2011 better me please?

Oh Internet, it has been a rough holiday. Gluten free is NOT going well. In fact it's not really going at all. I did not get to see my family and my new niece over Christmas b/c of snow. I cried all day Christmas because we should have children to celebrate with but we don't because they died. So I've been wallowing in my woe and really I need to get over it. My BFF had her baby and I found out on face.book. More woe. Cutting back on caffeine is giving me headaches. WHAH WHAH WHAH woe is me.

OK so in effort to shake my doldrums I wrote out my goals and challenges for 2011. I even categorized them.

**Marriage**
Improve communication w/DH
Express my feelings better
Demand respect within our marriage
Talk about the drinking
Find the Fun again

**Relationships**
Repair friendship w/BFF
Visit friends more often
Have people/friends over to our house
Visit Brother
Be a part of nieces lives

**Emotional**
work on expressing and feeling my emotions
tell people when they hurt my feelings
relaxation techniques

**Physical**
go gluten-free for at least 3 mos
run 1000 miles total in 2011
wear a bikini and feel good about it

**Other**
keep a grace journal, and write everyday
officially join the church and get active
find and go to an adoption workshop
grow a bigger garden
work on getting farm plan going

award

Oh man JJ nominated me for an award like forever ago and I am just now getting to it. Thank you JJ, sorry I am a slacker.
So here's rules for the award:
~Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award.
~Share 7 things about yourself.
~Pass the award along to 7 other bloggers who you recently discovered and think are fabulous.


1. I finally stopped biting my nails about 2 years ago, but sometimes under duress I relapse.

2. I took piano lessons for 8 years and I hate playing the piano.

3. I take my seatbelt off when I get about a 1/2 mile from my house.

4. I'm pretty klutzy, I always have bruises on my legs or arms, from running into things.

5. I can't sew for shit. Seriously I almost failed Home Ec in the 7th grade. My guitar pillow looks like some kind of abomination. My mom kept it because it made her laugh so hard (my mom used to make all my clothes so obviously I did not get that skill). Sewing a button is so hard for me and always looks like shit. Forget about mending.

6. I'm a sucker for teeny bopper tv shows like g.oss.ip girl, vam.pi.re di.aries, 90210.

7. Instead of a Christmas tree this year I put lights and few decorations on my rubber tree plant.

end of the year race

So I really sucked at blogging each day of the month. I enjoyed what I did do, and I'm going to try to blog more...(no really I am). I went back to the midwest over Thanksgiving for a fabulous wedding. I was slightly apprehensive before leaving because the town I grew up in brings out strong feelings in me. I either have a great time, or cry my way through it. My family doesn't live there anymore so I've only been back over the last seven years a handful of times. All of my dear friends from HS were there and I was nervous about being around some of them b/c they are fertile and there would lots of kids. Several kids I'd never met before. Ultimately it was great we fell right back to our giggling selves and for a little while I did not think about it. I forget how good it feels to be surrounded by these strong beautiful women who mean so much to me. Friends like that are hard to come by.

During the wedding one of the promises was "to take care of other people's children". I really like that and it touched my heart. My DH has put adoption back on the table. This is a small miracle because before he felt he just couldn't do it. So we are exploring that option a little more while still looking at TTC in a couple months.

I had a consultation with a nutritionist yesterday. She recommended a wheat/gluten free diet. Also no coffee (the horror). Her reasoning made sense to me, if my m/c are caused by my immune system than it makes sense to remove any possible allergens from my diet. She said one in three people have wheat allergies, but they may not know it. But geez o pete gluten is in everything. And I heart bread. This will not be easy. But all things in moderation and I will make an effort.

Since I got back on Sunday it has been nonstop running around. The month of December is always hard because I have end of the year reports that must be completed by the 17th b/c the University shuts down for the last two weeks of the year. Our office keeps on running but we have to turn everything in. Meanwhile this is also the time of year when my clients have time on their hands so I am teaching many workshops. Not to mention x-mas shopping and decorating and the endless parties. I'm going to a conference today and I was so excited to learn I didn't need to be there until 1pm. So I can do some laundry, run and blog. I want to stop and savor the season, and make time for me. As always I struggle for balance. Ok laundry is ready to be hung out to dry.

back to our regular programming

I am breaking from the NaBloPoMo to get this off my chest.

On Thursday DH, the dog and me drove down to my parents home for a veterans day celebration. We bought my dad a brick on a new veterans memorial in the their town and the dedication was that day. The ceremony was beautiful and the brick was lovely. Very well done. In addition we brought my dog to stay with my parents during rifle season for deer. My dog runs loose and we have lots of hunters for the 6 week season each year. It's safer for my dog plus my parents adore my dog and treat him like a king when he stays with them. We had a lovely visit. But there was this...

Let me preface by saying my parents live in a little town, and are involved in various things so they know lots of people. At the dedication we kept running into people my mom knew from her work or wherever and she would introduce us. One lady said Oh are you the one with the little baby? I said no that is my SIL. And my mom chirps up she's the one with the dog. Now I know my mom meant well, but it was as if she said no she's the one that's infertile.

I feel like I am a "less than" person because I do not have children. Later we were talking about a co-worker of my mother's whose husband has cancer. She was telling us how they used to travel and ski in Europe all the time before the cancer. My husband asked "Wow what did he do?, he must have made lots of money." My mom said well they never had kids so you know.
Because if you don't have children you can jet set around the world. I was angry and hurt. Why do people refer to people w/o kids that way? We don't know that they didn't want children but couldn't have them.

But then I realized I think this about myself. I think of myself as a "less than" person because we can't/don't have children.

