Getting lapped in the slow lane

This week marks the due date of my 5th pregnancy and the 2nd anniversary of my 3rd miscarriage. I feel like I have been so self absorbed lately. I try to reach out to my friends, but I find it harder and harder to relate.

Recently several of my friend were talking about aging and how moving into our mid thirties our bodies have changed. They complain about how childbirth has changed their stomach from flat washboards to pooches and their breasts are not as perky as they once were. It's so hard for me to relate to. Not because those things aren't happening to my body (they are), it's just I don't have any children to show for it. I saw a woman in the grocery store after Thanksgiving who looked 7mos pregnant with full head of gray hair. I thought shit that could be me. It probably will be me, b/c if I ever get past the first trimester my color will surely run out and the grays will take over. So I'm sad because I find it harder and harder to relate to my friends that are my age. They all have children which dominates their lives. I have my quest for a child which is not quite the same.

Why does this have to weigh so heavily on my mind and heart, and live so closely on my sleeve? I feel myself cringe when others speak of their grandchildren and how blessed they are. I cringe when I see the pregnant bellies in the store. Luckily right now there aren't any in my work place. Outwardly I smile with them, but on the inside I cry "it's not fair!". Since I have stopped taking Zoloft I notice I tear up very easily, but also I seem to recover quickly. So I haven't gone back to daylong uncontrollable crying, just little jags throughout the day. The holidays will be tough, but then again they always are.

I know I separate myself more and more from my friends as they lap me again with their second children. It's just a constant reminder of what is missing in our lives. I have a favorite aunt and uncle who don't have children. I've never asked them why not, they always seem so happy and they are always doing exciting things. I sometimes think maybe that could be me, I could be like Aunt Joan. I could ride a Harley and travel extensively. I don't know about the Harley part, but she is really cool and has saved my butt many times. They were my surrogate parents while I was in college and far away from mine. I could be the cool aunt. But that just doesn't seem like enough.

What if.... (IF sucks)

So when it is close to the holidays, my phone stops ringing at the office, which is supposed to allow me to do my end of the year reports and plan for next year.
Instead what do I do?
I google.
Today I have been googling perinatologists, and MFM doctors, in the vain hope that I could find one who is also a OB/GYN or has one in their practice. I have an appointment with Dr. F next week for my pap, which hopefully will be successful and then I want to be done with her and the other assholes at their practice forever. So I've been looking. The problem is I live far away (60 miles) from most large hospitals that would have the above mentioned doctors. I was thinking it would be good to have a OB/peri that is connected with my RE so they could correspond with each other. The problem is my RE is 80 miles from my home. So most of his people are in that same area. I'm not sure I want to drive that far so often should I ever get past the first trimester. I did find a satellite office 55 miles from my home, but they have only one doctor. That makes me nervous, I mean what if she gets sick or something?
The other thing is WHY am I worrying about this? We are not even TTC right now. I'm on BCP for goodness sake. The other thing is my track record is not good so why the fuck am I obsessing about a doctor I might not need? Taking a break was supposed to let me think about other things, instead this baby quest still takes up a large percentage of my brain. I try to occupy myself with other things,(wine, running, coffee, work, did I mention wine?) But at night my dreams are filled with babies. What if this doesn't work? What if I can't have a baby? What if we can't afford adoption? What if I have to give up this endeavor? I am not a good quitter. I will suffer and endure horrible situations in order to not quit. I am very stubborn that way. But I can't keep losing babies, praying that this will be the one to stick. There has to be a limit to all of this. But how do you set that limit? When is enough, enough? If I do call it quits, will the obsession stop? Will the dreams go away? Will people stop asking me when are you going to have kids? Will my mom and MIL accept that I can't provide grandchildren? Will I become a crazy cat lady and drive my husband mad? Maybe this wasn't a good time to stop taking Zoloft. I think I'm freaking out a bit.

doctor hopping

I had to go to my OB/Gyn for a pap smear last week. This fact is annoying in itself, because if there was a problem with my cervix wouldn't the plethora of people looking inside me these last six months have noticed? But alas I must have one in order to move forward with Dr. P's baby plan. Of course an RE won't do a pap god forbid. You must go to the Ob/gyn. So I go. Dr. F blew in as usual popped me in the stirrups to get this over with. She did not mention the last miscarriage or anything. She says your cervix is all inflamed, have you had any procedures? I said no, no procedures. I had a manual exam two weeks ago by my RE.

Dr F: Why did he do that?
Me: So we would be able to proceed with, our plan of Femara when I want to try again, w/o my having to drive 80 miles to see him.
Dr F: Are you sure you didn't have any procedures?
Me: Yes, what is wrong?
Dr. F: well I can't do your pap, you will have to come back in 4-6 weeks.
Me: WTF?
She leaves and I get dressed, confused as to what is going on, a nurse whisks back in a gives me a Rx for an antibiotic for cervicitis.

In addition to this I had a super bad cough for two weeks, I was hoping Dr. F would give a listen to my chest, but that was out of the question. So I drove to an urgent care clinic, where they listened to me breathe, freaked out called for chest x-rays. Luckily no pneumonia but a wicked upper respiratory infection, so now I have a Rx for a Z-pac and cough medicine. I decide not to fill the Rx from Dr. F b/c it seems like a Z-pac would take care of any other bacteria laying around in my body.

Next day there is a message on my phone from the nurse at Dr. F's office, saying they think they found something of mine, please call back. I search my purse and can't figure out what I could have possibly left. When I call back I am put on hold for 20 minutes, finally nurse comes on and says we found a CD that says "baby's first pictures" on it.

ME: silence... then it's not mine, I don't have any children, I have had six miscarriages.

Nurse: well it looks like it's ultrasound pictures

ME: almost in tears, it's probably from my last m/c I told the dr. I didn't want the cd.

Nurse: Oh well sorry I bothered you.

ME: Umm well I have a question, Dr. F gave me Rx for cervicitis yesterday but I also have an Upper Respiratory Infection and the Dr. gave my an Rx for a Z-pac. Do I still need to take the other one, b/c that seems like an awful lot of antibiotics to take at one time?

Nurse: You will have to ask your pharmacist about that

Is it just me Internet? Or is this cruel and unusual punishment? I mean damn how hard is it to look at my fucking file and realize that if that CD is mine, the baby is dead? These are the same people who just stared at me when I was sobbing after I sat in the ultrasound room alone with the lifeless scan of my 8 week fetus for 30 minutes. Then they dicked around with my file, couldn't figure out that I had already spoken to a doctor. I just wanted to leave and here they are saying no she can't leave until talks with the doctor. To which I reply, I don't understand I just finished speaking with her. I just want to get out of here.

So this is the last straw and now I am looking for a new Ob/Gyn again. This will be my 6th Ob/gyn since this all began. I wonder if I am expecting to much for my medical care. I mean I don't expect to be recognized as soon as I walk in, but at least read my file first. I get better customer service from my Vet than my Ob. At least he remembers my name.

Dr. P (RE) said that next I get pg I would stay with him through the first trimester and then I would need an OB and a perinatologist or MFM. Can I get one of those wrapped up in one person?