crossroads

It's been two weeks since my baby died. The first week was spent frantically trying to schedule a d&c, with anesthesia and a doctor I knew. The second week spent travelling to Indiana for my cousin's wedding and distracting myself with books on CD and long visits with a dear friend. Yesterday it all came crashing in again.

I truly don't know where we will go from here. For the first time I can picture my life without children, but with that I can also picture myself trying again.

Hope can be one strong bitch when she wants to be.

My fertility monitor told me I am ovulating today. Interesting because I am still bleeding from the d&c. Our bodies are weird contraptions.

So what I want to do right now is crawl back into bed and not face the world, but I can't do that forever. Right now I am just going through the motions.

#7

The ultrasound on Monday showed no heartbeat. My baby died sometime on Friday or Saturday. I will have a d&c on Friday. Fucking deja vu all over again. Fool me once shame on you, fool me 7 times, for fuck's sake what's wrong with me? How many times can a person be kicked down before they decide they don't want to get up anymore? I can't do this anymore. I'm not sure where we will go from here, but I will be out of Internet land for awhile. I'm in the public library and the pregnant librarian is discussing how she will decorate her nursery. I need to get out of here.

Scan 3

I think I might actually have a real live baby. Today I measured 8 weeks 4 days, and it actually looked like something other than a blob. It had a head and arm buds and leg buds, and it actually wiggled around. It was amazing. The first u/s where I didn't cry. The heart rate was 188bpm.

I'm starting to believe this might actually happen...