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6 weeks

I had my six week check on Monday. I think Dr. T was shocked when I said I wanted no needed birth control. He assumed we would be like most infertiles and not worry about birth control. I need a break. I don't want to think or worry about my fertility for a while. I have spent six years temping, OPK testing, and worrying that I am pregnant and then dealing with miscarriage or stressing about a potential miscarriage. Emotionally and physically I don't want pregnancy to be in the picture. I want to enjoy Faith and take time to decide if we really want a second child or not.

So I'm on the mini pill. Dr. T says it will not affect my milk supply. I asked about IUD but he said it was expensive and if I wanted a second child sooner than 5 years that the pill would be a better choice. I'm ok with that. I don't have a problem taking a pill everyday.

I'm still dealing with anxiety and depression but I'm making a concerted effort to take care of myself everyday. I know sleep plays a role in all of this as well. I'm still navigating my relationship with my MIL and how she relates with my daughter. I disagree with her on many levels and I've had to assert myself with her and let her know Faith is my daughter not hers. She pushes every single button I have and I have to remind myself that this is her only grandchild and she is 75yrs old. Patience is the word of the day.

I go back to work in 6 weeks and I am worried how I will make all this work. I've talked with dh about him taking a more active role in care taking. He always hands her off if she is crying with the "she's hungry" excuse. Most often she is not. I need to be stronger at making him be the caretaker. I think I will need to just hand him the baby and leave the house for a few hours. I know he can do it, it's just easier for him to let me do it. This all comes back to me taking care of me. Months of bed rest and now being a new mother has left my sense of self behind. I need to get me back in order to be a better mother, wife, daughter, sister, daughter in law, friend and professional. All easier said than done.

Balance has always been a struggle, and a baby makes it that much harder.

one month

Oh my hell, a whole month has gone by and I haven't posted. We are doing well. I am struggling with some post partum depression and trying to get through w/o medication but I'm feeling like that it may be necessary. Faith has gained back her weight and then some. She and I figured out the nursing game but now we have thrush. It's so embarrassing to admit that my nipples and my baby have a yeast infection but there it is. She's asleep in the sling right now. We are working towards a schedule of sorts. Last night she slept 5 hours straight it was great, but my boobs were ready to explode. We've been nursing every 2-3 hours so 5 hours was a stretch but glorious for sleep. Faith is a restless sleeper, she grunts, moans, sighs and flails around most of the night. A tight swaddle holds her for a while but she always gets out. When she is quiet I worry she has stopped breathing so it's probably good she is rowdy sleeper. My sleepy baby window is closing so, this is a short post, but I promise to post again soon.