About Me

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North Carolina, United States
I'm a 36yr old, wife, wannabe mom, horticulturalist, halfass knitter, and sometimes runner, searching for my grace

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

imaginary time lines

Next week it will be five years since my first miscarriage. Five years and 8 pregnancies later still no baby. Do you ever put imaginary time lines or limits on things? Like I need to finish this race in a certain time. If I don't make that goal, I'm terrible disappointed in myself and then feel obligated to race again in order to try again to achieve that time. Does anything happen if I don't achieve this goal? no. Just me beating myself up again. Seven times I dusted myself off after saying this is it, no more I just cannot do this anymore. Yet here I am again with a tiny glimmer of hope in my heart to try one more time.

During my second miscarriage I was in the OB's office sobbing asking why? why does this happen and she said "I don't know, just keep trying. I had a patient who had 7 miscarriages before she carried to term." I remember thinking 7, whoa I could never do that. I won't be like that I couldn't possibly survive that much loss. And yet here I stand. I know someone who had 13 losses before having her daughter and I've always thought "man that took some guts". For some reason double digits really push my imaginary boundaries. But that's why you keep trying because of stories like that, because maybe this will be the one that will stick.

A fellow RPL sufferer is really hurting now and my heart just aches for her. It makes me want to scream and punch and kick. F.U. God why does this happen? But it does happen. I want so badly to have a reason this happens a problem that can be solved, an illness that can be cured. And for some it is as easy as that, and for others it just isn't.

So next Friday is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, I will light a candle as I remember my lost children and those lost by my sisters. I just thought about saying Tip a 40 for my homies... but that sounds a little crass. But maybe it made you laugh a little.

Things on the marriage front are improving, and I'm continuing with therapy, acupuncture and herbs. My cycle is still wonky as in it's cd 23 and I still haven't ovulated... c'mon stupid ovaries. If things continue to improve we might ttc in January.

We leave for the Outer Banks on the 17th and I CANNOT WAIT... I just hope it warms up a little. but even if it doesn't it will be a much needed vacation.

I'm contetmplating another 1/2 marathon in December b/c I would really like to shave 10 more minutes off my time, but it's a hilly course and the weather could be dreadful. If I train now I could possibly drop those last 5-7 pounds I want to lose. See imaginary goals and timelines. But a good distraction from my SIL's second child due Dec. 12.

onward and upward right?


Misfits said...

I love the OB (not the gyn kind, the lovely sandy beach kind).

I think of those double digits and also freak out a little. Look at me whining on about 3 years, I can only imagine your journey to here.

I'll take your tipped 40 and raise you glass of wine to say thanks. My thoughts are with you and I look forward to hearing about your vacation!

Kelly said...

Those imaginary timelines that we place on ourselves are the worst, I think. I also agree that so often I've though...oh, I could never do that. Yet, here I am.

Your "crass" comment did make me giggle.

So glad that you have your OBX vacation to look forward to. Mine isn't until August and that's just way too long away. Where are you going?

Andie said...

I am glad that things are improving for you. That's great to hear.

I know what you mean about the deadlines - but nothing I write is coming out right. I never thgouht it would take us this long or that we would go through what we have and still be trying...but here we are.

Good Timing said...

I totally get what you mean about timelines. I know that I have not suffered the number of losses you have nor have I tried as long, but I think we are all struggling in the same kind of way. Thinking of you and admiring your spirit...Have a fabulous holiday! You deserve it!

Sue said...

I'll be thinking of you next Friday, and I hope your much needed vacation is wonderful.

JJ said...

Will we get to see you on the 30th? :)
Enjoy your vacation--hope its a great time of rejuvenation and relaxation!

Grad3 said...

You make me proud to be woman and a recovering RPL'er. You are what I wish I could have been but I lacked the courage.

Your strength and ability to hold on to yourself throughout this life trail is absolutely inspiring. You are truly an amazing person.

I hope you find relaxation on your vacation, it has been earned and then some. xoxo