We are on vacation right now it's raining so I am blogging. DH is out fishing in the rain, and I am waiting for it to stop so I can go on a run. I am one of those weird people who exercise while on vacation. Maybe it somehow cancels out all the beer. I ovulated early this cycle so it appears I will be start my period Sunday. This means we will begin our last try at having a baby biologically. So next week will be clomood rage followed by menapur, trigger shot and timed intercourse. Whee! Last week I met with a new OB. Dr. T (Thanks for the recommendation JJ) was great and agreed to monitor me through this process. I asked if I could bypass the happy baby package nurse appt. initially until it was clear I would make it through the first trimester. He agreed to that. That in itself is a huge relief. I've had that appt. too many times already. Once I have positive beta I will make an appt. for an intralipid infusion in Chicago. So I will keep you posted as we get on this roller coaster again. Maybe this time will be a better ending.
Oh... I found this beautiful necklace here on the island at a little gallery I always shop at. It' sterling silver with a dragonfly and this quotation etched on it "Gracefulness has been defined to be the outward expression of the inward harmony of the soul. Grace must find expression in life. Grace glides on blistered feet. Grace is the refinement of your soul through time"
As always I am trying to find my grace.
About Me
- amylynn
- North Carolina, United States
- I'm a 36yr old, wife, wannabe mom, horticulturalist, halfass knitter, and sometimes runner, searching for my grace
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
Project IF 2010
Category: How infertility impacts your emotional health.
What if I have to learn to live childfree with a smile….forever?
This used to be my fear and still is in many ways. Every once in a while I find myself chanting, I can't have children, I can't have children, an imaginary response to the question "So do you have kids?". It's often as I pass the elem. school on my way to work that I find myself doing this. Five years of TTC with 7 miscarriages under my belt has made me have very little faith in myself. In fact there is little that I don't doubt myself on anymore. I question my ability to achieve anything. Five years ago we started to TTC, I stopped taking the pill and just knew I would be p/g in 3 months. And I was... only to lose the baby six weeks later. Back then I thought by 2010 I would have two kids and considering a third in two years.
My life my plans my view of myself have drastically changed in so many ways. IF/RPL will push you to your very limits. Make you question your will to survive. After my last miscarriage in August I found myself thinking about driving my car into a tree. While in Oregon I envisioned throwing myself off the cliffs and into the Pacific. These terrible thoughts gave me peace during that time. It is macabre. It is sad and disgusting. It is true.
I'm more than aware that these are symptoms of major clinical depression. Over the last six months those thoughts have gone away. I never really wanted to die I just wanted to stop, escape the pain, suffering, guilt, sense of failure and disappointment on repeatedly losing my child, my hopes, my dreams. Quite frankly losing whole pieces of myself to where I couldn't recognize me anymore.
This experience has stripped my husband and I down to our very cores exposing the ugly parts of our souls. It has pushed our marriage to the edge.
Through prayer and sheer determination and will power, I feel we have clawed our way through to the other side.
The thought that we may live childfree does not scare me anymore. Sometimes it makes me sad, but sometimes I think it might be fun. It will hard to not belong to that club all our friends belong to, but we can have very full lives without children. No matter what happens IF/RPL has forever changed me, but finally I can start to see glimpses of myself again. I am still here and I can still love. That gives me strength for another day.
To see more of this project go to:
Stirrup Queens, Bloggers Unite
For more information on infertility go to RESOLVE
Please help spread the word and educate others:
National Infertility Awareness Week
What if I have to learn to live childfree with a smile….forever?
This used to be my fear and still is in many ways. Every once in a while I find myself chanting, I can't have children, I can't have children, an imaginary response to the question "So do you have kids?". It's often as I pass the elem. school on my way to work that I find myself doing this. Five years of TTC with 7 miscarriages under my belt has made me have very little faith in myself. In fact there is little that I don't doubt myself on anymore. I question my ability to achieve anything. Five years ago we started to TTC, I stopped taking the pill and just knew I would be p/g in 3 months. And I was... only to lose the baby six weeks later. Back then I thought by 2010 I would have two kids and considering a third in two years.
My life my plans my view of myself have drastically changed in so many ways. IF/RPL will push you to your very limits. Make you question your will to survive. After my last miscarriage in August I found myself thinking about driving my car into a tree. While in Oregon I envisioned throwing myself off the cliffs and into the Pacific. These terrible thoughts gave me peace during that time. It is macabre. It is sad and disgusting. It is true.
