new name

This blog needs a new name. Although we are approaching a new year, my ute is no longer newly remodeled and in fact has reverted to it's old piece of shit ways. So I think for my sanity I need a new blog name. Any suggestions?

Thinking about the new year, and how I always say this year will be better than last, and since 2005 it has not. Then I read this post by Panamahat at Solo trekking through recurrent miscarriage.

"Next year WILL be better. Because I am changing my focus, my intent, my attitude. I will not be trying to make babies in 2009, I will be re-creating myself. Concentrating on thoughts and actions that fulfil me, instead of dwelling on absence and lack. Giving myself over to the here and now instead of the imaginary future I thought I was entitled to. And if I can have one year free of pregnancy loss it will be the most enormous gift I could think of."

This screams at me, wake up you dolt! This is what I must do. Thankyou Panamahat you have inspired me. Open your eyes live now, I am blessed in so many ways. I need to recognize that and revel in the many things that are wonderful in my life.

One hurdle crossed

I made it through my family's Christmas celebration without crying. I was able to hang out with my 7month pg SIL and be pleasant. GO ME! I won't lie it did hurt to see her belly and know I should be pg too. But I'm not and that's ok. I requested an appt. with a MFM doc. for an pre conception consult. So I'm making a little progress. Happy Holidays....

Getting lapped in the slow lane

This week marks the due date of my 5th pregnancy and the 2nd anniversary of my 3rd miscarriage. I feel like I have been so self absorbed lately. I try to reach out to my friends, but I find it harder and harder to relate.

Recently several of my friend were talking about aging and how moving into our mid thirties our bodies have changed. They complain about how childbirth has changed their stomach from flat washboards to pooches and their breasts are not as perky as they once were. It's so hard for me to relate to. Not because those things aren't happening to my body (they are), it's just I don't have any children to show for it. I saw a woman in the grocery store after Thanksgiving who looked 7mos pregnant with full head of gray hair. I thought shit that could be me. It probably will be me, b/c if I ever get past the first trimester my color will surely run out and the grays will take over. So I'm sad because I find it harder and harder to relate to my friends that are my age. They all have children which dominates their lives. I have my quest for a child which is not quite the same.

Why does this have to weigh so heavily on my mind and heart, and live so closely on my sleeve? I feel myself cringe when others speak of their grandchildren and how blessed they are. I cringe when I see the pregnant bellies in the store. Luckily right now there aren't any in my work place. Outwardly I smile with them, but on the inside I cry "it's not fair!". Since I have stopped taking Zoloft I notice I tear up very easily, but also I seem to recover quickly. So I haven't gone back to daylong uncontrollable crying, just little jags throughout the day. The holidays will be tough, but then again they always are.

I know I separate myself more and more from my friends as they lap me again with their second children. It's just a constant reminder of what is missing in our lives. I have a favorite aunt and uncle who don't have children. I've never asked them why not, they always seem so happy and they are always doing exciting things. I sometimes think maybe that could be me, I could be like Aunt Joan. I could ride a Harley and travel extensively. I don't know about the Harley part, but she is really cool and has saved my butt many times. They were my surrogate parents while I was in college and far away from mine. I could be the cool aunt. But that just doesn't seem like enough.