support?

So yesterday I went to a local hospital to meet with a support group for women who have had miscarriages, stillbirths, or infant loss. This group was to be organized by the hospital's women's resource center. Well I was the only one who came aside from the woman who organized it. We had a nice chat and she apologized that no one else came even though six other women told her they were coming. So she asked me some questions that I found interesting and got me to thinking. She asked me what had been helpful during my losses and what had not. I don't think you every truly recover from a loss. In my case I felt very bonded to each of my babies and I think of them that way. Their due dates are etched in my brain. Still I believe that a stillbirth or infant loss would be infinitely harder to endure. In addition to mourning my losses, I mourn the loss of excitement and joy one has when seeing that BFP. That feeling is forever gone for me, replaced by fear and trepidation. So what was helpful to me? I know more than anything the Internet helped me. Knowing there were other people out there experiencing the same thing made me feel less alone. Maybe this is a virtual support group. When everyone around you appears to pop out babies with no problems, it's very depressing. After reading so many stories some positive, some not it gave me strength to keep going and not give up hope. My family has been extremely supportive, my in-laws not so much. Of course people said dumb things like it was "God's way" or it wasn't meant to be. But some people said things like "I'm sorry". You know that was enough. I never expected anyone to have magic words to make me feel better. Just knowing that someone cared was good enough. Being able to talk with my husband was good too. It wasn't until after the 3rd loss that I realized how much he was hurting too. I thought he didn't care, but he was holding it in and expressing in a much different way. My hope is that I can share my battle wounds of IF and maybe give someone else the courage or hope to keep trying or at least know they are not alone.

finding my faith

I was raised Catholic and identify myself as such, although I haven't been a regular practicing Catholic for some time. My miscarriages have made doubt and question everything about myself to God and His existence. The Church's stance on infertility treatment and abortion really bother me, not to mention the status of women as leaders in the Church. I think religion is important and I want it to be a part of my life. So my question is Catholicism for me, or do I look elsewhere. The thought is scary to me. I am unsure of what I want. I guess I want acceptance and peace without a lot of evangelism.

new year new uterus

I have been a blog lurker for a while, and I thought I might try my hand at writing my own. Here is my story. My DH and I got married in 2003 and decided we would start a family in 2005. How blissfully ignorant we were... as we thought it would be so easy. But life had other plans for us.

I stopped taking BCP in June and we were pregnant in Sept. I was excited and confident. In October I had my first miscarriage. My OB/Gyn was not worried and not so compassionate. I miscarried naturally at home and was told I could try again in two months. In January 2006 I got pregnant again, and saw a new OB at 8.5 weeks I miscarried again. My OB allowed me to miscarry at home again. After this miscarriage I went to see a specialist.

My RE did the usual round of blood tests and all was normal. He did a SHG and said I had a heart shaped uterus, again so so normal. He put me on metformin b/c he said I had a touch of PCOS. In October of 2006 I got pregnant again. Early ultrasounds were inconlclusive and my RE said maybe it just fizzled away (jack ass). Blood tests confirmed pregnancy and next ultrasound showed the egg sac. At my 9 week appt. no fetus on the ultrasound. Growth had stopped around 6 weeks. My RE performed a D & C in the office (I don't reccomend this). The "conception tissue" was tested and found to be a chromosomally normal boy. My RE said well maybe you just have bad luck.....

This was devastating and I was in a deep depression. The best thing about that RE was he recommeded a shrink who specializes in infertility and loss. Dr. A has been a godsend in my life. I read the book "Coming to Term" by Jon Cohen. This book was also very helpful and reassuring in my life. I decided to consult a new specialist in Jan. of 2007. This clinic turned out to be an IVF factory. Since I obviously don't have trouble conceiving I didn't feel IVF was the answer for me. As a result that RE was not very interested in me, but did order a battery of blood tests and an MRI for my uterus. All the blood tests came back normal and the MRI according to the tech was also normal. That RE told me to keep taking the metformin and that was that.

I decided to seek alternative therapy in May of 2007 and started seeing a Traditional Chinese Medicine Acupuncturist. The acupuncture was relaxing and the herbs were disgusting, but I did feel better and I had a cycle of 28 days for the first time. I got pregnant in June. The RE would not see me b/c "I got pregnant on my own" WTF? And my OB closed her practice so I had to find a new doc.

Went to a new OB at 7.5 weeks and saw a strong heartbeat, four days later I started bleeding and rushed to the OB. no heartbeat....
That day is still blurry to me, it was crushing

I had a D&C at the hospital two days later. This time under anethesia. Again the tissue was tested and found to be normal (a girl).

At this point I had, had 4 miscarriages all between 7 and 9 weeks gestation, with no explanation. I decided to try one more specialist, against my husband's wishes, but I felt I really needed to try one more. This RE looked at all my past blood work and my records. When he looked at my MRI films of my uterus he called me at work and said you need to have and HSG b/c I think your uterus had a septum.

I had the HSG done in October (that was not fun) the tech's showed me the x-rays and it was obvious I had a pretty significant septum. Thanks to Dr. Google I was pretty confident in my uterine anomaly information. My new RE asked if my previous RE had even looked at my films b/c my septum was so obvious. My answer was probably not since I didn't want to do IVF.

So (I promise were getting close to the present day) in November I had my septum resection done by hysterscopy. I was on danicren before the surgery to shed as much lining as possible so they could remove as much of the septum as they could. After surgery I was on estrogen patches for 8 weeks and took provera twice to induce a period.

Last week I had a follow up SHG and my RE said I had a beautiful uterus and I should have no problems with this uterus. Four OB/Gyn's and three RE's later maybe we have this thing figured out. So this begins a new year with a new and improved uterus.

Since my DH has left town for the week, this cycle is shot. But next cycle I will do my first round of clomid. I'm hoping I only have to do this once.

This blog will chronicle my journey into motherhood and probably allow me to vent along the way.