Until I stop thinking of myself this way how can I influence others to stop. So maybe the bigger question is WHY do I feel this way? What do I need to do to reprogram my brain to start valuing myself regardless of my status as a mother?

Song

What was your favorite song this year? Five years ago? Ten years ago? Twenty?

Oh man this is a tough one. Right now I have been listening to the song "This too Shall Pass" by Ok Go. But I also love me some P!nk. One other song I love is Wagon Wheel by OCMS. (these songs aren't new this year but new to me). Last year the song I could not get enough of was Dave Matthews "Grey Street", it still makes me cry.

Five years ago I was listening to a lot of KT Tunstall. I really liked the song Finally I See. I had suffered my first miscarriage and was trying to figure it all out. (still am)

Ten years ago I was listening to a lot of Beth Orton, and Donna the Buffalo "There is No Place Like the Right Time" (We danced to this song at our wedding). Just finishing up grad school, and moving to NC.

Ok so 20 years ago it was 1990 and I was 15 years old. This was my phase with The Cure, I still love "Just Like Heaven". Holed up in my room sullen 15 year old girl. I also love the Indigo Girls "Closer to Fine".

Oh so many memories wrapped up in music.

Dream House

What would your dream home/apartment/condo/yurt look like? Where would it be? Who'd live in it with you?

I have to say that I am very lucky. I live in my dream house. We bought 106 acre pine plantation a few months after we were married in 2003. We were in the process of selling my husband's house when we stumbled on the ad advertising our land for sale. We had previously looked a several tracts with less acreage and a lot more cost. We saw the ad on Sunday and on Monday DH went to check it out. I was battling a monster cold and had stayed home from work. DH came home ecstatic about this land and I said great let's make an offer. He said no, we can't do that until you see it. So the next morning at 6am I stumbled out of the truck to look at the land. I looked around and said it looks great let's do it. Two hours later I called the real estate agency and offered the asking price. We locked in and we were lucky too because the real estate agent said after we called he had 13 more offers for more than the asking price. Our land is beautiful, in the foothills of the Uwharrie Mountains in the Piedmont of NC. I love that we live in middle of nowhere. We lived in a rental house for four years before we started building our house. I studied house plans forever before deciding on our house plan. We have two story brick home with cute front porch, back deck, carport and a full basement. Our floor plan is open that way when one person is cooking they are still a part of the action in the living room. Our master bedroom has a great master bath on the first floor. We plan to live here until we die or we are unable to care for ourselves. Our upstairs guest bedroom has a fabulous view. I love my house. It makes me so happy when I pull up the driveway and see it especially when my cats and dog run out to greet me.

My nearest neighbor is a half mile away. In the summer when I come home from running I often strip down naked outside and hang my clothes on the line. On Saturday DH shot a deer from the dormer window upstairs (how redneck can we be?). We live on a gravel road with 6 houses on the 2 mile stretch. We have wild turkeys, deer, coyotes, quail, and rattlesnakes.

In addition to my husband I wish to share our home with a child. Our child. I wish that one of our angel babies had lived to enjoy our house and land like we do. I pray that one day we will be able to share our dream.

People

What makes you notice someone?

This is a hard question because there are so many things that make me notice someone. I will start with shoes. If you are a woman I will look at your shoes, and if you have really cool shoes I am definitely more interested in you. I love shoes. It's actually sort of a problem for me. I also notice toe nails if you are wearing open toed shoes particularly if your nails are painted. One of my girlfriends has 4-yr old twins and they always look at my toes when I come to visit. It's a lot a pressure to have a good pedicure.

I notice a person's clothes. Are they cute, stylish do I want to wear what they have? I sound incredibly superficial here. Yikes.

I also look at people's eyes and eyebrows. My husband's eyebrows and freckles were the first thing I noticed about him. He has wonky eyebrows that need waxing. He only lets me pluck them once in a while. I also notice people's expressions. Do they look happy, sad, peaceful etc. ? When I see couples around my age w/o children I notice them. I wonder are you like me? I am sensitive to how they react around kids and conversations about kids. Being infertile has made me very hyper aware of these situations. I always seem to notice pg women too, and then I immediately look away. I wish I could look at them and smile, but I'm not quite there yet.

In other news I got my flu shot yesterday and now my armpit hurts. WTF? What does that mean? Is my lymph node inflamed or something? What do you do about a hurty armpit? Also I still haven't ovulated, it's cd 17. I was hoping my new herbs were going to give me the magical O on cd 14. If I can just ovulate before cd 20 that would be nice. I've only had a 28 day cycle unmedicated once in the last 5 years, so maybe I am asking too much. Acupuncture tomorrow.

childhood toy

What toy from your childhood do you still have in your possession?

This was the prompt from Oct. 29th, but I didn't like today's prompt so this is the one I'm going with.

I have two special toys from my childhood. One is my Winnie the Pooh Bear. Pooh was a gift from my great grandmother before I was born. He has been very loved. He is missing half his nose and his arm has been resown one. He also has big stitches going up his back where his stuffing came out once. I think he had a vest or a t-shirt at one time but as long as I can remember he has been naked. The other toy is a stuffed koala bear. For some reason I was really into koala bears when I was 4-6 years old. I finally got to see one in real life at a special exhibit at the Knoxville Zoo when I was 15. I remember being disappointed because koala's sleep like 23 hours a day and eat for the one hour they are awake. So it wasn't the most exciting animal. But still cute. Anyway my stuffed animal koala was named Francis. I have no idea where I came up with that name but that was his name. Oh yeah Francis was a boy. I took Francis everywhere, and left him behind accidently a few times. I remember several times freaking out to my parents in our 1980 blue Honda civic hatchback to turn around because I left Francis at McDonald's or wherever. Somehow I always managed to get him back. He went with me to college and grad school and now has a special place in our guest room upstairs with Pooh Bear.

books

Describe the plot of the next book you want to read, even if the book doesn't exist yet.

