycle. Otherwise I am always 30-32 days. I have had a few 39 and 40 day cycles too.

So anyway my RE nurse said that if I got a BFP and my progesterone levels were not high they would probably prescribe some Progesterone. I know the jury is out about Progesterone, but it would make me feel better. My third pregnancy I had a very early u/s at 5 wks LMP and my RE said he didn't think my lining was thick enough for a pregnancy. This makes me want to take progesterone now even though I may or may not be pg. However I did do progesterone suppositories for my 4th pg, and obviously it didn't help me carry.

My goal is to force myself to wait until April 7 which will be 14dpo to POAS. It's so hard... not to analyze every damn thing my body is doing, my boobs are tender but I also feel crampy, but maybe that's just my ute moving around to make room.
I am crazy its only 4dpo too early for implantation? This is the worst part of TTC.

CD21

On freaking CD 20 I finally got a positive on my OPK. I thought the clomid was supposed to make me ovulate sooner. Instead my body decides to keep to it's late as usual schedule. I had to have a blood draw this morning for my progesterone levels, and I know they will come back low, since I am ovulating now instead of a week ago. This means they will probably make me go back next week on CD 28 for another one. I used to faint when I had blood drawn, but now I am a pro. I guess that's one thing infertility has done for me, gotten me past my needle phobia. I am so tired of being in this in between state. I have gained 25 pounds over the last two and half years. I have been pregnant or trying to get pregnant that whole time. After my last m/c I wanted to train for a half marathon and get my body back in shape. But I was diagnosed with a septate u. and was scheduled for surgery two days before the race I registered for. I know I am making excuses for not running as much as I would like. I know they say running does not make you m/c, but I want to make sure I do everything I can to carry successfully. I am frustrated with everything. I want to move forward this holding pattern is getting really old. I really hope this cycle works and is successful.

stupid opk

I have yet to master the opk's. My cm and temps are telling me that I am about to ovulate. But the stupid test keeps giving me negative. So I will go to the drugstore today and drop some more money on the tests. I am on CD 16. I usually ovulate around CD 19, but this month I did a round of Clomid. Will this make me ovulate sooner or later? Meanwhile, I feel crummy and not in the mood for love. Last month I o'd on CD 17, but I also had an SHG on CD 10. My last pregnancy I used the OPK and I thought I missed my o b/c I never got a postive OPK, but then I on CD 31 I had a BFP. The test should not be this difficult for me to read. Another I am mad about is cancer. My secretary's mother is dying from cancer. She is riddled with it. This is the third person in the last six months who has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. Two of my good friend's fathers and now my secretary's mother. It's so awful and sad and frustrating. Damn cancer....

Dear Body

Dear Body- Hmmm.... where do I start? I know I have not been the best of partners through the years. In high school I did not feed you well enough due to my need to be thin. In college I abused you more by binge drinking and other things. In the last decade I have really tried to do better. I have pushed you beyond my expectations by running and training for two marathons and finishing one. I really thought having a baby would be easy comparitively. But body you have let me down a few too many times. Four times in the last 2 years to be exact. I struggle to understand why you can't just do what I want you to do. I know, I have control issues. I am working on letting things happen, even if they aren't according to plans. I also know you are tired. Tired of all the needles, the blood draws, the emotional upheaval. The surgery in Nov. hopefully put an end to this drama. And to top off our regular dose of Zoloft we have added Clomid this cycle. The side effects have not been so bad, but I begin to wonder will I ever have the body I once had. Probably not. We are forever changed by the four miscarriages, the hormone surges and all things attached. So my dear body, as we celebrate our 33rd year together tomorrow, I want to start fresh. I want to listen more carefully to your needs and make sure I give you the rest and nourishment you need, so that you can hopefully nourish our baby. I'm sorry I have been so angry with you. We are a team and I respect you. Let's make this the best year yet.
love,
me