Pictures As Requested

6 weeks

I had my six week check on Monday. I think Dr. T was shocked when I said I wanted no needed birth control. He assumed we would be like most infertiles and not worry about birth control. I need a break. I don't want to think or worry about my fertility for a while. I have spent six years temping, OPK testing, and worrying that I am pregnant and then dealing with miscarriage or stressing about a potential miscarriage. Emotionally and physically I don't want pregnancy to be in the picture. I want to enjoy Faith and take time to decide if we really want a second child or not.

So I'm on the mini pill. Dr. T says it will not affect my milk supply. I asked about IUD but he said it was expensive and if I wanted a second child sooner than 5 years that the pill would be a better choice. I'm ok with that. I don't have a problem taking a pill everyday.

I'm still dealing with anxiety and depression but I'm making a concerted effort to take care of myself everyday. I know sleep plays a role in all of this as well. I'm still navigating my relationship with my MIL and how she relates with my daughter. I disagree with her on many levels and I've had to assert myself with her and let her know Faith is my daughter not hers. She pushes every single button I have and I have to remind myself that this is her only grandchild and she is 75yrs old. Patience is the word of the day.

I go back to work in 6 weeks and I am worried how I will make all this work. I've talked with dh about him taking a more active role in care taking. He always hands her off if she is crying with the "she's hungry" excuse. Most often she is not. I need to be stronger at making him be the caretaker. I think I will need to just hand him the baby and leave the house for a few hours. I know he can do it, it's just easier for him to let me do it. This all comes back to me taking care of me. Months of bed rest and now being a new mother has left my sense of self behind. I need to get me back in order to be a better mother, wife, daughter, sister, daughter in law, friend and professional. All easier said than done.

Balance has always been a struggle, and a baby makes it that much harder.

one month

Oh my hell, a whole month has gone by and I haven't posted. We are doing well. I am struggling with some post partum depression and trying to get through w/o medication but I'm feeling like that it may be necessary. Faith has gained back her weight and then some. She and I figured out the nursing game but now we have thrush. It's so embarrassing to admit that my nipples and my baby have a yeast infection but there it is. She's asleep in the sling right now. We are working towards a schedule of sorts. Last night she slept 5 hours straight it was great, but my boobs were ready to explode. We've been nursing every 2-3 hours so 5 hours was a stretch but glorious for sleep. Faith is a restless sleeper, she grunts, moans, sighs and flails around most of the night. A tight swaddle holds her for a while but she always gets out. When she is quiet I worry she has stopped breathing so it's probably good she is rowdy sleeper. My sleepy baby window is closing so, this is a short post, but I promise to post again soon.

she's here

Faith Elizabeth was born via c-section Monday Dec. 5 at 5:28 pm. 8lbs 2 oz 20.5inches. She is so amazing. I will write the birth story soon. I was induced Sunday night and started really laboring on Monday. Labored for 9 hours before they decided to do a c-section. We have had some troubles breast feeding and Faith lost a whole lb in the hospital so we had to stay an extra day. Recovery is tough. I think we are turning the corner on feeding. We are in love.

39

Here we are at 39w3d. We go in for another u/s tomorrow. I am curious to see how big Faith will be. Dr. T says we will go ahead and schedule an induction for next week. Hopefully the threat of induction will make Faith decide it's time to come out. So far we have made little progress on the labor front. I am still waddling around with my swollen carpal tunnel hands and crocs are the only shoes that I can wear. You don't know how this breaks my shoe loving heart. But this too shall pass, because next week no matter what I will be a mom. Yikes! scared shitless.

TERM

Despite all odds I have actually carried a full term baby. WOW. Thank you to everyone who has been praying and sending us positive energy. I truly believe that is why we are here. Our appointment this week was uneventful. Faith has no interest in being born anytime soon. Cervix is dilated a fingertip but Faith has not really dropped. Dr. T is amazed and says I'm just a boring regular pregnant lady now. It's been strange being back at work. I fatigue so easily and I'm definitely feeling this 35lbs I'm carrying around. Faith measured 6.5lb at 35w4d so she could be a 9lb + baby. So here we are 37 weeks gestation, just 3 more weeks until her due date. I'm still having trouble wrapping my head around actually having a real live baby here in MY house that WE made. Patiently waiting...