I'm more than aware that these are symptoms of major clinical depression. Over the last six months those thoughts have gone away. I never really wanted to die I just wanted to stop, escape the pain, suffering, guilt, sense of failure and disappointment on repeatedly losing my child, my hopes, my dreams. Quite frankly losing whole pieces of myself to where I couldn't recognize me anymore.
This experience has stripped my husband and I down to our very cores exposing the ugly parts of our souls. It has pushed our marriage to the edge.
Through prayer and sheer determination and will power, I feel we have clawed our way through to the other side.
The thought that we may live childfree does not scare me anymore. Sometimes it makes me sad, but sometimes I think it might be fun. It will hard to not belong to that club all our friends belong to, but we can have very full lives without children. No matter what happens IF/RPL has forever changed me, but finally I can start to see glimpses of myself again. I am still here and I can still love. That gives me strength for another day.
To see more of this project go to:
Stirrup Queens, Bloggers Unite
For more information on infertility go to RESOLVE
Please help spread the word and educate others:
National Infertility Awareness Week
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
35
Tomorrow is my 35th birthday. Hummphhh. The lyrics to An.i Di.Franco's song Wish I May roll through my head...
"it takes a stiff upper lip
just to hold up my face
i gotta suck it up and savour
the taste of my own behaviour
i am spinning with longing
faster then a roulette wheel
this is not who i meant to be
this is not how i meant to feel"
This is NOT who I meant to be... this bitter shell of who I used to be. I hate that this thing RPL has taken so much of my joy, has taken my ability to have joy for others. I hate what it has done to my husband and I hate that I don't know what or how to make it better. Last night we had THE conversation again. We talk about money and the potential costs of trying to have a biological child. The cost and knowing there is no guarantee that we will carry to term make this that much harder. So I ask him to look hard inside and tell me if wants to do this, because I need him to be totally on board. This is hard there is nothing easy about this.
When we have THIS conversation, it somehow falls back to my brother and his wife and how they were not supportive during our losses. My husband does not forgive this, and feels they do not deserve a child, nonetheless they have one and we do not. He has chosen to not take part in family gatherings because of this. While this hurts me, I respect his choice and do not push it. But he has to understand that I won't sever ties and my niece is important to me. I want to be a part of her life. I want to be there for her if she needs someone and I want her to feel loved. That means I have to suck up my own feelings of insecurity and grief and go to the 1st birthdays and other functions. I know he wants to wrap ourselves in a world where there are no oops babies and all parents have good jobs and make good decisions before they have a child. You know that this is not possible and moreover I wouldn't even exist if my parents had waited to meet those expectations. My brother loves that baby with all his heart and so does his wife and they will do anything for her. I think my husband needs a target to direct his anger at all our misfortune and my brother is it.
So we continue on this endless merry-go-round and really I just want to get off. It's my birthday tomorrow and I want something to be joyful about.
"it takes a stiff upper lip
just to hold up my face
i gotta suck it up and savour
the taste of my own behaviour
i am spinning with longing
faster then a roulette wheel
this is not who i meant to be
this is not how i meant to feel"
This is NOT who I meant to be... this bitter shell of who I used to be. I hate that this thing RPL has taken so much of my joy, has taken my ability to have joy for others. I hate what it has done to my husband and I hate that I don't know what or how to make it better. Last night we had THE conversation again. We talk about money and the potential costs of trying to have a biological child. The cost and knowing there is no guarantee that we will carry to term make this that much harder. So I ask him to look hard inside and tell me if wants to do this, because I need him to be totally on board. This is hard there is nothing easy about this.
When we have THIS conversation, it somehow falls back to my brother and his wife and how they were not supportive during our losses. My husband does not forgive this, and feels they do not deserve a child, nonetheless they have one and we do not. He has chosen to not take part in family gatherings because of this. While this hurts me, I respect his choice and do not push it. But he has to understand that I won't sever ties and my niece is important to me. I want to be a part of her life. I want to be there for her if she needs someone and I want her to feel loved. That means I have to suck up my own feelings of insecurity and grief and go to the 1st birthdays and other functions. I know he wants to wrap ourselves in a world where there are no oops babies and all parents have good jobs and make good decisions before they have a child. You know that this is not possible and moreover I wouldn't even exist if my parents had waited to meet those expectations. My brother loves that baby with all his heart and so does his wife and they will do anything for her. I think my husband needs a target to direct his anger at all our misfortune and my brother is it.
So we continue on this endless merry-go-round and really I just want to get off. It's my birthday tomorrow and I want something to be joyful about.
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