welcome to hell

HCG level yesterday 76

HCG level today 96

u/s showed empty ute, and tubes.

OB says get back on crinone and start taking lovenox, beta test again Thursday.

Still waiting to hear back from Dr. C in Chicago, and clinic in SC.

My world just crashed in, and I am fighting for air......

**update: both clinics are of the opinion that this is an ectopic pg, but feel I should stay with my ob for monitoring and any follow up.

HCG levels

I think my HCG levels have increased.. WTF? I still haven't started to bleed, and my breasts are tender. This morning I took an HPT and the line came up pretty quick and much darker than the faint tests I had on Wednesday. What does this mean? Is it ectopic? How long before they can determine that? Poop.

over

It's over, beta #2 was 16, levels are dropping. The clinic is calling it a chemical pregnancy. Honestly I am relieved. The anxiety and agony of waiting for these results, all the while not feeling pregnant and not feeling good at all about this cycle. I felt a HUGE weight off my shoulders when the call came in. They took more blood tests for an APA and RIP to see if they can see what goes on in my body when I am pregnant even if it is just a little pregnant. I have a phone consult to go over the results in July 8th, and maybe it will add some more pieces to the puzzle of my RPL. Thank you all for your support and loving comments. I hope you don't think less of me, because I am not devastated by this loss. In some ways I feel like it doesn't count. I still want to have a baby, I want to be pregnant. I still believe this is possible.

beta

My beta was positive but my number was very dismal at 17.6 . I do not have a good feeling. I'm waiting to hear back from the clinic in Chicago to see what they want me to do. I'm inclined to wait for a second beta to see if the numbers are doubling. Still the last time I had a beta this low it was considered a chemical pregnancy, there was no development at 6 weeks, pg#5, also with clomid.
bah...

why do I do this?

Tests #3, and 4 were lily white negatives, so at 12dpo I called it, and told DH we would need to try again. But then I started thinking about when I actually ovulated versus when they gave me the trigger shot. So they gave me the trigger shot on June 7 (Monday) so technically I ovulated 36 hours later on Tuesday June 8th. So really yesterday was 11dpo right? Making today 12dpo and of course I POAS. there is a very very very very faint line. My beta is tomorrow and I withheld the urge to run out and buy an expensive FREPT b/c tomorrow we will know for sure. So I have studied a pee stick most of the day. What kind of freak am I?

test # 2

still negative, but it's still early. still hopeful... sort of

mind f*ck

Ok, so I tested on Sunday (6dpo) afternoon, and got a BFN, but that was not fresh morning pee so I thought I should test again this morning and again BFN. So I assume this means the trigger is out of my system at 8dpo. I am worried this means maybe it didn't work. No one else seems to have their trigger gone this early. Maybe my cheap internet tests are no good. Last time I tested positive at 11dpo w/internet cheapies. I wish I would have tested earlier to know how long the trigger lasted in my system. I still have a little hope b/c this morning I woke up and my sense of smell seems to be uber sensitive and my breasts are slightly sore.

I hate when I do this to myself. I have been going running just 2 miles and slow, also listening to my relaxation cd which is helpful too. My plan is to test again Thursday and Friday. The timing of all this is almost exactly the same as last time, hopefully this one will have a better outcome.

I feel like a crazy maniac.

2 week wait

I am now officially in the middle of my 2ww. We triggered last Monday, I had one follie that was 19. That doesn't sound very big based on my Dr. Google research but the doctors and nurses felt good about it so there you go. We followed our instructions on intercourse and then some, for added coverage and now it's the waiting game. I've read that you can try to home test starting 8-10 days past trigger and not get a false positive. Anyone had any experience with this? I have my beta June 21 which will be 14dpo (or trigger). I don't think I can hold out that long. I am worried about making travel plans to Chicago if I get a positive and I want to get intralipid therapy ASAP if I am pg.

The biggest bummer of my appointment on Monday was the nurse said absolutely no exercise until my beta. Shit, I have gained close to 4 pounds since we started meds. I need to run and go to the gym for my sanity. She said I could walk, but I just don't get the same endorphins from that. For me exercise has taken the place of my antidepressant. She specifically said no twisting so I'm thinking a slow easy run would be ok. And maybe my Pump class as long as I pass on the abs part. I know ME and Body Combat would be out, which is more sad b/c I love those classes. I just have to keep my eye on the prize, and not turn into a giant bowl of cookie dough.

stupid ovaries

I'm responding to the meds but my follies are not big enough to trigger. Only 14mm, so I have to take mena.pur until Sunday, go back to the clinic Monday and hopefully trigger. My E2 was 189. I don't know what that means but the nurse told me it was good and I was responding. It's only CD11, I never ever ovulate naturally before CD19 and with femara I did o on CD14. So technically this is a good cycle. I was just hoping that it would all look good this morning and we would trigger today. If my clinic wasn't a 300mile round trip drive it wouldn't be so bad. And really it's not bad. just mildly irritating.... In other news my family is having a war on fa.ce.book which is stupid, but I also responded in an e-mail not a wall post to my cousin that she was out of line talking to my dad like that. So now I've got that to deal with too. Again in the grand scheme not a big deal just mildly irritating. I had a good cry on the way home from the clinic. I really haven't cried like that in a long time. Meds, hormones, disappointment, I don't know.

I'm watching Law & Order my comfort show right now. Old episodes are awesome. I heart Lenny Brisco.