new year new ute

Pictures As Requested

2012-01-23T08:07:00.003-05:00

6 weeks

2012-01-18T08:38:00.002-05:00

I had my six week check on Monday. I think Dr. T was shocked when I said I wanted no needed birth control. He assumed we would be like most infertiles and not worry about birth control. I need a break. I don't want to think or worry about my fertility for a while. I have spent six years temping, OPK testing, and worrying that I am pregnant and then dealing with miscarriage or stressing about a potential miscarriage. Emotionally and physically I don't want pregnancy to be in the picture. I want to enjoy Faith and take time to decide if we really want a second child or not.

So I'm on the mini pill. Dr. T says it will not affect my milk supply. I asked about IUD but he said it was expensive and if I wanted a second child sooner than 5 years that the pill would be a better choice. I'm ok with that. I don't have a problem taking a pill everyday.

I'm still dealing with anxiety and depression but I'm making a concerted effort to take care of myself everyday. I know sleep plays a role in all of this as well. I'm still navigating my relationship with my MIL and how she relates with my daughter. I disagree with her on many levels and I've had to assert myself with her and let her know Faith is my daughter not hers. She pushes every single button I have and I have to remind myself that this is her only grandchild and she is 75yrs old. Patience is the word of the day.

I go back to work in 6 weeks and I am worried how I will make all this work. I've talked with dh about him taking a more active role in care taking. He always hands her off if she is crying with the "she's hungry" excuse. Most often she is not. I need to be stronger at making him be the caretaker. I think I will need to just hand him the baby and leave the house for a few hours. I know he can do it, it's just easier for him to let me do it. This all comes back to me taking care of me. Months of bed rest and now being a new mother has left my sense of self behind. I need to get me back in order to be a better mother, wife, daughter, sister, daughter in law, friend and professional. All easier said than done.

Balance has always been a struggle, and a baby makes it that much harder.

one month

2012-01-08T17:36:00.002-05:00

Oh my hell, a whole month has gone by and I haven't posted. We are doing well. I am struggling with some post partum depression and trying to get through w/o medication but I'm feeling like that it may be necessary. Faith has gained back her weight and then some. She and I figured out the nursing game but now we have thrush. It's so embarrassing to admit that my nipples and my baby have a yeast infection but there it is. She's asleep in the sling right now. We are working towards a schedule of sorts. Last night she slept 5 hours straight it was great, but my boobs were ready to explode. We've been nursing every 2-3 hours so 5 hours was a stretch but glorious for sleep. Faith is a restless sleeper, she grunts, moans, sighs and flails around most of the night. A tight swaddle holds her for a while but she always gets out. When she is quiet I worry she has stopped breathing so it's probably good she is rowdy sleeper. My sleepy baby window is closing so, this is a short post, but I promise to post again soon.

she's here

2011-12-11T10:59:00.003-05:00

Faith Elizabeth was born via c-section Monday Dec. 5 at 5:28 pm. 8lbs 2 oz 20.5inches. She is so amazing. I will write the birth story soon. I was induced Sunday night and started really laboring on Monday. Labored for 9 hours before they decided to do a c-section. We have had some troubles breast feeding and Faith lost a whole lb in the hospital so we had to stay an extra day. Recovery is tough. I think we are turning the corner on feeding. We are in love.

39

2011-11-29T14:26:00.002-05:00

Here we are at 39w3d. We go in for another u/s tomorrow. I am curious to see how big Faith will be. Dr. T says we will go ahead and schedule an induction for next week. Hopefully the threat of induction will make Faith decide it's time to come out. So far we have made little progress on the labor front. I am still waddling around with my swollen carpal tunnel hands and crocs are the only shoes that I can wear. You don't know how this breaks my shoe loving heart. But this too shall pass, because next week no matter what I will be a mom. Yikes! scared shitless.

TERM

2011-11-12T10:47:00.002-05:00

Despite all odds I have actually carried a full term baby. WOW. Thank you to everyone who has been praying and sending us positive energy. I truly believe that is why we are here. Our appointment this week was uneventful. Faith has no interest in being born anytime soon. Cervix is dilated a fingertip but Faith has not really dropped. Dr. T is amazed and says I'm just a boring regular pregnant lady now. It's been strange being back at work. I fatigue so easily and I'm definitely feeling this 35lbs I'm carrying around. Faith measured 6.5lb at 35w4d so she could be a 9lb + baby. So here we are 37 weeks gestation, just 3 more weeks until her due date. I'm still having trouble wrapping my head around actually having a real live baby here in MY house that WE made. Patiently waiting...

Last Week

2011-10-30T08:02:00.002-04:00

Yesterday began my last official week of bed rest. Thank the Lord! We are now 35weeks and 1 day pregnant. No one ever thought we'd make it this far. I've been promoted to moderate bed rest last week and so I have been doing light housekeeping and I go up and down stairs once a day. Next week I will go back to work. What? Yes next week I'm going back to work. I haven't driven a car in 15 weeks or stood up/ sat up for longer than 2 hours in 15 weeks and now I am going to work an 8 hour day and drive 30 minutes to and from work. I am crazy but that's how I roll. This week I am planning a massive grocery store trip after my doctor appointment Wed. and then trying to cook and freeze some meals for while I'm working and after Faith arrives. We have been living off food prepared by our church and meals my DH cooks. Bless his heart he has done a fabulous job, and I want to help out while I can. I have a feeling work will be hard on me and I won't want to cook when I get home.

We have our last u/s on Wed. A growth scan to see how ginormous Faith will be. I have read that these late u/s can be off as much as 2lbs either way. My hospital bag is packed. The car seat is in the car, we have diapers, wipes, blankets and clothes. I don't have breast pump or bottles yet, but I'm not worried about that. I'm still scared something will go horribly wrong but I'm trying hard to be prepared for things to go right.

October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remeberence Day

2011-10-15T08:57:00.006-04:00

I am the face of first trimester pregnancy loss. Six years ago on October 17th I suffered my first miscarriage at 10weeks. I was naive and innocent to believe all pregnancies ended in a take home baby. I was at an overnight work conference in the mountains when I started bleeding. I didn't know what to do. I was 3 hours away from my doctor. I went back into the conference and the look on my face told my colleague something was wrong. I had confided in her about our pregnancy but no one else. She quickly helped me gather our stuff and drove the 3 hours back to my town.

Along the way I called my OB and they really poo pooed my concerns, because I wasn't bleeding through a pad an hour. I begged them to see me and eventually they said if I could get there by 4:30 they would see me. I hauled ass across NC to get there. I really don't know how I held it together but somehow I did. When I got to the dr. she did a physical exam and then sent me over to the hospital for an u/s. I chose this OB b/c she had been my Gyno and had recently opened her own practice. No u/s machines and she was the only doctor. All red flags now, but I didn't know. At the hospital is where the anxiety really kicked in. They brought me up to the sonography waiting room before my husband could get there. I was really starting to freak out. Finally they did the ultrasound first they tried external which was stupid b/c I was only 10 weeks along, and then they brought out the transvaginal. I had no idea that this type of u/s would soon become a regular part of my life. The screen showed nothing. As ignorant as I was at that time, even I knew that was not good. Of course the technician wouldn't tell me anything but the look on her face said it all. They sent me home and said the doctor would call me later. Finally around 9pm that night she called to tell me I had had a miscarriage and not to worry because these things happen and I would have a baby soon. Two days later the real cramping and bleeding began and I passed the rest of the tissue.

Fast forward to present day and I have had six more miscarriages all between 8 and 10weeks and one ectopic pregnancies. I have been to four different OB/Gyn practices and five different RE practices. Three of my seven miscarriages were karyotyped and were found to be two girls and one boy. This is my ninth pregnancy and at 33weeks I am still scared, but more hopeful than ever that this baby girl Faith Elizabeth will come home with me. My seven angel babies are always with me in my heart. Tonight I will light a candle in memory of my children and yours.

32.5

2011-10-12T11:04:00.002-04:00

So here I am still pregnant and still on bed rest. I don't think Dr.T expected me to make it this far. So far we remain stable. I don't get u/s anymore at every visit. My next u/s will be at 36 weeks. Faith's heart rate is good and movement is crazy. So I don't mind no u/s and I certainly don't miss the dildo cam anyway. Six weeks will be the longest I've gone the whole pregnancy w/o an u/s though. Cervix is still closed and measuring 1.1cm. Dr.T says I'm a boring normal OB patient now. My fFN test was negative yesterday and that will be the last one we do. So Dr. T says I don't have to have a baby sitter all the time now. That's a relief, I would like a little of my independence back. At 34 we will be put on moderate bed rest and I will be allowed to move around the house more. I'm looking forward to being able to go upstairs and see the nursery in real life. At 36 we will stop all medication (procardia and prometrium) and I can go back to work full time. How weird will that be?

I went to a breast feeding class, and I feel a little more confident. Faith is head down and kicking the shit out of my ribs. The light at the end of the tunnel is finally visible. We are entering the safer window for delivery and less potential time in the NICU. Dr.T jokes about having to induce me at 41 weeks, ha ha not funny. Seriously I can't go that long.

I have pregnancy induced carpal tunnel syndrome. It's lots of fun. I have sexy wrist braces to wear at night. I'm wearing them now to get used to them. Last night I ripped them off in the middle of the night b/c I couldn't get comfortable, and then had numb fingers for the rest of the night. Only I could get carpal tunnel while on bed rest.

Picture

2011-10-02T10:01:00.002-04:00

31 weeks

Big Baby

2011-09-30T11:32:00.003-04:00

Growing up I was not much of a doll girl. I liked to play make believe with my stuffed animals and run around outside always. I did have one doll that I did love. I called her Big Baby. She was supposed to be the size of a newborn or a little bigger I believe. To a 2 year old that is a big baby. Big Baby had a cloth body and plastic arms and legs with a big plastic head and blinking eyes. I let Big Baby's hair go to blonde dreds, because like me, Big Baby did not care for people combing her knotty hair out. I spent most of my early years with short homemade haircuts because of my refusal to let anyone comb my hair. Naturally curly hair makes for lots of tangles and knots, and one stubborn little girl. Also I rarely dressed Big Baby so she was naked most of the time and dirty because I took outside with me. Big Baby is at my mom's house now, because she couldn't bare to get rid of her.

Yesterday I had my weekly doctor appointment. Cervix is still stable and another negative fFN test. We had a growth scan, which was a surprise to me since I thought we were just doing cervical length. Faith is measuring 4lbs! 90th percentile, one whole week ahead of schedule. My doctor said "Big Baby". We are just shy of 31 weeks. 4lbs sounds so big to me, but good if she comes early we should be all right. If we go to term God help my vagina.

All in all a good appointment, the crib came yesterday so my baby won't be sleeping in a drawer. I am more than ready to be done with bed rest. Ten weeks completed five more to go.

Patience

2011-09-21T14:46:00.002-04:00

Oh my hell people! I am going to go bat shit crazy on my MIL any minute now. How one person can annoy the everlovin' crap out of me I do not know. Right now she is tearing my living room apart while she "cleans". I do not claim to be the best housekeeper in the world, not to mention I have been on fucking bedrest for 9 weeks now. I do not need a running commentary on how dirty my house is. I appreciate the cleaning but I could do without the judging.

I need a boatload of patience ASAP.

In other bed rest news. The nursery is no where near ready. What we have is a spare bedroom with piles of baby stuff laying all over the place. It will get done when it get's done.

My cervix is holding stable at 1.1cm. Hooray! Dr. T is very pleased that we are making our way into the 30's. Faith is presenting vertex, or head down. She continues to look strong every week. I am shocked that it's finally the third trimester. Now we just have to make it past 32 weeks.

Here's something I need to say and I hate myself for feeling this way. Particularly because I have fought so hard to be and stay pregnant and I always wanted to punch people who bitch about being pregnant....but I do not enjoy being pregnant....

I know, I should be flogged. I won't list my complaints but I do not have a glow, and this has not been some of the best months of my life.

I am really looking forward to having Faith on the outside and getting my body back to myself, but I am more than willing to wait 6-8 more weeks. I feel like I am running a marathon and I'm at the 20mile mark. Holy shit I've run 20 miles and I feel like ass. Fuck there is 6.2 more miles to go. Hopefully the fuck yeah this is awesome feeling I had with 2 miles left to go will come to me in a few weeks. Then when it's over I will say I totally want to do another one. Until then I feel like I will be slogging out these last few miles.

HOME

2011-09-15T15:00:00.002-04:00

My cervix measured 1.1cm on Tuesday, and it's still closed. Faith measured 2lbs 13oz and looked super on the ultrasound. Yesterday we had another negative FFN test. So they discharged me from the hospital and I am back home on bed rest. We are working a schedule so that I am not home alone while DH is at work. That way we can get to the hospital as fast as possible and not have to wait for DH to get home first. This means my in laws are here. A true test of my patience that is for sure (Fox News all day, and incessant judging of our pantry and bathroom supplies. My house will never meet MIL standards) And so it goes.

I'm still having contractions but no more or more intense than they were in the hospital so I guess that means we're stable. I'm glad to be home, but miss the security of the hospital nurses and seeing my OB everyday. That's all I miss though.
29 weeks on Saturday.

GOAL!

2011-09-10T09:02:00.002-04:00

28 weeks today. 95% survivability. Whoo Hoo! I thought we'd never get here. Hello 3rd trimester. We had another stable scan this week, my cervix is still .7cm. Thursday the 15th we will do another cervical check and a growth scan of baby Faith. If my cervix stays the same the MFM and my OB will "discuss" the possibility of sending me home to bed rest. Mixed feelings on that. On one hand I want out of the hospital so bad, on the other I like knowing if anything goes wrong we are here already.