Last Week

Yesterday began my last official week of bed rest. Thank the Lord! We are now 35weeks and 1 day pregnant. No one ever thought we'd make it this far. I've been promoted to moderate bed rest last week and so I have been doing light housekeeping and I go up and down stairs once a day. Next week I will go back to work. What? Yes next week I'm going back to work. I haven't driven a car in 15 weeks or stood up/ sat up for longer than 2 hours in 15 weeks and now I am going to work an 8 hour day and drive 30 minutes to and from work. I am crazy but that's how I roll. This week I am planning a massive grocery store trip after my doctor appointment Wed. and then trying to cook and freeze some meals for while I'm working and after Faith arrives. We have been living off food prepared by our church and meals my DH cooks. Bless his heart he has done a fabulous job, and I want to help out while I can. I have a feeling work will be hard on me and I won't want to cook when I get home.

We have our last u/s on Wed. A growth scan to see how ginormous Faith will be. I have read that these late u/s can be off as much as 2lbs either way. My hospital bag is packed. The car seat is in the car, we have diapers, wipes, blankets and clothes. I don't have breast pump or bottles yet, but I'm not worried about that. I'm still scared something will go horribly wrong but I'm trying hard to be prepared for things to go right.

October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remeberence Day

I am the face of first trimester pregnancy loss. Six years ago on October 17th I suffered my first miscarriage at 10weeks. I was naive and innocent to believe all pregnancies ended in a take home baby. I was at an overnight work conference in the mountains when I started bleeding. I didn't know what to do. I was 3 hours away from my doctor. I went back into the conference and the look on my face told my colleague something was wrong. I had confided in her about our pregnancy but no one else. She quickly helped me gather our stuff and drove the 3 hours back to my town.

Along the way I called my OB and they really poo pooed my concerns, because I wasn't bleeding through a pad an hour. I begged them to see me and eventually they said if I could get there by 4:30 they would see me. I hauled ass across NC to get there. I really don't know how I held it together but somehow I did. When I got to the dr. she did a physical exam and then sent me over to the hospital for an u/s. I chose this OB b/c she had been my Gyno and had recently opened her own practice. No u/s machines and she was the only doctor. All red flags now, but I didn't know. At the hospital is where the anxiety really kicked in. They brought me up to the sonography waiting room before my husband could get there. I was really starting to freak out. Finally they did the ultrasound first they tried external which was stupid b/c I was only 10 weeks along, and then they brought out the transvaginal. I had no idea that this type of u/s would soon become a regular part of my life. The screen showed nothing. As ignorant as I was at that time, even I knew that was not good. Of course the technician wouldn't tell me anything but the look on her face said it all. They sent me home and said the doctor would call me later. Finally around 9pm that night she called to tell me I had had a miscarriage and not to worry because these things happen and I would have a baby soon. Two days later the real cramping and bleeding began and I passed the rest of the tissue.

Fast forward to present day and I have had six more miscarriages all between 8 and 10weeks and one ectopic pregnancies. I have been to four different OB/Gyn practices and five different RE practices. Three of my seven miscarriages were karyotyped and were found to be two girls and one boy. This is my ninth pregnancy and at 33weeks I am still scared, but more hopeful than ever that this baby girl Faith Elizabeth will come home with me. My seven angel babies are always with me in my heart. Tonight I will light a candle in memory of my children and yours.

32.5

So here I am still pregnant and still on bed rest. I don't think Dr.T expected me to make it this far. So far we remain stable. I don't get u/s anymore at every visit. My next u/s will be at 36 weeks. Faith's heart rate is good and movement is crazy. So I don't mind no u/s and I certainly don't miss the dildo cam anyway. Six weeks will be the longest I've gone the whole pregnancy w/o an u/s though. Cervix is still closed and measuring 1.1cm. Dr.T says I'm a boring normal OB patient now. My fFN test was negative yesterday and that will be the last one we do. So Dr. T says I don't have to have a baby sitter all the time now. That's a relief, I would like a little of my independence back. At 34 we will be put on moderate bed rest and I will be allowed to move around the house more. I'm looking forward to being able to go upstairs and see the nursery in real life. At 36 we will stop all medication (procardia and prometrium) and I can go back to work full time. How weird will that be?

I went to a breast feeding class, and I feel a little more confident. Faith is head down and kicking the shit out of my ribs. The light at the end of the tunnel is finally visible. We are entering the safer window for delivery and less potential time in the NICU. Dr.T jokes about having to induce me at 41 weeks, ha ha not funny. Seriously I can't go that long.