The next book I want to read is The Help by Kathryn Stockett. I checked it out from our local library two weeks ago and it's due next week. I haven't opened it yet because I am trying to finish reading another book I started while at the beach.

The Help is about a young white woman in the early 1960s in Mississippi who becomes interested in the plight of the black ladies' maids that every family has working for them. She writes their stories about mistreatment, abuse and heartbreaks of working in white families' homes, all just before the Civil Rights revolution.

This book has come highly recommended from my librarian mother and several friends. My mom's library at a small liberal arts college had a book club discussion about the book and said it was great. So anyway I will most likely be renewing it next week and hopefully start reading it this weekend.

National Blog Posting Month (NaBloPoMo)

Tell us the story of a piece of jewelry you own. Where did it come from, and what does it mean to you?

My wedding band belonged to my grandmother. My grandparents were married for 55 years and died 6 weeks apart from each other in 1996. My grandmother had ALS, but we didn't know that was the cause of her illness until the day before she died.

She was a fun woman full of spunk and eye for fashion. I didn't know that her hair was gray until I was in my late teens, because she always dyed it black. I continue this tradition, but dye my hair blond as it is easier maintenance. Vanity may be hereditary. My grandma was a terrible cook and she made no claims to be otherwise. My grandpa used to say she could burn water. They were such a cute couple and loved each other very much. My grandpa took care of her and lived to please her.

She always wanted a pet, but my grandpa didn't want one, because they traveled so much, so instead she started feeding a baby alligator from the canal behind their home in Florida. She gave it marshmallows and called it "baby", but Baby got big and one day came up to the back door and scared my grandma to death. That was the end of her alligator feeding.

My grandma had two wedding bands. The first was the original a simple yellow gold 14K band, the second was a blinged out diamond encrusted band. When my grandma died my grandpa gave the first band to me (the oldest granddaughter) and the diamond band to my cousin. This describes the differences between myself and my cousin completely. I wore the band on a gold chain around my neck until the day I got married and my husband placed it on my hand in 2003. We had our initials and our wedding date engraved inside. I didn't have to have it re sized or anything, it fit perfectly on my hand . It means so much to me to have this ring and have a symbol of my grandparents love for each other with me always.

One day maybe I will have a daughter to pass this ring on to, and if not it will go to my eldest niece.

imaginary time lines

Next week it will be five years since my first miscarriage. Five years and 8 pregnancies later still no baby. Do you ever put imaginary time lines or limits on things? Like I need to finish this race in a certain time. If I don't make that goal, I'm terrible disappointed in myself and then feel obligated to race again in order to try again to achieve that time. Does anything happen if I don't achieve this goal? no. Just me beating myself up again. Seven times I dusted myself off after saying this is it, no more I just cannot do this anymore. Yet here I am again with a tiny glimmer of hope in my heart to try one more time.

During my second miscarriage I was in the OB's office sobbing asking why? why does this happen and she said "I don't know, just keep trying. I had a patient who had 7 miscarriages before she carried to term." I remember thinking 7, whoa I could never do that. I won't be like that I couldn't possibly survive that much loss. And yet here I stand. I know someone who had 13 losses before having her daughter and I've always thought "man that took some guts". For some reason double digits really push my imaginary boundaries. But that's why you keep trying because of stories like that, because maybe this will be the one that will stick.

A fellow RPL sufferer is really hurting now and my heart just aches for her. It makes me want to scream and punch and kick. F.U. God why does this happen? But it does happen. I want so badly to have a reason this happens a problem that can be solved, an illness that can be cured. And for some it is as easy as that, and for others it just isn't.

So next Friday is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, I will light a candle as I remember my lost children and those lost by my sisters. I just thought about saying Tip a 40 for my homies... but that sounds a little crass. But maybe it made you laugh a little.

Things on the marriage front are improving, and I'm continuing with therapy, acupuncture and herbs. My cycle is still wonky as in it's cd 23 and I still haven't ovulated... c'mon stupid ovaries. If things continue to improve we might ttc in January.

We leave for the Outer Banks on the 17th and I CANNOT WAIT... I just hope it warms up a little. but even if it doesn't it will be a much needed vacation.

I'm contetmplating another 1/2 marathon in December b/c I would really like to shave 10 more minutes off my time, but it's a hilly course and the weather could be dreadful. If I train now I could possibly drop those last 5-7 pounds I want to lose. See imaginary goals and timelines. But a good distraction from my SIL's second child due Dec. 12.

onward and upward right?

TCM and other bits

I went for an acupuncture nutrition appointment, which turned into more of a TCM (traditional Chinese medicine) appt. I've done this before, but each time I got pg really quick instead of giving my body a few months with the herbs and acupuncture. M.M. the TCM doc says that my YIN is all depleted as is my blood. She says I need to give my body time to rebuild from all the loss. She also feels it takes everything I have to produce and egg and once an embryo implants I have nothing left to sustain it. She wants us to wait at least 3 months before ttc again, and truly it might be longer. I am willing to give it whirl, and I think there is merit in TCM. So I left with a bottle full of herb granules to dissolve in water, and floating after an acupuncture treatment. I heart acupuncture.