I failed the one hour glucose test Tuesday. I was so mad. However I did pass the 3 hour test. I feel for those who have to do that in the doctor's office. It takes forever but at least here I could take a shower, and play on the computer while I waited for the next blood draw.

I had another anxiety attack after my ultrasound. They left me in the room to wait for the MFM to come talk to me, and I had all these flashbacks of my last two miscarriages where the tech left me alone in the stirrups with my dead baby on the screen. I told the MFM I couldn't do that anymore and I would gladly wait out in the hallway for her, but just don't leave me in that room. The way it works here is that I know the day I will have an ultrasound but no idea what time. It's impossible for me to arrange it so I won't be alone. The MFM was nice about it, and said of course they would try not to leave me in the ultrasound room for very long any more. This time I managed the attack without medication.

Yesterday the social worker came again, and I didn't cry or even tear up. Go me. The health educator came too, and brought me some booklets and links on line so we can go through a virtual birth class. I'm still having contractions about 1/hour. Dr. T says that's normal and he's not worried.

I'm starting to feel like we might get a take home baby for real. I am in awe.

27 weeks

2011-09-03T09:37:00.002-04:00

It was been a long week here in the hospital bed. Monday I had my ultrasound and my cervix was the same length as the week before .7cm. We also had another negative fFN test. My contractions remain under control with the procardia. So good news all around and Dr. T says if I remain stable after 28 weeks I might be able to go back home to bed rest.

Emotionally Monday I was spent. I had a full blown anxiety attack and kicked a chaplain out of my room. I couldn't calm down, my heart was racing and it felt like a boulder on my chest. My nurse was a super star and took care of me, telling me that this was my house and no one goes through that door without my ok. To clarify the chaplain did nothing, her presence just set me off. I just do not have the mental fortitude right now to talk about anything other than what's happening right now. I cannot rehash my losses and explain my life to another stranger. They ended up giving me a xanax and after a couple hours I was good again. Dr. T. was understanding and good to me. He also gave me wheel chair privileges, so I can outside for 20 minutes a day. The rest of the week has been ok. My mom spent the day with me Wednesday, and DH has been coming in the afternoons and staying until I eat dinner. Dr. T went to the beach for the weekend so the other doctors in my OB practice stop by. I've not met any of them, but so they have been nice. Faith is now breech, which is good for my cervix bad for my bladder. Apparently she is training to be on the Olympic soccer team.

Tuesday I have my weekly cervix check and the dreaded glucose test. I really hope I pass that sucker, having to restrict my diet and be on bed rest would be beyond unfair.

Adjustments

2011-08-28T06:47:00.002-04:00

We are adjusting to our new hospital life. I'm getting the routine of the nurse shifts and learning who I like and who I could do without. Dr.T has come to see me everyday. That has really impressed me. Yesterday was his day off and he still came by. It was the first time we have seen him in street clothes instead of scrubs. They hook me up to the monitors three times a day to check on contractions, and the baby's heartbeat. Speaking of the baby we decided to give out her name, because so many people are asking and praying for her. Drum roll please...... Faith Elizabeth.. I've been calling her Faith for a while but now it is official. It's taken a huge amount of faith to get this far, so I think it's appropriate. So Faith looks awesome on the monitors, she is a mover and a shaker. Sometimes they have to hunt around to get her heartbeat and keep it on the monitor. When she is on the monitor and doing her thing it sounds like she is building something with saws and hammers because of all the static she creates. The nurses all say this means she is really healthy and strong. The procardia has really slowed the contractions. Dr. T says he might take me off of it and see how things go. That would be good, because it gives me a headache and makes my face flush. However I would rather have those things than contractions anyway. I have my cervix check tomorrow. I'm hoping for stable news. I also found out Dr.D who was my MFM during my last m/c has moved to this hospital and may be one of the doctors I see tomorrow. I really like her and it will be good to see a familiar face and one who is aware of our history. My history continues to haunt me. The chaplain and the social worker came to talk to me and of course they brought up my history of loss. I cannot go through that without just melting into tears, which made them put red flags up about depression and anxiety. Understandably I know that is a concern and I am practicing all my techniques to keep that at bay. Dr. T talked to me about antidepressants and I told him I really wanted to try to get to post partum before considering them. He told me to take it day by day and that I had already given up so much for this baby, my sanity did not need to be one of them.

So many people have called and come to visit. JJ came and I know that was hard for her to come back to this place where she spent some time. I really appreciated her coming though and sharing her experience of hospital bed rest and having Oliver with her as a great outcome. And she brought me a decaf vanilla latte from Starbucks that was heavenly. Thank you JJ.

I want to thank everyone for the prayers and positive energy being sent our way. It means so much and I believe it is helping keep Faith right where she needs to be.
26 weeks today! Goal is 28 weeks or more so we are making it one day at a time.

Hospital

2011-08-24T10:59:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I was admitted to the hospital. My cervix has funneled to .7cm, baby is head down and I'm having contractions. They gave me my first round of steroids and I will get the second round in about an hour. After a very restless sleepless night they decided to put me on procardia to slow down the contractions. Dr. T. says he doesn't think I'm going to go into labor but we don't need the added stress from the contractions. The NICU doctor came to see me last night to talk about what will happen if we deliver this early. He had better survivability stats than I had read for 25 weeeks 4 days. Of course everything is a lot better if we make it to 28 weeks or more. DH is freaking out and I am having to be the strong one. Brave faces everyone.

28 days

2011-08-19T12:42:00.003-04:00

This week has sucked. Monday was my weekly cervix check with the fFN test. My fFN results were negative which is good. That means I have a 1% chance of going into labor this week. My cervix has now funneled to 1.1cm .8cm with pressure. That is not good. Dr.T says if it gets down to .5cm or dilates at all we go to hospital bed rest. In some ways I think just put me in the hospital because they would monitor me and if anything happens I am already there. I live an hour away from the hospital and that is a little concerning. But I also know that the hospital is stressful and not very restful, and it's important for me to be calm and rested. That took measurements of the baby and she is right on target for 24 weeks in fact a little big. She weighs 1lb 9oz and Dr. Google told me that is the average weight for 26 weeks gestation. So good news there if she comes early. Right now our main goal is to make it to 28 weeks. Tomorrow is 25 weeks so just 21 more days.

I'm still a little confused on my contractions but it's different than just kicks. All my stomach muscles contract, sort of like they are balling up. It doesn't hurt but it's not comfortable either. I may be having more than I think it's hard for me to discern. On Tuesday when I go back for my check I'm going to ask them about hooking me up to one of those machines to check on them.

I will try to post more pictures soon.

3 weeks down

2011-08-11T13:28:00.003-04:00

21 days in bed 86 more to go, but who's counting?

This week my cervix measured the same Yay! I've been having contractions Boo! But only like 5-6 contractions a day. Dr. T said he would be worried if I had 3-4 an hour. So there's that. Next week he will start doing the FFN test. This tests the secretions on the cervix and if it's positive it means I might go into labor in the next 2 weeks, if it's negative it means I'm highly unlikely to go into labor in the next two weeks. Let's pray for negative. I will be 24 weeks on Saturday which makes baby girl officially a viable player. Of course the odds are not great but better than they were two weeks ago. I asked Dr. T what he thought the odds were of her coming extra early and he said he didn't know it really was a crap shoot. Especially because this is my first baby to make it out of the first trimester.

I ordered a Nook and I cannot wait for it to get here. I read the first book in the Hunger Games Series love love love it. I finished in two days, now I'm desperate to read the next one.

Stanley the kitten is my bed rest companion, keeping me company throughout the day.

Two Weeks Bed Rest Completed

2011-08-03T16:33:00.002-04:00

Yesterday's appointment had me rattled. My cervix measured 2mm shorter. Dr. T still says no to cerclage and next week will be too late. I'm wondering if I should have pushed harder to have it done. But he kept talking about the risks and I do trust him. Bed rest is hard. There is just no way around it. Sure the first couple days are nice, but then you just want to do something.

Baby still looks good, she is head down this week right near my cervix. There is plenty of fluid and everything looks great except my stupid cervix. I went to acupuncture right after my OB appointment, sobbed with my acupuncturist H and she did some treatment for anxiety this time with moxa. The moxa is needles on fire (literally) she burned some of my hair, but I did feel more relaxed when I got home.

We are supposed to take the childbirth class Oct.1, and asked DR. T if I am still pregnant then can I go. He was all let's see you would be 31 weeks, yeah if you're still pregnant I say you can go. Besides I'm sure they will refund your money if you've already had the baby.

That scares me. What if I have this baby before 31 weeks, before 36 weeks really. I've tried to learn a little about micro preemies and what to expect. Of course I don't need to scare myself, but I need to know what could happen. I joined sidelines.org and that is good support. I'm 22w4d today. We've got a long road in front of us.

Kitten News

2011-07-30T09:15:00.002-04:00

One of the kittens showed up this morning at 5:30. I woke up to loud scratching and a tiny kitten climbing the screen of our bedroom window. I knew it was a kitten because my older cat is too fat to climb the screen. We ran to the door and there was Stanley the male kitten. He seems so worse for wear. A tiny scab on his chin, and a need to meow nonstop, hungry, but otherwise happy and healthy. He's asleep next to me on the bed right now. Maybe he was a up a tree all this time. Anyway it is a happy reunion. DH will look for Daisy the female just in case she is in a tree somewhere too. I will try to post a picture later.
Much happier day!

pity party minute

2011-07-28T08:06:00.002-04:00

Last night was just awful. The kittens are missing and most likely dead. I last saw them playing around our deck about 3 in the afternoon. No trace of them now. We choose to live in a secluded area that includes many predators, but the coyote problem has gotten out of control. They are not supposed to come close to the house. We've only had the kittens three weeks and now they are gone. They had brought such joy to us, especially because everything seemed so uncertain. I just feel like everytime we have just a little bit of happiness it gets snatched away. I know I have many blessings in my life and I am grateful. But damn. I feel so helpless I can't go look for the kittens I can't help around the house. I have to depend on DH for everything and he is not the best caretaker. I keep telling myself things could be worse. Be thankful. Crying is not going to make it better but it seems like all I can do.

15 weeks to go?

2011-07-27T11:46:00.002-04:00

So today completes my first week of bed rest. We are 21w4days pg. Yesterday I had an appointment with Dr. T. My cervix is stable at 1.7cm, closed and firm but still funneling. Baby is great, extremely active. The sonographer said Whoo you are going to have fun when she gets bigger. She already kicks through the day and night. But that's OK, because then I know she is alive. So Dr. T says no to cerclage. He feels the risk outweighs the benefits at this time. He says the next 6-8 weeks are critical for baby. First goal is to make it 28 weeks, but hopefully we make it to 36 weeks. He said if I make it to 36 weeks he doesn't care what I do I can go back to work, we will have a party. Dr. T gave me permission to work from home 4 hours a day on computer and phone as long as I am laying down. I still waiting for my work to give me the OK on that one. Hopefully they will or I will go stir crazy and exhaust all of my leave.

I'm trying to keep a sort of schedule. Get up at 6:45 with DH, eat breakfast and play with the kitties a little. Then back in bed. Work stuff until noon and then lunch. In the afternoon, reading, trolling the Internet and a little television. Once DH comes home I shower and then eat dinner, play with kitties and watch TV or movies with DH. Go to bed at 10. Rinse Lather Repeat.

At 24 weeks we may start doing steroid shots to help baby lungs along. It's a little nerve wracking, but I'm doing everything I can. Each day that passes means a stronger possibility of viability.

Bed Rest

2011-07-22T07:58:00.002-04:00

I have been put on bed rest until further notice by Dr. T. My cervix went down to 1.7cm. Baby girl flipped around and now her head is at my cervix. So I am only allowed to get up to go to the bathroom, eat and take a shower. This is a critical time because we are not at viability yet. 21 weeks. Dr. T said it is too risky to do a cerclage after 23 weeks. My cervix is still closed, but significantly shorter than last week. FUCK. I am trying hard to keep a brave face and be positive. DH on the other hand if falling apart. He is distraught and very angry. He keeps talking about why is God punishing him. I don't know what to do. I told him we will just have to ask for help, and people will help us. Neither of us like doing that, but in this situation this is what we must do. I know this little girl is destined for greatness she is so special she has to be shared with the world. I just have to do what I can to get my stupid body to get her here.

owning it

2011-07-06T15:59:00.004-04:00

Lately, I have been asking myself why I don't feel like I "own" this pregnancy. What I mean is that I feel like it's happening to someone else and I am just watching. I want to be reveling in it and feeling the joy. Instead its just weird and I don't know how I feel except awkward and scared. I have a hard time putting into words how I feel, except that I feel somehow detached.

My cervix is still stable and we had our big scan last week. We are having a girl, which is pretty exciting. The placenta is lying low so it will be included in my weekly checks. Now I can add incompetent cervix and placenta previa to my list of worries. I joined the YMCA so I can swim now. I have to go early in the morning before work which is tough but manageable and I feel so much better afterwards. I've been feeling her little kicks at times. She is a pretty active little fetus, whenever they do the ultrasound she is flipping and turning.

Recently I realized that I really don't know jack shit about babies and that scares me to death. I know a whole lot about miscarriage and early pregnancy but beyond that I am clueless. I've tried to look at baby stuff and figure out what we need but it all seems so overwhelming. I am hoping that one day I will just suddenly feel like shopping for that stuff. Hopefully I'll have the essentials before she is here.

Otherwise physically I'm doing well, gaining weight at the appropriate rate, blood pressure is stellar, and no other problems aside from a little heartburn. Well there is one thing... I have a cleavage issue. I've never had boobs before and I'm not sure how to deal with these things, but often I look down see I am giving quite a show.

So far we are signed up for child birth class in October and breast feeding in Nov. and we are on a waiting list for daycare to start in late February. She is not due until Dec. 3rd. It seems so soon and optimistic to me, but this is how the fertiles do it, so I need to try and blend a little better. Fake it till you make it right?

