update

I still have a fetus with a beating heart in my uterus....158bpm, 8wks 1day. They gave me another intralipid infusion and this time I didn't faint. Next scan is Monday morning with my OB. one day at a time.

can't take it

I can't take much more of this. I feel like I am held together with dried out duct tape and string and the slightest misstep will cause me to crumble.

Tomorrow I fly to Chicago. Dr. C will do an ultrasound with her super fancy machines and if we still have a fetus with a heartbeat I will have another round of intralipid therapy. My blood results were all good and normal, but because of my wretched history Dr. C did not want to take any chances and recommended another infusion.

I am scared, anxious, tearful, jumping from hopeful to doom and gloom every two minutes.

hematologist

I had my appointment with the hematologist yesterday. First let me say that Dr. G is a very very very nice man and treated me with respect. If I ever have reason to see a hematologist I definitely want to go to him.

Here's the break down: It took a couple days after my OB referral for the hematologist office to call me with an appt. This put me on alert, and I called my OB several times to find out if I was supposed to be calling the hematologist. I'm sure they put another sad face next to my name on my chart for being such a pest. Finally they call with an appointment for this week (one week after my scan). I felt that if I needed to be on Lovneox we shouldn't be dicking around with appointments and get this going because we are entering the two period where all my miscarriages take place. Truthfully I am a woman on the edge.

Then on Monday they called to say they pushed my appointment back to next week. I went crazy. I was sobbing to the referral person about how they didn't understand the situation and WHY would they do this to me (not professional of me I know.)Later that day she called back and said they would keep my appointment for this week (April 20).

So yesterday I drive to the hospital and promptly lock my keys in the car. I go to the new patient check in and wait for the lady to decide to help me. My appointment was at 1:30 and I was there at 1:20. She checks me in and sends me up to the lab with a pager like you get at Outback. She told me the pager would go off when they were ready for me. So I wait and I watch every person who came in at the same time and after me get called into the lab. Finally I asked the lady at the desk if I was supposed to check in with her, b/c the lady downstairs said to just wait until the pager went off. Well it turns out lady downstairs never put me in the system so they didn't know I was there. Finally I get in the lab it's now 2:20pm. The lab lady says I was about to put you down as a no show, your appointment was at 1:30. I said I have been here since 1:20, but apparently no one put me in the queue. After 8 vials of blood are drawn I am ushered back downstairs and my pager finally goes off. The nurse comes to get me and tells me the doctor has been waiting for me. I apologize and tell her what happened. Finally I am with the doctor and he tells me he spoke with my OB but didn't get my records. Luckily I brought them all with me and then had to share my history. I cannot seem to get that out with starting to cry. In the end he tells me that several recent studies from Europe have shown that lovenox and baby aspirin have no benefit in recurrent miscarriage, especially in women w/o clotting disorders. He was obviously up to date on his area of study and he was compassionate about my situation. I was a wreck. I didn't WANT to take lovenox but it was something I could have control over and if there was even the slightest possibility it could help I wanted to do it. I took lovenox during my 7th pregnancy and still miscarried at 9 weeks so it's not like I had a success story. So no lovenox and I'm still taking baby aspirin despite what Doctor G. said. They will call me next week with my blood results, but he doesn't expect them to be different than other times I have been tested for clotting factors and anti phospholipid antibodies. As I was leaving he said "Maybe this will be the one to stick". This made me want to scream, I had to get out of there before I totally fell apart.

Then I had to call a locksmith and pay $40 to get in my car. I had one of those magnet things but it fell off and I haven't replaced it. In short I AM A MESS.

Today I have a phone consult with Dr. C in Chicago, to see if I need to do more intralipids. My next scan is Wednesday.

Hurdles

Today I crossed hurdle #1, there was a hearbeat at 110bpm and measuring at 6w1d (right where I should be). OB and I discussed lovenox. He says it's probably overkill but given my history why not. I have a phone consult with Dr. C in Chicago next week and that will be discussed as well as what my blood results are and when is the next infusion. My next scan is in two weeks. I tried to get one next week, but my OB wouldn't budge. I don't get any stress relief from the scans, b/c I know it can all still go horribly wrong. I am trying so hard to keep my shit together, but I am teetering on the edge. So grateful that my baby is alive and trying to focus on that, but the dark clouds have a way of seeping in.

Waiting

Honestly I am trying hard to keep the train wreck in me from getting out. The infusion was easy and fast. I did faint as she put the IV in. I felt it coming, I think the anxiety got the best of me. However the nurse handled it like a champ and did not freak out keeping me calm and my mom calm as well. I finished the whole IV in less than 15 minutes and they kept me for monitoring for another 1/2 hour. So the whole thing was about 45 minutes. Itralipid infusion $650, blood tests $410, plane ticket $160, Hotel $164, parking $30, trains $20, **CARRYING THIS PREGNANCY TO TERM***PRICELESS
I have my first ultrasound on Tuesday April 12. So then we will know if this viable. I don't have any morning sickness. I wish so bad I did, but it is early. My only symptoms are sore BB's and constipation. I'm still taking my herbs, and going to acupuncture. I hate this part. One day at a time right?