still here........

My vacation to the outer banks was nice, except for the crazy wind that blasted us the last two days. It was a nice escape. When we got home all the sad and anger was still there.

My DH went with me for the first time to see my therapist. I am so afraid this infertility will push our marriage over the edge. Our session was ok.... I am not sure it was helpful, but at least he went, and that is a huge step in itself. I know my depression is back in full force, and so my medication dose has been upped. I started feeling better on Sunday.

Yesterday I saw a colleague of mine who had two m/c last year, now she is 6 months pg. It was so hard to watch her with her belly and not be jealous. The unfairness of this is sometimes the hardest thing. I hate myself for being jealous, and for not being able to speak to her. Thankfully we were at a big meeting and I was sitting on the other side of the room. I still feel like an ass for not being able to talk to her.

My work is super busy this week which keeps me distracted, but distracted enough to stop reading all the blogs out there. I really don't know what I will do this next cycle. I am ovulating now, and part of me says screw it, let's just see what happens. The other part says you need to give your body a break dude.

My therapist says The biggest thing is that you know you can get pregnant. Well shit on that. It doesn't mean anything if you can't carry.

Tomorrow is the two year anniversary of my first baby's EDD. May 22nd is the feast day of St. Rita of Cascia "the patron Saint of the impossible".

aftermath

I decided to have the D&C, my OB performed the surgery on Friday, she worked me in, so I would not have to wait a long time. One thing about my ob is that she is wonderful, she always remembers who I am, and I have only seen her twice. She has the courtesy to read up on my chart before speaking to me, so I don't have to rehash all my misfortunes. I absolutely love her. For once I feel I have a doctor who actually cares about me. The bad part is that she is not an RE, and so does not feel comfortable prescribing meds for infertility. My RE said we can do more clomid at higher dosage or be aggressive and go with injectibles. I feel like I am on the edge of falling apart. If I didn't have to deal with people on my job I might make it through. We do have a vacation planned for later this week to go to the outer banks for five days. I am looking forward to laying on the beach and reading books while my dh fishes. After discussing my options with my counselor bff Dr. G, I decided I would try again, but if I have another miscarriage I am taking an extended break. She says this gives me a boundary. I love Dr. G. She has been my best friend since 5th grade and just finished her PhD. in counseling. She is so good at giving advice as a counselor and as a friend. So now my question is how agressive do I approach this next cycle. The docs feel this miscarriage had nothing to do with my septum, and was most likely chromosomal. I have had two normal chromosomal miscarriages already though. I am convinced that my problem is a LPD, but no doctor will agree with me. If I take higher dosages of clomid it should help me ovulate sooner in my cycle instead of the cd21 like I usually do. But clomid can cause the uterine lining to be thinner, so would injectibles be a better bet? But then I don't know. My goal is to make it through the next three days without crying at work. wish me luck...