17 weeks

2011-06-27T16:51:00.003-04:00

My cervix is stable. The bad news is weekly monitoring. The good news is weekly monitoring means weekly ultrasounds. So at least I get to see the baby all the time. I've been having what I call low grade cramps, or heaviness feeling down low in my pelvis. But when they checked my cervix today it was still closed and 2.5 cm long. Dr. T says he doesn't want to do a cerclage unless it gets less than 1.5cm. So we just keep watching and checking. Next week is the big anatomy scan but DH is out of town on a fire and we are not sure if he will be back yet, so I may ask them to reschedule the big scan for the following week and just do my cervix/heartbeat check next week. I really want DH to be there for the anatomy scan and so does he. Dr. T still has me on pelvic rest and light duty, he said if I remain stable he will add a little more activity each week. Which is good. I hate not exercising. For me exercise is a stress reliever. The baby's heart rate was a little slower this week, but the sonographer assured me that was normal because today she was just chillin' in there not doing the regular flips and kicks.

So that's it really. I'm trying to take it easy and rest as much as I can. I feel lazy but it's for a good cause. I can't believe we've made it this far. I thank God everyday and pray that we can bring this baby home in 5 months.

There has been sad news for my RPL sisters in the blogosphere the last few weeks it breaks my heart. I feel their pain as if it were my own.

Cervical Competency

2011-06-18T12:23:00.002-04:00

So my cervix did not pass the competency test but it didn't fail either. Currently my cervix is measuring 2.5 cm. Anything greater than 2.5 is good and normal, anything less than 1.5 is bad. So I am in the gray zone. Dr. T wants to monitor weekly and I am on pelvic rest and light duty for the time being. It's a little frightening. Maybe more than a little. At least I get weekly ultrasounds for a little while. I had always hoped that stepping into the 2nd trimester would bring relief from the anxiety and fear, but not so much. The good news is that I am being closely monitored and if a cerclage is needed they have more to work with and it won't be an emergency situation. I'm 16 weeks today. Dr. T said if a cerclage is needed he wants to do it by 19 weeks. Everything else looks good, blood pressure is 114/70 and baby heartbeat is 154bpm. Development looks normal for this stage. I've gained 5 pounds total. I feel fine, more tired than anything but otherwise good. I told a few more of my work colleagues at our Professional Assoc. State meeting. So that was nice.

I'm trying to keep the positive things flowing and not let this cervix thing overwhelm me. It's not so easy. Just keep praying.

Update

2011-06-09T13:05:00.001-04:00

Toxo results are in and my titer was stable. This means I have been exposed to Toxoplasmosis before and carry the antibodies but I am not currently infected. Whew! So I can check that worry off my list and go on to worry more about my cervix.

nothing of note

2011-06-08T15:21:00.002-04:00

So everyone keeps asking me "How are you feeling?". My response is always fine... Am I supposed to feel something else? It puzzles me that people want to know the daily ins and outs of this pregnancy. My friend M said it's just that women want to commiserate with you and share their experience. I find it totally overwhelming, but I'm trying to adapt. So I feel fine. In the last week I have suddenly popped. I don't see a bump but my pooch is bigger and rounder. My pants don't fit. I broke down and ordered some maternity pants and a top yesterday. Most of my fat clothes fit so it's not terrible. I worked so hard to lose those 25lbs of infertility and it looks like it will come back, but this time it's more than worth it. I haven't had any major pains or bleeding. I did have some sharp stabby pains in my left side that seemed ovary related to me, but after consulting with the nurse and Dr. Google it seems they were round ligament pains. I did rent a doppler and I heart my doppler. Every night before I go to bed I listen first to my heartbeat and then the baby's. It is so reassuring.

I had my blood work done on Monday for the Toxoplasmosis retest. The results should be back tomorrow. Fingers crossed it comes back negative. I have my next scan a week from Friday for cervix check.

DH and I have been on self imposed pelvic rest since my BFP and it's getting old. I had a very vivid dream the other night. Can women have wet dreams? I think I had one. So I'd like to get frisky again. I know it's safe but RPL warps your brain.

Slowly I am telling people about the baby. It's hard for me to do, but I'm getting better at it. Our due date is Dec. 3rd.

Also I am lovin' some P.M.Dawn right now. Patient Eyes, wow takes me back to high school and making mix tapes with my best girls.

Opossum

2011-05-23T15:22:00.003-04:00

DH says the baby looks like an opossum***. So that's our nickname. Opossum did great for the NT scan in that he/she flipped around and wiggled so much it took 4 trys for the tech to finally get Opossum in the right position to measure stuff. I was told to arrive with a full bladder and I thought it might burst before they could scan. When Opossum didn't cooperate she let me pee to my great relief. This was my first belly ultrasound. So unusual not to have to undress from the waist down. Everything came out OK, it looks like I have a 1/4500 chance of downs and a 1/7500 of spina bifida so that's a huge relief.

I did come up positive on part of the Toxoplasmosis test. Dr. T. said that meant I have been exposed to it at some time in my life, but not necessarily am I currently infected. So they are retesting in two weeks. That is a little stressful, but we haven't had a litter box in the house in over a year and that was when Oscar was strictly an inside kitten. I've had cats my whole life so I shouldn't be surprised that I have been exposed. But nonetheless its a little disconcerting. The other thing that happened during my pelvic exam is that Dr. T. said my cervix felt a little short, so I am to come back at 16 weeks for another ultrasound so they can measure my cervix. Last week in Chicago Dr.C. said my cervix looked great. So who knows. I am grateful Dr. T is concerned and keeping a close watch on my cervix, because next to miscarrying, my cervix is my biggest concern. I have had 4 d&c's and a septum resection so that is a lot of cervical manipulation. If I need a cerclage I want them to determine that sooner than later.

Dr. C has released me from her care, I will do monthly blood work to make sure my NK cells are playing nice but they feel I am through the woods now.

So I might really be pregnant and there is definitely something growing in there. It is amazing to me that there will be enough room for a baby to fully grow in there. It's also amazing to watch Opossum flip and turn and wiggle around. I did rent a doppler and I have been able to find the heartbeat each time. That has made me a lot less anxious.

**I think only baby opossums are cute, grown up ones kind of freak me out**

doppler

2011-05-11T15:37:00.000-04:00

We were able to hear the heartbeat with a Doppler yesterday. My first non vaginal scan. The nurse, my mom and me were all in tears and my sweet sweet nurse Tracy said the most beautiful words "Happy Mothers Day".

My OB Dr. T came in next to see me and tell me it was time to plug into the regular pregnancy program. I asked him about how he saw my level of risk and he said once we are fully out of the first trimester he felt my risk level goes down, but I'm still high risk b/c of my age and potentially b/c of my cervix. I asked about a cerclage and what he thought. He said we have no reason to think your cervix will fail. I said yeah but I have never carried this far either. He said True, we will monitor and if it seems necessary 18 weeks is when they would do a cerclage. I asked about 16 weeks and he said lets just monitor. In the end he said "You still haven't bought into this, have you?.. that's ok some moms can't until they have that baby in their arms." I really don't know when I might feel more confident.

He also told me not to run out and buy a Doppler, that I could come in and hear the heartbeat anytime I started to feel nervous.

I don't think they want me there everyday so I am considering maybe renting one. Any suggestions?

Next week I fly to Chicago for my last infusion (hopefully). Dr. C says my blood work looks great, but she doesn't want to take any risks with me. I agree. Then on the 23rd I will have my first OB appt. and the early Down's screening ultrasound all in the same day.

In celebration yesterday I broke down and bought a bigger bra.

maybe a little hope

2011-05-05T10:17:00.003-04:00

I had an ultrasound on Monday and I measured 9weeks 2days, heartrate of 174bpm. They showed us the umbilical cord, and tiny hands and feet. It even wiggled around a little. This is more than I have ever seen before and the longest I have ever carried. My OB said it was time for me to get with the regular pregnancy program. I asked for one more scan next week and then I would do what he wants.

Afterwards the thought that maybe we were seeing someone else's baby on the screen crossed my mind. Even though that is stupid because there was a freaking wand in my vayjayjay the whole time, I still thought about it.

I have boob muffin tops coming out of my A cup. I'm afraid to buy a B cup b/c that could jinx things.

So they said they should be able to hear the heart with the doppler next week, but Dr. T promised that if they couldn't get it with the doppler they would give me an ultrasound. So next Tuesday is another hurdle, and hopefully I get through Mother's Day weekend in one piece.

update

2011-04-28T20:17:00.001-04:00

I still have a fetus with a beating heart in my uterus....158bpm, 8wks 1day. They gave me another intralipid infusion and this time I didn't faint. Next scan is Monday morning with my OB. one day at a time.

can't take it

2011-04-26T09:35:00.002-04:00

I can't take much more of this. I feel like I am held together with dried out duct tape and string and the slightest misstep will cause me to crumble.

Tomorrow I fly to Chicago. Dr. C will do an ultrasound with her super fancy machines and if we still have a fetus with a heartbeat I will have another round of intralipid therapy. My blood results were all good and normal, but because of my wretched history Dr. C did not want to take any chances and recommended another infusion.

I am scared, anxious, tearful, jumping from hopeful to doom and gloom every two minutes.

hematologist

2011-04-21T08:31:00.002-04:00

I had my appointment with the hematologist yesterday. First let me say that Dr. G is a very very very nice man and treated me with respect. If I ever have reason to see a hematologist I definitely want to go to him.

Here's the break down: It took a couple days after my OB referral for the hematologist office to call me with an appt. This put me on alert, and I called my OB several times to find out if I was supposed to be calling the hematologist. I'm sure they put another sad face next to my name on my chart for being such a pest. Finally they call with an appointment for this week (one week after my scan). I felt that if I needed to be on Lovneox we shouldn't be dicking around with appointments and get this going because we are entering the two period where all my miscarriages take place. Truthfully I am a woman on the edge.

Then on Monday they called to say they pushed my appointment back to next week. I went crazy. I was sobbing to the referral person about how they didn't understand the situation and WHY would they do this to me (not professional of me I know.)Later that day she called back and said they would keep my appointment for this week (April 20).

So yesterday I drive to the hospital and promptly lock my keys in the car. I go to the new patient check in and wait for the lady to decide to help me. My appointment was at 1:30 and I was there at 1:20. She checks me in and sends me up to the lab with a pager like you get at Outback. She told me the pager would go off when they were ready for me. So I wait and I watch every person who came in at the same time and after me get called into the lab. Finally I asked the lady at the desk if I was supposed to check in with her, b/c the lady downstairs said to just wait until the pager went off. Well it turns out lady downstairs never put me in the system so they didn't know I was there. Finally I get in the lab it's now 2:20pm. The lab lady says I was about to put you down as a no show, your appointment was at 1:30. I said I have been here since 1:20, but apparently no one put me in the queue. After 8 vials of blood are drawn I am ushered back downstairs and my pager finally goes off. The nurse comes to get me and tells me the doctor has been waiting for me. I apologize and tell her what happened. Finally I am with the doctor and he tells me he spoke with my OB but didn't get my records. Luckily I brought them all with me and then had to share my history. I cannot seem to get that out with starting to cry. In the end he tells me that several recent studies from Europe have shown that lovenox and baby aspirin have no benefit in recurrent miscarriage, especially in women w/o clotting disorders. He was obviously up to date on his area of study and he was compassionate about my situation. I was a wreck. I didn't WANT to take lovenox but it was something I could have control over and if there was even the slightest possibility it could help I wanted to do it. I took lovenox during my 7th pregnancy and still miscarried at 9 weeks so it's not like I had a success story. So no lovenox and I'm still taking baby aspirin despite what Doctor G. said. They will call me next week with my blood results, but he doesn't expect them to be different than other times I have been tested for clotting factors and anti phospholipid antibodies. As I was leaving he said "Maybe this will be the one to stick". This made me want to scream, I had to get out of there before I totally fell apart.

Then I had to call a locksmith and pay $40 to get in my car. I had one of those magnet things but it fell off and I haven't replaced it. In short I AM A MESS.

Today I have a phone consult with Dr. C in Chicago, to see if I need to do more intralipids. My next scan is Wednesday.

Hurdles

2011-04-12T17:06:00.003-04:00

Today I crossed hurdle #1, there was a hearbeat at 110bpm and measuring at 6w1d (right where I should be). OB and I discussed lovenox. He says it's probably overkill but given my history why not. I have a phone consult with Dr. C in Chicago next week and that will be discussed as well as what my blood results are and when is the next infusion. My next scan is in two weeks. I tried to get one next week, but my OB wouldn't budge. I don't get any stress relief from the scans, b/c I know it can all still go horribly wrong. I am trying so hard to keep my shit together, but I am teetering on the edge. So grateful that my baby is alive and trying to focus on that, but the dark clouds have a way of seeping in.

Waiting

2011-04-05T09:42:00.003-04:00

Honestly I am trying hard to keep the train wreck in me from getting out. The infusion was easy and fast. I did faint as she put the IV in. I felt it coming, I think the anxiety got the best of me. However the nurse handled it like a champ and did not freak out keeping me calm and my mom calm as well. I finished the whole IV in less than 15 minutes and they kept me for monitoring for another 1/2 hour. So the whole thing was about 45 minutes. Itralipid infusion $650, blood tests $410, plane ticket $160, Hotel $164, parking $30, trains $20, **CARRYING THIS PREGNANCY TO TERM***PRICELESS
I have my first ultrasound on Tuesday April 12. So then we will know if this viable. I don't have any morning sickness. I wish so bad I did, but it is early. My only symptoms are sore BB's and constipation. I'm still taking my herbs, and going to acupuncture. I hate this part. One day at a time right?

