And so it begins....

I start my Cl.o.mid today... Yesterday I had my baseline scan and then learned how to give myself mena.pur injections. It was a little overwhelming but I know I can do this. I don't know how you IVF girls do it. This is my first medicated cycle with injectibles. My new clinic gave a detailed calendar and instructions. I love calendars and lists, so this gives me mucho comfort. Fingers crossed my follicles grow and we can trigger next Friday. Meanwhile I plan to keep my regular exercise schedule to keep my stress level down. Truthfully I am slightly terrified about this. One I cannot fathom dealing with another miscarriage but at least I know how to deal with that. What's more scary is what if this works? What if I make it to the 2nd trimester? Will my head explode? Will the world stop turning?

I know, I know, one day at a time.

here we go again

We are on vacation right now it's raining so I am blogging. DH is out fishing in the rain, and I am waiting for it to stop so I can go on a run. I am one of those weird people who exercise while on vacation. Maybe it somehow cancels out all the beer. I ovulated early this cycle so it appears I will be start my period Sunday. This means we will begin our last try at having a baby biologically. So next week will be clomood rage followed by menapur, trigger shot and timed intercourse. Whee! Last week I met with a new OB. Dr. T (Thanks for the recommendation JJ) was great and agreed to monitor me through this process. I asked if I could bypass the happy baby package nurse appt. initially until it was clear I would make it through the first trimester. He agreed to that. That in itself is a huge relief. I've had that appt. too many times already. Once I have positive beta I will make an appt. for an intralipid infusion in Chicago. So I will keep you posted as we get on this roller coaster again. Maybe this time will be a better ending.

Oh... I found this beautiful necklace here on the island at a little gallery I always shop at. It' sterling silver with a dragonfly and this quotation etched on it "Gracefulness has been defined to be the outward expression of the inward harmony of the soul. Grace must find expression in life. Grace glides on blistered feet. Grace is the refinement of your soul through time"

As always I am trying to find my grace.

Project IF 2010

Category: How infertility impacts your emotional health.

What if I have to learn to live childfree with a smile….forever?

This used to be my fear and still is in many ways. Every once in a while I find myself chanting, I can't have children, I can't have children, an imaginary response to the question "So do you have kids?". It's often as I pass the elem. school on my way to work that I find myself doing this. Five years of TTC with 7 miscarriages under my belt has made me have very little faith in myself. In fact there is little that I don't doubt myself on anymore. I question my ability to achieve anything. Five years ago we started to TTC, I stopped taking the pill and just knew I would be p/g in 3 months. And I was... only to lose the baby six weeks later. Back then I thought by 2010 I would have two kids and considering a third in two years.

My life my plans my view of myself have drastically changed in so many ways. IF/RPL will push you to your very limits. Make you question your will to survive. After my last miscarriage in August I found myself thinking about driving my car into a tree. While in Oregon I envisioned throwing myself off the cliffs and into the Pacific. These terrible thoughts gave me peace during that time. It is macabre. It is sad and disgusting. It is true.

I'm more than aware that these are symptoms of major clinical depression. Over the last six months those thoughts have gone away. I never really wanted to die I just wanted to stop, escape the pain, suffering, guilt, sense of failure and disappointment on repeatedly losing my child, my hopes, my dreams. Quite frankly losing whole pieces of myself to where I couldn't recognize me anymore.

This experience has stripped my husband and I down to our very cores exposing the ugly parts of our souls. It has pushed our marriage to the edge.

Through prayer and sheer determination and will power, I feel we have clawed our way through to the other side.

The thought that we may live childfree does not scare me anymore. Sometimes it makes me sad, but sometimes I think it might be fun. It will hard to not belong to that club all our friends belong to, but we can have very full lives without children. No matter what happens IF/RPL has forever changed me, but finally I can start to see glimpses of myself again. I am still here and I can still love. That gives me strength for another day.

To see more of this project go to:
Stirrup Queens, Bloggers Unite

For more information on infertility go to RESOLVE

Please help spread the word and educate others:

National Infertility Awareness Week