My therapy and neurofeedback is progressing well. Last week she had me relive my first miscarriage. Very heavy stuff. But I am feeling stronger everyday. I was able to handle an awkward confrontation with my MIL, where she asked me why we didn't just get a surrogate? (as if they fall from trees or something). She also told she always thought she would be a grandmother. Instead of seething with anger or crying I calmly told her I wanted her to be a grandmother too, but that might not happen. I also explained that getting a surrogate was a difficult process and right now our marriage and building a healthy relationship was more important. Not to mention the fertility drugs, the cost, and so on. So points for me.

But then last night DH and I had another whopper of a fight. Where he told me I was hateful and used sex as a weapon. I don't think I use sex as a weapon, but why does he feel this way? He said he was depressed and unhappy and I was making it worse. I countered that he is an angry bitter man who is difficult to be around. Major loss of points.

Clearly we really have some problems. I am going to suggest we see a marriage counselor. Someone neutral who doesn't know either of us. There has to be a way we can grow and evolve together. I love this messed up man, but I will not let him take me back on another downward spiral. I cannot fix him, and I cannot make him want to get well. But I can continue to do what is best for me to continue to heal.

At this point ttc is not in the picture or even on the horizon. There are much more important things right now.

HSG report

Had my HSG yesterday it doesn't get better the second time around. Seriously it hurt like a mother fucker. I broke out in a cold sweat and I thought I might faint. I took the ibuprofen and half a valium but still bad. So here's what we saw, my left tube is SUPER achiever and spilled with great velocity. Righty is probably fine, but it was hard to tell b/c lefty was all "in yo face I can spill better than you bee-otch!" So what the hell does that mean? I think my tubes are clear. Apparently if there is anything else to say the Doctor is going to call me. So so so glad that is over.

I'm getting a massage today. I cannot wait for 5:30 to get here. Also I can't stop eating, I think I have a tape worm. My diet is going straight to hell. Speaking of diets I'm thinking of seeing a nutritionist. My internet RPL friends have been writing some interesting things about dairy, wheat and gluten. I say this as I shove buffalo wing pretzel pieces down my throat, and dream about my glass of wine this evening. But seriously if we are going to TTC again I want to give it everything I have. So I'm thinking about meeting with a holistic nutritionist and doing acupuncture. Let's spend more money YAY!

So there's the synopsis, Left Tube rocks, right tube might be kind of slow, septum is still gone, I'm feeding my tape worm junk food, and thinking seeing a nutritionist.

The return of AF

So AF finally came on cd 35. I'm not sure when or if I ovulated because my clear blue easy fertility monitor showed 10 straight days of high fertility and then went to low. No peak day to be found. So I really wasn't sure what to expect this cycle.

I started charting again. I have taken my BBT in almost two years, since m/c #5. Even though I have the fertility monitor I thought I might do this too. Really just to get more in touch with my cycle all together. Does this mean we are going to try again? I still don't have an answer for that. I am leaning that way, but waiting to see what my upcoming HSG shows us.

My thoughts on this are that, we have yet to get pregnant and try the immune therapy. So in order for me to feel I have truly given it my best shot, we need to try this as well. However I am not sure my heart is in it and that is why I waffle. Right now I feel good about where my therapy is taking me, and working on repairing my marriage. The added stress of TTC and getting pregnant is so unappealing right now, but tik tok tik tok.... blah.

In the meantime I think I have alienated a dear friend. She is 5 mos. pg w/#2 and when I tried to explain to her that I have to wrap my head around the fact I might not ever be a mother to a living child, she accused me of giving up. I told her I wasn't giving up I was being real. That childlessness is a reality for me and that makes it hard to relate with my peers. She is a member of a club I can't get in. In hindsight it sounds so mean, but I was just trying to get her to hear how I was feeling. I haven't spoken to her since then and I know I need to call.

We've scheduled a fall beach trip to the island in October and I can't wait. I'm running a 10k next month and training for that. We've joined a local church and I really like it. So things are looking up. I'm feeling lots better. If weather would just turn a little cooler and it would be bliss for the time being.

Time Warp *updated

Do you ever hear a song or listen to a cd that swoops you back in time? Today on the way to work I popped in a Beth Orton cd, and suddenly its the summer of 2000 and I am in grad school in Tennessee laying on my bed with headphones during a thunderstorm. That summer was a crazy summer. I was 25. I had an affair with a guy who was living with his girlfriend. I also dated one of my former students and a marine on leave. What the hell was I thinking? My dog was a puppy and my family was still in Indiana. I struggled everyday with wanting quit school and just work. Somehow I finished and on time to boot. I wore overall shorts (I know fashion faux pas). I went to Chicago with former student boy and that was probably one of the more awkward weekends of my life, b/c we hadn't spoken for two weeks prior to the trip. He met my parents, plus he had a small penis (size matters) and a drinking problem.

That was also the summer I tried to go hiking every weekend. I miss doing that. Whoa flashback city.

**I hope I don't sound like a complete whore here, I had been in a monogamous relationship for 4.5 years prior and it took me a year to recover from that relationship. So that summer was a rebound summer for sure.**

zero

Finally my beta is at zero. No more weekly blood draws whoo hoo! My Ob wants me to have an HSG done to make sure my tubes are clear next cycle, boo! I do not look forward to that experience again. Then he says we can try again the following cycle.

I still don't know where I stand on that. On trying again that is. I started therapy up again last week with a new therapist. It was ok, she is into neuro-feedback as well as talk therapy. I'm willing to give it a try. I'm reading Silent Sorority right now and Pamela Jeanne writes so well exactly what I am feeling.

My marriage is in the shitter right now and we've got to work this out before moving forward in any way. I'm not really sure how to approach this, but I am starting with working on me.

questioning

I finally started to bleed and cramp today. My beta dropped yesterday, and with this recent development I am hoping they will continue to drop when I go back to the doctor Wednesday.