Jumping in

2011-03-30T19:34:00.002-04:00

I decided to go forward with Intralipids. I fly to Chi-town Saturday morning and have my infusion Monday morning. The flight was considerably cheaper by flying on Sat. so my mom is going with me. I'm glad to have company. I feel good about my decision. If this pg ends badly at least I will know that I tried everything I could to protect it. I feel like I can be at peace with that

Beta #2

2011-03-30T14:39:00.002-04:00

365
This is a good number... my progesterone level on Monday was 27.5 another good omen. Now I am frantically trying to decide whether to proceed with intralipid therapy.
Any thoughts?

buckle up

2011-03-28T14:40:00.001-04:00

Beta #1 at 14dpo 100

please send prayers

Fast and Furious

2011-02-28T17:12:00.002-05:00

This time of year I feel like a dog chasing it's tail. No matter how fast I go I will not catch it. Work is in full tilt as we gear up for the spring growing season. I love my work and sometimes lose my personal life/work balance. It's something I do need to work at.

So a month or so ago the minister of the little church we have been attending came to our house to talk about joining the church officially. I was raised Catholic and DH was raised Quaker so we come from opposite ends of the spectrum. We like this little Methodist church but we are clueless to their rules/traditions etc. So the minister or "Preacher" C. as he likes to be called ( I just can't call him that. I feel like I am on Little House on the Prairie or something.) came to our house. He came at 7 at night and I was unsure of etiquette, I mean was I supposed to feed him dinner or something? My mom assured me that coffee and cookies were appropriate. My priest growing up had a built in keg in his refrigerator so what do I know? OK so we are sitting around our kitchen table discussing our backgrounds and talking about the church. Let me preface this by telling you all our furniture is very very old... like early 1920's old. I keep hearing the chair the minister is sitting in pop and creak with every movement. Now "Preacher C" is a big man, but not huge. Well the next thing you know, the whole seat collapsed and he fell on the floor. I was mortified. He was embarrassed. The chair is demolished. DH and I jumped up and helped him to his feet. He apologized and offered to buy us a new chair, but all I could think of was "He will NEVER forget coming to visit us" that's for damn sure. We all laughed about it, and DH and I have decided to join the church but first we have to get baptized. I was baptized as a baby, but DH was not b/c Quakers don't roll like that. So I think it is a spiritual thing for us to do it together. I hope that it help us grow closer together and closer to God.

So Many Tales to Tell

2011-02-09T09:45:00.004-05:00

I have had a million blog posts on my mind, and can't seem to make the time to put them on the page. Things have been super busy at work and I have been kicking ass and taking names.

I suck at gluten free, but I am still slowly working on it.

DH and I went to counseling, the therapist was a bit of a douche and I'm not sure I want to go back but we have an appt. next week and I still haven't canceled.

Running is going good. I had to buy new shoes b/c my knees were starting to hurt and that is a sign my shoes are blown out.

We had a conversation about "the drinking" but I think we need to go further with it.

We met with the minister at the little church we have been attending for the last few months and talked about how to officially join. The ministers visit to our home is a hilarious post all on its own. I will write about it soon.

We visited my brother and met my new niece. I'm hoping to go back to see them at the end of the month for oldest 2nd B-day.

I thought I was pg last month for about 3 days. My acupuncturist H thought so too. She said my pulse wasn't slippery but something was going on. I was never late and had 3 BFN tests, but she thinks something might have started but didn't finish. So H thinks we should start casually TTC. I have mixed feelings about it. I do think DH and I have come miles from where we were a few months ago, but I still feel we have miles to go. I feel very strong emotionally and physically but the thought of being pg still scares me badly. I want to be secure, knowing if I did get pg and it went wrong that I wouldn't fall back in that fucking hole I have worked so hard to get out of. I'm not that secure yet.

So I think we should just wait at least for a little bit.

2011 better me please?

2010-12-29T11:54:00.003-05:00

Oh Internet, it has been a rough holiday. Gluten free is NOT going well. In fact it's not really going at all. I did not get to see my family and my new niece over Christmas b/c of snow. I cried all day Christmas because we should have children to celebrate with but we don't because they died. So I've been wallowing in my woe and really I need to get over it. My BFF had her baby and I found out on face.book. More woe. Cutting back on caffeine is giving me headaches. WHAH WHAH WHAH woe is me.

OK so in effort to shake my doldrums I wrote out my goals and challenges for 2011. I even categorized them.

**Marriage**
Improve communication w/DH
Express my feelings better
Demand respect within our marriage
Talk about the drinking
Find the Fun again

**Relationships**
Repair friendship w/BFF
Visit friends more often
Have people/friends over to our house
Visit Brother
Be a part of nieces lives

**Emotional**
work on expressing and feeling my emotions
tell people when they hurt my feelings
relaxation techniques

**Physical**
go gluten-free for at least 3 mos
run 1000 miles total in 2011
wear a bikini and feel good about it

**Other**
keep a grace journal, and write everyday
officially join the church and get active
find and go to an adoption workshop
grow a bigger garden
work on getting farm plan going

award

2010-12-10T16:21:00.006-05:00

Oh man JJ nominated me for an award like forever ago and I am just now getting to it. Thank you JJ, sorry I am a slacker.
So here's rules for the award:
~Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award.
~Share 7 things about yourself.
~Pass the award along to 7 other bloggers who you recently discovered and think are fabulous.

1. I finally stopped biting my nails about 2 years ago, but sometimes under duress I relapse.

2. I took piano lessons for 8 years and I hate playing the piano.

3. I take my seatbelt off when I get about a 1/2 mile from my house.

4. I'm pretty klutzy, I always have bruises on my legs or arms, from running into things.

5. I can't sew for shit. Seriously I almost failed Home Ec in the 7th grade. My guitar pillow looks like some kind of abomination. My mom kept it because it made her laugh so hard (my mom used to make all my clothes so obviously I did not get that skill). Sewing a button is so hard for me and always looks like shit. Forget about mending.

6. I'm a sucker for teeny bopper tv shows like g.oss.ip girl, vam.pi.re di.aries, 90210.

7. Instead of a Christmas tree this year I put lights and few decorations on my rubber tree plant.

end of the year race

2010-12-03T07:45:00.004-05:00

So I really sucked at blogging each day of the month. I enjoyed what I did do, and I'm going to try to blog more...(no really I am). I went back to the midwest over Thanksgiving for a fabulous wedding. I was slightly apprehensive before leaving because the town I grew up in brings out strong feelings in me. I either have a great time, or cry my way through it. My family doesn't live there anymore so I've only been back over the last seven years a handful of times. All of my dear friends from HS were there and I was nervous about being around some of them b/c they are fertile and there would lots of kids. Several kids I'd never met before. Ultimately it was great we fell right back to our giggling selves and for a little while I did not think about it. I forget how good it feels to be surrounded by these strong beautiful women who mean so much to me. Friends like that are hard to come by.

During the wedding one of the promises was "to take care of other people's children". I really like that and it touched my heart. My DH has put adoption back on the table. This is a small miracle because before he felt he just couldn't do it. So we are exploring that option a little more while still looking at TTC in a couple months.

I had a consultation with a nutritionist yesterday. She recommended a wheat/gluten free diet. Also no coffee (the horror). Her reasoning made sense to me, if my m/c are caused by my immune system than it makes sense to remove any possible allergens from my diet. She said one in three people have wheat allergies, but they may not know it. But geez o pete gluten is in everything. And I heart bread. This will not be easy. But all things in moderation and I will make an effort.

Since I got back on Sunday it has been nonstop running around. The month of December is always hard because I have end of the year reports that must be completed by the 17th b/c the University shuts down for the last two weeks of the year. Our office keeps on running but we have to turn everything in. Meanwhile this is also the time of year when my clients have time on their hands so I am teaching many workshops. Not to mention x-mas shopping and decorating and the endless parties. I'm going to a conference today and I was so excited to learn I didn't need to be there until 1pm. So I can do some laundry, run and blog. I want to stop and savor the season, and make time for me. As always I struggle for balance. Ok laundry is ready to be hung out to dry.

back to our regular programming

2010-11-15T10:59:00.004-05:00

I am breaking from the NaBloPoMo to get this off my chest.

On Thursday DH, the dog and me drove down to my parents home for a veterans day celebration. We bought my dad a brick on a new veterans memorial in the their town and the dedication was that day. The ceremony was beautiful and the brick was lovely. Very well done. In addition we brought my dog to stay with my parents during rifle season for deer. My dog runs loose and we have lots of hunters for the 6 week season each year. It's safer for my dog plus my parents adore my dog and treat him like a king when he stays with them. We had a lovely visit. But there was this...

Let me preface by saying my parents live in a little town, and are involved in various things so they know lots of people. At the dedication we kept running into people my mom knew from her work or wherever and she would introduce us. One lady said Oh are you the one with the little baby? I said no that is my SIL. And my mom chirps up she's the one with the dog. Now I know my mom meant well, but it was as if she said no she's the one that's infertile.

I feel like I am a "less than" person because I do not have children. Later we were talking about a co-worker of my mother's whose husband has cancer. She was telling us how they used to travel and ski in Europe all the time before the cancer. My husband asked "Wow what did he do?, he must have made lots of money." My mom said well they never had kids so you know.
Because if you don't have children you can jet set around the world. I was angry and hurt. Why do people refer to people w/o kids that way? We don't know that they didn't want children but couldn't have them.

But then I realized I think this about myself. I think of myself as a "less than" person because we can't/don't have children.

Until I stop thinking of myself this way how can I influence others to stop. So maybe the bigger question is WHY do I feel this way? What do I need to do to reprogram my brain to start valuing myself regardless of my status as a mother?

Song

2010-11-09T10:40:00.003-05:00

What was your favorite song this year? Five years ago? Ten years ago? Twenty?

Oh man this is a tough one. Right now I have been listening to the song "This too Shall Pass" by Ok Go. But I also love me some P!nk. One other song I love is Wagon Wheel by OCMS. (these songs aren't new this year but new to me). Last year the song I could not get enough of was Dave Matthews "Grey Street", it still makes me cry.

Five years ago I was listening to a lot of KT Tunstall. I really liked the song Finally I See. I had suffered my first miscarriage and was trying to figure it all out. (still am)

Ten years ago I was listening to a lot of Beth Orton, and Donna the Buffalo "There is No Place Like the Right Time" (We danced to this song at our wedding). Just finishing up grad school, and moving to NC.

Ok so 20 years ago it was 1990 and I was 15 years old. This was my phase with The Cure, I still love "Just Like Heaven". Holed up in my room sullen 15 year old girl. I also love the Indigo Girls "Closer to Fine".

Oh so many memories wrapped up in music.

Dream House

2010-11-08T13:59:00.005-05:00

What would your dream home/apartment/condo/yurt look like? Where would it be? Who'd live in it with you?

I have to say that I am very lucky. I live in my dream house. We bought 106 acre pine plantation a few months after we were married in 2003. We were in the process of selling my husband's house when we stumbled on the ad advertising our land for sale. We had previously looked a several tracts with less acreage and a lot more cost. We saw the ad on Sunday and on Monday DH went to check it out. I was battling a monster cold and had stayed home from work. DH came home ecstatic about this land and I said great let's make an offer. He said no, we can't do that until you see it. So the next morning at 6am I stumbled out of the truck to look at the land. I looked around and said it looks great let's do it. Two hours later I called the real estate agency and offered the asking price. We locked in and we were lucky too because the real estate agent said after we called he had 13 more offers for more than the asking price. Our land is beautiful, in the foothills of the Uwharrie Mountains in the Piedmont of NC. I love that we live in middle of nowhere. We lived in a rental house for four years before we started building our house. I studied house plans forever before deciding on our house plan. We have two story brick home with cute front porch, back deck, carport and a full basement. Our floor plan is open that way when one person is cooking they are still a part of the action in the living room. Our master bedroom has a great master bath on the first floor. We plan to live here until we die or we are unable to care for ourselves. Our upstairs guest bedroom has a fabulous view. I love my house. It makes me so happy when I pull up the driveway and see it especially when my cats and dog run out to greet me.

My nearest neighbor is a half mile away. In the summer when I come home from running I often strip down naked outside and hang my clothes on the line. On Saturday DH shot a deer from the dormer window upstairs (how redneck can we be?). We live on a gravel road with 6 houses on the 2 mile stretch. We have wild turkeys, deer, coyotes, quail, and rattlesnakes.

In addition to my husband I wish to share our home with a child. Our child. I wish that one of our angel babies had lived to enjoy our house and land like we do. I pray that one day we will be able to share our dream.

People

2010-11-05T09:02:00.004-04:00

What makes you notice someone?

This is a hard question because there are so many things that make me notice someone. I will start with shoes. If you are a woman I will look at your shoes, and if you have really cool shoes I am definitely more interested in you. I love shoes. It's actually sort of a problem for me. I also notice toe nails if you are wearing open toed shoes particularly if your nails are painted. One of my girlfriends has 4-yr old twins and they always look at my toes when I come to visit. It's a lot a pressure to have a good pedicure.

I notice a person's clothes. Are they cute, stylish do I want to wear what they have? I sound incredibly superficial here. Yikes.

I also look at people's eyes and eyebrows. My husband's eyebrows and freckles were the first thing I noticed about him. He has wonky eyebrows that need waxing. He only lets me pluck them once in a while. I also notice people's expressions. Do they look happy, sad, peaceful etc. ? When I see couples around my age w/o children I notice them. I wonder are you like me? I am sensitive to how they react around kids and conversations about kids. Being infertile has made me very hyper aware of these situations. I always seem to notice pg women too, and then I immediately look away. I wish I could look at them and smile, but I'm not quite there yet.

