healing

My retreat in the mountains was truly a healing experience for me. I truly felt the presence of God and some peace in my heart. Trying to get that feeling back is a little more difficult, but I am working on it. My husband is having a hard time with my brother and SIL pregnancy. Surprising to me that it is him and not me having these feelings. He is so angry at our situation, and I don't have any words to make it better. Infertility is a difficult topic I think for most men to discuss. So he chooses not to discuss it all. Bottled up feelings come out in unexpected situations focused in strange directions. The fact of the matter is people we love and know will have babies whether we like it or not. So we must find a healthy way to deal with it and be happy. I have been gathering information about adoption just to learn more about what is involved. Meanwhile, I finished my first cycle of BCP and I didn't really have a period, just more spotting like I had been for the previous six weeks. At least the spotting finally stopped when I started the next cycle of pills.

spotting

So I am still spotting three weeks after the miscarriage. I spoke with my dr. last night and she said it's normal and not to worry. I'm really not worried, just annoyed. For crying out loud, please give me a day without pads or pantyliners.

It's been brutally hot and humid here this week. I've worked more than 10 hours a day everyday this week too. This is my lame excuse for not running at all this week. I signed up for a 10K next month so I really need to get my ass in gear. I haven't run more than 45 minutes in a very long time. And I am much slower than I used to be.

I leave on Monday for my retreat in the mountains. I am excited and nervous. I am excited about being in the mountains and experiencing the quiet. I am a little nervous about exploring my ideas on faith and God. I have been so angry and without faith for so long. I want, I need to have that belief and love back in my life. I hope to come back from this retreat a better person, or at least feel better about myself.

My husband does not understand my need to go, but is trying to be supportive nonetheless.