This pregnancy has left me reeling and my BFF revealed today that she is expecting again in January. The question that keeps getting asked is will you keep trying? The answer is complicated and truly I just don't know. DH and I have hit a rough patch and need to navigate this mine field. I'm tired of needles, and tired of doctors, tired of waiting, tired of putting my life on hold, tired of being tired. I know I have said these things before, but everything seems pretty pointless and hopeless right now.

Will having a child erase all these feelings? I don't think it will, and it makes me question why are we doing this in the first place. Is this the me I really want to be? Do I like who I have become? Who is this man I am married to, who cannot bear to around children b/c the pain is too great?

Where is the joy in my life? Where is the fun we used to have? If we choose to get off this track will our families support us? Will I be pushing my will on DH? Having a baby will not solve all these problems, nor make our lives less complicated. I really question whether the end justifies the means.

waiting again

My betas have continued to go up slowly, so yesterday my OB/Gyn's nurse called to tell me I needed to go to the hospital to get the methotrexate shot. This was around 10am yesterday and I had full day planned at work, including getting my hair cut and colored. The condition of my roots was beyond critical and I already had rescheduled this hair appointment 3 times. Not to mention one of our congressional representatives was coming to visit our farmers market and had called me directly (well his secretary called) to make sure I would give them the tour. So it would not be possible for me to get to the hospital that is an hour away until after 5pm. I asked if I couldn't go today as it was a better day but no, she felt it was critical I get the shot that day. I don't understand that for a whole week it was all let's just wait and see, and then suddenly it's you gotta get the shot NOW. I mean my beta level was still only 169. So after I met with the congressman, got my haircut and had a meeting with the city I headed to the hospital.

This is a Women's Hospital that I have never been to. It's very nice and the nurses were very compassionate and nice about my situation. Which is very different than anything I have experienced before. I feel good that should I ever actually deliver a baby I would be in good hands there. Ok on with the story. I arrive at the hospital around 6:15 they bring me in quick and take vitals, and explain what is going to happen. I have to explain my story too, which brought out the tears, but not too bad. They have to do a full cbc and another stinking beta. It takes a little over an hour for them to run the blood. Luckily there is a nice shopping center nearby and they said I could leave and come back. At 8pm they call me back, take vitals again go over again what is going to happen (new nurse). The new nurse asks if I have been to see an endocrinologist yet..hah I've been to four. I explain my immune issues and what that means. She asks me if I am in the medical profession, and is shocked when I tell her I am in agriculture. She says you could write a book, like "miscarriages for dummies". Oh bless her heart, I know she meant well but really? We are waiting for the pharmacist to make up the shot. Finally at 8:50pm I get the shot and that is that. They send me on my way. I got home at 10pm.

They gave me conflicting information about when I would start cramping and bleeding. One nurse said within 24 hours and they other said in 3 days. Today I decided to stay home from work because I didn't want to start heavy cramping there, and I was unsure of how the side effects would actually effect me. So far, I am just sensitive to light, and I have dull throbbing headache, which may or may not be from crying for days on end. Otherwise I feel ok, no cramping or bleeding. I go back for another beta on Saturday and have an appointment with my Ob on Wednesday. I really hope this works, and gets through my system quickly.

They said I could go out in the sun as long as I wore a hat and sunscreen which is good because I have some research on two farms that I have to go change and collect the insect traps. And I would like to go running too. Hopefully tomorrow will not be as bloody hot as it has been the last two days. We could really use some rain.

Still in Hell

This is worse than a miscarriage I think. I hate being in limbo. My beta today was 126. This is obviously not a viable pregnancy. It is not obvious if it is ectopic yet. My vein rolled this morning and that hurts like a mother fucker. I hate the ob/gyn office full of glowing preggo women, and then there is me with my scarlet letter screaming INFERTILE or worse "habitual aborter" to scare the others. I fall apart and have panic attacks each time I am there. I'm waiting for Dr. T to call me back and tell me if I can stop the lovenox, and progesterone. I want to know how many beta's does it take for them to decide if I need the methotrexate shot. I don't know how much more my veins can take.

welcome to hell

HCG level yesterday 76

HCG level today 96

u/s showed empty ute, and tubes.

OB says get back on crinone and start taking lovenox, beta test again Thursday.

Still waiting to hear back from Dr. C in Chicago, and clinic in SC.

My world just crashed in, and I am fighting for air......

**update: both clinics are of the opinion that this is an ectopic pg, but feel I should stay with my ob for monitoring and any follow up.

HCG levels

I think my HCG levels have increased.. WTF? I still haven't started to bleed, and my breasts are tender. This morning I took an HPT and the line came up pretty quick and much darker than the faint tests I had on Wednesday. What does this mean? Is it ectopic? How long before they can determine that? Poop.

over

It's over, beta #2 was 16, levels are dropping. The clinic is calling it a chemical pregnancy. Honestly I am relieved. The anxiety and agony of waiting for these results, all the while not feeling pregnant and not feeling good at all about this cycle. I felt a HUGE weight off my shoulders when the call came in. They took more blood tests for an APA and RIP to see if they can see what goes on in my body when I am pregnant even if it is just a little pregnant. I have a phone consult to go over the results in July 8th, and maybe it will add some more pieces to the puzzle of my RPL. Thank you all for your support and loving comments. I hope you don't think less of me, because I am not devastated by this loss. In some ways I feel like it doesn't count. I still want to have a baby, I want to be pregnant. I still believe this is possible.

beta

My beta was positive but my number was very dismal at 17.6 . I do not have a good feeling. I'm waiting to hear back from the clinic in Chicago to see what they want me to do. I'm inclined to wait for a second beta to see if the numbers are doubling. Still the last time I had a beta this low it was considered a chemical pregnancy, there was no development at 6 weeks, pg#5, also with clomid.
bah...

why do I do this?

