About Me

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North Carolina, United States
I'm a 36yr old, wife, wannabe mom, horticulturalist, halfass knitter, and sometimes runner, searching for my grace

Monday, August 16, 2010

The return of AF

So AF finally came on cd 35. I'm not sure when or if I ovulated because my clear blue easy fertility monitor showed 10 straight days of high fertility and then went to low. No peak day to be found. So I really wasn't sure what to expect this cycle.

I started charting again. I have taken my BBT in almost two years, since m/c #5. Even though I have the fertility monitor I thought I might do this too. Really just to get more in touch with my cycle all together. Does this mean we are going to try again? I still don't have an answer for that. I am leaning that way, but waiting to see what my upcoming HSG shows us.

My thoughts on this are that, we have yet to get pregnant and try the immune therapy. So in order for me to feel I have truly given it my best shot, we need to try this as well. However I am not sure my heart is in it and that is why I waffle. Right now I feel good about where my therapy is taking me, and working on repairing my marriage. The added stress of TTC and getting pregnant is so unappealing right now, but tik tok tik tok.... blah.

In the meantime I think I have alienated a dear friend. She is 5 mos. pg w/#2 and when I tried to explain to her that I have to wrap my head around the fact I might not ever be a mother to a living child, she accused me of giving up. I told her I wasn't giving up I was being real. That childlessness is a reality for me and that makes it hard to relate with my peers. She is a member of a club I can't get in. In hindsight it sounds so mean, but I was just trying to get her to hear how I was feeling. I haven't spoken to her since then and I know I need to call.

We've scheduled a fall beach trip to the island in October and I can't wait. I'm running a 10k next month and training for that. We've joined a local church and I really like it. So things are looking up. I'm feeling lots better. If weather would just turn a little cooler and it would be bliss for the time being.


Good Timing said...

Just wanted to let you know that I can really relate to many parts of this post. Your trip sounds awesome!

Misfits said...

BBT can help you figure out what's going on. I found that I can't do it for more than a month or two without going crazy. I was warned off TTC for 3 months after MTX shot, curious if your doctor had that advice as well. The HSG will let you know how things are working and I'm hopeful that all is clear for you and that your ectopic was caught early.

I'm with you peeking over that what if it never happens fence. I think it's fair to be offended or offend someone over a comment like that, because, the last thing you need to hear right now is something akin to "pull yourself up by your boot straps." That's simply hogwash.

That all aside, the odds are still good moving forward, and I am optimistic for you that you will know exactly what it's like to give birth to a living child and be a parent. You deserve to know and I expect it of the universe on your behalf.

Andie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Andie said...

I agree with Misfits.I'm in the same place, looking over that fence.

I related to so very much of your post - there are still treatments to try, so we can't give up. But can we really face trying again, and take the risk? I don't have an answer to that right now.

Am glad you are feeling better over all. That's great news.

PS. I deleted my comment as I left a bit out.

88highburycorner said...

I just found your blog and have read your archives. Thank you for sharing your story. You are incredibly brave and strong and I admire your honesty and resilience.

I have suffered through 3 miscarriages and most likely have a uterine septum (I will know for sure hopefully next week when I go through the HSG results with my RPL specialist) so I can relate to a lot of what you have been through.

It sounds like you know yourself well enough and have a good support system so no matter what you decide you'll make the right decision. I do hope selfishly that you will decide to keep trying because after getting to know you through your writing I feel, as Misfits wrote, the universe owes it to you!

Panamahat said...

Glad you are feeling better. Sorry you had a run in with someone who dissent understand the difference between 'giving up' and preserving your sanity by taking another perspective on reality. Sigh. I wrote a post about that myself recently. I don't think we'll change the world's mind on that topic, but it would be nice if at least our friends tried to see it from our point of view...