now I'm just eating hush puppies

nom nom nom..... suck it WW!

Internetz we kinda sorta have a plan.... We will wait to get back on the TTC coaster until after our vacation the OBX in May. The idea of trying to schedule treatments and being at the scary 8-9 week stage on vacation is not appealing. I want to be able to enjoy this trip.

The blood tests showed that I am heterozygous for MTHFR, PA1, Factor viii. Dr. C. said this means my body is not absorbing folic acid like it should, so now I am on a Rx folic acid 1mg/day. She said right now no lovenox, but that may change based on blood tests when I get pg again. My ANA's were negative again so that is good. The only other thing wrong is elevated NK cell activity.

The other interesting thing my primary care Dr. K told me with results from my last round of blood tests is that I am deficient in oleic acid, zinc and all antioxidants. Dr. K seems to think I am running on fumes and my body would not be able to fight off a major infection. My immune system is bunk.

WTF? He is puzzled by this b/c I do eat well and I exercise regularly. What is the deal with my body not absorbing vitamins? So now I am on a bunch of supplements
Co Q 10, chromium, zinc, selenium, Vit. D, plus my pre-natal and the prescription Folic Acid. I had to buy an old lady pill holder just to keep up with it all. Plus he wants me to eat a piece of citrus everyday.

Where was I? oh yeah the plan.. The plan is a medicated timed intercourse cycle end of May beginning of June. As soon as I have a positive beta, I am to have either an IVIG or intralipid infusion. Weekly u/s monitoring, Weekly testing of NK, and ANA during first trimester with bi-weekly phone consults with Dr. C. Infusions every 4 weeks. Minimum of 2 Maximum of 4. If insurance doesn't cover anything but the u/s monitoring we are looking at around $12,000.00. Eeeks....

Right now I know insurance will not cover the phone consults. I am still waiting to see what coverage they will give on the blood testing. Because the lab is out-of-network my deductible is double what it is for in-network. Out of pocket the blood tests are $410. Eight-12 weeks of that adds up quick. The phone consults are $250 each time. IVIG is somewhere between $1500 and $3000/infusion. I haven't gotten a clear answer yet but there is a tiny possibility for some insurance coverage. Intralipids are $600/infusion with no insurance at all. I have to fly to Chicago for intralipids. IVIG can be done 3 hours away.

The only thing that is bugging me today is that if we do this next month instead I might get more insurance coverage b/c I have already met my deductible for this plan year and I am half way there on my co-insurance. So it may make more sense not to wait. Our plan year starts over July 1 with increases in our deductibles. So there is that.

In other news I have lost another 4lbs so 12lbs in all, my skinny pants are starting to fit again. My goal is to lose another 7lbs, and I will be back to my pre IF weight. I signed up to run another half marathon in April. I going to try the Galloway walk/run method and see if I can't run a much faster time w/o pooping at some strangers house.

Oh and my birthday is in two weeks so I will officially be of advanced maternal age, great...

eating my words

Remember how I said I was getting used to the idea that maybe we wouldn't have kids....

Well I know my co-worker is pregnant again...she has not told me but my pg radar is going off like crazy and I expect an announcement any day now. And how do I feel about this?

Sad...angry...woe... Why not me? how come the rest of the world has such an easy time with this and I have death and destruction? crying in my office feeling like a failure at everything I do. Wanting to be a better person than this, wanting to be stronger.

I just had my year end evaluation (in Feb. I know) for work and I was told I need to work harder at my attitude and relationships with my co-workers. I need to "be sweet" but in the same sentence I was told I do an excellent job. I'm sorry I can't be pollyana sunshine every fucking day when it feel like the world is against me.

Fuck I need to pull myself together and get over myself.... Sorry for the rant but I guess that is what this blog is for.

ps.. I could really use a xanax right now anxiety is not my friend