Tests #3, and 4 were lily white negatives, so at 12dpo I called it, and told DH we would need to try again. But then I started thinking about when I actually ovulated versus when they gave me the trigger shot. So they gave me the trigger shot on June 7 (Monday) so technically I ovulated 36 hours later on Tuesday June 8th. So really yesterday was 11dpo right? Making today 12dpo and of course I POAS. there is a very very very very faint line. My beta is tomorrow and I withheld the urge to run out and buy an expensive FREPT b/c tomorrow we will know for sure. So I have studied a pee stick most of the day. What kind of freak am I?

test # 2

still negative, but it's still early. still hopeful... sort of

mind f*ck

Ok, so I tested on Sunday (6dpo) afternoon, and got a BFN, but that was not fresh morning pee so I thought I should test again this morning and again BFN. So I assume this means the trigger is out of my system at 8dpo. I am worried this means maybe it didn't work. No one else seems to have their trigger gone this early. Maybe my cheap internet tests are no good. Last time I tested positive at 11dpo w/internet cheapies. I wish I would have tested earlier to know how long the trigger lasted in my system. I still have a little hope b/c this morning I woke up and my sense of smell seems to be uber sensitive and my breasts are slightly sore.

I hate when I do this to myself. I have been going running just 2 miles and slow, also listening to my relaxation cd which is helpful too. My plan is to test again Thursday and Friday. The timing of all this is almost exactly the same as last time, hopefully this one will have a better outcome.

I feel like a crazy maniac.

2 week wait

I am now officially in the middle of my 2ww. We triggered last Monday, I had one follie that was 19. That doesn't sound very big based on my Dr. Google research but the doctors and nurses felt good about it so there you go. We followed our instructions on intercourse and then some, for added coverage and now it's the waiting game. I've read that you can try to home test starting 8-10 days past trigger and not get a false positive. Anyone had any experience with this? I have my beta June 21 which will be 14dpo (or trigger). I don't think I can hold out that long. I am worried about making travel plans to Chicago if I get a positive and I want to get intralipid therapy ASAP if I am pg.

The biggest bummer of my appointment on Monday was the nurse said absolutely no exercise until my beta. Shit, I have gained close to 4 pounds since we started meds. I need to run and go to the gym for my sanity. She said I could walk, but I just don't get the same endorphins from that. For me exercise has taken the place of my antidepressant. She specifically said no twisting so I'm thinking a slow easy run would be ok. And maybe my Pump class as long as I pass on the abs part. I know ME and Body Combat would be out, which is more sad b/c I love those classes. I just have to keep my eye on the prize, and not turn into a giant bowl of cookie dough.

stupid ovaries

I'm responding to the meds but my follies are not big enough to trigger. Only 14mm, so I have to take mena.pur until Sunday, go back to the clinic Monday and hopefully trigger. My E2 was 189. I don't know what that means but the nurse told me it was good and I was responding. It's only CD11, I never ever ovulate naturally before CD19 and with femara I did o on CD14. So technically this is a good cycle. I was just hoping that it would all look good this morning and we would trigger today. If my clinic wasn't a 300mile round trip drive it wouldn't be so bad. And really it's not bad. just mildly irritating.... In other news my family is having a war on fa.ce.book which is stupid, but I also responded in an e-mail not a wall post to my cousin that she was out of line talking to my dad like that. So now I've got that to deal with too. Again in the grand scheme not a big deal just mildly irritating. I had a good cry on the way home from the clinic. I really haven't cried like that in a long time. Meds, hormones, disappointment, I don't know.

I'm watching Law & Order my comfort show right now. Old episodes are awesome. I heart Lenny Brisco.

And so it begins....

I start my Cl.o.mid today... Yesterday I had my baseline scan and then learned how to give myself mena.pur injections. It was a little overwhelming but I know I can do this. I don't know how you IVF girls do it. This is my first medicated cycle with injectibles. My new clinic gave a detailed calendar and instructions. I love calendars and lists, so this gives me mucho comfort. Fingers crossed my follicles grow and we can trigger next Friday. Meanwhile I plan to keep my regular exercise schedule to keep my stress level down. Truthfully I am slightly terrified about this. One I cannot fathom dealing with another miscarriage but at least I know how to deal with that. What's more scary is what if this works? What if I make it to the 2nd trimester? Will my head explode? Will the world stop turning?

I know, I know, one day at a time.

here we go again

We are on vacation right now it's raining so I am blogging. DH is out fishing in the rain, and I am waiting for it to stop so I can go on a run. I am one of those weird people who exercise while on vacation. Maybe it somehow cancels out all the beer. I ovulated early this cycle so it appears I will be start my period Sunday. This means we will begin our last try at having a baby biologically. So next week will be clomood rage followed by menapur, trigger shot and timed intercourse. Whee! Last week I met with a new OB. Dr. T (Thanks for the recommendation JJ) was great and agreed to monitor me through this process. I asked if I could bypass the happy baby package nurse appt. initially until it was clear I would make it through the first trimester. He agreed to that. That in itself is a huge relief. I've had that appt. too many times already. Once I have positive beta I will make an appt. for an intralipid infusion in Chicago. So I will keep you posted as we get on this roller coaster again. Maybe this time will be a better ending.

