About Me

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North Carolina, United States
I'm a 36yr old, wife, wannabe mom, horticulturalist, halfass knitter, and sometimes runner, searching for my grace

Friday, February 19, 2010

eating my words

Remember how I said I was getting used to the idea that maybe we wouldn't have kids....

Well I know my co-worker is pregnant again...she has not told me but my pg radar is going off like crazy and I expect an announcement any day now. And how do I feel about this?

Sad...angry...woe... Why not me? how come the rest of the world has such an easy time with this and I have death and destruction? crying in my office feeling like a failure at everything I do. Wanting to be a better person than this, wanting to be stronger.

I just had my year end evaluation (in Feb. I know) for work and I was told I need to work harder at my attitude and relationships with my co-workers. I need to "be sweet" but in the same sentence I was told I do an excellent job. I'm sorry I can't be pollyana sunshine every fucking day when it feel like the world is against me.

Fuck I need to pull myself together and get over myself.... Sorry for the rant but I guess that is what this blog is for.

ps.. I could really use a xanax right now anxiety is not my friend


Seed.Sprout.Swell said...

Ugh. Life is so frustrating when everything seems so unfair. It is hard to be all sunshine and rainbows every day when there is so much uncertainty about something so important. It consumes all of our energy.

That being said, I did the xanax thing for about 3 months, and while it did provide temporary relief, coming off of it was hell. I stopped taking it about a week ago and I'm just starting to feel better/normal. I wish I had dealt with my emotions in other ways instead of putting those terrible chemicals into my body.

My BFF is TTC right now, and we are together all day, every day. We co-teach high-school Reading together. She has two beautiful, healthy sons already. I really cannot go into details, but I'll just say that there are some things about her life right now which make having another child a very bad idea (in my very judgmental opinion). That, coupled with the fact that I don't know if I'll EVER be able to have a healthy child, and knowing that she is actively TTC (and even talks about it to me sometimes!), makes every day extremely difficult. I am full of anger and jealousy, and I hate it. Sometimes I feel like if she gets preg again and I don't, I will have to get another job and move away to get away from her. I feel awful admitting this, but there are my true feelings and I cannot deny them.

I guess the point of this rant is to let you know that I understand at least a little bit how you feel. I can't even blog about this shit for obvious reasons. It eats me up. If you want to vent/talk/bitch/etc...my email is:

p.s. I am also a halfass crocheter and part-time runner.


Panamahat said...

I feel your pain and am sorry you are having such a tough time. The 'other people are pregnant' thing is never never never easy. And it is awful to feel bad. I hate being right in the middle of anger, sadness, grief and overwhelming frustration, it is just SO HARD.

Sorry, also, that there is no easy answer, no click-your-fingers solution. It is kind of comforting to know other people can truly understand what you are going through, but knowing that doesn't actually make being able to deal with what you are going through much easier.

But we ARE here to listen, so vent away. Better out than in, my love.