In other news I got my flu shot yesterday and now my armpit hurts. WTF? What does that mean? Is my lymph node inflamed or something? What do you do about a hurty armpit? Also I still haven't ovulated, it's cd 17. I was hoping my new herbs were going to give me the magical O on cd 14. If I can just ovulate before cd 20 that would be nice. I've only had a 28 day cycle unmedicated once in the last 5 years, so maybe I am asking too much. Acupuncture tomorrow.

childhood toy

2010-11-04T15:37:00.002-04:00

What toy from your childhood do you still have in your possession?

This was the prompt from Oct. 29th, but I didn't like today's prompt so this is the one I'm going with.

I have two special toys from my childhood. One is my Winnie the Pooh Bear. Pooh was a gift from my great grandmother before I was born. He has been very loved. He is missing half his nose and his arm has been resown one. He also has big stitches going up his back where his stuffing came out once. I think he had a vest or a t-shirt at one time but as long as I can remember he has been naked. The other toy is a stuffed koala bear. For some reason I was really into koala bears when I was 4-6 years old. I finally got to see one in real life at a special exhibit at the Knoxville Zoo when I was 15. I remember being disappointed because koala's sleep like 23 hours a day and eat for the one hour they are awake. So it wasn't the most exciting animal. But still cute. Anyway my stuffed animal koala was named Francis. I have no idea where I came up with that name but that was his name. Oh yeah Francis was a boy. I took Francis everywhere, and left him behind accidently a few times. I remember several times freaking out to my parents in our 1980 blue Honda civic hatchback to turn around because I left Francis at McDonald's or wherever. Somehow I always managed to get him back. He went with me to college and grad school and now has a special place in our guest room upstairs with Pooh Bear.

books

2010-11-03T15:51:00.002-04:00

Describe the plot of the next book you want to read, even if the book doesn't exist yet.

The next book I want to read is The Help by Kathryn Stockett. I checked it out from our local library two weeks ago and it's due next week. I haven't opened it yet because I am trying to finish reading another book I started while at the beach.

The Help is about a young white woman in the early 1960s in Mississippi who becomes interested in the plight of the black ladies' maids that every family has working for them. She writes their stories about mistreatment, abuse and heartbreaks of working in white families' homes, all just before the Civil Rights revolution.

This book has come highly recommended from my librarian mother and several friends. My mom's library at a small liberal arts college had a book club discussion about the book and said it was great. So anyway I will most likely be renewing it next week and hopefully start reading it this weekend.

National Blog Posting Month (NaBloPoMo)

2010-11-02T09:57:00.003-04:00

Tell us the story of a piece of jewelry you own. Where did it come from, and what does it mean to you?

My wedding band belonged to my grandmother. My grandparents were married for 55 years and died 6 weeks apart from each other in 1996. My grandmother had ALS, but we didn't know that was the cause of her illness until the day before she died.

She was a fun woman full of spunk and eye for fashion. I didn't know that her hair was gray until I was in my late teens, because she always dyed it black. I continue this tradition, but dye my hair blond as it is easier maintenance. Vanity may be hereditary. My grandma was a terrible cook and she made no claims to be otherwise. My grandpa used to say she could burn water. They were such a cute couple and loved each other very much. My grandpa took care of her and lived to please her.

She always wanted a pet, but my grandpa didn't want one, because they traveled so much, so instead she started feeding a baby alligator from the canal behind their home in Florida. She gave it marshmallows and called it "baby", but Baby got big and one day came up to the back door and scared my grandma to death. That was the end of her alligator feeding.

My grandma had two wedding bands. The first was the original a simple yellow gold 14K band, the second was a blinged out diamond encrusted band. When my grandma died my grandpa gave the first band to me (the oldest granddaughter) and the diamond band to my cousin. This describes the differences between myself and my cousin completely. I wore the band on a gold chain around my neck until the day I got married and my husband placed it on my hand in 2003. We had our initials and our wedding date engraved inside. I didn't have to have it re sized or anything, it fit perfectly on my hand . It means so much to me to have this ring and have a symbol of my grandparents love for each other with me always.

One day maybe I will have a daughter to pass this ring on to, and if not it will go to my eldest niece.

imaginary time lines

2010-10-06T16:14:00.003-04:00

Next week it will be five years since my first miscarriage. Five years and 8 pregnancies later still no baby. Do you ever put imaginary time lines or limits on things? Like I need to finish this race in a certain time. If I don't make that goal, I'm terrible disappointed in myself and then feel obligated to race again in order to try again to achieve that time. Does anything happen if I don't achieve this goal? no. Just me beating myself up again. Seven times I dusted myself off after saying this is it, no more I just cannot do this anymore. Yet here I am again with a tiny glimmer of hope in my heart to try one more time.

During my second miscarriage I was in the OB's office sobbing asking why? why does this happen and she said "I don't know, just keep trying. I had a patient who had 7 miscarriages before she carried to term." I remember thinking 7, whoa I could never do that. I won't be like that I couldn't possibly survive that much loss. And yet here I stand. I know someone who had 13 losses before having her daughter and I've always thought "man that took some guts". For some reason double digits really push my imaginary boundaries. But that's why you keep trying because of stories like that, because maybe this will be the one that will stick.

A fellow RPL sufferer is really hurting now and my heart just aches for her. It makes me want to scream and punch and kick. F.U. God why does this happen? But it does happen. I want so badly to have a reason this happens a problem that can be solved, an illness that can be cured. And for some it is as easy as that, and for others it just isn't.

So next Friday is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, I will light a candle as I remember my lost children and those lost by my sisters. I just thought about saying Tip a 40 for my homies... but that sounds a little crass. But maybe it made you laugh a little.

Things on the marriage front are improving, and I'm continuing with therapy, acupuncture and herbs. My cycle is still wonky as in it's cd 23 and I still haven't ovulated... c'mon stupid ovaries. If things continue to improve we might ttc in January.

We leave for the Outer Banks on the 17th and I CANNOT WAIT... I just hope it warms up a little. but even if it doesn't it will be a much needed vacation.

I'm contetmplating another 1/2 marathon in December b/c I would really like to shave 10 more minutes off my time, but it's a hilly course and the weather could be dreadful. If I train now I could possibly drop those last 5-7 pounds I want to lose. See imaginary goals and timelines. But a good distraction from my SIL's second child due Dec. 12.

onward and upward right?

TCM and other bits

2010-09-05T18:18:00.002-04:00

I went for an acupuncture nutrition appointment, which turned into more of a TCM (traditional Chinese medicine) appt. I've done this before, but each time I got pg really quick instead of giving my body a few months with the herbs and acupuncture. M.M. the TCM doc says that my YIN is all depleted as is my blood. She says I need to give my body time to rebuild from all the loss. She also feels it takes everything I have to produce and egg and once an embryo implants I have nothing left to sustain it. She wants us to wait at least 3 months before ttc again, and truly it might be longer. I am willing to give it whirl, and I think there is merit in TCM. So I left with a bottle full of herb granules to dissolve in water, and floating after an acupuncture treatment. I heart acupuncture.

My therapy and neurofeedback is progressing well. Last week she had me relive my first miscarriage. Very heavy stuff. But I am feeling stronger everyday. I was able to handle an awkward confrontation with my MIL, where she asked me why we didn't just get a surrogate? (as if they fall from trees or something). She also told she always thought she would be a grandmother. Instead of seething with anger or crying I calmly told her I wanted her to be a grandmother too, but that might not happen. I also explained that getting a surrogate was a difficult process and right now our marriage and building a healthy relationship was more important. Not to mention the fertility drugs, the cost, and so on. So points for me.

But then last night DH and I had another whopper of a fight. Where he told me I was hateful and used sex as a weapon. I don't think I use sex as a weapon, but why does he feel this way? He said he was depressed and unhappy and I was making it worse. I countered that he is an angry bitter man who is difficult to be around. Major loss of points.

Clearly we really have some problems. I am going to suggest we see a marriage counselor. Someone neutral who doesn't know either of us. There has to be a way we can grow and evolve together. I love this messed up man, but I will not let him take me back on another downward spiral. I cannot fix him, and I cannot make him want to get well. But I can continue to do what is best for me to continue to heal.

At this point ttc is not in the picture or even on the horizon. There are much more important things right now.

HSG report

2010-08-24T15:31:00.002-04:00

Had my HSG yesterday it doesn't get better the second time around. Seriously it hurt like a mother fucker. I broke out in a cold sweat and I thought I might faint. I took the ibuprofen and half a valium but still bad. So here's what we saw, my left tube is SUPER achiever and spilled with great velocity. Righty is probably fine, but it was hard to tell b/c lefty was all "in yo face I can spill better than you bee-otch!" So what the hell does that mean? I think my tubes are clear. Apparently if there is anything else to say the Doctor is going to call me. So so so glad that is over.

I'm getting a massage today. I cannot wait for 5:30 to get here. Also I can't stop eating, I think I have a tape worm. My diet is going straight to hell. Speaking of diets I'm thinking of seeing a nutritionist. My internet RPL friends have been writing some interesting things about dairy, wheat and gluten. I say this as I shove buffalo wing pretzel pieces down my throat, and dream about my glass of wine this evening. But seriously if we are going to TTC again I want to give it everything I have. So I'm thinking about meeting with a holistic nutritionist and doing acupuncture. Let's spend more money YAY!

So there's the synopsis, Left Tube rocks, right tube might be kind of slow, septum is still gone, I'm feeding my tape worm junk food, and thinking seeing a nutritionist.

The return of AF

2010-08-16T09:54:00.002-04:00

So AF finally came on cd 35. I'm not sure when or if I ovulated because my clear blue easy fertility monitor showed 10 straight days of high fertility and then went to low. No peak day to be found. So I really wasn't sure what to expect this cycle.

I started charting again. I have taken my BBT in almost two years, since m/c #5. Even though I have the fertility monitor I thought I might do this too. Really just to get more in touch with my cycle all together. Does this mean we are going to try again? I still don't have an answer for that. I am leaning that way, but waiting to see what my upcoming HSG shows us.

My thoughts on this are that, we have yet to get pregnant and try the immune therapy. So in order for me to feel I have truly given it my best shot, we need to try this as well. However I am not sure my heart is in it and that is why I waffle. Right now I feel good about where my therapy is taking me, and working on repairing my marriage. The added stress of TTC and getting pregnant is so unappealing right now, but tik tok tik tok.... blah.

In the meantime I think I have alienated a dear friend. She is 5 mos. pg w/#2 and when I tried to explain to her that I have to wrap my head around the fact I might not ever be a mother to a living child, she accused me of giving up. I told her I wasn't giving up I was being real. That childlessness is a reality for me and that makes it hard to relate with my peers. She is a member of a club I can't get in. In hindsight it sounds so mean, but I was just trying to get her to hear how I was feeling. I haven't spoken to her since then and I know I need to call.

We've scheduled a fall beach trip to the island in October and I can't wait. I'm running a 10k next month and training for that. We've joined a local church and I really like it. So things are looking up. I'm feeling lots better. If weather would just turn a little cooler and it would be bliss for the time being.

Time Warp *updated

2010-07-27T08:21:00.003-04:00

Do you ever hear a song or listen to a cd that swoops you back in time? Today on the way to work I popped in a Beth Orton cd, and suddenly its the summer of 2000 and I am in grad school in Tennessee laying on my bed with headphones during a thunderstorm. That summer was a crazy summer. I was 25. I had an affair with a guy who was living with his girlfriend. I also dated one of my former students and a marine on leave. What the hell was I thinking? My dog was a puppy and my family was still in Indiana. I struggled everyday with wanting quit school and just work. Somehow I finished and on time to boot. I wore overall shorts (I know fashion faux pas). I went to Chicago with former student boy and that was probably one of the more awkward weekends of my life, b/c we hadn't spoken for two weeks prior to the trip. He met my parents, plus he had a small penis (size matters) and a drinking problem.

That was also the summer I tried to go hiking every weekend. I miss doing that. Whoa flashback city.

**I hope I don't sound like a complete whore here, I had been in a monogamous relationship for 4.5 years prior and it took me a year to recover from that relationship. So that summer was a rebound summer for sure.**

zero

2010-07-20T15:17:00.002-04:00

Finally my beta is at zero. No more weekly blood draws whoo hoo! My Ob wants me to have an HSG done to make sure my tubes are clear next cycle, boo! I do not look forward to that experience again. Then he says we can try again the following cycle.

I still don't know where I stand on that. On trying again that is. I started therapy up again last week with a new therapist. It was ok, she is into neuro-feedback as well as talk therapy. I'm willing to give it a try. I'm reading Silent Sorority right now and Pamela Jeanne writes so well exactly what I am feeling.

My marriage is in the shitter right now and we've got to work this out before moving forward in any way. I'm not really sure how to approach this, but I am starting with working on me.

questioning

2010-07-11T16:26:00.002-04:00

I finally started to bleed and cramp today. My beta dropped yesterday, and with this recent development I am hoping they will continue to drop when I go back to the doctor Wednesday.

This pregnancy has left me reeling and my BFF revealed today that she is expecting again in January. The question that keeps getting asked is will you keep trying? The answer is complicated and truly I just don't know. DH and I have hit a rough patch and need to navigate this mine field. I'm tired of needles, and tired of doctors, tired of waiting, tired of putting my life on hold, tired of being tired. I know I have said these things before, but everything seems pretty pointless and hopeless right now.

Will having a child erase all these feelings? I don't think it will, and it makes me question why are we doing this in the first place. Is this the me I really want to be? Do I like who I have become? Who is this man I am married to, who cannot bear to around children b/c the pain is too great?

