Take 2

I had an appointment with my RE today. Not worth my 160mile round trip, but at least I have a plan or sorts. I don't know what was more disappointing the outrageous number the scale gave me, or the "just keep trying" speech. So here's the plan. Try three more months with Femara, if no luck get DH's sperm tested and an SHG for me, then move on to injectibles. We could do the diagnostic testing now if we wanted. Dr.P didn't feel it was really warranted but if I wanted to do it he was game. I'm ovulating regularly so he thought it could be a sperm issue not neccessarily my shithead ute. I am going to give it a little more time before I ask DH to jizz in a cup. But it may come to that. So in the mean time lot's more sex, and I really need to lose 10 pounds. I have been running a lot more lately and I hope it starts taking some weight off soon. This IF spare tire has got to go.

mothers day

I went to the big city this weekend to visit two dear friends from graduate school. One is expecting her first child in a few weeks, and the other has a 5yr old. It was lovely to see them and we took our expectant friend out for late lunch on Mother's day. She is all aglow and trying hard to be thoughtful towards my own situation. I love her for thinking of me, but hate myself that I have become that woman that people are afraid to talk about their children with. Other friends from high school leave me out of certain e-mail chatter so as not to hurt my feelings. I hate that I have these feelings of inadequacies, jealousy and just plain sad. But I do, and these feelings have become a part of me.

Later in the evening I was sitting on the couch with my 5yr old friend A. and she asked "Are you a mom?" and I said no.. and she said "Why not" and I said because my babies died. She asked "How come your babies died?" and I answered with a lump in my throat "I don't know." And just like that little A. said Ohh... do you want to watch Toy Story with me?. just precious.

My fertility monitor told me I was at peak fertility Saturday and Sunday, and we took care of business twice on Saturday. Now begins the two week wait. My RE never called me back about upping my Femara dose but I guess I ovulated, and ovulated earlier than I normally do. So we shall see. I started the Prometrium today.

just waiting now.