I went for an acupuncture nutrition appointment, which turned into more of a TCM (traditional Chinese medicine) appt. I've done this before, but each time I got pg really quick instead of giving my body a few months with the herbs and acupuncture. M.M. the TCM doc says that my YIN is all depleted as is my blood. She says I need to give my body time to rebuild from all the loss. She also feels it takes everything I have to produce and egg and once an embryo implants I have nothing left to sustain it. She wants us to wait at least 3 months before ttc again, and truly it might be longer. I am willing to give it whirl, and I think there is merit in TCM. So I left with a bottle full of herb granules to dissolve in water, and floating after an acupuncture treatment. I heart acupuncture.
My therapy and neurofeedback is progressing well. Last week she had me relive my first miscarriage. Very heavy stuff. But I am feeling stronger everyday. I was able to handle an awkward confrontation with my MIL, where she asked me why we didn't just get a surrogate? (as if they fall from trees or something). She also told she always thought she would be a grandmother. Instead of seething with anger or crying I calmly told her I wanted her to be a grandmother too, but that might not happen. I also explained that getting a surrogate was a difficult process and right now our marriage and building a healthy relationship was more important. Not to mention the fertility drugs, the cost, and so on. So points for me.
But then last night DH and I had another whopper of a fight. Where he told me I was hateful and used sex as a weapon. I don't think I use sex as a weapon, but why does he feel this way? He said he was depressed and unhappy and I was making it worse. I countered that he is an angry bitter man who is difficult to be around. Major loss of points.
Clearly we really have some problems. I am going to suggest we see a marriage counselor. Someone neutral who doesn't know either of us. There has to be a way we can grow and evolve together. I love this messed up man, but I will not let him take me back on another downward spiral. I cannot fix him, and I cannot make him want to get well. But I can continue to do what is best for me to continue to heal.
At this point ttc is not in the picture or even on the horizon. There are much more important things right now.