Where is the joy in my life? Where is the fun we used to have? If we choose to get off this track will our families support us? Will I be pushing my will on DH? Having a baby will not solve all these problems, nor make our lives less complicated. I really question whether the end justifies the means.

waiting again

2010-07-08T09:06:00.003-04:00

My betas have continued to go up slowly, so yesterday my OB/Gyn's nurse called to tell me I needed to go to the hospital to get the methotrexate shot. This was around 10am yesterday and I had full day planned at work, including getting my hair cut and colored. The condition of my roots was beyond critical and I already had rescheduled this hair appointment 3 times. Not to mention one of our congressional representatives was coming to visit our farmers market and had called me directly (well his secretary called) to make sure I would give them the tour. So it would not be possible for me to get to the hospital that is an hour away until after 5pm. I asked if I couldn't go today as it was a better day but no, she felt it was critical I get the shot that day. I don't understand that for a whole week it was all let's just wait and see, and then suddenly it's you gotta get the shot NOW. I mean my beta level was still only 169. So after I met with the congressman, got my haircut and had a meeting with the city I headed to the hospital.

This is a Women's Hospital that I have never been to. It's very nice and the nurses were very compassionate and nice about my situation. Which is very different than anything I have experienced before. I feel good that should I ever actually deliver a baby I would be in good hands there. Ok on with the story. I arrive at the hospital around 6:15 they bring me in quick and take vitals, and explain what is going to happen. I have to explain my story too, which brought out the tears, but not too bad. They have to do a full cbc and another stinking beta. It takes a little over an hour for them to run the blood. Luckily there is a nice shopping center nearby and they said I could leave and come back. At 8pm they call me back, take vitals again go over again what is going to happen (new nurse). The new nurse asks if I have been to see an endocrinologist yet..hah I've been to four. I explain my immune issues and what that means. She asks me if I am in the medical profession, and is shocked when I tell her I am in agriculture. She says you could write a book, like "miscarriages for dummies". Oh bless her heart, I know she meant well but really? We are waiting for the pharmacist to make up the shot. Finally at 8:50pm I get the shot and that is that. They send me on my way. I got home at 10pm.

They gave me conflicting information about when I would start cramping and bleeding. One nurse said within 24 hours and they other said in 3 days. Today I decided to stay home from work because I didn't want to start heavy cramping there, and I was unsure of how the side effects would actually effect me. So far, I am just sensitive to light, and I have dull throbbing headache, which may or may not be from crying for days on end. Otherwise I feel ok, no cramping or bleeding. I go back for another beta on Saturday and have an appointment with my Ob on Wednesday. I really hope this works, and gets through my system quickly.

They said I could go out in the sun as long as I wore a hat and sunscreen which is good because I have some research on two farms that I have to go change and collect the insect traps. And I would like to go running too. Hopefully tomorrow will not be as bloody hot as it has been the last two days. We could really use some rain.

Still in Hell

2010-07-01T12:36:00.002-04:00

This is worse than a miscarriage I think. I hate being in limbo. My beta today was 126. This is obviously not a viable pregnancy. It is not obvious if it is ectopic yet. My vein rolled this morning and that hurts like a mother fucker. I hate the ob/gyn office full of glowing preggo women, and then there is me with my scarlet letter screaming INFERTILE or worse "habitual aborter" to scare the others. I fall apart and have panic attacks each time I am there. I'm waiting for Dr. T to call me back and tell me if I can stop the lovenox, and progesterone. I want to know how many beta's does it take for them to decide if I need the methotrexate shot. I don't know how much more my veins can take.

welcome to hell

2010-06-29T15:30:00.002-04:00

HCG level yesterday 76

HCG level today 96

u/s showed empty ute, and tubes.

OB says get back on crinone and start taking lovenox, beta test again Thursday.

Still waiting to hear back from Dr. C in Chicago, and clinic in SC.

My world just crashed in, and I am fighting for air......

**update: both clinics are of the opinion that this is an ectopic pg, but feel I should stay with my ob for monitoring and any follow up.

HCG levels

2010-06-27T10:58:00.002-04:00

I think my HCG levels have increased.. WTF? I still haven't started to bleed, and my breasts are tender. This morning I took an HPT and the line came up pretty quick and much darker than the faint tests I had on Wednesday. What does this mean? Is it ectopic? How long before they can determine that? Poop.

over

2010-06-23T19:49:00.002-04:00

It's over, beta #2 was 16, levels are dropping. The clinic is calling it a chemical pregnancy. Honestly I am relieved. The anxiety and agony of waiting for these results, all the while not feeling pregnant and not feeling good at all about this cycle. I felt a HUGE weight off my shoulders when the call came in. They took more blood tests for an APA and RIP to see if they can see what goes on in my body when I am pregnant even if it is just a little pregnant. I have a phone consult to go over the results in July 8th, and maybe it will add some more pieces to the puzzle of my RPL. Thank you all for your support and loving comments. I hope you don't think less of me, because I am not devastated by this loss. In some ways I feel like it doesn't count. I still want to have a baby, I want to be pregnant. I still believe this is possible.

beta

2010-06-21T13:35:00.002-04:00

My beta was positive but my number was very dismal at 17.6 . I do not have a good feeling. I'm waiting to hear back from the clinic in Chicago to see what they want me to do. I'm inclined to wait for a second beta to see if the numbers are doubling. Still the last time I had a beta this low it was considered a chemical pregnancy, there was no development at 6 weeks, pg#5, also with clomid.
bah...

why do I do this?

2010-06-20T19:42:00.002-04:00

Tests #3, and 4 were lily white negatives, so at 12dpo I called it, and told DH we would need to try again. But then I started thinking about when I actually ovulated versus when they gave me the trigger shot. So they gave me the trigger shot on June 7 (Monday) so technically I ovulated 36 hours later on Tuesday June 8th. So really yesterday was 11dpo right? Making today 12dpo and of course I POAS. there is a very very very very faint line. My beta is tomorrow and I withheld the urge to run out and buy an expensive FREPT b/c tomorrow we will know for sure. So I have studied a pee stick most of the day. What kind of freak am I?

test # 2

2010-06-17T12:37:00.001-04:00

still negative, but it's still early. still hopeful... sort of

mind f*ck

2010-06-15T08:11:00.003-04:00

Ok, so I tested on Sunday (6dpo) afternoon, and got a BFN, but that was not fresh morning pee so I thought I should test again this morning and again BFN. So I assume this means the trigger is out of my system at 8dpo. I am worried this means maybe it didn't work. No one else seems to have their trigger gone this early. Maybe my cheap internet tests are no good. Last time I tested positive at 11dpo w/internet cheapies. I wish I would have tested earlier to know how long the trigger lasted in my system. I still have a little hope b/c this morning I woke up and my sense of smell seems to be uber sensitive and my breasts are slightly sore.

I hate when I do this to myself. I have been going running just 2 miles and slow, also listening to my relaxation cd which is helpful too. My plan is to test again Thursday and Friday. The timing of all this is almost exactly the same as last time, hopefully this one will have a better outcome.

I feel like a crazy maniac.

2 week wait

2010-06-13T08:52:00.002-04:00

I am now officially in the middle of my 2ww. We triggered last Monday, I had one follie that was 19. That doesn't sound very big based on my Dr. Google research but the doctors and nurses felt good about it so there you go. We followed our instructions on intercourse and then some, for added coverage and now it's the waiting game. I've read that you can try to home test starting 8-10 days past trigger and not get a false positive. Anyone had any experience with this? I have my beta June 21 which will be 14dpo (or trigger). I don't think I can hold out that long. I am worried about making travel plans to Chicago if I get a positive and I want to get intralipid therapy ASAP if I am pg.

The biggest bummer of my appointment on Monday was the nurse said absolutely no exercise until my beta. Shit, I have gained close to 4 pounds since we started meds. I need to run and go to the gym for my sanity. She said I could walk, but I just don't get the same endorphins from that. For me exercise has taken the place of my antidepressant. She specifically said no twisting so I'm thinking a slow easy run would be ok. And maybe my Pump class as long as I pass on the abs part. I know ME and Body Combat would be out, which is more sad b/c I love those classes. I just have to keep my eye on the prize, and not turn into a giant bowl of cookie dough.

stupid ovaries

2010-06-04T16:11:00.002-04:00

I'm responding to the meds but my follies are not big enough to trigger. Only 14mm, so I have to take mena.pur until Sunday, go back to the clinic Monday and hopefully trigger. My E2 was 189. I don't know what that means but the nurse told me it was good and I was responding. It's only CD11, I never ever ovulate naturally before CD19 and with femara I did o on CD14. So technically this is a good cycle. I was just hoping that it would all look good this morning and we would trigger today. If my clinic wasn't a 300mile round trip drive it wouldn't be so bad. And really it's not bad. just mildly irritating.... In other news my family is having a war on fa.ce.book which is stupid, but I also responded in an e-mail not a wall post to my cousin that she was out of line talking to my dad like that. So now I've got that to deal with too. Again in the grand scheme not a big deal just mildly irritating. I had a good cry on the way home from the clinic. I really haven't cried like that in a long time. Meds, hormones, disappointment, I don't know.

I'm watching Law & Order my comfort show right now. Old episodes are awesome. I heart Lenny Brisco.

And so it begins....

2010-05-27T14:34:00.002-04:00

I start my Cl.o.mid today... Yesterday I had my baseline scan and then learned how to give myself mena.pur injections. It was a little overwhelming but I know I can do this. I don't know how you IVF girls do it. This is my first medicated cycle with injectibles. My new clinic gave a detailed calendar and instructions. I love calendars and lists, so this gives me mucho comfort. Fingers crossed my follicles grow and we can trigger next Friday. Meanwhile I plan to keep my regular exercise schedule to keep my stress level down. Truthfully I am slightly terrified about this. One I cannot fathom dealing with another miscarriage but at least I know how to deal with that. What's more scary is what if this works? What if I make it to the 2nd trimester? Will my head explode? Will the world stop turning?

I know, I know, one day at a time.

here we go again

2010-05-19T09:41:00.002-04:00

We are on vacation right now it's raining so I am blogging. DH is out fishing in the rain, and I am waiting for it to stop so I can go on a run. I am one of those weird people who exercise while on vacation. Maybe it somehow cancels out all the beer. I ovulated early this cycle so it appears I will be start my period Sunday. This means we will begin our last try at having a baby biologically. So next week will be clomood rage followed by menapur, trigger shot and timed intercourse. Whee! Last week I met with a new OB. Dr. T (Thanks for the recommendation JJ) was great and agreed to monitor me through this process. I asked if I could bypass the happy baby package nurse appt. initially until it was clear I would make it through the first trimester. He agreed to that. That in itself is a huge relief. I've had that appt. too many times already. Once I have positive beta I will make an appt. for an intralipid infusion in Chicago. So I will keep you posted as we get on this roller coaster again. Maybe this time will be a better ending.

Oh... I found this beautiful necklace here on the island at a little gallery I always shop at. It' sterling silver with a dragonfly and this quotation etched on it "Gracefulness has been defined to be the outward expression of the inward harmony of the soul. Grace must find expression in life. Grace glides on blistered feet. Grace is the refinement of your soul through time"

As always I am trying to find my grace.

Project IF 2010

2010-04-23T16:18:00.007-04:00

Category: How infertility impacts your emotional health.

What if I have to learn to live childfree with a smile….forever?

This used to be my fear and still is in many ways. Every once in a while I find myself chanting, I can't have children, I can't have children, an imaginary response to the question "So do you have kids?". It's often as I pass the elem. school on my way to work that I find myself doing this. Five years of TTC with 7 miscarriages under my belt has made me have very little faith in myself. In fact there is little that I don't doubt myself on anymore. I question my ability to achieve anything. Five years ago we started to TTC, I stopped taking the pill and just knew I would be p/g in 3 months. And I was... only to lose the baby six weeks later. Back then I thought by 2010 I would have two kids and considering a third in two years.

My life my plans my view of myself have drastically changed in so many ways. IF/RPL will push you to your very limits. Make you question your will to survive. After my last miscarriage in August I found myself thinking about driving my car into a tree. While in Oregon I envisioned throwing myself off the cliffs and into the Pacific. These terrible thoughts gave me peace during that time. It is macabre. It is sad and disgusting. It is true.

I'm more than aware that these are symptoms of major clinical depression. Over the last six months those thoughts have gone away. I never really wanted to die I just wanted to stop, escape the pain, suffering, guilt, sense of failure and disappointment on repeatedly losing my child, my hopes, my dreams. Quite frankly losing whole pieces of myself to where I couldn't recognize me anymore.

This experience has stripped my husband and I down to our very cores exposing the ugly parts of our souls. It has pushed our marriage to the edge.

Through prayer and sheer determination and will power, I feel we have clawed our way through to the other side.

The thought that we may live childfree does not scare me anymore. Sometimes it makes me sad, but sometimes I think it might be fun. It will hard to not belong to that club all our friends belong to, but we can have very full lives without children. No matter what happens IF/RPL has forever changed me, but finally I can start to see glimpses of myself again. I am still here and I can still love. That gives me strength for another day.

To see more of this project go to:
Stirrup Queens, Bloggers Unite

For more information on infertility go to RESOLVE

Please help spread the word and educate others:

National Infertility Awareness Week

35

2010-03-10T09:40:00.007-05:00

Tomorrow is my 35th birthday. Hummphhh. The lyrics to An.i Di.Franco's song Wish I May roll through my head...

"it takes a stiff upper lip
just to hold up my face
i gotta suck it up and savour
the taste of my own behaviour
i am spinning with longing
faster then a roulette wheel
this is not who i meant to be
this is not how i meant to feel"

This is NOT who I meant to be... this bitter shell of who I used to be. I hate that this thing RPL has taken so much of my joy, has taken my ability to have joy for others. I hate what it has done to my husband and I hate that I don't know what or how to make it better. Last night we had THE conversation again. We talk about money and the potential costs of trying to have a biological child. The cost and knowing there is no guarantee that we will carry to term make this that much harder. So I ask him to look hard inside and tell me if wants to do this, because I need him to be totally on board. This is hard there is nothing easy about this.

