bullets

I've had a blog post rolling around my head for a while, but when I start to write, it feels incoherent. Maybe bulleted points would be better

1. weight watchers:
I've been doing ww for 3 months and I've lost 8 pounds w/o being really serious about it. My mom and aunt are doing it too, and have lost lots of weight. I really want lost 10 pounds before we TTC again and before I turn 35 in March. So I'm really trying and I am REALLY hungry. Cookies are constantly calling my name and begging me to eat them.

2. drinking:
I am trying to give up drinking for 30 days, b/c
a. the points it adds up to on ww.
b. I feel like I've been drinking too much, well not really too much but more often than I should for my waistline and my pocket book.

3. running:
I ran a half marathon a few weeks ago, in the freezing cold and it sucked major monkey balls. My time was so incredibly slow. At mile 7 I realized I needed to poop and thought about jumping in the woods, but then thought maybe it will go away...it didn't. At mile 9 I was getting very desperate and thinking about what to do. We were in some residential neighborhood and I saw a man come out of his house in his pajamas and start his car to warm it up. I asked if I could please use his bathroom, and he graciously let me in. I'm sure my face was showing all sorts of desperation. So thank you kind man in Florence SC for letting me poo in your bathroom and not have an accident in my pants. By the time I slogged through miles 10 and 11 my legs decided to go on strike and the last two miles were hideous. but I finished and did not poop my pants so good race for me.

4. RPL/IF:
The potential cost for treatments with IVIG or intralipids has caused a few arguments in our house. The last blood tests were taken yesterday and hopefully in two weeks we will have a fully laid out plan. My cycle has been really off since the last miscarriage. I'm averaging 35 day cycles ovulating on day 23 or 24 so only a 11-12 day luteal phase sometimes as short as 10 days. I'm hoping my vitamin D supplement will help sort it out. Often I sit on the fence about whether this is worth it? Mel had a great post about it "Was it worth it?" and truly it is a question I think about every day. I hope and pray that it is. In many ways this has become more about me kicking the shit out of RPL rather than having a baby. So I really have to ask myself these hard questions. I'm not sure what the answers are but I'm doing a lot of soul searching.

5. Car Drama:
On the way back from the blood work Tuesday morning a big rock flew out from an oncoming semi and hit my windshield. So today I am spending the day at the library waiting for my car to get a new windshield. Yay!

So there are my bulleted points, there was probably more rolling in my head but it has since left, also I had a double latte at 8:30 and I am still shaking at noon.

Update

I had my phone consult with Dr. Coulam last week, and she wants more blood, so we will not cycle this month. She did feel that IVIG or intralipids would be the treatment for me. If I want intralipids it looks like I would need to find a way to get to Chicago once a month for the first trimester once I get pregnant. If I choose IVIG it can be done in SC (a 3 hr drive away). The big difference is cost. $3,000 for IVIG and $600 for intralipids. So we are looking into both possibilities and still waiting to find out if insurance might cover some of it. Meantime we will have the other blood tests done and wait and see.

My work up from my PCP showed I am Vitamin D deficient so now I'm taking 5000iu of Vitamin D 4 days a week. Hopefully that will improve some of my issues.

This has been a very long journey of IF/RPL and I need it to come to an end soon. That end may be without a child and that's something I am coming closer to being at peace with.

doctors, doctors, doctors

I went to see my PCP Monday for an annual physical. Of course they asked the questions about my RPL, which brought on the tears. I cannot seem to talk about this to people without crying. I have been dealing with this for almost five years and yet I tear up just giving simple medical information. I really like my PCP Dr. K because he is not prescription happy. He is open to alternative care, his sister is an acupuncturist and his wife owns a natural foods store. In addition is genuinely concerned about his patients and spends time with them.

After discussing my losses, the subsequent testing and depression. He did order to have my Vitamin D levels tested and my potassium levels at the cellular level. Surprisingly enough, Vitamin D is one thing I haven't been tested for. As I blubbered through the physical, he suggested that I write out my life purpose, and additionally make a list of the things that are really bothering me in my life and ask the question of each "Do I have control over this?" if the answer is yes then the next question is "What are you going to do about it?". He said to work on the things you can control and give the rest up to God. While I tell myself this daily it was good to hear it from someone else and I've never actually written it down. I am a firm believer in writing things down because then they are real. So this is a project I intend to work on this weekend.

In other doctor related news I found a clinic in SC that does IVIG and intralipid therapy, so at least that's closer to home (3hr drive) than NJ.
Dr. W in SC was great, she works with Dr. Coulam in IL for patients with RPL and immune issues. So I have a phone consult with her on Dec. 24th. This doctor is one of the leads in RPL and immune so I am super stoked about this. Also Dr. W did not think IVF was necessary and is willing to work with me. We will do a stimulated cycle with clomid/menapur and an HCG trigger with timed intercourse along with whatever therapy Dr. Coulam recommends in January. Hopefully this will be the answer to our prayers and if anything bring some sort of closure to this journey.