CD21

On freaking CD 20 I finally got a positive on my OPK. I thought the clomid was supposed to make me ovulate sooner. Instead my body decides to keep to it's late as usual schedule. I had to have a blood draw this morning for my progesterone levels, and I know they will come back low, since I am ovulating now instead of a week ago. This means they will probably make me go back next week on CD 28 for another one. I used to faint when I had blood drawn, but now I am a pro. I guess that's one thing infertility has done for me, gotten me past my needle phobia. I am so tired of being in this in between state. I have gained 25 pounds over the last two and half years. I have been pregnant or trying to get pregnant that whole time. After my last m/c I wanted to train for a half marathon and get my body back in shape. But I was diagnosed with a septate u. and was scheduled for surgery two days before the race I registered for. I know I am making excuses for not running as much as I would like. I know they say running does not make you m/c, but I want to make sure I do everything I can to carry successfully. I am frustrated with everything. I want to move forward this holding pattern is getting really old. I really hope this cycle works and is successful.

stupid opk

I have yet to master the opk's. My cm and temps are telling me that I am about to ovulate. But the stupid test keeps giving me negative. So I will go to the drugstore today and drop some more money on the tests. I am on CD 16. I usually ovulate around CD 19, but this month I did a round of Clomid. Will this make me ovulate sooner or later? Meanwhile, I feel crummy and not in the mood for love. Last month I o'd on CD 17, but I also had an SHG on CD 10. My last pregnancy I used the OPK and I thought I missed my o b/c I never got a postive OPK, but then I on CD 31 I had a BFP. The test should not be this difficult for me to read. Another I am mad about is cancer. My secretary's mother is dying from cancer. She is riddled with it. This is the third person in the last six months who has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. Two of my good friend's fathers and now my secretary's mother. It's so awful and sad and frustrating. Damn cancer....

Dear Body

Dear Body- Hmmm.... where do I start? I know I have not been the best of partners through the years. In high school I did not feed you well enough due to my need to be thin. In college I abused you more by binge drinking and other things. In the last decade I have really tried to do better. I have pushed you beyond my expectations by running and training for two marathons and finishing one. I really thought having a baby would be easy comparitively. But body you have let me down a few too many times. Four times in the last 2 years to be exact. I struggle to understand why you can't just do what I want you to do. I know, I have control issues. I am working on letting things happen, even if they aren't according to plans. I also know you are tired. Tired of all the needles, the blood draws, the emotional upheaval. The surgery in Nov. hopefully put an end to this drama. And to top off our regular dose of Zoloft we have added Clomid this cycle. The side effects have not been so bad, but I begin to wonder will I ever have the body I once had. Probably not. We are forever changed by the four miscarriages, the hormone surges and all things attached. So my dear body, as we celebrate our 33rd year together tomorrow, I want to start fresh. I want to listen more carefully to your needs and make sure I give you the rest and nourishment you need, so that you can hopefully nourish our baby. I'm sorry I have been so angry with you. We are a team and I respect you. Let's make this the best year yet.
love,
me