When we have THIS conversation, it somehow falls back to my brother and his wife and how they were not supportive during our losses. My husband does not forgive this, and feels they do not deserve a child, nonetheless they have one and we do not. He has chosen to not take part in family gatherings because of this. While this hurts me, I respect his choice and do not push it. But he has to understand that I won't sever ties and my niece is important to me. I want to be a part of her life. I want to be there for her if she needs someone and I want her to feel loved. That means I have to suck up my own feelings of insecurity and grief and go to the 1st birthdays and other functions. I know he wants to wrap ourselves in a world where there are no oops babies and all parents have good jobs and make good decisions before they have a child. You know that this is not possible and moreover I wouldn't even exist if my parents had waited to meet those expectations. My brother loves that baby with all his heart and so does his wife and they will do anything for her. I think my husband needs a target to direct his anger at all our misfortune and my brother is it.

So we continue on this endless merry-go-round and really I just want to get off. It's my birthday tomorrow and I want something to be joyful about.

now I'm just eating hush puppies

2010-02-23T12:43:00.004-05:00

nom nom nom..... suck it WW!

Internetz we kinda sorta have a plan.... We will wait to get back on the TTC coaster until after our vacation the OBX in May. The idea of trying to schedule treatments and being at the scary 8-9 week stage on vacation is not appealing. I want to be able to enjoy this trip.

The blood tests showed that I am heterozygous for MTHFR, PA1, Factor viii. Dr. C. said this means my body is not absorbing folic acid like it should, so now I am on a Rx folic acid 1mg/day. She said right now no lovenox, but that may change based on blood tests when I get pg again. My ANA's were negative again so that is good. The only other thing wrong is elevated NK cell activity.

The other interesting thing my primary care Dr. K told me with results from my last round of blood tests is that I am deficient in oleic acid, zinc and all antioxidants. Dr. K seems to think I am running on fumes and my body would not be able to fight off a major infection. My immune system is bunk.

WTF? He is puzzled by this b/c I do eat well and I exercise regularly. What is the deal with my body not absorbing vitamins? So now I am on a bunch of supplements
Co Q 10, chromium, zinc, selenium, Vit. D, plus my pre-natal and the prescription Folic Acid. I had to buy an old lady pill holder just to keep up with it all. Plus he wants me to eat a piece of citrus everyday.

Where was I? oh yeah the plan.. The plan is a medicated timed intercourse cycle end of May beginning of June. As soon as I have a positive beta, I am to have either an IVIG or intralipid infusion. Weekly u/s monitoring, Weekly testing of NK, and ANA during first trimester with bi-weekly phone consults with Dr. C. Infusions every 4 weeks. Minimum of 2 Maximum of 4. If insurance doesn't cover anything but the u/s monitoring we are looking at around $12,000.00. Eeeks....

Right now I know insurance will not cover the phone consults. I am still waiting to see what coverage they will give on the blood testing. Because the lab is out-of-network my deductible is double what it is for in-network. Out of pocket the blood tests are $410. Eight-12 weeks of that adds up quick. The phone consults are $250 each time. IVIG is somewhere between $1500 and $3000/infusion. I haven't gotten a clear answer yet but there is a tiny possibility for some insurance coverage. Intralipids are $600/infusion with no insurance at all. I have to fly to Chicago for intralipids. IVIG can be done 3 hours away.

The only thing that is bugging me today is that if we do this next month instead I might get more insurance coverage b/c I have already met my deductible for this plan year and I am half way there on my co-insurance. So it may make more sense not to wait. Our plan year starts over July 1 with increases in our deductibles. So there is that.

In other news I have lost another 4lbs so 12lbs in all, my skinny pants are starting to fit again. My goal is to lose another 7lbs, and I will be back to my pre IF weight. I signed up to run another half marathon in April. I going to try the Galloway walk/run method and see if I can't run a much faster time w/o pooping at some strangers house.

Oh and my birthday is in two weeks so I will officially be of advanced maternal age, great...

eating my words

2010-02-19T10:15:00.003-05:00

Remember how I said I was getting used to the idea that maybe we wouldn't have kids....

Well I know my co-worker is pregnant again...she has not told me but my pg radar is going off like crazy and I expect an announcement any day now. And how do I feel about this?

Sad...angry...woe... Why not me? how come the rest of the world has such an easy time with this and I have death and destruction? crying in my office feeling like a failure at everything I do. Wanting to be a better person than this, wanting to be stronger.

I just had my year end evaluation (in Feb. I know) for work and I was told I need to work harder at my attitude and relationships with my co-workers. I need to "be sweet" but in the same sentence I was told I do an excellent job. I'm sorry I can't be pollyana sunshine every fucking day when it feel like the world is against me.

Fuck I need to pull myself together and get over myself.... Sorry for the rant but I guess that is what this blog is for.

ps.. I could really use a xanax right now anxiety is not my friend

bullets

2010-01-27T15:55:00.010-05:00

I've had a blog post rolling around my head for a while, but when I start to write, it feels incoherent. Maybe bulleted points would be better

1. weight watchers:
I've been doing ww for 3 months and I've lost 8 pounds w/o being really serious about it. My mom and aunt are doing it too, and have lost lots of weight. I really want lost 10 pounds before we TTC again and before I turn 35 in March. So I'm really trying and I am REALLY hungry. Cookies are constantly calling my name and begging me to eat them.

2. drinking:
I am trying to give up drinking for 30 days, b/c
a. the points it adds up to on ww.
b. I feel like I've been drinking too much, well not really too much but more often than I should for my waistline and my pocket book.

3. running:
I ran a half marathon a few weeks ago, in the freezing cold and it sucked major monkey balls. My time was so incredibly slow. At mile 7 I realized I needed to poop and thought about jumping in the woods, but then thought maybe it will go away...it didn't. At mile 9 I was getting very desperate and thinking about what to do. We were in some residential neighborhood and I saw a man come out of his house in his pajamas and start his car to warm it up. I asked if I could please use his bathroom, and he graciously let me in. I'm sure my face was showing all sorts of desperation. So thank you kind man in Florence SC for letting me poo in your bathroom and not have an accident in my pants. By the time I slogged through miles 10 and 11 my legs decided to go on strike and the last two miles were hideous. but I finished and did not poop my pants so good race for me.

4. RPL/IF:
The potential cost for treatments with IVIG or intralipids has caused a few arguments in our house. The last blood tests were taken yesterday and hopefully in two weeks we will have a fully laid out plan. My cycle has been really off since the last miscarriage. I'm averaging 35 day cycles ovulating on day 23 or 24 so only a 11-12 day luteal phase sometimes as short as 10 days. I'm hoping my vitamin D supplement will help sort it out. Often I sit on the fence about whether this is worth it? Mel had a great post about it "Was it worth it?" and truly it is a question I think about every day. I hope and pray that it is. In many ways this has become more about me kicking the shit out of RPL rather than having a baby. So I really have to ask myself these hard questions. I'm not sure what the answers are but I'm doing a lot of soul searching.

5. Car Drama:
On the way back from the blood work Tuesday morning a big rock flew out from an oncoming semi and hit my windshield. So today I am spending the day at the library waiting for my car to get a new windshield. Yay!

So there are my bulleted points, there was probably more rolling in my head but it has since left, also I had a double latte at 8:30 and I am still shaking at noon.

Update

2010-01-15T16:27:00.002-05:00

I had my phone consult with Dr. Coulam last week, and she wants more blood, so we will not cycle this month. She did feel that IVIG or intralipids would be the treatment for me. If I want intralipids it looks like I would need to find a way to get to Chicago once a month for the first trimester once I get pregnant. If I choose IVIG it can be done in SC (a 3 hr drive away). The big difference is cost. $3,000 for IVIG and $600 for intralipids. So we are looking into both possibilities and still waiting to find out if insurance might cover some of it. Meantime we will have the other blood tests done and wait and see.

My work up from my PCP showed I am Vitamin D deficient so now I'm taking 5000iu of Vitamin D 4 days a week. Hopefully that will improve some of my issues.

This has been a very long journey of IF/RPL and I need it to come to an end soon. That end may be without a child and that's something I am coming closer to being at peace with.

doctors, doctors, doctors

2009-12-11T11:07:00.002-05:00

I went to see my PCP Monday for an annual physical. Of course they asked the questions about my RPL, which brought on the tears. I cannot seem to talk about this to people without crying. I have been dealing with this for almost five years and yet I tear up just giving simple medical information. I really like my PCP Dr. K because he is not prescription happy. He is open to alternative care, his sister is an acupuncturist and his wife owns a natural foods store. In addition is genuinely concerned about his patients and spends time with them.

After discussing my losses, the subsequent testing and depression. He did order to have my Vitamin D levels tested and my potassium levels at the cellular level. Surprisingly enough, Vitamin D is one thing I haven't been tested for. As I blubbered through the physical, he suggested that I write out my life purpose, and additionally make a list of the things that are really bothering me in my life and ask the question of each "Do I have control over this?" if the answer is yes then the next question is "What are you going to do about it?". He said to work on the things you can control and give the rest up to God. While I tell myself this daily it was good to hear it from someone else and I've never actually written it down. I am a firm believer in writing things down because then they are real. So this is a project I intend to work on this weekend.

In other doctor related news I found a clinic in SC that does IVIG and intralipid therapy, so at least that's closer to home (3hr drive) than NJ.
Dr. W in SC was great, she works with Dr. Coulam in IL for patients with RPL and immune issues. So I have a phone consult with her on Dec. 24th. This doctor is one of the leads in RPL and immune so I am super stoked about this. Also Dr. W did not think IVF was necessary and is willing to work with me. We will do a stimulated cycle with clomid/menapur and an HCG trigger with timed intercourse along with whatever therapy Dr. Coulam recommends in January. Hopefully this will be the answer to our prayers and if anything bring some sort of closure to this journey.

Advice Needed

2009-11-20T12:03:00.002-05:00

I just finished another phone consult with SIRM. My blood test results from the immune study showed a high level of activated Natural Killer Cells. The recommendation for treatment was Interlipid treatment with IVF.

IVF? This has floored me. We never talked about IVF before. I am reeling just from the prospect of this. No offense to my IF sisters who have gone to IVF, but I have RPL, I am a fertile infertile.

His reasoning for IVF was that they could control the timing and transfer the best embryo. He said they don't have data on interlipid treatment with natural cycles or IUI.

There is a lot to consider here. The SIRM clinic is NJ, and I live in NC. My clinic here does IVF but not interlipid therapy. The cost is a factor b/c insurance is not going to cover any ART and won't cover the interlipids b/c there are still considered experimental. Please any assvice will be heard, what do you think?

What I want is what I've not got, when what I need is all around me

2009-11-10T08:15:00.002-05:00

I'm feeling blue, like I've lost my mojo at work. I need some inspiration to get fired up again.

It's deer season again, which means early mornings and the smell of gunfire.. yeehaw! This time of year, my neighborhood is filled with pickemup trucks, gun racks and 4-wheelers. My dog goes to live with my parents in the city so he doesn't get accidentally shot, or worse purposely shot. My DH hunts, but he is a conscientious hunter in that he hunts for meat not necessarily horns. Although he does dream of mounting a huge 12point head in my living room someday. I truly hope that day never comes. I had to set a limit of the number of horns allowed in one room. As a former vegetarian and a person who really doesn't like guns, I guess it is ironic that I married this hunter gun fanatic. Somehow we make it work, and I really enjoy not having to buy beef.

So here's to deer season, and a freezer full of venison.

onion breath

2009-10-30T13:53:00.002-04:00

I have onion breath, from my lunch blech.....

I have positive anti-nuclear antibodies.... What does that mean? Apparently not a lot so far. Only one of my follow up tests Dr. P ordered from that have returned and it is normal. Dr. Google tells me I might have lupus (SLE), but I have no symptoms but the ANA, so anyways....

I did not get the job I interviewed for in May. I didn't realize how unsure I was about really wanting that job until they announced my co-worker was selected. It was a huge relief and weight off my shoulders. Although I would love the extra moolah, the stress and dealing with certain personnel issues are not what I need right now. So this is a good thing and there will be other opportunities soon.

We had the immune testing done this week and blood shipped off to Chicago. So we should have results sometime in the next two weeks. I hope they tell us something.

I've been running more lately, and I signed up for several races over the next couple months. The plan is to start TTC or something in Jan if we have a plan of action by then. So for now, I'm enjoying my wine and running the calories off each day. I love fall in the Piedmont it's so pretty, I've been meaning to take some pics and post them. I'll try to do that next week. Happy Halloween, and daylight savings time

The Return of AF and other Uterine Adventures

2009-10-06T13:43:00.002-04:00

AF finally made her appearance on CD50. The day after we returned from Portland so at least my vacation/work conference was period free, but full of pregnancy worry.

Yesterday I had a saline sonogram. A resident did my scan, and lucky me it was the same kid who did my u/s to confirm my last pregnancy. So when he walked in he's all smiles, I think I've scanned you before. Yup that would be my last miscarriage... oh well have you had a saline sono before? Yes twice, I know what to expect.

The initial scan of my ovaries was painful, The kid was really pushing the dildo cam up there. Then came the catheter, YEEOWCH!, the kid asks are you ok? WTF? no I'm not ok, but do your g.d. job and get out of my hooha ok.

The scan showed a possible polyp or piece of endometrium flapping around. (Seriously that's what the kid said.). Then they took six vials of blood for a more cardiolipin testing, to see if things have changed.