I have pregnancy induced carpal tunnel syndrome. It's lots of fun. I have sexy wrist braces to wear at night. I'm wearing them now to get used to them. Last night I ripped them off in the middle of the night b/c I couldn't get comfortable, and then had numb fingers for the rest of the night. Only I could get carpal tunnel while on bed rest.

Picture

31 weeks

Big Baby

Growing up I was not much of a doll girl. I liked to play make believe with my stuffed animals and run around outside always. I did have one doll that I did love. I called her Big Baby. She was supposed to be the size of a newborn or a little bigger I believe. To a 2 year old that is a big baby. Big Baby had a cloth body and plastic arms and legs with a big plastic head and blinking eyes. I let Big Baby's hair go to blonde dreds, because like me, Big Baby did not care for people combing her knotty hair out. I spent most of my early years with short homemade haircuts because of my refusal to let anyone comb my hair. Naturally curly hair makes for lots of tangles and knots, and one stubborn little girl. Also I rarely dressed Big Baby so she was naked most of the time and dirty because I took outside with me. Big Baby is at my mom's house now, because she couldn't bare to get rid of her.

Yesterday I had my weekly doctor appointment. Cervix is still stable and another negative fFN test. We had a growth scan, which was a surprise to me since I thought we were just doing cervical length. Faith is measuring 4lbs! 90th percentile, one whole week ahead of schedule. My doctor said "Big Baby". We are just shy of 31 weeks. 4lbs sounds so big to me, but good if she comes early we should be all right. If we go to term God help my vagina.

All in all a good appointment, the crib came yesterday so my baby won't be sleeping in a drawer. I am more than ready to be done with bed rest. Ten weeks completed five more to go.

Patience

Oh my hell people! I am going to go bat shit crazy on my MIL any minute now. How one person can annoy the everlovin' crap out of me I do not know. Right now she is tearing my living room apart while she "cleans". I do not claim to be the best housekeeper in the world, not to mention I have been on fucking bedrest for 9 weeks now. I do not need a running commentary on how dirty my house is. I appreciate the cleaning but I could do without the judging.

I need a boatload of patience ASAP.

In other bed rest news. The nursery is no where near ready. What we have is a spare bedroom with piles of baby stuff laying all over the place. It will get done when it get's done.

My cervix is holding stable at 1.1cm. Hooray! Dr. T is very pleased that we are making our way into the 30's. Faith is presenting vertex, or head down. She continues to look strong every week. I am shocked that it's finally the third trimester. Now we just have to make it past 32 weeks.

Here's something I need to say and I hate myself for feeling this way. Particularly because I have fought so hard to be and stay pregnant and I always wanted to punch people who bitch about being pregnant....but I do not enjoy being pregnant....

I know, I should be flogged. I won't list my complaints but I do not have a glow, and this has not been some of the best months of my life.

I am really looking forward to having Faith on the outside and getting my body back to myself, but I am more than willing to wait 6-8 more weeks. I feel like I am running a marathon and I'm at the 20mile mark. Holy shit I've run 20 miles and I feel like ass. Fuck there is 6.2 more miles to go. Hopefully the fuck yeah this is awesome feeling I had with 2 miles left to go will come to me in a few weeks. Then when it's over I will say I totally want to do another one. Until then I feel like I will be slogging out these last few miles.

HOME

My cervix measured 1.1cm on Tuesday, and it's still closed. Faith measured 2lbs 13oz and looked super on the ultrasound. Yesterday we had another negative FFN test. So they discharged me from the hospital and I am back home on bed rest. We are working a schedule so that I am not home alone while DH is at work. That way we can get to the hospital as fast as possible and not have to wait for DH to get home first. This means my in laws are here. A true test of my patience that is for sure (Fox News all day, and incessant judging of our pantry and bathroom supplies. My house will never meet MIL standards) And so it goes.

I'm still having contractions but no more or more intense than they were in the hospital so I guess that means we're stable. I'm glad to be home, but miss the security of the hospital nurses and seeing my OB everyday. That's all I miss though.
29 weeks on Saturday.

GOAL!

28 weeks today. 95% survivability. Whoo Hoo! I thought we'd never get here. Hello 3rd trimester. We had another stable scan this week, my cervix is still .7cm. Thursday the 15th we will do another cervical check and a growth scan of baby Faith. If my cervix stays the same the MFM and my OB will "discuss" the possibility of sending me home to bed rest. Mixed feelings on that. On one hand I want out of the hospital so bad, on the other I like knowing if anything goes wrong we are here already.

