One hurdle crossed

I made it through my family's Christmas celebration without crying. I was able to hang out with my 7month pg SIL and be pleasant. GO ME! I won't lie it did hurt to see her belly and know I should be pg too. But I'm not and that's ok. I requested an appt. with a MFM doc. for an pre conception consult. So I'm making a little progress. Happy Holidays....

Getting lapped in the slow lane

This week marks the due date of my 5th pregnancy and the 2nd anniversary of my 3rd miscarriage. I feel like I have been so self absorbed lately. I try to reach out to my friends, but I find it harder and harder to relate.

Recently several of my friend were talking about aging and how moving into our mid thirties our bodies have changed. They complain about how childbirth has changed their stomach from flat washboards to pooches and their breasts are not as perky as they once were. It's so hard for me to relate to. Not because those things aren't happening to my body (they are), it's just I don't have any children to show for it. I saw a woman in the grocery store after Thanksgiving who looked 7mos pregnant with full head of gray hair. I thought shit that could be me. It probably will be me, b/c if I ever get past the first trimester my color will surely run out and the grays will take over. So I'm sad because I find it harder and harder to relate to my friends that are my age. They all have children which dominates their lives. I have my quest for a child which is not quite the same.

Why does this have to weigh so heavily on my mind and heart, and live so closely on my sleeve? I feel myself cringe when others speak of their grandchildren and how blessed they are. I cringe when I see the pregnant bellies in the store. Luckily right now there aren't any in my work place. Outwardly I smile with them, but on the inside I cry "it's not fair!". Since I have stopped taking Zoloft I notice I tear up very easily, but also I seem to recover quickly. So I haven't gone back to daylong uncontrollable crying, just little jags throughout the day. The holidays will be tough, but then again they always are.

I know I separate myself more and more from my friends as they lap me again with their second children. It's just a constant reminder of what is missing in our lives. I have a favorite aunt and uncle who don't have children. I've never asked them why not, they always seem so happy and they are always doing exciting things. I sometimes think maybe that could be me, I could be like Aunt Joan. I could ride a Harley and travel extensively. I don't know about the Harley part, but she is really cool and has saved my butt many times. They were my surrogate parents while I was in college and far away from mine. I could be the cool aunt. But that just doesn't seem like enough.

What if.... (IF sucks)

So when it is close to the holidays, my phone stops ringing at the office, which is supposed to allow me to do my end of the year reports and plan for next year.
Instead what do I do?
I google.
Today I have been googling perinatologists, and MFM doctors, in the vain hope that I could find one who is also a OB/GYN or has one in their practice. I have an appointment with Dr. F next week for my pap, which hopefully will be successful and then I want to be done with her and the other assholes at their practice forever. So I've been looking. The problem is I live far away (60 miles) from most large hospitals that would have the above mentioned doctors. I was thinking it would be good to have a OB/peri that is connected with my RE so they could correspond with each other. The problem is my RE is 80 miles from my home. So most of his people are in that same area. I'm not sure I want to drive that far so often should I ever get past the first trimester. I did find a satellite office 55 miles from my home, but they have only one doctor. That makes me nervous, I mean what if she gets sick or something?
The other thing is WHY am I worrying about this? We are not even TTC right now. I'm on BCP for goodness sake. The other thing is my track record is not good so why the fuck am I obsessing about a doctor I might not need? Taking a break was supposed to let me think about other things, instead this baby quest still takes up a large percentage of my brain. I try to occupy myself with other things,(wine, running, coffee, work, did I mention wine?) But at night my dreams are filled with babies. What if this doesn't work? What if I can't have a baby? What if we can't afford adoption? What if I have to give up this endeavor? I am not a good quitter. I will suffer and endure horrible situations in order to not quit. I am very stubborn that way. But I can't keep losing babies, praying that this will be the one to stick. There has to be a limit to all of this. But how do you set that limit? When is enough, enough? If I do call it quits, will the obsession stop? Will the dreams go away? Will people stop asking me when are you going to have kids? Will my mom and MIL accept that I can't provide grandchildren? Will I become a crazy cat lady and drive my husband mad? Maybe this wasn't a good time to stop taking Zoloft. I think I'm freaking out a bit.