My plan is to see what Dr. P says about the scan and the blood tests and then decide about doing the immune testing. Right now I'm 95% sure I will do the immune testing. The thing is the tests will cost about $1000 up front, insurance coverage is really questionable. My dh and I have not talked about him having a semen analysis yet. I told him about it after my phone consult with SIRM, and he said ok, but we haven't discussed the whole plan yet. But ultimately I think the immune testing will give me some sort direction as to what if anything we do next. Here is the the other thing, I'm kind of nervous to tell Dr. P about talking with SIRM. I'm afraid he'll get mad or something. I know that is stupid, but I like Dr. P and even if I get treated by SIRM I might still need him as an RE. I know this is silly, but I feel like I've been cheating on him somehow. I just want Dr. P to stay on my side even though I may seek treatment or tests for something he doesn't see as valid. Anyway I plan to talk to him about it when we go over the test results.

Uterus

2009-09-17T08:53:00.002-04:00

Dear Uterus- Why must you be such a shithead? I try my best to have a healthy relationship with you, but you keep letting me down. This lastest shenanigan of hiding AF from me is very irritating. I am trying to forgive you for your past mistakes with the killing babies and everything, but you are not making it easy. Give me back my period so we can start over.
xoxo
amylynn

Phone Consultation

2009-09-15T10:53:00.002-04:00

I just got off the phone with SIRM clinic. First the dr. spent an hour on the phone with me. WOW! Because this was a free consult.

He said, with all my history and test results there is no reason for me to be on Lovenox. We talked about the possibility of genetic factors that we can't see with a general karyotype.

He suggested I have the full autoimmune panel blood work done. He seemed to know my RE, Dr.P as he kept referring to him by his first name, and was understanding of the fact that Dr. P doesn't believe in immune problems and RPL. He explained about intralipid treatments and the success he has seen at SIRM and what it might involve if my tests are positive.

He also suggested my dh get a sperm analysis.

Some things that impressed me, are that he did not push IVF with PGD which is what several other doctors have said. He didn't mention it all. He did mention IUI, but simply for a timing issue. He didn't talk about me having to come all the way to NJ for treatment if it's needed.

I asked him if I should be alarmed about no AF at cd39 (BFN this morning test #8). He said not really, but there could be some scarring that could be slowing AF down. He did think I should have Dr. P do the SHG like he wants too, and possibly follow me through one normal cycle with u/s at cd3 and cd 14. I've never had that done before.

So all in all I am very pleased with this consult and it at least gives me some things to think about.

labels and plans

2009-09-11T08:30:00.003-04:00

I already know I have the label habitual aborter on my chart, and probably difficult patient too. But these labels will not define me. I thought long and hard last night about what will I do.

I still have not gotten my period and HPT #5 was negative, now on cd 35. After my 3rd miscarriage it took 36 days for AF. My longest cycle was 40days (possible chemical pg). I ran hard yesterday hoping to kickstart AF, but no.

So if I am pg, I will start Lovenox as soon as I get a positive HPT, along with prometrium. I have a month's supply of both, b/c I just refilled my Rx right before the miscarriage. We are going on a trip to Portland for a week Sept.20th, so my feeling is to wait until we get back to call the doctor. I think I will call the MFM, but maybe my RE too. We also have a camping trip planned for Oct 11-14th. My thoughts are not to have u/s until we get back from that. That would put me at 10wks post d&c. God knows how many dpo, since I thought I o'd on cd 11 and obviously that can't be right b/c I would have had BFP or AF by now.

So right now, live my life try not to worry, because what can I do anyway. Hopefully I will know one way or the other in a few days. I hope I know something by Tuesday when I have my phone consult with SIRM.

guilt

2009-09-10T15:53:00.002-04:00

What am I going to do if I am pregnant? I know we should have waited longer, and I shouldn't have trusted the Fertility Monitor. Damnit, we have been down this road before. I should have known better. Now I will have even more sad faces on my chart. I spoke with my MFM Dr. D. this morning briefly. She said she would contact other doctors across the country about my case to see if there might be other treatments. She said she had found nothing new, and then I told her I hadn't started my period yet, but several pg tests were negative.

Her voice just dropped and she said oh....I could feel the dirty look across the phone.

worries

2009-09-08T12:59:00.002-04:00

I am worried I am pregnant again. I have taken 4 tests all negative, but it's cd32 and still no period. Shit...

My RE Dr. P wants to look at uterus again. Because maybe it's changed since the last time he looked at it? Another SHG for me yippee!! He said no to the immune testing.

I have a phone consultation with SIRM next week.

I am carrying around this grief in my heart, that makes me lay awake at night wondering if my heart will stop beating. Nothing takes the ache away. I know I am depressed and should seek therapy again. The thing is I don't want to talk about it. It hurts too much to speak, and it is easier to push it away. Although I know this is not healthy it's the best I can do for now.

useful information?

2009-08-28T10:57:00.002-04:00

I reluctantly called my RE's office this week, because after my D&C I was told to give them a call in 2 weeks if I hadn't heard anything. They did a CVS and tested the fetal tissue, and karyotyped. The CVS was done b/c my RE was adamant we have it done, even though two MFM's said it's going to be normal. But Dr. P my RE really really really wanted it done so it was.

Well guess what? It was a genetically normal girl. What the fuck does this tell us? Nothing that's what. I'm normal disgustingly normal. Dear God how I wish something was wrong at least then we could put a label on it. Create a plan on how to treat it, instead we get unexplained RPL.

I feel so defeated, so sad, so tired, my chest feels tight and breathing is a battle.

I am waiting to hear back from Dr. P and then I guess we will discuss our options. From all my previous test results I can't tell that I have been tested for immunologic problems specifically NK cells. Not sure what difference this makes in the end.

My doctors are good and caring people, I thought Dr.P might cry at my d&c and my MFM Dr. D. was simply beautiful throughout this mess. I am lucky to have caring medical professionals.

I looked at surrogacy websites yesterday to get a feel for the potential cost, which looks to be close to or even more than adoption. Truly I just don't know how I feel about any of it. Even though, I know I don't have to make decisions right now, there is also this underlying sense of urgency. We're not getting any younger, DH's parents are in their 70's now. These are silly things but still weigh heavily on my mind. What does it mean if we just stop?

crossroads

2009-08-18T11:11:00.002-04:00

It's been two weeks since my baby died. The first week was spent frantically trying to schedule a d&c, with anesthesia and a doctor I knew. The second week spent travelling to Indiana for my cousin's wedding and distracting myself with books on CD and long visits with a dear friend. Yesterday it all came crashing in again.

I truly don't know where we will go from here. For the first time I can picture my life without children, but with that I can also picture myself trying again.

Hope can be one strong bitch when she wants to be.

My fertility monitor told me I am ovulating today. Interesting because I am still bleeding from the d&c. Our bodies are weird contraptions.

So what I want to do right now is crawl back into bed and not face the world, but I can't do that forever. Right now I am just going through the motions.

#7

2009-08-05T14:01:00.002-04:00

The ultrasound on Monday showed no heartbeat. My baby died sometime on Friday or Saturday. I will have a d&c on Friday. Fucking deja vu all over again. Fool me once shame on you, fool me 7 times, for fuck's sake what's wrong with me? How many times can a person be kicked down before they decide they don't want to get up anymore? I can't do this anymore. I'm not sure where we will go from here, but I will be out of Internet land for awhile. I'm in the public library and the pregnant librarian is discussing how she will decorate her nursery. I need to get out of here.

Scan 3

2009-07-27T13:13:00.002-04:00

I think I might actually have a real live baby. Today I measured 8 weeks 4 days, and it actually looked like something other than a blob. It had a head and arm buds and leg buds, and it actually wiggled around. It was amazing. The first u/s where I didn't cry. The heart rate was 188bpm.

I'm starting to believe this might actually happen...

second scan

2009-07-20T15:22:00.003-04:00

Today was my second u/s. We still have a heartbeat. The rate is 160bpm. I measured 7weeks 3 days today. I found this a little disconcerting because I measured 6 weeks 4 days one week ago today. But Dr. D said that was nothing to worry about. My anxiety level is still very high. All of my previous miscarriages have occurred between 68 and 73 days LMP. Today is day 59. Dr. D my MFM is fabulous, so caring and gentle with me her freaked out patient. Two more weeks until I pass the hurdle. My MFM agreed to be my only doctor until we pass that point, then I will need to get an OB too. Maybe by then I will be able to get through an ultrasound without bursting into tears.

First Scan

2009-07-14T08:24:00.004-04:00

My scan went well yesterday. I am measuring 6wks 4 days and the heart beat 117bpm. I am terrified.

My RE decided they were just going to release me yesterday, which left me with no plan for the next ultrasound. This is a spontaneous pregnancy to them and I think that makes me less important as far as they are concerned. My RE doctor was not there yesterday either and I had some new guy who didn't know shit about me or my history. He was trying to talk to me about what I should eat and stuff during early pregnancy. I said to him this is my 7th pregnancy I know the deal.

I explained that I needed (yes I need them) weekly ultrasounds for the next 4 weeks, b/c of my history. They didn't seem to care and said talk to your OB about it.

The thing is I don't have an OB yet. I fired my last one, and I haven't got a new one yet. I don't want to either until I make it past the scary part. I do have an MFM and thank GOD for her. I left a hysterical message with her yesterday and she called me back around 6:30 last night. She said she couldn't tell if I was really happy or really scared. I told her I am scared to death. I need a plan, and the RE made me leave without a plan. She said not to worry she would monitor me weekly, and scheduled ultrasounds for the next two weeks. I am so blessed to have her, and she hopefully doesn't think me too crazy. I don't care if she does as long as I can have the weekly scans. Only six more days until the next one.

This part is pure hell or maybe it's more like purgatory because there is that shred of hope that it will be ok. I am trying desperately to focus on work and getting through each day.

Face Down on the bathroom floor

2009-07-04T12:13:00.002-04:00

Lucky for me my work is pretty flexible with my scheduling, because adapting to lovenox has been a little challenging. The first shot was great, a little stinging but no bruising. The next two just as good. In fact I was getting a little cocky, thinking I won't bruise at all.

Friday morning I wake up and prepare to give myself the shot. I sit on the toilet while I do it. I got the needle in and then my ears started to ring, I remember pushing the plunger and that's it. Next thing I know I am face down on the bathroom floor. My husband heard a loud bang and it woke him up. When I came to, I yelled for him. He came and asked what happened. The needle is laying on the floor, I'm on the floor my head is killing me, and my knees are banged up, and I have a bruise on my stomach. Luckily no major injuries and I didn't break the needle or anything. I scared myself and my husband to death. I guess my blood sugar was too low, as was my blood pressure.

So today I ate a granola bar first and numbed the spot with ice, then I sat on the floor with my back against the wall. The smell of alcohol makes me dizzy but I did the shot without fainting and that's a start.

I'm bruising every time now, I guess because the blood thinner is doing it's job.

Beta # 2

2009-06-30T11:36:00.002-04:00

After calling my RE office 4 times, I found out the hospital didn't fax my results over, So one quick call to the lab and the results are in

Beta #2: 631 at 18 dpo

Today I go to my MFM to learn how to give myself the lovenox injections. I have an appointment for my first ultrasound July 13.

It has almost been a full year since my last miscarriage. I thought I would be better prepared this go around, not so much.. I have sudden surges of anxiety where I feel like I might burst into tears and then it passes. I hate this waiting to find out if it's viable or not. I cannot bear to see another empty sac, and then if there is a heartbeat, there is a whole other set of fears. Sometimes I wish I could be knocked out and hooked up to an IV for the next 3 weeks. I'm a little scared of the lovenox injections. Just the needles and bruising. I tried to watch a video on how to do it and I almost threw up.

beta #1

2009-06-26T13:24:00.002-04:00

I had my blood test yesterday and this morning I called to find out the results. First the nurse told me it was negative. I said, really because I took another home test this morning and it was positive. In fact it was more positive than the test I took yesterday. I said I know I sound crazy but I have taken like six tests and they were all positive. The nurse said you're not crazy everybody takes lots of tests. Let me have the dr. look at this and I will call you back. Just as I hung up she called again and said sorry for the scare it is positive. Sheesh....

Beta #1: 111.4

Beta #2 will be taken on Monday morning. Thank goodness my pack on internet tests that I ordered last week arrived today, so I can POAS with reckless abandon all weekend long... just kidding sortof.

need advice

2009-06-25T08:21:00.004-04:00

Apparently it was just spotting, because no more blood since yesterday afternoon. I tested again this morning and it was positive darker than yesterday but still not a bright pink line. The tests I used up yesterday were Internet tests and this morning I used a FREP test. Does that make a difference? I broke down and called the RE office this morning and left a message. Should I request the blood test, or just wait and few more days and test again? If this is a chemical pregnancy how long till I get a negative test? Should I keep taking the progesterone just in case and if I do will that just prolong AF? For the first time in a long time I felt that old anxiety on the way to work. I didn't run this morning, and I think my body has been using running as a surrogate antidepressant without me realizing it.

Trying hard not to get worked up about this, what will be will be...

addendum: first positive on 12dpo, second 13 dpo, today is 14dpo with positive FREP

??

2009-06-24T14:30:00.004-04:00

So yesterday I peed on a stick and there was a very very faint positive. So I decided I would wait and POAS again this morning to see if it got any darker. It was a little darker but still faint. I argued with myself about whether to call the RE and ask for a blood test. I decided I would wait one more day, but it doesn't matter because it appears I am bleeding now anyway. Shit. I guess I will wait and see if it's just spotting. Hard to say right now. I used my last pee stick this morning too. poo..
ps my boobs are sweating..... nice...

troubled ovulation

2009-06-10T08:30:00.002-04:00

It's cd 19 and my clear blue fertility monitor is telling me I'm on my 5th day of high fertility. This cycle was unmedicated and I can see my body is bound and determined not to ovulate until late in my cycle. Why is that? After all of this you would think I would understand my body better, but instead it remains a mystery.