Oh... I found this beautiful necklace here on the island at a little gallery I always shop at. It' sterling silver with a dragonfly and this quotation etched on it "Gracefulness has been defined to be the outward expression of the inward harmony of the soul. Grace must find expression in life. Grace glides on blistered feet. Grace is the refinement of your soul through time"

As always I am trying to find my grace.

Project IF 2010

Category: How infertility impacts your emotional health.

What if I have to learn to live childfree with a smile….forever?

This used to be my fear and still is in many ways. Every once in a while I find myself chanting, I can't have children, I can't have children, an imaginary response to the question "So do you have kids?". It's often as I pass the elem. school on my way to work that I find myself doing this. Five years of TTC with 7 miscarriages under my belt has made me have very little faith in myself. In fact there is little that I don't doubt myself on anymore. I question my ability to achieve anything. Five years ago we started to TTC, I stopped taking the pill and just knew I would be p/g in 3 months. And I was... only to lose the baby six weeks later. Back then I thought by 2010 I would have two kids and considering a third in two years.

My life my plans my view of myself have drastically changed in so many ways. IF/RPL will push you to your very limits. Make you question your will to survive. After my last miscarriage in August I found myself thinking about driving my car into a tree. While in Oregon I envisioned throwing myself off the cliffs and into the Pacific. These terrible thoughts gave me peace during that time. It is macabre. It is sad and disgusting. It is true.

I'm more than aware that these are symptoms of major clinical depression. Over the last six months those thoughts have gone away. I never really wanted to die I just wanted to stop, escape the pain, suffering, guilt, sense of failure and disappointment on repeatedly losing my child, my hopes, my dreams. Quite frankly losing whole pieces of myself to where I couldn't recognize me anymore.

This experience has stripped my husband and I down to our very cores exposing the ugly parts of our souls. It has pushed our marriage to the edge.

Through prayer and sheer determination and will power, I feel we have clawed our way through to the other side.

The thought that we may live childfree does not scare me anymore. Sometimes it makes me sad, but sometimes I think it might be fun. It will hard to not belong to that club all our friends belong to, but we can have very full lives without children. No matter what happens IF/RPL has forever changed me, but finally I can start to see glimpses of myself again. I am still here and I can still love. That gives me strength for another day.

To see more of this project go to:
Stirrup Queens, Bloggers Unite

For more information on infertility go to RESOLVE

Please help spread the word and educate others:

National Infertility Awareness Week

35

Tomorrow is my 35th birthday. Hummphhh. The lyrics to An.i Di.Franco's song Wish I May roll through my head...

"it takes a stiff upper lip
just to hold up my face
i gotta suck it up and savour
the taste of my own behaviour
i am spinning with longing
faster then a roulette wheel
this is not who i meant to be
this is not how i meant to feel"

This is NOT who I meant to be... this bitter shell of who I used to be. I hate that this thing RPL has taken so much of my joy, has taken my ability to have joy for others. I hate what it has done to my husband and I hate that I don't know what or how to make it better. Last night we had THE conversation again. We talk about money and the potential costs of trying to have a biological child. The cost and knowing there is no guarantee that we will carry to term make this that much harder. So I ask him to look hard inside and tell me if wants to do this, because I need him to be totally on board. This is hard there is nothing easy about this.

When we have THIS conversation, it somehow falls back to my brother and his wife and how they were not supportive during our losses. My husband does not forgive this, and feels they do not deserve a child, nonetheless they have one and we do not. He has chosen to not take part in family gatherings because of this. While this hurts me, I respect his choice and do not push it. But he has to understand that I won't sever ties and my niece is important to me. I want to be a part of her life. I want to be there for her if she needs someone and I want her to feel loved. That means I have to suck up my own feelings of insecurity and grief and go to the 1st birthdays and other functions. I know he wants to wrap ourselves in a world where there are no oops babies and all parents have good jobs and make good decisions before they have a child. You know that this is not possible and moreover I wouldn't even exist if my parents had waited to meet those expectations. My brother loves that baby with all his heart and so does his wife and they will do anything for her. I think my husband needs a target to direct his anger at all our misfortune and my brother is it.

So we continue on this endless merry-go-round and really I just want to get off. It's my birthday tomorrow and I want something to be joyful about.

now I'm just eating hush puppies

nom nom nom..... suck it WW!

Internetz we kinda sorta have a plan.... We will wait to get back on the TTC coaster until after our vacation the OBX in May. The idea of trying to schedule treatments and being at the scary 8-9 week stage on vacation is not appealing. I want to be able to enjoy this trip.

The blood tests showed that I am heterozygous for MTHFR, PA1, Factor viii. Dr. C. said this means my body is not absorbing folic acid like it should, so now I am on a Rx folic acid 1mg/day. She said right now no lovenox, but that may change based on blood tests when I get pg again. My ANA's were negative again so that is good. The only other thing wrong is elevated NK cell activity.

The other interesting thing my primary care Dr. K told me with results from my last round of blood tests is that I am deficient in oleic acid, zinc and all antioxidants. Dr. K seems to think I am running on fumes and my body would not be able to fight off a major infection. My immune system is bunk.

WTF? He is puzzled by this b/c I do eat well and I exercise regularly. What is the deal with my body not absorbing vitamins? So now I am on a bunch of supplements
Co Q 10, chromium, zinc, selenium, Vit. D, plus my pre-natal and the prescription Folic Acid. I had to buy an old lady pill holder just to keep up with it all. Plus he wants me to eat a piece of citrus everyday.