I failed the one hour glucose test Tuesday. I was so mad. However I did pass the 3 hour test. I feel for those who have to do that in the doctor's office. It takes forever but at least here I could take a shower, and play on the computer while I waited for the next blood draw.

I had another anxiety attack after my ultrasound. They left me in the room to wait for the MFM to come talk to me, and I had all these flashbacks of my last two miscarriages where the tech left me alone in the stirrups with my dead baby on the screen. I told the MFM I couldn't do that anymore and I would gladly wait out in the hallway for her, but just don't leave me in that room. The way it works here is that I know the day I will have an ultrasound but no idea what time. It's impossible for me to arrange it so I won't be alone. The MFM was nice about it, and said of course they would try not to leave me in the ultrasound room for very long any more. This time I managed the attack without medication.

Yesterday the social worker came again, and I didn't cry or even tear up. Go me. The health educator came too, and brought me some booklets and links on line so we can go through a virtual birth class. I'm still having contractions about 1/hour. Dr. T says that's normal and he's not worried.

I'm starting to feel like we might get a take home baby for real. I am in awe.

27 weeks

It was been a long week here in the hospital bed. Monday I had my ultrasound and my cervix was the same length as the week before .7cm. We also had another negative fFN test. My contractions remain under control with the procardia. So good news all around and Dr. T says if I remain stable after 28 weeks I might be able to go back home to bed rest.

Emotionally Monday I was spent. I had a full blown anxiety attack and kicked a chaplain out of my room. I couldn't calm down, my heart was racing and it felt like a boulder on my chest. My nurse was a super star and took care of me, telling me that this was my house and no one goes through that door without my ok. To clarify the chaplain did nothing, her presence just set me off. I just do not have the mental fortitude right now to talk about anything other than what's happening right now. I cannot rehash my losses and explain my life to another stranger. They ended up giving me a xanax and after a couple hours I was good again. Dr. T. was understanding and good to me. He also gave me wheel chair privileges, so I can outside for 20 minutes a day. The rest of the week has been ok. My mom spent the day with me Wednesday, and DH has been coming in the afternoons and staying until I eat dinner. Dr. T went to the beach for the weekend so the other doctors in my OB practice stop by. I've not met any of them, but so they have been nice. Faith is now breech, which is good for my cervix bad for my bladder. Apparently she is training to be on the Olympic soccer team.

Tuesday I have my weekly cervix check and the dreaded glucose test. I really hope I pass that sucker, having to restrict my diet and be on bed rest would be beyond unfair.

Adjustments

We are adjusting to our new hospital life. I'm getting the routine of the nurse shifts and learning who I like and who I could do without. Dr.T has come to see me everyday. That has really impressed me. Yesterday was his day off and he still came by. It was the first time we have seen him in street clothes instead of scrubs. They hook me up to the monitors three times a day to check on contractions, and the baby's heartbeat. Speaking of the baby we decided to give out her name, because so many people are asking and praying for her. Drum roll please...... Faith Elizabeth.. I've been calling her Faith for a while but now it is official. It's taken a huge amount of faith to get this far, so I think it's appropriate. So Faith looks awesome on the monitors, she is a mover and a shaker. Sometimes they have to hunt around to get her heartbeat and keep it on the monitor. When she is on the monitor and doing her thing it sounds like she is building something with saws and hammers because of all the static she creates. The nurses all say this means she is really healthy and strong. The procardia has really slowed the contractions. Dr. T says he might take me off of it and see how things go. That would be good, because it gives me a headache and makes my face flush. However I would rather have those things than contractions anyway. I have my cervix check tomorrow. I'm hoping for stable news. I also found out Dr.D who was my MFM during my last m/c has moved to this hospital and may be one of the doctors I see tomorrow. I really like her and it will be good to see a familiar face and one who is aware of our history. My history continues to haunt me. The chaplain and the social worker came to talk to me and of course they brought up my history of loss. I cannot go through that without just melting into tears, which made them put red flags up about depression and anxiety. Understandably I know that is a concern and I am practicing all my techniques to keep that at bay. Dr. T talked to me about antidepressants and I told him I really wanted to try to get to post partum before considering them. He told me to take it day by day and that I had already given up so much for this baby, my sanity did not need to be one of them.

