ICLW and other stuff

So I sucked bad at ICLW b/c I went to a conference in TN and didn't ever get near a computer or the Internet. I promise to do better next time. Thank you for all the wonderful comments. I does make a girl feel better.

My mom told me last night that my SIL's baby will most likely be born in the next week or so. She is not due until Feb. 25 but it appears baby J has turned upside down and her head is at the cervix. My SIL is not dilated but they expect her to start soon. This took my breath away. I thought I was dealing with the imminent birth of my niece well, but this news brought me to tears. I should be having a baby too. The jealousy and anger about how unfair all of this shit is just rushed right back at me. I thought I had moved past that, but it's still there.

On the way back from TN yesterday we ate a small cafe in a NC mountain town and there was a 10mos baby there crawling all around and almost walking. She was adorable and again pulling my heartstrings b/c if my 4th baby had lived she would be 9mos old.

So I am feeling sad and not hopeful. The conference I attended was inspiring and motivating to do more about local food movements and work harder at cultivating my job to address these problems and new ideas. I was feeling that way until yesterday and now it's blah again. The keynote speaker at this conference spoke about "following your purpose in life". This spoke to me because I need to figure out what will be my personal legacy professionally and personally.

So the thought comes to my mind is what if being a mother is not my purpose? That breaks my heart, but what if it is true? What if that is what God has been trying to tell me through all of this loss? The thing is I don't believe that. I won't believe that, but that thought won't go away.

MFM

Today I had my preconception consultation with my new MFM. It went well she is very positive and reassuring. She differs from my RE in that she wants me start Lovenox as soon as I get a BFP. My RE said start Lovenox when we see a gestational sac. She also wants me to start baby aspirin right away. I had to go through my torrid past and hand over my gigantic file to the nurse. I only cried a little and she teared up too. So now here I am standing on the edge of the high dive again about to jump in. All those butterflies in my stomach and fears about what will happen are sitting in my throat. I know we are prepared. I have my towel, my goggles, nose plug and ear plugs and water wings. I'm still scared. Because this is it. I cannot keep losing babies. If this one doesn't work out I'm done. That's scary too. So the plan is take BCP for this cycle, next cycle take Femara, but use protection so I don't get knocked up and see if I can ovulate earlier than CD19. Then in March it's game on. So today I climbed the ladder and looked down at the water, but I think I need to run around the pool a few times to get my courage up.

2009

I had black bean soup for lunch with onions in it, and now my mouth tastes really bad. I guess I should brush my teeth again.

Here's my list of things I want to do in 2009

plant an asparagus bed
plant a cool season garden
plant a warm season garden
put $25/month in my savings account
go to the beach with DH

say no at work more
express my feelings better with my husband
run more
write more
listen better
laugh more
cry less
feel more
bitch less
love