Where was I? oh yeah the plan.. The plan is a medicated timed intercourse cycle end of May beginning of June. As soon as I have a positive beta, I am to have either an IVIG or intralipid infusion. Weekly u/s monitoring, Weekly testing of NK, and ANA during first trimester with bi-weekly phone consults with Dr. C. Infusions every 4 weeks. Minimum of 2 Maximum of 4. If insurance doesn't cover anything but the u/s monitoring we are looking at around $12,000.00. Eeeks....

Right now I know insurance will not cover the phone consults. I am still waiting to see what coverage they will give on the blood testing. Because the lab is out-of-network my deductible is double what it is for in-network. Out of pocket the blood tests are $410. Eight-12 weeks of that adds up quick. The phone consults are $250 each time. IVIG is somewhere between $1500 and $3000/infusion. I haven't gotten a clear answer yet but there is a tiny possibility for some insurance coverage. Intralipids are $600/infusion with no insurance at all. I have to fly to Chicago for intralipids. IVIG can be done 3 hours away.

The only thing that is bugging me today is that if we do this next month instead I might get more insurance coverage b/c I have already met my deductible for this plan year and I am half way there on my co-insurance. So it may make more sense not to wait. Our plan year starts over July 1 with increases in our deductibles. So there is that.

In other news I have lost another 4lbs so 12lbs in all, my skinny pants are starting to fit again. My goal is to lose another 7lbs, and I will be back to my pre IF weight. I signed up to run another half marathon in April. I going to try the Galloway walk/run method and see if I can't run a much faster time w/o pooping at some strangers house.

Oh and my birthday is in two weeks so I will officially be of advanced maternal age, great...

eating my words

Remember how I said I was getting used to the idea that maybe we wouldn't have kids....

Well I know my co-worker is pregnant again...she has not told me but my pg radar is going off like crazy and I expect an announcement any day now. And how do I feel about this?

Sad...angry...woe... Why not me? how come the rest of the world has such an easy time with this and I have death and destruction? crying in my office feeling like a failure at everything I do. Wanting to be a better person than this, wanting to be stronger.

I just had my year end evaluation (in Feb. I know) for work and I was told I need to work harder at my attitude and relationships with my co-workers. I need to "be sweet" but in the same sentence I was told I do an excellent job. I'm sorry I can't be pollyana sunshine every fucking day when it feel like the world is against me.

Fuck I need to pull myself together and get over myself.... Sorry for the rant but I guess that is what this blog is for.

ps.. I could really use a xanax right now anxiety is not my friend

bullets

I've had a blog post rolling around my head for a while, but when I start to write, it feels incoherent. Maybe bulleted points would be better

1. weight watchers:
I've been doing ww for 3 months and I've lost 8 pounds w/o being really serious about it. My mom and aunt are doing it too, and have lost lots of weight. I really want lost 10 pounds before we TTC again and before I turn 35 in March. So I'm really trying and I am REALLY hungry. Cookies are constantly calling my name and begging me to eat them.

2. drinking:
I am trying to give up drinking for 30 days, b/c
a. the points it adds up to on ww.
b. I feel like I've been drinking too much, well not really too much but more often than I should for my waistline and my pocket book.

3. running:
I ran a half marathon a few weeks ago, in the freezing cold and it sucked major monkey balls. My time was so incredibly slow. At mile 7 I realized I needed to poop and thought about jumping in the woods, but then thought maybe it will go away...it didn't. At mile 9 I was getting very desperate and thinking about what to do. We were in some residential neighborhood and I saw a man come out of his house in his pajamas and start his car to warm it up. I asked if I could please use his bathroom, and he graciously let me in. I'm sure my face was showing all sorts of desperation. So thank you kind man in Florence SC for letting me poo in your bathroom and not have an accident in my pants. By the time I slogged through miles 10 and 11 my legs decided to go on strike and the last two miles were hideous. but I finished and did not poop my pants so good race for me.

4. RPL/IF:
The potential cost for treatments with IVIG or intralipids has caused a few arguments in our house. The last blood tests were taken yesterday and hopefully in two weeks we will have a fully laid out plan. My cycle has been really off since the last miscarriage. I'm averaging 35 day cycles ovulating on day 23 or 24 so only a 11-12 day luteal phase sometimes as short as 10 days. I'm hoping my vitamin D supplement will help sort it out. Often I sit on the fence about whether this is worth it? Mel had a great post about it "Was it worth it?" and truly it is a question I think about every day. I hope and pray that it is. In many ways this has become more about me kicking the shit out of RPL rather than having a baby. So I really have to ask myself these hard questions. I'm not sure what the answers are but I'm doing a lot of soul searching.

5. Car Drama:
On the way back from the blood work Tuesday morning a big rock flew out from an oncoming semi and hit my windshield. So today I am spending the day at the library waiting for my car to get a new windshield. Yay!

So there are my bulleted points, there was probably more rolling in my head but it has since left, also I had a double latte at 8:30 and I am still shaking at noon.

Update

I had my phone consult with Dr. Coulam last week, and she wants more blood, so we will not cycle this month. She did feel that IVIG or intralipids would be the treatment for me. If I want intralipids it looks like I would need to find a way to get to Chicago once a month for the first trimester once I get pregnant. If I choose IVIG it can be done in SC (a 3 hr drive away). The big difference is cost. $3,000 for IVIG and $600 for intralipids. So we are looking into both possibilities and still waiting to find out if insurance might cover some of it. Meantime we will have the other blood tests done and wait and see.

My work up from my PCP showed I am Vitamin D deficient so now I'm taking 5000iu of Vitamin D 4 days a week. Hopefully that will improve some of my issues.

This has been a very long journey of IF/RPL and I need it to come to an end soon. That end may be without a child and that's something I am coming closer to being at peace with.