So many people have called and come to visit. JJ came and I know that was hard for her to come back to this place where she spent some time. I really appreciated her coming though and sharing her experience of hospital bed rest and having Oliver with her as a great outcome. And she brought me a decaf vanilla latte from Starbucks that was heavenly. Thank you JJ.

I want to thank everyone for the prayers and positive energy being sent our way. It means so much and I believe it is helping keep Faith right where she needs to be.
26 weeks today! Goal is 28 weeks or more so we are making it one day at a time.

Hospital

Yesterday I was admitted to the hospital. My cervix has funneled to .7cm, baby is head down and I'm having contractions. They gave me my first round of steroids and I will get the second round in about an hour. After a very restless sleepless night they decided to put me on procardia to slow down the contractions. Dr. T. says he doesn't think I'm going to go into labor but we don't need the added stress from the contractions. The NICU doctor came to see me last night to talk about what will happen if we deliver this early. He had better survivability stats than I had read for 25 weeeks 4 days. Of course everything is a lot better if we make it to 28 weeks or more. DH is freaking out and I am having to be the strong one. Brave faces everyone.

28 days

This week has sucked. Monday was my weekly cervix check with the fFN test. My fFN results were negative which is good. That means I have a 1% chance of going into labor this week. My cervix has now funneled to 1.1cm .8cm with pressure. That is not good. Dr.T says if it gets down to .5cm or dilates at all we go to hospital bed rest. In some ways I think just put me in the hospital because they would monitor me and if anything happens I am already there. I live an hour away from the hospital and that is a little concerning. But I also know that the hospital is stressful and not very restful, and it's important for me to be calm and rested. That took measurements of the baby and she is right on target for 24 weeks in fact a little big. She weighs 1lb 9oz and Dr. Google told me that is the average weight for 26 weeks gestation. So good news there if she comes early. Right now our main goal is to make it to 28 weeks. Tomorrow is 25 weeks so just 21 more days.

I'm still a little confused on my contractions but it's different than just kicks. All my stomach muscles contract, sort of like they are balling up. It doesn't hurt but it's not comfortable either. I may be having more than I think it's hard for me to discern. On Tuesday when I go back for my check I'm going to ask them about hooking me up to one of those machines to check on them.

I will try to post more pictures soon.

3 weeks down

21 days in bed 86 more to go, but who's counting?

This week my cervix measured the same Yay! I've been having contractions Boo! But only like 5-6 contractions a day. Dr. T said he would be worried if I had 3-4 an hour. So there's that. Next week he will start doing the FFN test. This tests the secretions on the cervix and if it's positive it means I might go into labor in the next 2 weeks, if it's negative it means I'm highly unlikely to go into labor in the next two weeks. Let's pray for negative. I will be 24 weeks on Saturday which makes baby girl officially a viable player. Of course the odds are not great but better than they were two weeks ago. I asked Dr. T what he thought the odds were of her coming extra early and he said he didn't know it really was a crap shoot. Especially because this is my first baby to make it out of the first trimester.

I ordered a Nook and I cannot wait for it to get here. I read the first book in the Hunger Games Series love love love it. I finished in two days, now I'm desperate to read the next one.

Stanley the kitten is my bed rest companion, keeping me company throughout the day.

Two Weeks Bed Rest Completed

Yesterday's appointment had me rattled. My cervix measured 2mm shorter. Dr. T still says no to cerclage and next week will be too late. I'm wondering if I should have pushed harder to have it done. But he kept talking about the risks and I do trust him. Bed rest is hard. There is just no way around it. Sure the first couple days are nice, but then you just want to do something.

Baby still looks good, she is head down this week right near my cervix. There is plenty of fluid and everything looks great except my stupid cervix. I went to acupuncture right after my OB appointment, sobbed with my acupuncturist H and she did some treatment for anxiety this time with moxa. The moxa is needles on fire (literally) she burned some of my hair, but I did feel more relaxed when I got home.

We are supposed to take the childbirth class Oct.1, and asked DR. T if I am still pregnant then can I go. He was all let's see you would be 31 weeks, yeah if you're still pregnant I say you can go. Besides I'm sure they will refund your money if you've already had the baby.

That scares me. What if I have this baby before 31 weeks, before 36 weeks really. I've tried to learn a little about micro preemies and what to expect. Of course I don't need to scare myself, but I need to know what could happen. I joined sidelines.org and that is good support. I'm 22w4d today. We've got a long road in front of us.